Blog Posts from "Flashpenny's blog"

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: The Final Battle

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 15:17:19 -0400

Well it's Monday again and according to everyone, Monday is the worst day of the week. So how to cheer you up? Simple, I'm going to post the final battle of my video game villains tournament which you kindly sent in my dear readers.

When we last left off we were left with a destined battle between Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

and General Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI).

So here's the epic battle between the two (just in a grassy field).

The Battle

Kefka and Majora (in his Mask form) stare each other down momentarily. After a long period Majora makes the first move firing lasers at Kefka which Kefka holds up his hand as a shield to cause the lasers to bounce off at the Mask which gets set aflame. Majora just floats up and goes spinning around using its spiked edges to try to impale Kefka.

Kefka ducks but Majora quickly flies around in a boomerang fashion and lodges itself in Kefka's shoulder, seriously wounding him. Kefka grabs the Mask and throws it off him and calls down a bolt of lightning upon it. Majora is unfazed by this attack and instead transforms itself into Majora's Incarnation.

Kefka is now on the offensive firing spell after spell at Majora's Incarnation but due to its speedy movement it dodges everything. After moving all over the place, it catches Kefka off-guard, punching him in the stomach and bombarding him with energy blasts. Kefka raises a shield again but after the bombardment it explodes and sends Kefka flying back, still alive.

Kefka, furious, casts a barrage of fire spells at Majora which inevitably causes a huge fireball. Majora comes out of the flames, virtually unharmed, and transforms itself into Majora's Wrath. Kefka uses more spells but Majora's acrobatics avoid them all. It then fastens one of its whips around Kefka's waist and tosses him about like a rag doll.

Kefka gets out of the whip by casting thunder, electrocuting Majora. Kefka spouts his infamous words: "I really hate hate hate (x 20) you!" Afterwards Kefka goes flying up in the air as Majora looks on and descends in his angelic form. Kefka fires Light Judgment which Majora just barely dodges and once more attacks Kefka, the God of Magic.

Kefka shrugs off these attacks and Majora realizes he's too powerful. Majora uses his power to yank the moon out of orbit and cause it to careen towards the Earth at high speeds. Kefka realizes what he's doing and fires a spell to keep Majora at bay while using his arms to hold the Moon up and stop it from crashing.

Majora is having none of that crap and fires lasers at Kefka knocking him down and causing the Moon to crash in a fiery explosion with Majora's Wrath directly underneath it and Kefka a short distance away. The explosion goes out in a fiery shockwave engulfing both combatants in the blazing inferno.

When the dust settles Kefka emerges, having used his wings as a shield, and reverts back to his human form, content with his victory. Just to be sure he approaches the impact and spots Majora's Mask, now immobile and presumably purged of its evil. Kefka picks it up and puts it on.

He is now more powerful than ever, unable to take the Mask off and a complete puppet.

60 Years... Top 60 Video Game Heroes And Villains Awards by the g1s' Choice: Part 2

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 10:29:09 -0400

Well here's part 2 of my list of the g1s choice of favorite video game heroes and villains. So enjoy your reasons coming out of my mouth.

For those of you who missed the first part:
Part 1: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/60-Years-Top-60-Video-Game-Heroes-And-Villains-Awards-by-the-g1s-Choice-Part-1

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Congo Jungle ~ Super Smash Bros.

55. Agrippa (Shadow of Rome)

The coolest part about this guy is that he was REAL

Agrippa is basically your one-man army, and there is nothing with that. As a result of his father being blamed for the recent death of Caesar, Agrippa is forced to save him. However, he is unable to do this the natural way of negotiation due to the fact that he becomes a criminal when he tried to save his mother’s life from execution.

He is informed that winning a gladiator tournament will make Agrippa the executioner of his father, giving him the opportunity to rescue him; Agrippa conceals himself as a regular gladiator. As he goes through rounds of fighting, Agrippa defeats multiple enemies, including tigers. Anyone who can defeat a live tiger without the use of modern technology is automatically full of win. He is basically the Rambo of Roman times.

A better part of Agrippa’s personality is that he is not just a ruthless soldier with no feelings at all. He’s a brave individual who only wants to save his father. Even later in the game, when Agrippa is forced to help the Roman army to take down an opposing army, he still only wants what is best for his city. At the time to murder the opposing army’s leader, Agrippa begs him to give up in hopes of not requiring another death.

Although such pleads do not work and death does happen, the death of the leader causes genuine sadness in the heart of the mighty warrior. The mere fact that Agrippa is such an amazing fighter while still having feelings that we as players can connect to makes Agrippa a perfect addition to this list.

Opinions: No one supplied any opinions about Agrippa. T_T If anyone in the comments can say something I'll happily rectify this.

54. Soap MacTavish (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare duology)

This soldier's come a long way from being called "Shampoo Boy" by the higher ranks

Soap MacTavish is an army Sergeant who's been hired to carry out the usurp of Russian powers in the Middle-East. Thus his job is one of the badass things in another FPS. The thing about Soap is that he has an actual personality rather than being another faceless FPS hero.

Also he does have a fair set of accomplishments under his belt. He took down a Russian spy and also a treacherous army General who tried to obliterate America. Yeah even though he's British he's willing to save America. Now that shows selflessness and a good heroic attitude.

Opinions: MAXX: Personally, I think soap is a pretty good hero for an fps because he is given a personality and is not just a "nameless soldier". If you do choose to put him on the list, I would suggest somewhere towards the higher numbers or the middle because he is not terribly iconic, although he did save the world from a nuclear holocaust.

Deadnate: Soap is more of a more action talk later kind of guy. He lets his actions talk for him when in the heap of battle and is not affriad to get his hands dirty. And he does have a kick ass Mohawk. He isn't much of a hero in a sence of what it means but he did save the world twice or at least from war.

Bigboss117: He's the main character the player controls trough the majority of COD4 and the end of MW2. You don't know much about him in COD 4 other that he's the newest recruit of the SAS special forces. Instead we're given Captain Price as some sort of mentor for Soap through the whole game. But in MW2 Soap takes the place of mentor for the player control character Roach. But at the end of the game you end up controlling Soap again and follow the lead of Captain Price once again. In my opinion, Soap is a good choice for the list, but not much is known of him to place him to high. If you have the rule of only one entry per franchise then I would go with Captain Price since he's present in almost every COD game made by infinity Ward, which in return makes him a character that more people are more familiar with. Plus, he's more badass.

53. Simon Belmont (Castlevania series)

Words cannot describe the awesomeness of this vampire slayer

What hasn’t been said about Simon Belmont? Although Simon represents the typical silent protagonist with little to no personality, his actions as a whole give Simon a spot on this list. As it has been stated about a million times, who goes after a vampire with a whip?! Just that action alone makes Simon’s credibility skyrocket.

However, I sometimes find his more unconventional weapons more incredible; the cross-boomerang itself makes Simon already cooler than he already is. The design to Simon is mostly awesome as well, but the cover art to the NES games depicts him wearing a skirt. Not to offend anyone, but a skirt kind of downgrades your masculinity.

But do you know what truly makes Simon stand out? He freaking eats food out of the wall! I realize that other characters have eaten food out of garbage cans and such, but Simon eats from a castle wall. Last time I checked, castles that monster-filled have not been in use for hundreds of years. It takes a huge amount of courage to eat something so moldy for the sake of defeating Dracula … even if he does wear a skirt.

Opinions: MAXX: Simon is a classic and iconic hero. Of course he deserves a higher-up spot, HE KILLED DRACULA! And The Grim Reaper, Frankenstein, etc. He has been around since the days of the NES, so he's a bona-fide badass.

Kflame210: Let me say this, it takes a lot of balls to go into a castle filled with monsters that you would find in a Halloween TV special and actually go after the vampire king himself, Dracula. I mean can you imagine actually doing what Simon did in Castlevania? He went into a castle filled with floating heads, mermen, ghosts, ghouls, bats, mummies and just about every other horror monster you can think of just to continue a family tradition? That guy isn't only a hero but he is also one hell of a family man.

Juggernaut: The Belmonts have been battling Dracula for countless generations and Simon was our first introduction to the family tree. He was a determined and capable hero, even if his diet was questionable...

52. Donkey Kong (DK series)

"No, not in the face! NO! N-"

Writers: Young-Yet-Retro, Terra-Corrupt, Timmy-The-Juggling-Man, Super Munkky, FeedMeFire

Music Selections: Darkseid

Opinion Gatherer: MadHero15

Pictures and Captions: RADDman

Power Pellet Manufacturer: Flashpenny

Who is the Greatest Movie Villain of 2009?

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:53:37 -0500

I know it's a bit late to cash in on the whole idea off end of 2009 blogs but I do not care. Let's do a blog on who's the greatest movie villain of 2009 from my perspective. Just as a disclaimer I have yet to see Inglorious Bastards or The Princess and the Frog so Colonel Hans Landa and Dr. Facilier are automatically out.

Anyway for the remaining 5 bad guys I could summon I will rank who's the best via my old ranking that I did for my worst villain ever blog (see here: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/Worst-Villain-Ever). To make a good villain they need power, plot and personality. So let's run down our contestants.

Colonel Miles Quaritch (Avatar)

Who Is He?: Colonel Quaritch is the leader of the military base in the now highest-grossing film of all time, having been employed to protect Mr. Parker and his scientists from the Na'vi (the indigenous aliens).

Lord Henry Blackwood (Sherlock Holmes)

Who Is He?: The son of Sir Rothertham, the leader of the Temple of Four Orders (a Free Mason-esque society), Blackwood is a politician/cult leader who is obsessed with achieving his new world order. Overall a good match for Sherlock.

Colonel Koobus Venter (District 9)

Who Is He?: Venter (on the left) is a mercernary assigned with keeping the Prawn inhabiting District 9 from acting up against the MNU (the company controlling District 9). While doing a pretty ****ty job of keeping the place in order, Venter is the go-to guy when the MNU need something done like getting Wikus van der Merwe back to them dead or alive.

Charles Muntz (Up)

Who Is He?: Muntz is a famed explorer back in his glory days who has set up shop in Paradise Falls for his own purposes. Years alone has made him gone paranoid and homicidal which will make him kill any and all who trespass upon Paradise Falls, including the film's protagonist.

Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

Who Is He?: The rival of Harry Potter in the film adaptation of the best book in the series, Malfoy has recently become the youngest member of Lord Voldemort's Death Eaters. He's not really the main villain so much as he is the main antagonist. There's a difference but not a significant enough one for me to change this to someone else.

Plot Ratings: This is the part where I rank how good of a villain these guys were. The one who gets the highest overall score is the best. So first category is their plot (note that in rating the plot, it's in relativity to each other).

Colonel Miles Quaritch: Quaritch has been hired by Mr. Parker to ensure the survival of the corporation who has been sent to Pandora to mine UnObtanium (yes that's the actual name), a highly valuable mineral. Quaritch's job is to get the UnObtanium for Parker and clear out the local Na'vi (the indigenous aliens) if (when) they resist. While initially this just makes it seem like Quaritch is just doing his job at the film's climax he takes complete control of the base and tries to commit outright genocide against the Na'vi. That racks up the points quite a bit. 7/10

Lord Henry Blackwood: Blackwood plans on the same old world domination. Specifically to seize control of the Temple of the Four Orders and kill everyone in Parliament who isn't under his thumb, giving him complete control of the British Empire. Then he intends to regain the U.S. and from there use both militaries to conquer the world. The main flaw here is how exactly Blackwood expects to win the war against the U.S. despite the fact that the two countries have gone to war before twice and both times the U.S. won despite being hopelessly outnumbered and outmatched. 6/10

Colonel Koobus Venter: Venter is really a mercernary under the employ of the MNU. In the film his real plot is to bring Wikus van der Merwe back to the MNU dead or alive. Given that he's the film's villain take a wild guess as to which one he chose? Yeah. Not that complex, he's just doing what his job description tells him to do. But still when he has a job to do, he's gotta do it. 7/10

Charles Muntz: Muntz, realizing that he's on his way out, has set out to capture an exotic bird and sell it to a zoo for a lot of money. Not that evil but due to years of being left alone his mind has been twisted into thinking that everyone who comes to Paradise Falls is seeking to take his prize away from him. Thus he intends on killing Carl Frederickson since he views him as a rival (which is worsened when said exotic bird is traveling with Frederickson). Fairly creative. 7/10

Draco Malfoy: Malfoy has been employed on a suicide mission by Lord Voldemort to kill Dumbledore and have the Death Eaters invade Hogwarts to prove that the Death Eaters are perfectly capable of taking over Britain. This was meant as a suicide mission in that Malfoy was meant to be killed. But to be fair to the guy he actually accomplished his mission so you know, point Malfoy. That's competence right there. 9/10

Power Ratings: So here's the part where I question how good they are in a fight. Or like how if you took them on your chances. You know that kind of thing.

Colonel Miles Quaritch: Quaritch makes the (arguably more wise) decision of using his superior machinery in a fight. e.g. He uses a pistol and a gigantic power suit. Despite that, he looks like he could really kick someone's ass if he wanted. Hell he looks like he could even hold his own in a fight against a 10-foot-tall Na'vi (when I first saw the movie, I thought Quaritch and Jake's Avatar were going to fight on the exterior of the flying helicopter). Also he's great in fisticuffs and underhand tactics. 9/10

Lord Henry Blackwood: Blackwood looks like he has the physical composition of an average male human being, so he's not really above-average. He is at the very least able to hold his own in a one-on-one fight with Sherlock Holmes. Despite this he does have a sword in a cane which does give him some props since those are the kind of things that are automatically cool. 6/10

Colonel Koobus Venter: Like Quaritch up there, Venter is far more likely to use guns then stray to fisticuffs. However he does know how to use a machete (early on in the film he kills a Prawn with a machete). What is notable is that he seems to have mastered the art of the gun since he is a master at aim and cover. In the film's climatic finale Wikus hops in a Prawn robot to take down Venter's small army (in a sequence vaguely reminiscent of the climax of Commando). So while everyone else is wiped out, Venter manages to shoot and take down the robot. Go Venter. However nevertheless he looks like an able-bodied person. 9/10

Charles Muntz: Muntz, as you can clearly see, is an old man. So as you can tell he probably can't really handle himself in a fight. Just as a minor plot hole in the movie: early on in the movie when Frederickson is about 6-8 and idolizes Muntz who is adventuring, Muntz must be in his late 20s-early 30s. So when Frederickson is in his 80s in the main film, that must make Muntz over 100. How does a 100+-year-old man actually pick up a sword. So as you can tell he relies more on his army of trained dogs than his actual fists. 2/10

Draco Malfoy: The problem about teenage villains is that they're not very able-bodied and Malfoy is no exception. However he knows how to use magic although how powerful his magic is by the sixth book is never exactly stated. So I'm just going to close my eyes and randomly pick a number for the rating above 6. I'm not kidding that's what I'm going to do. 7/10

Personality Ratings: So I'm going to analyze their personality. Since this is such an important part of making a good character, let alone a good villain, the scores here will count twice.

Colonel Miles Quaritch: Quaritch is overall a very manipulating man always looking for an underhanded tactic to winning (as demonstrated in the film's climax). While not outright sadistic, Quaritch does extort or manipulate other people to his will including Jake Sully, Grace and Mr. Parker. One thing that I always really liked about this guy is how he's so by-the-book army way of looking at things and not once in the film does that facade break. Such as his remark of buying everyone drinks after a successful attack on the Na'vi or how he says that everything they're going to do "is a fact." 8/10

Lord Henry Blackwood: Blackwood is one of those villains who's entire personality is limited which is why they're so great. Overall he's not so very brutal or evil as he is just chilling. Let me put it this way, you ever play Resident Evil 4? Blackwood's pretty much like Osmund Saddler, only his voice is much more intelligible. He's overall very emotionless and nonchalant often just addressing things in a very down-to-earth manner. For example when someone tries to attack Blackwood before Blackwood kills him, the Lord warns him, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." 7/10

Colonel Koobus Venter: Woo boy! Venter is a very sadistic and evil man, who enjoys his job a little too much. One of Venter's quotes in the movie is, "I love watching you Prawn die." Indeed whenever he has the chance to kill a Prawn he happily does so. In fact in his first appearance in the movie he shoots a Prawn in the knees, bludgeons him with the butt of his rifle and then hacks him with a machete. He tried to kill Christopher, the local Mob and Wikus and would gladly murder more if given the chance. Overall he just seems like Quaritch only much more psychotic. 9/10

Charles Muntz: Muntz, despite having only 3 scenes in the whole movie, is certainly one of Disney's more ruthless villains. Not as much as Scar or Frollo but certainly more realistic which makes him somewhat better since it shows that years of isolation from people can really drive someone mad. Also the methods he stoops to in order to break his enemies are just low. Also he tried to shoot a kid with a shotgun. Ok, that's an all-time low. 7/10

Draco Malfoy: Malfoy has gone from being an irritating prick to a worthless pawn in the eyes of Lord Voldemort. Malfoy acts like a douchebag to pretty much everyone. In the movie alone he gets a low score but if you read all the books he is a pretty dynamic character. But in the movie alone... 5/10

So the greatest movie villain of 2009 is...

Colonel Koobus Venter (District 9)

A very brutal and sadistic army Colonel, Venter has been given a job to do and he won't stop until he accomplishes it. He'll kill everyone in his way and treats everything both as a psychotic killer and as an experienced army Colonel. His Australian accent just elevates him over the runner-up.

2. Colonel Miles Quaritch (Avatar)
3. Charles Muntz (Up)
4. Lord Henry Blackwood (Sherlock Holmes)
5. Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: The Finals

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 17:11:48 -0500

Who's left?

Round 29: Majora vs. Gruntilda: Majora fires lasers at Grunty's body, leaving her nothing but a jumping head. Majora then fires lasers at that obliterating Gruntilda's head. Majora wins!

Round 30: Kefka vs. Tabuu: Kefka effortlessly uses the Light Judgment to obliterate the eyeball powering Tabuu causing him to fade into nothingness after a dramatically, prolonged sequence. Kefka wins!

So now this is it! The finals. And luckily yours truly's two favorite video game villains made it this far thus making me not care who wins. So let's take a look at the strengths and weaknesses of each shall we?

Round 31: Contestant 1: Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

Strengths: 1. Possesses magical abilities such as shooting laser beams, summoning monsters, poisoning water, pulling the moon out of orbit (and possessing it), creating an army of the undead and the like.

2. If it gets plastered onto one's face, Majora has complete control over them.

3. Can also transform into two more powerful versions which can more than hold their own in a fight.

Weaknesses: 1. Is trapped in a Mask thus limiting its power.

2. And thus its size.

3. When possessing someone it takes some time before Majora possesses complete control over them.

Round 31: Contestant 2: General Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

Strengths: 1. Is incredibly unpredictable in battle.

2. Possesses the power of Light Judgment.

3. Is the God of Magic.

Weaknesses: 1. It depends on what part of the game we're talking about here since he's ridiculously weak at the beginning and the God of Magic at the end.

2. Is also prone to sneak attacks.

3. Has the worst interior design for a hideout in villain's history.

My Vote: Do you really want to make me choose? Come on! Fine, I'll choose Majora.

So this is Flashpenny saying vote for who's the greatest video game villain. I'll be posting the results whenever the Hell I want.

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: The Semi-Finals

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:46:48 -0500

So I'm continuing my good ol' heroes tournament. Now we've reached the semi-finals. So who's going to get here. Well let's look at the victors of the quarter-finals.

Round 25: Majora vs. Dimentio: Dimentio once more uses the exploding box trick and after the dust settles Majora's Mask is still floating menacingly in the air. As Dimentio stares in awe Majora spins around and sends its spiked side lodging into and impaling Dimentio's chest. Majora wins!

Round 26: Gruntilda vs. Emperor Palamecia: Emperor Palamecia fires a bolt of black fire straight at Grunty engulfing her in it. Gruntilda survives since she's virtually immortal, leaving her in her skeleton form. She then fires a magic spell obliterating Palamecia. When he gets to Hell, Satan and God team up to beat the crap out of him. Gruntilda wins!

Round 27: Lavos vs. Kefka: Kefka, now powered up to his angelic form, sends the Light Judgment straight at Lavos going into and obliterating his core. Kefka wins!

Round 28: Tabuu vs. Albert Wesker: Tabuu fires an energy blast at Wesker blowing him to smithereens. Tabuu wins!

OK now that that's out of the way, let's look at the roster for the semi-finals.

Round 29: Majora vs. Gruntilda

Round 30: Kefka vs. Tabuu

Let's look at the strengths of each.

Round 27: Contestant 1: Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

Strengths: 1. Can fire laser beams and use its spiked edges as a weapon.

2. Can transform into a faster, more unpredictable version.

3. Can turn into a strong, whip-using form as well.

4. Possesses powers such as pulling the moon out of orbit, poisoning swamp water, killing fish life, resurrecting an army of the undead, making eternal winter and the like.

5. This is all while Majora is trapped inside a Mask which means its power is severly limited. That means if it ever got out...

Round 27: Contestant 2: Gruntilda (Banjo-Kazooie)

Strengths: 1. Can fire magical spells.

2. Owns a tank.

3. Has a large amount of (incredibly stupid) minions, ready to serve her.

4. Is virtually immortal (although she can still be imprisoned).

5. Can fly a broomstick well.

My Vote: Majora

Round 28: Contestant 1: General Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

Strengths: 1. Is very manipulative.

2. Is also very unpredictable.

3. Kills everything he sees for fun.

4. At the end of the game he reaches some kind of bizarre Nirvana after becoming the God of Magic (seen above).

5. Possesses the Light Judgment which is one of the, if not the, most powerful powers in the FF-verse.

Round 28: Tabuu (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Strengths: 1. Can fire laser beams.

2. Can turn things into trophies (although that probably really only works on characters in the SSBB-verse, rendering it useless against opponents in this tournament).

3. Possesses a sort of chain-whip.

4. Is the God of Subspace.

5. That's about it.

My Vote: Kefka

So do vote my dear readers. And ignore the low quality of the last two entries because the finals will have a lot of effort put into it.

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: The Quarter-Finals

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:47:49 -0500

So here's the Quarter-Finals. Who's going to make it here?

Round 21: Lavos vs. The Prophet of Truth: Truth fires lasers at Lavos but they bounce off his shell as Lavos just sounds out a bigger laser beam, incinerating Truth. Lavos wins!

Round 22: GLaDOS vs. Kefka: GLaDOS releases her neuro-toxin but Kefka simply blasts the machine with magic causing the whole thing to come crashing down. Kefka wins!

Round 23: Andross vs. Tabuu: Tabuu fires lasers straight into Andross' hands and then fires more down his open mouth causing him to explode. Tabuu wins!

Round 24: Clockwerk vs. Albert Wesker: ...How the Hell is Wesker supposed to take down Clockwerk? Can someone enlighten me? Ah well, Wesker uses the magical power of g1s' votes to obliterate Clockwerk. Wesker wins!

Here's the roster for the Quarter-Finals

Round 25: Majora vs. Dimentio

Round 26: Gruntilda Winkybunion vs. Emperor Mateus Palamecia

Round 27: Lavos vs. General Kefka Palazzo

Round 28: Tabuu vs. Albert Wesker

Now since I feel too lazy to type anymore you vote for now. The semi-finals will detail their strengths and the finals will detail their strengths and weaknesses. I don't feel like writing anything for the quarter-finals right now so you vote! Oh and just for my votes:

Round 25: Majora

Round 26: Emperor Palamecia

Round 27: Kefka

Round 28: Wesker

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: Rounds 21-24

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 16:27:15 -0500

Who won the last 4 rounds?

Round 17: Majora vs. Yami: Yami turns his robot into its ultimate hand form and Majora in turn, turns into Majora's Wrath. Majora expertly dodges Yami's missiles and grabs his true form out of the robot and crushes it underfoot. Majora wins!

Round 18: Bowser vs. Dimentio: Assuming you've played Super Paper Mario you should know what happens. If not, Dimentio traps Bowser in his exploding box, killing Bowser in the ensuing explosion.

Round 19: Dr. Wily vs. Gruntilda: Wily summons the Yellow Devil to aid him but Grunty shoots it repeatedly with her spells. She then powers up one final speel before shooting it and incinerating Wily. Gruntilda wins!

Round 20: Ganondorf vs. Emperor Palamecia: Ganondorf puts up a powerful fight but he is no match for the Ruler of Heaven and Hell. As Ganondorf attempts to transform into Ganon, Palamecia incinerates him in a flash of black fire and bright light. Emperor Palamecia wins!

Round 21: Contestant 1: Lavos (Chrono Trigger)

Accomplishments: Ended up destroying the world in a prophesized, apocalyptic inevitability. He also ensured that by sucking the world into oblivion, his spawn would live on and do the same to other worlds. He is so powerful that the only one he could've possibly been killed is through the power of time travel. And even then Lavos took Crono to the grave with him which says a lot. Lavos is not to be messed with.

Round 21: Contestant 2: The Prophet of Truth (Halo series)

Accomplishments: Truth nearly destroyed the entire universe in his own genocidal scheme to take over the universe and rule it as a God. He successfully declared war against humanity and damn near won, had it not been for Master Chief. Hell actually his entire plan went flawlessly until the end of the third game which says a lot about his competence.

My Vote: The Prophet of Truth

Round 22: Contestant 1: GLaDOS (Portal)

Accomplishments: GLaDOS successfully instilled more fear into the average person than Gary Busey, horror movies and how badly Nintendo ruined Ganondorf in Twilight Princess combined. This lady (GLaDOS sounds feminine so I will refer to it as such) really manipulated you into doing some messed-up things. She's also a very haunting individual as demonstrated by the credits song she sings. Also she killed her own creators. Damn!

Round 22: Contestant 2: General Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

Accomplishments: Uh, hello, he's Kefka. Even if you haven't played Final Fantasy VI, odds are you know what he's done if you're on the Internet. If not let me outline it for you. Kefka has gone through the most dynamic change in power than any other villain I've seen. At the start he's incredibly easy but by the end of the game he becomes the God of Magic (seen above). He also took over the world and ruled it for a solid year and nearly won the war against the Espers for the Gestahlian Empire.

My Vote: Kefka

Round 23: Contenstant 1: Tabuu (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Accomplishments: Well for one thing he wiped out over 20 Nintendo characters in one move (which is the sole reason why people like him). Also he manipulated Ganondorf (who's one smart cookie) to his own ends and nearly sucked the world into Subspace. That's really about it. I just want to say that I would personally deduct points against Tabuu for being too stupid to not use that halo move right away when all the heroes confront him.

Round 23: Contestant 2: Andross (Star Fox series)

Accomplishments: He nearly took over the Lylat System and actually has control over Star Wolf with no objections. And let me remind you that Wolf is a badass so if he takes orders from Andross, Andross has got some serious balls right off the bat. He also took down the original Star Fox crew and nearly took over the Lylat System. Plus he found a way to become so big he can eat an Arwing (basically something the size of a plane).

My Vote: Andross

Round 24: Contestant 1: Clockwerk (Sly Cooper series)

Accomplishments: Clockwerk, being consumed by hatred for the Cooper family line, found the key to immortality. How so? His hatred was so powerful that he replaced his body with machinery which is run by hatred making him literally fueled by hatred and virtually immortal. Thus he can survive dismemberment and decapitation and falling into lava. Also he nearly wiped out said family line and send the final one on two wild goose chases around the world. Plus he successfully manipulated some poor sap into becoming his host, leeching off of her like a parasite, so he can rise again in the sequel.

Round 24: Contestant 2: Albert Wesker (Resident Evil series)

Accomplishments: He has breeded at least 3 mutant factories with the sponsoring of the Umbrella Corporation and nearly killed the guy who took them down at all 3. Also he dresses in black, has slicked-back hair and wears sunglasses making him score 20 Mega-Fonzies on the coolness meter. On top of that he successfully succumbed to one of said mutagens and actually managed to keep his sanity intact doing so. If you've played the games you should realize this is pretty damn impressive. So you know, point Wesker.

My Vote: Clockwerk.

So this is Flashpenny telling you to vote.

Top 10 Greatest Movie Climax Songs

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 21:02:59 -0500

For those of you not unddrstanding what the name could mean, it's basically the song that plays during the climax of a movie. It really is like the film equivalent to a video game's final boss song. Enjoy the list dear readers.

10. Whatever Song Plays During This Scene (The Lion King)

Specifically I'm talking about the part from 1:12-about 1:40. Granted that's about 38 seconds but those 38 seconds are EPIC WIN! Now as a little kid my favorite movie was indeed the Lion King and today I still find it a masterpiece. Seriously you should watch it some time in case you haven't seen it. Even as a 4-year-old and as a 14-year-old, it's a great film.

Now as for the fight itself, HOLY CRAP IT'S EPIC! Even my single-digit, baby IQ thought it was awesome. The fight was awesome and overall I think it would've been great to watch in theaters. Hell there's many scenes in movie history I wish I could've seen in theaters. The music itself seals the deal.

The guys at Disney made a wise decision to mute most of the action between Simba and Scar during the final battle thus making us hear the music. Sadly this also means that I couldn't find a video on Youtube showing just the music. Either way it's at the bottom because, again, it's 38 seconds long in a 38-second long final battle. Don't worry, it gets better.

9. Isengard Unleashed (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)

Remember how I said there are many scenes in movie history I wish I could've seen in theaters? Well the climax of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is another one. Hell I wish I could've seen the entire trilogy in theaters. But the final battle at Helm's Deep is the particular scene I wish I could've had. Memo to me: as soon as I get enough money, install home theater.

Overall this track starts out sad due to the death of Haldir who is a character the audience couldn't give a crap about. Then about 45 seconds in it begins sounding very heroic giving the hero's an edge before descending into the typical Isengard theme song. Which honestly is one of the greatest villain theme songs (rivalling the Imperial March I swear) for one of the greatest villains Saruman (rivalling Darth Vader I swear).

Then the song goes into the part with the Last March of the Ents which is also a great scene to watch, particularly the part where Treebeard takes down Isengard. Then at the end it becomes pure epic win. There is no other way to spell it. And before you're wondering, yes this is going to be the only Lord of the Rings song on here. I had only room for one folks.

8. The Big Bang (Caddyshack)

Assuming you've seen Caddyshack you should know that the end of the final climatic golf match is one of the greatest scenes in movie history. You know, what I'm talking about. It's the part where Danny just barely misses the put and then Bill Murray's character detonates plastic explosives in an effort to kill the gopher (it fails) and the explosives' shockwave causes the put to go in.

This music starts playing as soon as the first explosive goes off. The first time I saw this movie I laughed my ass off at how this guy was going as far as plastic explosives to kill the gopher (who again, survived). I laughed even harder upon realizing how it caused the Deus Ex Machina ending which is perfect for one of the greatest comedies of all time.

This song sounds very happy and cheerful. However I just can't shake off the feeling that I've heard it somewhere else before. If anyone can tell me whether this is entirely original or if I did hear it somewhere else before can you please tell me? I'd be much obliged. Ah-thank you.

7. Golden Gate Fight (A View To A Kill)

If you're surprised, you obviously don't know Flashpenny that well. It's a Bond song, of course it was going to be on here! Unfortunately this is the only Bond song I could find on Youtube (I spent days looking for the one from Goldeneye before failing). So enjoy the one from the final battle between James Bond and Christopher Walken atop the Golden Gate Bridge.

By far one of the best musical compositions by John Barry, this really sounds like a battle atop a highly-elevated, very precarious place. Seriously this could work well during the final battle in the Temple of Doom as well. I also love how it's a remix of the classical James Bond song as well as the On Her Majesty's Secret Service theme song (the only good part of that movie).

What else can I really say? Oh yeah the part at about 2-and-a-half-minutes in where it stops momentarily making you think it's over before the electric guitar comes back in. This follows a very simplistic mathematical formula for all of you who plans on going into film (like myself). John Barry + electric guitars=GENIUS!

6. The Black Falcon (Flyboys)

For those of you who haven't seen Flyboys, it's definately one of the most underrated films ever made. It's a war movie that is about World War I. Surprising I know. Rather than the second World War, it's about the first, detailing the lives of the Lafayette Escadrille (post in the comments for my little history lesson).

While the title says it's the theme song of the film's main villain, the Black Falcon, it's actually the song that plays during the final dogfight, one of the most suspenseful and awesome final battles in movie history. It starts off dark and menacing, then heroic, then descends into the final masterpiece that makes this list.

The reason why it's # 6 is because the awesome chain of notes and opera only lasts for about a minute-and-a-half and then it goes to the credits scene detailing what happened to all of the main characters (if you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about). Nevertheless great music for a great villain from a great final battle of a great movie.

5. Sanctuary (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Like the Lion King, the Hunchback of Notre Dame is proof of how awesome Disney was and how if it wasn't for Pixar the company would've bankrupted itself a long time ago. Overall HoND is a very dark movie (so much so that at certain points you wonder if it's really meant for children) and the soundtrack is amazing. This alone is proof of that.

At first it starts off the buildup then the flute comes in at 1:40 in and then the opera bursts in. Then you get 4 minutes of pure epic win from there on out. While the battle itself is fairly comical overall the scene itself is pretty damn awesome to watch. This opera only further cements it. I really have confused myself with putting this at # 5.

I also love how this song is overall a bit of a remix of the film's other songs. You hear the Latin lyrics from the film's opening number, at the end it plays the reprise of Hellfire and at some point you hear a bit of Out There. Just listen to it. If they ever put HoND into the next KH game, I hope this song's in there.

4. Duel of the Fates (Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace)

I'm going to be quite frank here, the Star Wars prequel trilogy is INCREDIBLY underrated. Seriously they're all good movies. The Phantom Menace was kinda shoddy but it's nowhere near as bad as Return of the Jedi. And Darth Maul makes up for Jar Jar Binks. Speaking of Maul, he's freakin' awesome and I've recently considered this his theme.

Seriously it plays whenever you use him in Star Wars Battlefront II so it's his theme. Overall John Williams proves his awesomeness at composing stuff with the opera, horns and every instrument in there. The final battle between Darth Maul and the Jedi in Star Wars is completely awesome as this song plays.

Seriously when I was 4 and saw this movie, I was always blown away by that scene. It slows down at 2 minutes in before starting up again. I was in awe at how awesome it was then and I'm still in awe now. Also it was reprised in the next two Star Wars flicks. I especially loved it in the Episode III when the Emperor throws the platforms at Yoda to the tune of the opera.

3. Battle of the Mounds (Conan the Barbarian)

Conan the Barbarian is the ultimate definition of a movie that's so bad it's good. Seriously it's Arnold Schwarzenegger's first legitimate movie, as in one that did good. The movie itself is kinda sub-par but there are two things that made it great. 1. James Earl Jones role as a chilling villain. 2. The soundtrack.

Seriously if you know me you should know that I freakin' love the soundtrack of Conan the Barbarian. It's theme song was the list-topper of my top 10 movie theme songs. So in the film's final battle between Conan, his buddy and against 50 of Thulsa Doom's (the aforementioned villain) men what plays? This.

It starts off epic, then gives way to epic opera a minute and 50 seconds, goes quiet again and finally at 3:30 in it goes straight into the film's theme song (which again, I love). First beforehand in the movie we hear one of Arnold's greatest lines: "Crom please help me win this fight. If not then to Hell with you!" It's so hard to keep this at # 3 but it must be done. Also the final fight was epic win.

2. War (Avatar)

Avatar, perhaps you've heard of it? Now just to get my opinion on the film out of the way before anyone begins saying that the movie is overrated, here's my take. I thought it was a good movie, not a masterpiece but a decent movie overall. The storyline is decent, the graphics are sensational and I think Colonel Quaritch is a possible candidate for "best movie villain of 2009". That good enough for you?

Now even my good friend here Timmy-The-Juggling-Man thought the film wasn't that good but loved the final battle. With this playing you can probably see why. The final battle was pretty damn cool with all the Na'vi facing off against the military and being backed up by all the local animals. It starts off sounding menacing then gets better.

It kinda dies down a bit in the middle which stops it from being # 1 but then it comes back, even more epic. I know that I've used the e word so much that you probably don't take me seriously anymore but really just listen to the music. Yeah. So what actually is # 1?

1. Battle of the Heroes (Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith)

To get an idea of how awesome this song is, just what do you see above you? Yeah it's so awesome that it needed two videos to properly demonstrate its copious amounts of epic win. Also it seemed kinda inevitable that the song from one of my favorite movie climaxes would be the list-topper so it came down to this or that You Know My Name remix that played while Bond was killing Gettler and his thugs in Casino Royale. Since I couldn't find that, it's Battle of the Heroes.

Now assuming you've seen the movie you should know that the final duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan (as well as the one between the Emperor and Yoda) is one of the most awesome things to grace the silver screen. Overall I felt that Revenge of the Sith was a great movie that was a great end to a magnificent six-movie series (yes the prequels were awesome, face it!).

This proves why John Williams is one of the greatest composers ever. So much so that I'm not even going to take the time to describe the music. You just click on those two videos up there and listen yourself. It cannot be described. It's awesome beyond words. Just wow. I would just love to be in a concert hall as the orchestra plays this.

And that is my list. Thank you and good night.

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: The Secondary Preliminaries

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 08:29:19 -0500

So now we're finished with the preliminaries in my lovely little tournament. But before we move on who are the final 3 who will also land a part in the 16 who've made it thus far?

Round 14: Ridley vs. Andross: Even though Ridley flies around Andross, Andross eventually just grabs Ridley and shoves him into his mouth chewing him to bits. Andross wins!

Round 15: Dark Samus vs. Clockwerk: In a battle to the death, these two are very evenly-matched, neither being able to gain an advantage over the other. Clockwerk eventually uses the lasers on his back to shoot Dark Samus into oblivion. Clockwerk wins!

Round 16: Xemnas vs. Albert Wesker: Xemnas goes into a long, drawn-out speech that Wesker's efforts are futile. Wesker responds by taking out a pistol and shooting Xemans repeatedly in the chest. Wesker wins!

Now we're moving onto what I call the secondary preliminaries. It's after the preliminaries but it's before the quarter-finals. Here, 16 guys enter, 8 will move onwards in the tournament. So let's look at the roster.

Round 17: Majora vs. Yami

Round 18: Bowser vs. Dimentio

Round 19: Dr. Wily vs. Gruntilda

Round 20: Ganondorf vs. Emperor Mateus Palamecia

Round 21: Lavos vs. the Prophet of Truth

Round 22: Kefka vs. GLaDOS

Round 23: Tabuu vs. Andross

Round 25: Clockwerk vs. Albert Wesker

So there you go. Now for the next set of rounds we're focusing on their accomplishments, or at least that's what I'll be writing. The strengths and mitigating factors are for the winners and we don't need the personality since that was only really for people who haven't played the games yet.

Round 17: Contestant 1: Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

Accomplishments: Majora has caused the death of many innocents through sheer chaos and destruction for the Hell of it. He's poisoned drinking water, created eternal winter, killed fishlife, turned a fertile valley into a desert wasteland, nearly made the Moon crash into the Earth, turned a soon-to-be-wedded man into a child and that's just scraping the surface. Also he caused the death of three innocents and quite possibly some more off-screen.

Round 17: Contestant 2: Yami (Okami)

Accomplishments: Yami has possessed the divine place known as the Ark of Yamato and twisted it so it becomes the source of evil spreading across Nippon. He slaughtered all the Celestials onboard and also sent his minions out to cause chaos. This led to the resurrection of Orochi, the rise of Ninetails. the poisoning of Sei-an and many other problems. Also he nearly killed Waka. And keep in mind that Yami's true from is a fish so that makes it even more impressive.

My Vote: Majora

Round 18: Contestant 1: Bowser (Mario series)

Accomplishments: Bowser's life has been fraught with failure. Aside from being an idiot there's not much he has accomplished. However just to give some ground he has kidnapped Peach repeatedly and also once caused a cataclysmic black hole (accidentally). Still just look at him. He looks like he could kick someone's ass if push comes to shove.

Round 18: Contestant 2: Dimentio (Super Paper Mario)

Accomplishments: Dimentio successfully manipulated everyone in the game to his own ends. The includes, but is not limited to, Mario himself, his boss, Bowser, Luigi everyone. After successfully taking control of the Chaos Heart he warped all matter in the universe down to a single point in his effort to re-create the universe in his own image and rule it. Also he did the one thing many Goombas failed at: he killed Mario. And Peach. And Luigi. And Bowser. *hint hint, nudge nudge*

My Vote: Dimentio

Round 19: Contestant 1: Dr. Albert Wily (Mega Man series)

Accomplishments: He has stolen Dr. Light's experiments on turned them into tools for his goal of world domination on 9 separate occasions. Also Wily has created the Yellow Devil which does give him an automatic edge in this competition. He also created a gigantic, powerful flying saucer and is overall a douchebag. But in a good way.

Round 19: Contestant 2: Gruntilda (Banjo-Kazooie series)

Accomplishments: As a villain she can't really be taken seriously but then again neither can Dr. Wily so there you go. She killed Bottles and King Jingaling and nearly drained all life out of the Isle o' Hags to make herself have skin again. She also kidnapped Banjo's sister and tried to turn Spiral Mountain into a strip mall. Also she made you go through Rusty Bucket Bay which is honestly one of the evilest things someone can do.

My Vote: Gruntilda

Round 20: Contestant 1: Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda series)

Accomplishments: Ganondorf is one mean mammer-jammer. He successfully took over Hyrule and gained a third of the Triforce before half of Ocarina of Time was over. He also beat the crap out of children for fun and ordered the execution of one of his henchman in the story mode of Brawl. He possesses the Triforce of Power which means that he can't be killed by normal means and also every iteration of him looks badass. Plus he did one of the most heinous acts known to mankind: he made you go through both the Water Temple and the Wind Temple.

Round 20: Contestant 2: Emperor Mateus Palamecia (Final Fantasy II)

I really don't feel like beating a dead horse with a stick here so for those of you who need me to repeat what Palamecia has done, I'm going to copy and paste the accomplishments from the preliminaries. "Oh, boy, this one's a doozy. Remember the Emperor from Star Wars? Now imagine him twice as young, twice as badass and with a soul twice as evil and you've got Mateus. Now when most video game villains die, they go to Hell and that's the end of it. Palamecia however died, went to Hell, conquered Hell, marched onto Heaven, conquered Heaven, made God and Satan his lap dogs and came back to life. Read that sentence over again. He made God and the Prince of Darkness his lap dogs! That's just beyond impressive." Yup.

My Vote: Emperor Palamecia. He's the guy that Ganondorf wants to be when he grows up.

So vote.

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

60 Years... Top 60 Video Game Heroes And Villains Awards by the g1s' Choice: Part 1

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:44:33 -0500

Some of you may recall that not too long ago I asked you all to list your favorite video game heroes and villains from the past 60 years of games. Well here's the results for 60-56.

The Ultimate Show~Super Paper Mario

60. Jack Thompson (Uwe Boll just missed this list)

Ironically, he looks like an aging gamer with way too much time on his hands.

Is Jack Thompson technically a video game villian? No. Is he a douchbag villian who is related to video games? Yes, and that's good enough for me. I'm sure most people on this site have heard of this guy, hell you may have even met him at SGC. But for those of you who don't know, I'll fill you in.

Jack Thompson is a lawyer who often appears on the news, and he has major issues against all violent video games, particularly when games are sold to minors. His biggest targets over the years have been games like Halo, Counter-strike, and of course, Grand theft Auto. In all of them he tries to use his bull**** statistics and "research" to convince people that kids "train" on games like Counterstrike to murder.

He often talks about school shootings and whatnot, and says how it is believed that the kid who committed the crime did it because he plays a lot of violent video games, and won't accept that maybe the kid just had issues. If someone bring it up then he just says "Yah well..."

Well Jack, while that is sad, the point is that the kid/his parents, not solely the video games are to blame. At least some people see that Jack's views that video games are evil aren't necessarily true, considering how he never actually won a court case. But honestly, there isn't much to say, but if you've seen him, you know what I'm talking about. And if you haven't, maybe look him up on youtube to find out. And now I leave you with a brilliant quote of his:

"Grand Theft Auto is a cop killing simulator"

Opinions:

Kflame210: Do you know what makes a good villain? Commitment. Every great villain in history is very commited to what he wants, whether its world domination, a princess or super human powers. Jack Thompson has commitment because he will do whatever it takes to take down videogames. He tries and tries to get get videogames banned and to "save" the children from too much violence. Yeah I don't like the guy because he is s against videogames but his commitment just proves that he is a villain.

The Stickman: What would the gaming world be without wacko jacko? (The disbarred attorney, not the dead pedophile.) He's brought media attention to gaming more than any advert or actual gamer could possibly do. Sure, it may be completely bias against it, but it always gives us a good laugh. Especially after he gets disbarred for misconduct.

L-roc: HE ******* COUNTS AS A VIDEO GAME VILLAIN!

59. The L Block (Tetris)

The L Block is just a distraction ...

It prevents you from getting a straight Tetris and is the hardest to do so with. At least with the S Block you can do something good but this guy is just there ready to make you miserable.

Opinions:

Ben: This cocktease wants you to think it's as useful as ol' line block, but it's not. In fact, it's far worse. Using it always means there's something else to fill in your block wall, and half the time after the L Block has its fun, the empty space is unreachable. The L Block is a demon.

58. Gary Smith (Bully)

"Psst, ya wanna whisper in front of comic strips?" "Yeah, that's so bad!"

Gary Smith was just a regular, ADD-ridden, homophobic sociopath, until Jimmy Cam along. After winning his friendship, and then making him his enemy, Gary managed to get Jimmy expelled, while also turning the entire school’s population against him. He then proceeded to initiate mayhem on the entire school, even getting the principal tied up. He also pissed off Jimmy to the point of using 3 syllable words.

Gary is the guy you know you hate. He suffers (well, not suffers) from ADD and uses the extra kick for his devious pursuits. He enjoys mocking, jeering, insulting and manipulating people regularly, all for his own pleasure. He comes off as intelligent, but this just turns out to be criminal insanity.

Opinions:

Terra-Corrupt: ******! But seriously, this guy is a douche. He's a Sociopath :P. He manages to turn the whole school against you, as well as get you expelled!! He's nasty to pretty much everybody in the game, all to achieve his own ends.

Waluigi: Haven't heard this name being mentioned much in the gaming industry. This is actually a smarter villain than most, and his biggest accomplishment is bringing a school to anarchy. I know it doesn't sound like very much, but what do you expect from a game called Bully.

57. Dimentio (Super Paper Mario)

That insane clown goes up there with Heath Ledger's Joker, Jack Nicholson's Joker, and Insane Clown Posse.

Dimentio is a clown jester who initially served the villainous Count Bleck under the presumption that Bleck will create a brand new world that he and his minions will rule. Dimentio however figures out that Bleck intends on obliterating all worlds with the Chaos Heart, leading Dimentio to go on a rampage of psychotic manipulation amongst Bleck, his minions and Mario himself.

Throughout the course of the game he actually killed Mario as well as Bowser and Peach doing what no one has actually done in video game history (Mario comes back later on). At the game's grand finale Dimentio usurps Bleck, takes the Chaos Heart, makes Luigi his puppet and warps all matter in the universe to a single point with the intention of re-creating it in his own image.

Dimentio ended up being such a powerful foe that it took the combined powers of Mario, Peach, Bowser, Tippi, Bleck and Bleck's minions to take him down and even after he died he was considered a threat. So Dimentio is officially now part of the aforementioned Insane Clown Posse. He makes Fawful look like a little ***** cat.

Opinions:

Ben: Dimentio is a cool villain cause while he seems a simple lackey at first, he has his own agenda. While personally I don't think Dimentio is anywhere near the best representation of this kind of character, it's cool discovering that he's playing by his own rules, and in the end he's the biggest threat of the game.

56. King K. Rool (Donkey Kong series)

Pfft, down in Florida we eat these things for breakfast

King K. Rool is a great villian. For those who don't know, he's a giant alligator who happens to not take to kindly to our favourite ape, Donkey Kong. One of my favourite things about K. Rool is that Rare made sure to give him a good sense of humour.

Now as far as the Donkey Kong country series goes, I wouldn't know much because I never beat them. But I can tell you what he's like in 64. After kidnapping all DK's monkey friends AND stealing all his golden bananas, he decides to build a laser-matic whatever machine that will destroy DK's island home. Why? Because he's a douche.

He's the king of all his retarded kremlings, and he's often yelling at them and freaking out at them. He also freaks out a lot when ever you accomplish something in the game, like kicking one of his bosses' ass. Speaking of which, in DK64, he has one of the most epic final boss battles ever.

Donkey Kong has become one of the most memorable franchises in gaming; hey I still remember that bad-ass TV show, and nothing can be that great without a good villain. K. Rool is mean, funny, and an all around wacky alligator. And he happens to like bananas as much as monkeys do. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Opinions:

Terra-Corrupt: He's a crocodile with a freaking crown. Yep, I think we have a winner. Never mind the awesome theme music from bothe DKC and DK64, this guy is hard as hell to beat on the 64. It takes 5 Kongs to kill this guy, what a badass.

DJGrandPa: King K. Rool is by far my favorite villain, I thought I was one of the few who thought so. But after seeing so many Top 10's about how he should be in Brawl I think he's pretty popular. I mean, he's a really funny guy, and also pretty bad-ass. I mean, in Donkey Kong 64 I'd go as far as saying that he's ******* creepy. When I think about it, it's mostly his kremlings who are funny. K. Rool tries to put on a serious face and they always screw up. He's the effing king, and he doesn't care for anybody but himself. He tries to bring down the nice and environmental family Kong. This makes him an awesome, and funny villain.

Ben: While Bower is a cool villain, K. Rool is creepy, mainly because of that crazy bulging eye. Unfortunately, while he's incredibly creepy, he's not especially intimidating, cause all he knows how to do is throw his crown and box. Little Mac would take him down easy... so why should a huge gorilla like DK have any problems?

Credits:

Writers - FeedMeFire, Timmy-The-Juggling-Man, Terra-Corrupt, Super Munkky

Pictures (and their captions) - RADDman

Opinion Gatherer - MadHero15

Music Choices - Darkseid

Judge Who Took Thompson's License Away - Flashpenny (see I have done some good in the world)

Also I need a 5th writer. Just someone to fall back on since I really don't feel like being forced to write entries that my fellows didn't at 10 o'clock at night.

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: Rounds 14-16

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 08:10:45 -0500
Alright here's the final part of the preliminaries in my video game villains tournament. But first who else will make it to the secondary preliminaries?

Round 11: Mike Tyson vs. GLaDOS: GLaDOS releases the neuro-toxin and in response Tyson punches the machine dangling from the ceiling. This just has a pendulum effect as GLaDOS goes flying backwards into Tyson's face knocking him out and leaving him unconscious as he is killed by said neuro-toxin. GLaDOS wins!

Round 12: General Kefka Palazzo vs. Count Veger: Kefka bombards Veger with bolts of lightning a la Emperor Palpatine eventually turning him into a charcoaled corpse. Kefka wins!

Round 13: Ares vs. Tabuu: As much as it pains me to write this, Tabuu fires eye lasers straight at Ares chest eventually melting it and impaling his chest. Tabuu wins!

Round 14: Contestant 1: Ridley (Metroid Hunter series)

Strengths: 1. Is very large.

2. Can breath fire.

3. Can fly

Accomplishments: Ridley is hell-bent on the flourish of the species of parasitic Metroid. While he says he wants it for domination of the universe, let's face it, he knows it, I know it, you know it but there's no better pet than a flying little parasite. Also he killed Samus' parents and is the captain of the space pirates. On top of that he never dies. That's not an exaggeration you killed him in every Metroid game, not to mention the two times you killed him in Brawl, and he's still kicking.

Personality: Ridley is kinda conniving but overall tends to really just be the pawn of Mother Brain. It's like Master-Blaster, he's the Blaster, she's the Master. Nevertheless Ridley is still incredibly ruthless vowing to kill everyone in his way no matter what.

Weaknesses: 1. I'm pretty sure there may be some kind of limit to what he can take.

Round 14: Contestant 2: Andross (Star Fox series)

Strengths: 1. Can fire magical blasts.

2. Is gi-f**king-gantic. Actually he's probably the biggest villain in this tournament.

3. Controls Wolf O'Neal and his crew.

Accomplishments: Andross once served Corneria but eventually decided to get power-hungry. He took over Venom and thus begin forming a scheme to take over the Lylat System. How exactly he went from a monkey scientist to that Dr. Zaius-esque thing you see in that picture up there is unknown. He eventually killed Fox's father and also hired Wolf to finish them off.

Personality: Andross, along with Gruntilda, is one of the very few video game villains in a series to have successfully stood the test of time (even in SFA he was still kinda cool). He's incredibly sadistic and ruthless vowing to inflict as much pain on Fox as possible before killing him. Even in death he's still a threat once trying to destroy all of Venom in an effort to finish off his enemy.

Weaknesses: 1. He was in Star Fox Adventures.

2. His true form is a brain.

My Vote: Andross

Round 15: Contestant 1: Dark Samus (Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption)

Strengths: 1. Has all the powers Samus has.

2. Controls an Aurora Unit.

3. Controls the power of Phazon.

Accomplishments: Dark Samus is easily a far better and more competent villain than Ridley. She awakened from the corpse of a Phazon reaction with the Metroid Prime and eventually took control of the Ings. I'm fuzzy on the details with the first 2 games but I'll get to what she did in Corruption. She effortlessly defeated Samus and her 3 fellow bounty hunters. This culminated into her possessing said bounty hunters and nearly wiping out the universe with the power of Phazon. Also I have to admit I felt bad killing Rundas. Damn you Dark Samus!

Personality: Since Dark Samus is basically the Metroid Prime reborn her personality is really that of a scheming monster. Nevertheless Dark Samus possesses no remorse and will kill everyone in her own grand scheme. She plans everything making everyone her puppet in her own grand scheme. Especially since she made you kill your friends, Dark Samus is a villain you love to hate.

Weaknesses: 1. If the suit is completely destroyed, Dark Samus dies.

2. Or if the Phazon supplies are wiped out.

Round 15: Contestant 2: Clockwerk (Sly Cooper and the Thievius Racoonus, Sly 2: Band of Thieves)

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Strengths: 1. Can shoot lasers, electrical hoops and has razor-sharp talons.

2. As long as his body parts remain intact he can survive being dismembered, decapitated, impaled etc.

3. As long as he has someone's souls powering his body he will live on.

Accomplishments: Clockwerk was consumed with jealousy by the Cooper family's thieving reputation, in that he hated them. This hatred culminated him in going way farther than anyone else would've in his quest for vengeance. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further. He replaced his body parts with machinery which is powered by hatred and vowed to erase the Cooper line once and for all.

Personality: Clockwerk might quite possibly be one of the most realistic psychopaths in any realm of fiction I've seen. This is not an exaggeration he is simultaneously willing to kill anyone he sees but is still taking delight in how he does it. Clockwerk is secure in his superiority over the Cooper family and refuses to let that hatred go. Even if he has to travel the world seven times over he will see to it that they're erased.

Weaknesses: 1. His entire mortality runs on the Hate Chip which, when destroyed, causes Clockwerk's body to deteriorate.

My Vote: Clockwerk

Round 16: Contestant 1: Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts II)

Strengths: 1. Has laser beams that he can use as both close-ranged and long-ranged weapons.

2. Controls nothingness.

3. Also controls Organization XIII, which is comprised entirely of badasses.

Accomplishments: Xemnas damn near controlled the eponymous Kingdom Hearts and whoever controls it controls the universe. Also has complete and utter control over Organization XIII keeping control for the entirety of the two games the Organization appeared in. For those of you who haven't played the games, the Organization is comprised entirely of badasses. Seriously the two weakest members has a spiked shield and a guitar-sword hybrid respectively.

Personality: Unlike his fellow Nobodies, Xemnas has no intention of reclaiming his heart and thus emotions. According to him it allows him to further understand the heart even though it really just made him think that only stuff like anger, hatred and the like make up a heart. Thus the only feelings he's willing to feel are anger, hatred and the like. He'll kill all in his path and has no problems sending his henchmen marching to their doom.

Weaknesses: 1. He can still be killed.

2. He's apparently a poor leader since in-fighting is one of the reasons why the Organization fell.

Round 16: Contestant 2: Albert Wesker (Resident Evil series)

1. Harvests mutant factories, being able to properly coordinate said mutants into his own de facto army.

2. Somehow can survive being infected as a mutant while still keeping his mind.

3. Look at him. He wears sunglasses and dresses in black making him automatically cool.

Accomplishments. *please note: the only RE games I've played are 4 & 5 and Wesker was the main villain in the latter* Wesker is one of the chief executives of the Umbrella Corporation vowing to harvest mutant factories for the sole purpose of being a douchebag. Apparently he says he wants to use them to wipe out humanity to create a new process of natural selection. He's gotten pretty damn close and manipulated Jill Valentine into becoming his henchwoman. Also he's apparently the only person to ever become a mutant and keep his conscious mind.

Personality: Wesker is calm, collected and cool. He's very nonchalant and well just look at the above picture. Seriously the only way he could be any cooler is if he smoked (it's bad for you but it still makes you look cool). That's really all you need. He won't stop to get what he wants. Also he's hell-bent on killing Chris Redfield due to some humiliation in a pass RE game that I never played.

Weaknesses: 1. Is still mortal.

2. Even in his mutant form he can be killed although it still takes a lot.

My Vote: Xemnas.

So this is Flashpenny saying vote, vote, vote!

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: Rounds 11-13

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:46:33 -0500
For those of you wondering where my daily post of this tournament was yesterday, I was having technical problems. I'm technically lazy. :P

So who won the tourney two days ago?

Round 8: Emperor Mateus Palamecia vs. Sephiroth: Sephiroth has many powerful moves but they're no match for the Ruler of Heaven and Hell. Mateus eventually fires a dark magical blast incinerating Sephiroth in it. The Emperor wins!

Round 9: Lavos vs. General Ugh-Zan III: I personally have no idea how exactly Lavos would beat Ugh-Zan in a fight (that's why I voted for the latter). But votes are votes so Lavos uses the awesome power of Deus Ex Machina to obliterate Ugh-Zan into nothingness. Lavos wins!

Round 10: The Prophet of Truth vs. Professor von Kriplespac: The Prophet of Truth fires a laser at von Kriplespac burning a hole in his chest. Truth wins!

Round 11: Contestant 1: Mike Tyson (Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!)

Guy on the right.

Strengths: 1. Is so strong that he can knock his opponent unconscious with a single punch.

2. He'll bite someone's ears off effortlessly.

3. He's also a good rapper and accomplished bike thief.

Accomplishments: He's Mike Tyson dammit! He was the world boxing champion for quite a while and is still pretty damn awesome today (watch The Hangover). That was until his contract went upstream when he lost to James Douglas (not because of the arrest) but he's still awesome (it's Mike Tyson, not Mr. Dream dammit!). Also back in '87 when celebrities rarely, if ever, appeared in games, Tyson's celebrity endorsement was pretty cool. According to my dad, seeing him march into the ring as the final boss really meant something...

Personality: At which point all the gloves are off. If you got past the First Round against this guy that alone is being lucky. Good luck actually beating him. Like in real life Tyson packs a mean punch which means that in a straight-up fistfight, he'll kick your ass.

Weaknesses: 1. He's really an exceptionally strong human being not meaning much in the Mortal Kombat-esque tournament we've got going on here.

Round 11: Contestant 2: GLaDOS (Portal)

Strengths: 1. Is an experienced mind******.

2. Can release a deadly neuro-toxin.

3. Sings a kickass credits song.

Accomplishments: Playing Portal is one of the most memorable experiences a gamer could ever go through. And it wouldn't be half as good had it not been for GLaDOS' memorable performance of simply creeping the gamer the Hell out. Also this guy made you kill the Weighted Companion Cube and actually killed its creators. Damn! Also he/she made HAL 9000 look like a little *****. Damn!

Personality: Even though GLaDOS is a machine, it could probably qualify as a psychopath. In the machine world this probably means that it's really just malfunctioning but this guy really is creepy. It really haunts you. And in the memorable credits song Still Alive an underlying message indicates that GLaDOS will haunt you forevermore. Damn, damn! (cookie for whoever can get what movie that's from.)

Weaknesses: 1. That neuro-toxin takes a bit of time to kick in.

2. As you can see GLaDOS is a piece of metal dangling from the ceiling which means that one good blow can send it all crashing down (although it takes a few explosions to do so thus implying it's somewhat durable).

My Vote: GLaDOS

Round 12: General Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

Strengths: 1. Possesses many omnipotent magical capabilities, ultimately becoming the God of Magic.

2. Also uses the Light Judgment which is one of the most powerful anythings in the FF-verse.

3. He'll kill anything he sees for fun.

Accomplishments: You know what Kefka has done, don't play that game. From the poisoning a city's water supply for the Hell of it to killing his boss (the American dream) to taking over the world and ruling it for a solid year to attempting to end all life, everything.

Personality: Kefka exists only to kill. You ever hear the Andrew W.K. song Ready to Die? One of the lines in it is "It's just a thing we like to do." That's pretty much Kefka, he enjoys killing others. He's pretty much Heath Ledger's Joker before Heath Ledger's Joker. He really hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hates everything.

Weaknesses: 1. It all depends on which part of the game we're talking about here since Kefka grows steadily more powerful as the game goes on since at the beginning his strongest power is Blizzard and by the end he's reached some bizarre Nirvana.

Round 12: Contestant 2: Count Veger (Jak 3)

Strengths: 1. Is very manipulative.

2. Has control over the Krimzon Guard and a Precursor Robot.

3. Has quite possibly the funniest comeuppance in video game history.

Accomplishments: Veger actually killed (or more accurately caused the death of) Jak's father and then just spat on his memory shortly after he died. Let's face it, that's pretty low. One big accomplishment to note is that Veger is in fact the mastermind behind everything that happened in the original Jak trilogy. Specifically he's the one that SPOILER took Jak from his father, lost him to the Underground and then had him shipped over to the Metal Heads to send back to the past. Nice.

Personality: Veger has an unquenchable thirst for power. While Kefka exists only to kill, Veger exists only to rule. After nearly usurping Baron Praxis as ruler of Haven City in the wake of Praxis' death (a move just barely blocked) he thirsts for becoming a Precursor (basically a demi-God). His wish for more power is in front of anything and he doesn't care who he has to get rid of to do that. This is so much so to the point that you actually wish he wasn't the game's secondary villain.

Weaknesses: 1. On his own he's pretty defenseless.

My Vote: Kefka (again, I made this lopsided on purpose)

Round 13: Contestant 1: Ares (God of War)

Strengths: 1. Is the God of War.

2. Has a sword made of fire.

3. Can summon spider legs out of his back.

Accomplishments: Ares somehow made Kratos into an even bigger killing machine. Apparently there's no such thing as overkill on Mt. Olympus. Also remember that Kratos is pretty smart and Ares successfully manipulated him into killing his family. Ouch. Ares also destroyed Athens and took control of Pandora's Box. For those of you unfamiliar with Greek mythology it's basically something that whoever controls it, possesses the power of chaos and discord. Ares' motive? To get Zeus' favor. All that just to get his daddy's respect.

Personality: He's the God of f**king War, what do you expect him to be like? Ares is incredibly ruthless and war-mongering. If you make yourself look like an evil villain next to Kratos who is a grade-A douchebag, then that means he's got a long track record.

Weaknesses: 1. He can be killed and whoever kills him replaces him as the God of War.

Round 13: Contestant 2: Tabuu (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Strengths: 1. Has several magical capabilities. Not very powerful ones but enough that he can hold his own in a fight.

2. Can fire laser halos out of angelic wings.

3. Controls Subspace.

Accomplishments: For one thing, Tabuu successfully manipulated Ganondorf. Assuming you've played Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker or just read this entire tournament up to this point you should know that Ganondorf doesn't really take crap from anyone. If you manipulate Ganondorf, then you get some credit right off the bat. He also successfully defeated over 20 Nintendo characters in one fell swoop. Why he didn't do this right away in the second encounter in the final battle is unknown. Also he killed Master Hand, the SSB series' perennial villain.

Personality: Like Sephiroth, I think Tabuu is a tad overrated. He's cool and all, don't get me wrong, but I don't think he deserves to appear in the top 10 of every "top video game villains list". Anyway since the Subspace Emissary storyline is really just mute leaving you to infer what's going on, Tabuu's personality is unknown. He could be a guy who makes bad puns for all we know (e.g. Mr. Freeze).

Weaknesses: 1. See that eyeball in his chest? If it gets destroyed he dies.

2. So one stray bullet or magical blast could actually make Tabuu dead.

My Vote: The God of War vs. the God of Subspace? Hmm... Ares would definately win!

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: Rounds 8-10

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:33:18 -0500
So who won the last 3 rounds?

Round 5: Dr. Ivo Robotnik vs. Dr. Albert Wily: The fight itself all comes down to mechanical manpower. While Robotnik attacks in a drill-dozer, Wily's 8 Robot Masters all double-team the car and shoot at it until it explodes. Wily wins!

Round 6: Gruntilda vs. Dr. Loboto: Loboto tries to summon his brain tanks for reinforcements but Gruntilda shoots him with a fireball before that can happen. Gruntilda wins!

Round 7: Ganondorf vs. Baron Praxis: The two warlords have a battle of armies where Praxis' Krimzon Guards beat up the Moblins. The two commanders seek each other out and have a sword fight which goes on for a while but Praxis eventually wins, disarming Ganondorf. Ganondorf however transforms into Ganon and uses his tusks to impale Praxis through the back of the head and the tusk out his mouth. Ganondorf wins!

Round 8: Contestant 1: Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Strengths: 1. Has a longass, badass, coolass (that's three *****!) sword.

2. Possesses some magical powers.

3. Possesses the power of JENOVA.

Accomplishments: He was a leading factor in the destruction of the Shinra electrical company (someone mind explaining me how an electrical company took over the world?). He also nearly destroyed the world using the power of JENOVA so he could recreate it and take it over. Also OMG he killed Aeris (that was sarcasm by the way).

Personality: I'm going to be honest here, Sephiroth's kinda overrated. Sure he's calm, cool and calculating like many great video game villains, staying emotionless but there's a line drawn with that. Take a line that takes a lot of emotion. e.g. "What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, have at you!!" If it was said by Sephiroth it would be void of emotion and not have much regard. This is why no line from him is e-famous unlike Kefka's "I hate hate hate hate hate hate you!"

Weaknesses: 1. Even though it looks badass, the Mansumane (his sword) landed a spot on my "top 10 most retarded fictional weapons".

2. Seriously how the Hell are you supposed to hold that thing?

3. As far as FF villains go, Sephy ended up being a bit of a failure.

Round 8: Contestant 2: Emperor Mateus Palamecia (Final Fantasy II)

Strengths: 1. Has an awesome dual-bladed sword.

2. Knows many, many magical capabilities.

3. Also he took over Heaven and Hell.

Accomplishments: Oh, boy, this one's a doozy. Remember the Emperor from Star Wars? Now imagine him twice as young, twice as badass and with a soul twice as evil and you've got Mateus. Now when most video game villains die, they go to Hell and that's the end of it. Palamecia however died, went to Hell, conquered Hell, marched onto Heaven, conquered Heaven, made God and Satan his lap dogs and came back to life. Read that sentence over again. He made God and the Prince of Darkness his lap dogs! That's just beyond impressive.

Personality: To be quite frank, Palamecia is to video game villains what James Bond is to action movie heroes, he's the inspiration for all today. At least he set the standard. He's cold, calculating, calm and a very villainous Dark Lord hell-bent on the annihilation of mankind and/or world domination (he chose whichever came first). So in all honesty he's the guy that Sephiroth wants to be when he grows up. And Ganondorf. And Kefka. And Majora. And Xemnas. Ah screw it, just about every video game villain out there.

Weaknesses: 1. God and Satan understandably are a bit pissed off about this so that "coming back to life" thing really has one use only.

My Vote: Palamecia wins by a landslide.

Round 9: Contestant 1: Lavos (Chrono Trigger)

Strengths: 1. Has some magical capabilities.

2. You have to destroy his 3 parts in order to actually kill this guy.

3. All 3 forms are pretty damn powerful.

Accomplishments: Lavos actually destroyed Earth in a matter of months. OK there are some guys who've done it quicker but he also managed to take a bunch of other worlds with it when he respawned after destroy these worlds. Plus he managed to take Crono to the grave with him. And uh... uh... ah, **** it, let's move on to the personality part.

Personality: Lavos is an evil alien concerned merely for his success as a species. So that makes it like the Aliens from Alien but overall can you really blame the thing? It's got to get its nutrients from somewhere. Regardless he views all humans as swine that deserve to die. This adds a bit of ruthlessness to the evil monster.

Weaknesses: 1. It's not very mobile which does not stack up well against his opponent.

Round 9: Contestant 2: General Ugh-Zan III (Serious Sam: The First Encounter)

Strengths: 1. Size matters

2. He also has a pair of badass laser pistols.

3. He's also very durable (seriously you have no idea how many bullets it took to take this guy down).

Accomplishments: Gamespot put it the most accurately: "When he knocks down an Egyptian city like a couple of toy blocks, you know you better run." Seriously fighting this guy is one of the ultimate adrenaline rushes in video game history. That alone is a pretty big accomplishment. Not to mention he successfully staged an invasion on Earth so that's something too.

Personality: Ugh-Zan III ranks somewhere above Lavos but below a Predator. He's smart but not that smart. Apparently smart enough to plot an invasion of Earth. He's still a ruthless monster who'll do whatever it takes to get what he wants done, done. Moral of the story: don't f**k with Ugh-Zan.

Weaknesses: 1. He's big but not agile.

My Vote: General Ugh-Zan III

Round 10: Contestant 1: The Prophet of Truth (Halo series)

Strengths: 1. Controls the Covenant lending him the servitude of many powerful alien races.

2. Also he controls Tartarus who has a badass laser hammer.

3. He can also shoot lasers from his chair.

Accomplishments: Truth nearly caused the obliteration of the universe. OK, so lots of bad guys have done that. But however he planned on recreating all life perfectly. Wait that happened before too? OK fine let's go with he controls the Covenant who have done many awesome things on their own time, nearly wiped out humanity and also killed Miranda Keyes. That good enough for you? Good.

Personality: The three Prophets all represent a divine personality trait: truth, mercy and regret. The Prophet of Truth is none of those things. He lies through his teeth to his henchmen to get what he wants needed done, he shows no regret for any crimes he has committed and his mercy is at 0%. Seriously the Prophet of Mercy was a loyal henchman who would've given his light for his boss (Truth) and when he was getting mauled to death, Truth ordered the surrounding Brutes to let him die. Man that's cruel.

Weaknesses: 1. Once you break down his hoverchair, he's defenseless.

Round 10: Contestant 2: Professor von Kriplespac (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

Strengths: 1. Knows how to make an Alien from scratch.

2. Also knows how to stop said Alien from mauling him to death.

3. Has several other bizarre inventions.

Accomplishments: Von Kriplespac once ruled the Fairy Land (or wherever the Hell Conker wandered off to in his drunken stupor) before getting overthrown by the Panther King. Then he later on killed the Panther King in an act of revenge as well as building an army of evil Teddy Bears. So there's that. And that's about it. (Like in the heroes tournament, I'm just putting a guy here so I can rip on Conker's Bad Fur Day. :P)

Personality: Von Kriplespac is a barely-understandable mad scientist. Seriously you need the speech bubbles to understand what he's saying. To be fair the whole game is one big parody so von Kriplespac is just really a parody of the stereotypical mad scientist (see Dr. Wily above). So I guess I cant' be too hard on the guy.

Weaknesses: 1. Take a guess what happens when you get into a straight-up fight with him.

2. Also guess who would in a fight between Elites and Tediz.

My Vote: The Prophet of Truth

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: Rounds 5-7

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:02:04 -0500
Rounds 5-7. But first who won?

Round 2: Dormin vs. Yami: Although Dormin is very big this does not mean he's very agile. Thus Yami has no problem maneuvering his robot in between his legs and firing his laser beam straight upwards, obliterating the shadows that create Dormin. Yami wins!

Round 3: Dimentio vs. Fawful: Dimentio quickly summons one of those exploding boxes trapping Fawful inside and then killing him in the ensuing explosion. Dimentio wins!

Round 4: Bowser vs. King K. Rool: The two of them have an epic battle royale to the death, both beating the crap out of each other with their bare hands. After a long fight Bowser eventually breathes fire engulfing K. Rool in the flames. Bowser wins!

Round 5: Contestant 1: Dr. Ivo Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog series)

Strengths: 1. Built many powerful machines.

2. Figured out a way to harness the power of forest animals as a power source.

3. He's also a good driver.

Accomplishments: Robotnik (pre-Eggman years) is a pretty smart doctor hell-bent on world domination. Not that this has ever happened before. Also he figured out a way how to turn the life force of forest animals into a power source. Let's face it that's pretty ingenious. He also figured out that he could make new life by mating with women. Not that this has ever happened before either.

Personality: Robotnik is a very sly, nasty villain who is sneaky and doesn't care how many toes he has to step on to get what he wants done, done. Also he often goes after Sonic himself rather than sending faceless minion after faceless minion after him thus making him smart enough to know when it's time to take matters into his own hands.

Mitigating Factors: 1. Who the Hell names their kid Ivo?

2. As soon as his name was changed to Dr. Eggman it all went downhill from there.

3. Seriously "Dr. Eggman" is the prime example of how to age poorly in video games.

Round 5: Contestant 2: Dr. Albert Wily (Mega Man series)

Strengths: 1. Is also a somewhat ingenious scientist. Specifically he can build and pilot a flying saucer.

2. He knows how to rewire robots into becoming his servants.

3. Also he controls the Yellow Devil. That gives him an edge instantaneously.

Accomplishments: He acted as a project coordinator under his ex-partner Dr. Light to build machines for the hope of bringing them to humanity. Wily also managed to capture them, rewire them into his control and thus captured Dr. Light. Also he managed to create the Yellow Devil. As anyone who's played the original Mega Man will tell you, that gives him a pretty hefty advantage.

Personality: Wily is the stereotypical mad scientist hell-bent on world domination. Granted he sucks at making robots but he still created a bunch of rocks into a living human being. (:P) Also he owns a castle and as the Mega Man trailer will show you, he's a barely-understandable evil scientist. Wait that's the movie with ****ty actors and looks like it's doomed to failure? Meh.

Mitigating Factors: 1. On his own he's pretty damn defenseless.

2. He has the same plot that really just seems like it's ripped off the Underwear Gnomes from South Park.

3. Step 1: Kidnap Dr. Light and robots. Step 2: ? Step 3: Profit.

My Vote: Dr. Wily

Round 6: Contestant 1: Gruntilda (Banjo-Kazooie series)

Strengths: 1. Has many powerful magical abilities.

2. Has legions of minions, including her sisters who own a tank.

3. Is virtually immortal (see below).

Accomplishments: The proudest accomplishment Grunty has done is killing Bottles and the King of the Jinjos (both of whom were resurrected later on). Despite this she nevertheless has been considered a legitimate threat throughout the games. Despite this what she has survived throughout the games is impressive. Gruntilda has been thrown from a several hundred foot fall, crushed beneath a boulder, left under said boulder with no food or water for 2 years, got caught in an explosion at point-blank range and decapitated.

Personality: Gruntilda is a very humorous witch, but is also one evil *****. Due to her unbeilavably accurate timing, she has developed a habit of rhyming. However since yours truly does not, I'll be stopping right now on the spot. *stops rhyming* That pretty much sums her up in a nutshell. She's powerful, competent at what she does but in terms of being taken seriously as a villain, pffft. Gruntilda is way too comical for that.

Mitigating Factors: 1. While she can't be killed she can be defeated.

Round 6: Contestant 2: Dr. Loboto (Psychonauts)

Strengths: 1. Is an expert lobotomist.

2. He made a sort of liquid that can extract brains with a simple sneeze.

3. Also made an army of tanks powered by brains to take over the world.

Accomplishments: Dr. Loboto was an ex-psychiatrist who got his own asylum but due to his poor treatment of the patients and his own blatant lunacy he got locked up there. Thus using a contact of some sort he actually devised a way to lobotomize little kids and use their brains to power tanks to take over the world. In all honesty he's here just to give Psychonauts some credit.

Personality: Despite being a doctor (he's really a dentist) he's blatantly insane. How he actually got a degree is beyond me. Overall he's pretty much Dr. Frankenstein mixed with Gruntilda up there. Nevertheless deep down he's still a very sadistic and evil being who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. He even extorted his henchwoman by threatening to kill her pet.

Mitigating Factors: 1. His actual physical power is pretty weak.

2. Seriously. He got killed by a baby turtle.

My Vote: Gruntilda

Round 7: Contestant 1: Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda series)

Strengths: 1. Possesses the Triforce of Power and thus has many, many omnipotent magical abilities as well as immortality against normal means.

2. Can transform into a boar demon when times get tough.

3. Is a fairly competent swordsman.

Accomplishments: In Ocarina of Time, Ganondorf accomplished almost everything he set out to do before the game was even half-over. Ganondorf's plot was to take over Hyrule and gain control of the Triforce. While he didn't acquire the Triforce he did take over Hyrule and ruled for 7 years (although Zelda and Link later on erased that timeline). He also managed to get the property notice on a forsaken fortress (named the Forsaken Fortress). Plus he has a long list to go through in the 2D Zelda games.

Personality: Ganondorf's personality has differentiated from game to game. In his OoT incarnation (where he's pretty much the Darth Vader of video games) he is an evil Dark Lord but is also a wise-cracking and sarcastic villain. e.g "I like you kid" before blasting Link with magic, calling Link "kid" even when he's an adult, referring to his weapons as toys etc. In Wind Waker he's also a brutal badass with a bit of a tragic villain angle to him. In the Subspace Emissary of Super Smash Bros. Brawl he's a Machiavellian leader who will crush all in his path and was so awesome he actually got the title of the story mode (he's the eponymous emissary).

Weaknesses: 1. Notice how I excluded talking about his Twilight Princess incarnation? Yeah that's because in that game he's a possible candidate for the worst video game villain of all time.

2. While immortal he can be killed by sacred weapons and it is possible for him to be imprisoned.

3. While a competent swordsman he has been beaten in a swordfight by a 12-year-old kid and teenager leaving his swordsmanship questionable.

Round 7: Contestant 2: Baron Praxis (Jak II)

Strengths: 1. Is a great military strategist/dictator as well as commanding an army of elitely-trained soldiers.

2. Has a badass laser sword.

3. Owns equally-badass robots.

Accomplishments: Baron Praxis has a firm stranglehold upon Haven City doing whatever it takes to stay in power. As well as having an alliance with the enemies he's declaring war against he also has a stranglehold over the Haven City Mafia. Plus he successfully manipulated Jak and co. into opening the Tomb of Mar for him and stealing the Stone of Mar. Praxis also devised a semi-brilliant plan to end the war with the Metal Heads and stay in power which only failed because Jak killed his weapons supplier (the aforementioned Mafia leader).

Personality: Praxis will do whatever it takes to stay in control of Haven City from forming an alliance with the Metal Heads to wiping them out. While it's later on revealed that he's a surprisingly deep character, the majority of his emotions are that of an army general. He's calculating, cool and ruthless. He's also quite merciless, once trying to kill everyone in the slums in order to take down the local rebellion.

Weaknesses: 1. Is still mortal regardless of all this.

My Vote: Baron Praxis since a. he's a better villain, b. again Ganondorf in Twilight Princess was horrendous and c. he's probably not going to get many other votes.

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: Rounds 2-4

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 18:12:38 -0500
Before moving on let's see who won the first round.

Round 1: Majora vs. Louie: Louie summons the Titan Dweevil to defend himself but Majora quickly shoots a laser beam at it, killing it. He fires another pair of laser beams at Louie which is blocked by his helmet but melts the helmet. Consequentially Louie is exposed to Earth's atmosphere and begins leaking blood out of orifice including his eyes. Majora wins!

Warning: There'll be spoilers for Shadow of the Colossus, Okami and Super Paper Mario below.

Round 2: Contestant 1: Dormin (Shadow of the Colossus)

Strengths: 1. Possess the abilities of all 16 Colossi.

2. Going by that logic he can fire lightning bolts, fly, survive underwater, shoot poisonous gas orbs out of his mouth and crush enemies underfoot.

3. He's also a brilliant manipulater.

Accomplishments: Despite having his parts strewn throughout the land he successfully manipulated Wander into resurrecting him. And Wander's one smart cookie so that's really got to count for something. Not to mention he also managed to fight off a small army of mercenaries single-handedly.

Personality: Dormin's personality often ranges between a cunning evil mastermind to those douchebag genies who always change the wish around to work against you. (Damn you Spazmabot, when I said I wanted a 12-inch dick, I didn't mean a smaller-than-average guy named Dick.) While Dormin manipulated Wander into resurrecting him he nevertheless promised him his girlfriend back, lied, got Wander shot and stabbed, possessed Wander's corpse and not only that but when Wander was doomed only then did he resurrect his girlfriend. What a dick!

Mitigating Factors: 1. Like I said above, he's a dick.

2. He has an avert weakness to light (seriously a lot of light does him in).

Round 2: Contestant 2: Yami (Okami)

Strengths: 1. He lives inside a giant robot which has buzzsaws, electric tentacles and all other bunch of awesome abilities.

2. He can summon a barrage of missiles out of thin air.

3. He can also fire a massive laser even in his plain form, seen above.

Accomplishments: Yami himself hasn't accomplished much but he has control over the great snake dragon Orochi and the Demon Lord Ninetails. These two both serve Yami. Yami however did in fact wipe out the Celestial tribe, caused the Ark of Yamato to begin spewing out evil and actually nearly caused a permanent solar eclipse. Also he held his own in a fight against the Goddess of Sun and almost won.

Personality: Yami is really just the entity of all that is evil. While this may sound cardboard there is more to it. Just like how the titular Goddess of Sun is the creation and embodiment of all that is good, Yami is the creation and embodiment of all that is evil. Thus he's incredibly ruthless and will kill all in his path, not caring if all of humanity will perish if he takes over the world.

Mitigating Factors: 1. As you can see he's really just a fish in a bowl leaving him harmless outside that killer robot.

My Vote: Hmmm... tough, tough... I'll say Yami

Round 3: Contestant 1: Dimentio (Super Paper Mario)

Strenghts: 1. Can fire magical blasts and create boxes that causes explosions.

2. Due to a buddy he has with the Floro Sapiens he's also capable of hypnotizing others into his will.

3. Despite his playful personality he's a ruthless schemer.

Accomplishments: Despite Dimentio butchering metaphors, he has quite a set of accomplishments. For one thing he usurped Count Bleck and took control of the Chaos Heart himself, manipulating Mario and co. all the way. Oh and by the way he did the one thing no villain beforehand ever did, he killed Mario. Yeah, you read that part right. Granted Mario made a deal with the Queen of Hell to bring him back to life but the point remains. Also Dimentio actually did converge all matter in the universe into a single point.

Personality: Dimentio is an overall very playful being, albeit in a very sadistic way. As well as speaking Italian (Ciao!) he also uses analogies that you couldn't think of. e.g. "And so I strike like a dodgeball in an echoing gymnasium." "Your tale won't end here, no that would be boring. Instead it will end with magic!" "If they ever make greeting cards as thanks for helping me with my evil plan, I owe you guys one." Yeah. He's also an excellent schemer as you can clearly see successfully manipulating Count Bleck, Mario and pretty much every character in the game to his own ends.

Mitigating Factors: 1. Without the Chaos Heart he's very vulnerable.

2. With the Chaos Heart he is still vulnerable to the Pure Hearts.

Round 3: Contestant 2: Fawful (Mario & Luigi RPG trilogy)

Strengths: 1. Knows some degree of magic (specifically how to use lightning).

2. Has henchmen who are fairly competent.

3. Possesses the Dark Star, a fairly powerful artifact.

Accomplishments: Well for one thing he stole the show of Superstar Saga from the game's true villain, Cackletta. Seriously if he stole the show from the game's main villain, than he's awesome. Also he actually manipulated Bowser into being his pawn in his plot to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom as a form of revenge against Mario. That's also pretty damn ruthless. Plus he gained control of the Dark Star, an almighty artifact.

Personality: Take Dimentio, make him slightly less powerful and you've got Fawful. Seriously his butchering of the English language, while merely a Japanese translation error, really made him quite memorable. "I AM HAVING MUCH FURY!" 'Nuff said. Nevertheless he is still quite a schemer making him a cross between Heath Ledger's Joker and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze.

Mitigating Factors: 1. Without the Dark Star his power is fairly limited.

2. Even with the Dark Star he needs somebody else to act as a host body since he becomes a microscopic virus.

My Vote: Dimentio FTW!

Round 4: Contestant 1: Bowser (you know who he is, don't play that game)

Strengths: 1. Can breath fire.

2. Is extremely strong.

3. Has a virtually unlimited amount of minions ready to die for him.

Accomplishments: Bowser has repeatedly and successfully kidnapped the Princess of Mushroom Kingdom, Peach. Granted she gets always taken back but that's got to count for something. Right? Right? Guys? Meh, I also think he once destroyed the entire universe in a cataclysmic explosion but that one he did by accident.

Personality: Bowser has ranged from a Machiavellian, evil villain to an incompetent oaf. There is no middle-ground. What's even worse is that when he is the incompetent oaf and he's still the main villain (e.g. Super Mario Sunshine, certain Mario Party games). He also does appear to care for his child(ren) deep down though that too depends on the game.

Mitigating Factors: 1. He tends to be an idiot at times.

2. He has joined forces with Mario on more than one occasion.

3. He's a possible candidate for the title of "world's worst father."

Round 4: Contestant 2: King K. Rool (Donkey Kong series)

Strengths: 1. Is extremely strong.

2. Knows how to handle a gun.

3. Knows some degree of mechanics.

Accomplishments: King K. Rool has been fraught with the same degree of failure as Bowser but this is because of his henchmen's stupidity rather than his own. He has also kidnapped the Kongs on several occasions as well as stole DK's banana hoard on more than one occasion (why a crocodile wants bananas is unknown). He also nearly destroyed DK Isles on one occasion.

Personality: King K. Rool is a very ruthless king of krool (homophone for cruel). While I haven't played the Donkey Kong Country trilogy, I do know that in Donkey Kong 64 he's very ruthless. He ordered at least one henchman executed and threatened to murder another. He also locked up one of his henchman for insubordination in a pretty small cage. Also he tried to blow up a peaceful, animal-filled island. (Wait that's the island that had Crystal Caves on it right? Yeah it can go to Hell.)

Mitigating Factors: 1. The majority of his henchmen are mildly retarded.

My Vote: King K. Rool

So this is Flashpenny saying vote, vote, vote!

VOTING FOR THIS ROUND IS NOW CLOSED

My Own Video Game Villains Tournament: The Primary Preliminaries

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 18:17:25 -0500
After 3 months of angst from my readers, I've decided to release my video game villains tournament. Just to go over the ground rules: 1. Why you vote is up to you whether it's how they would win in a fight or who's the better villain (I'll personally be going with the latter). 2. Respect other's opinions, including my own. 3. In the event of a tie I act as a tiebreaker. 4. You can only vote for the rounds presented. 5. You have to vote for all of them unless you give some excuse (e.g. you haven't played the games) in which event you have to tell me otherwise I'll nag you until you do. Also there wil be spoilers in this tournament

So here's the roster for the preliminaries.

Round 1: Majora vs. Louie

Round 2: Dormin vs. Yami

Round 3: Dimentio vs. Fawful

Round 4: Bowser vs. King K. Rool

Round 5: Dr. Robotnik vs. Dr. Wily

Round 6: Gruntilda vs. Dr. Loboto

Round 7: Ganondorf vs. Baron Praxis

Round 8: Sephiroth vs. Emperor Mateus Palamecia

Round 9: Lavos vs. General Ugh-Zan III

Round 10: Professor von Kriplespac vs. the Prophet of Truth

Round 11: Mike Tyson vs. GLaDOS

Round 12: Kefka vs. Count Veger

Round 13: Ares vs. Tabuu

Round 14: Ridley vs. Andross

Round 15: Dark Samus vs. Clockwerk

Round 16: Xemnas vs. Albert Wesker

Round 1: Contestant 1: Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

Strengths: 1. Can transform into some powerful forms when enraged.

2. Possesses several omnipotent capabilities such as poisoning a swamp, summoning monsters, taking the moon out of orbit and the like.

3. Remember this is while he was inside a Mask where his abilities were fairly limited.

Accomplishments: Well aside from nearly creating a doomsday that was only stopped because Link had power over time (imagine what would happen if he was a normal hero, Majora would've won), Majora also caused the deaths of several innocents. This includes a great Goron warrior, the son of the Deku Butler, a guitarist in a band (he's basically a Zoran Keith Richards). As well as poisoning water, summoning monsters and turning a fertile farmland into a deadly desert.

Personality: Majora's whole personality is shrouded in mystery which increases his awesomeness as a villain, leaving you to infer what he is and why he wants to end the world. Despite all these mysteries what is known is that this guy (we don't even know if it's a guy) possesses a very strong sadistic streak taking pleasure in the suffering of others. It'll use you to your full potential and as soon as you've outlived your usefulness, he'll drop you like a bad habit.

Weaknesses: 1. Well, he's in a Mask which turns down his power quite a bit.

Round 1: Contestant 2: Louie (Pikmin 2)

Strengths: 1. Has power over bugs.

2. Thus he can summon the Titan Dweevil should things get tricky.

3. That's about it.

Accomplishments: Louie managed to survive on the incredibly hostile planet for more than a day without the aid of any Pikmin so that's gotta count for something. Also he nearly killed his boss which is like living out the American dream.

Personality: Louie is originally the reason why Olimar overstays his welcome in Pikmin 2 to search for his friend. Louie however goes mad after having stayed on the planet for so long or something like that. Thus he summons the Titan Dweevil to kill his friend for the Hell of it. That's pretty damn mean.

Mitigating Factors: 1. The Titan Dweevil, while powerful, isn't invincible.

2. Once you kill it Louie is pretty damn defenseless.

3. Also he's poisonous to oxygen and nitrogen. That spells problems should his helmet break.

My Vote: Majora

VOTING IS NOW CLOSED

Top 10 Most Touching Pieces of Video Game Music

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 21:08:20 -0500
Now every once in a while in video games you're bound to come across some pieces of music that really just get to you. Whether they make you tear up or just really hit you with emotions, they come sometimes. So that's why I'm ranking the top 10 most touching pieces of video game music. Also one per franchise folks. Also remember that this is my list. Plus there'll be spoilers down below so all of you who don't want anything to be spoiled please leave. Since all of you still here let's move on.

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10. Sora's Sacrifice (Kingdom Hearts)

Behold the joy of Ultamite-Ninja and Moocartoons! Even though at times it gets hard for KH to be taken on an emotional level, I have to say that the part where Sora kills himself is one of those times. That and the ending. Anyway what can I say about this? It carries a very bittersweet feel to it as good comes out of bad. Like say a 15-year-old (is he really 15?) committing suicide to save several people's lives.

Invariably this song sounds very, very, very touching. Kind of has that Disney-esque sadness. (Contrary to popular belief, Disney is no stranger to dark scenes and losses. Bambi is proof of that.) The reason why it's this low is because I don't know why. Seriously trying to pick out which theme is the most touching is like trying to pick your favorite child.

Seriously it's only going to get harder for me from here on in but I have to do what I have to do. Oh and in case you're wondering, Square-Enix will appear once more on this list. They're known for making music as touching as this repeatedly. Plus I still have two more series from them to go over. Yay for me!

9. The Sun Rises (Okami)

Believe me when I say that trying to pick a favorite song from Okami is one of the hardest things someone could do. Let alone trying to pick a song from Okami that should belong on this list. Let alone trying to put it at # 9. Man it's like trying to pick your favorite child, your favorite leg and your favorite ball, it's just so goddamn hard.

Invariably the one song from the game that rings above all others is The Sun Rises, the game's final boss song. Let me just say that outside of the game it sounds pretty damn impressive. Now imagine what it must be like during the game's final boss (basically Master Hand on steroids). It's awesome. Also the scene beforehand and Amaterasu getting all her power back really kinda sets the standard.

So overall this song gives off a great adrenaline pump. Especially since most final boss songs sound dark and evil, this sounds happy and hopeful. And like I said before, putting this at # 9 was painful but it must be done. Simply because it's not as touching as everything else here.

8. Outskirts of Time (Chrono Trigger)

The first credits theme on this list is beautiful. I think we can all agree that Chrono Trigger was quite the game and is definately some of Square's finest work. I'd say that it's certainly better than some of the Final Fantasy games (aside from maybe IX and VI). Then again this is coming from the guy who only plays turn-based RPGs like Final Fantasy and Chrono Trigger for a good story so it depends on who you ask.

This song itself sounds like the world can finally rest in peace now that Lavos is destroyed. Also in the normal ending Crono died which makes this overall sadder. This is a piece of music that sounds simultaneously happy and sad and thus it'll adjust itself to either situation perfectly. Is it happy because Lavos is destroyed or is it sad that Crono died?

Also is it me or does the art style of Chrono Trigger seem extremely similar to DragonBall Z's? So... what in order to bring Crono back they have to find 7 weird spheres or something? Sorry I just had to make that horrible joke. Moving on.

7. Still Alive (Portal)

Ah Portal, probably the greatest short game ever made. Portal was 4 hours of awesomeness and during the game you play as the silent protagonist Chell who has to take down the creepy, psychopathic machine GLaDOS. So when you finally take down the insidious GLaDOS what kind of ending are you going to get? This.

GLaDOS solidifies herself as an immortal villain by singing a kickass credits song. I especially love the part where she said that "I'm not even angry. Even though you broke my heart and killed me. And broke me into pieces and threw every piece into a fire." I lol'd at that part.

Not to mention that this song also has a creepy layer to it since this song inevitably translates to GLaDOS saying that she'll haunt you forevermore. Kinda hard to believe that such a catchy, happy-sounding song with such a dark theme beneath it. Not the first time I've heard that king of thing before though.

My attempts to turn this into the replacement for the RickRoll have thus far been largely ignored. Still doesn't hurt to promote the proposition some more though.

6. You're Not Alone (Final Fantasy IX)

Enjoy the music video that comes with it.

Like I said FFIX is one of my favorite games in the Final Fantasy series. But really just picking one touching song from Square-Enix's decalogy (FFXI onwards never happened in my world) is hard to do. Overall I went with You're Not Alone from Final Fantasy IX simply because listen to it. Using a guitar to sound sad is kinda hard.

This plays in the part of the game where Zidane discovers that he was created solely as an Angel of Death and exists for the sole sake of killing. Can you imagine having that kind of epiphany? Seriously that monkey tailed kid must've been going through some serious psychological trauma when he learned that, even though he didn't.

He did act surprise to be fair but that's a surprisingly well state of mind for him to have been in. I would've **** myself if I learned I was created merely to kill (and then I would chainsaw my douchebag brother after finding out I had an excuse). Oh and about making guitars touching...

5. Rainbow Road (Mario Kart 64)

and Dire, Dire Docks (Super Mario 64)

Even though Mario is a family-friendly, overall kinda-childish franchise (or is it: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Biography-of-Mario) it did have its fair share of touching songs. Enough so that I had to declare a tie between the two most beautiful in the entire franchise: Rainbow Road (which easily topped my top 10 Mario songs with DJGrandPa) and Dire, Dire Docks, both of which are songs that are like taking a trip down memory lane.

Rainbow Road is bloody beautiful. Is it bloody beautiful? Listen to it. It's bloody beautiful. It's a song that was made for the sole purpose of instilling nostalgia into its listeners. I swear I nearly broke down listening to it when I popped Mario Kart 64 back into my N64 since it makes you pine for your childhood. Growing up sucks, I want my childhood back! The only reason why it doesn't top the list (believe me it would if I let it) is because the other 4 songs are really sad and that's where the real beauty comes in.

Dire, Dire Docks is also a great piece of music that is very soothing. Overall it kinda helps me put to sleep at night. Very relaxing. The drum beat that comes in halfway through just helps further instill a soothing atmosphere (eat it Thunderbird). So relaxing. So relaxing. So relax.... Zzzzzzzzzzzz

4. Theme of Love (Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots)

OK I've never even played Metal Gear Solid 4 and I never will for two reasons: 1. I personally detest MGS' unbearably long cut-scenes. Seriously it tells a great story but couldn't they make it shorter. 2. I don't own a PS3.

Anyway when I play this back to back with its Brawl remix it overall gives you a feeling of the two sides of war. The Brawl version is telling you of all the adrenaline you feel as you're running through a battlefield shooting at enemy soldiers, dodging explosions etc. This song however is beautiful because it represents the other part.

You know the other part. You watch all your friends and comrades get slaughtered. This is where grown men can cry... or if they're not sissies sleep in a tree for 2-and-a-half years in sub-zero weather and kill over 700 people (sorry, I just couldn't get away with this without making a reference to Simo Hayha, the essence of manliness). I especially love the part where the violins come in 3-and-a-half minutes in.

3. Stickerbrush Symphony (Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy Kong's Quest)

Like the aforementioned Guns of the Patriots I've never played Diddy Kong's Quest or quite frankly any Donkey Kong Country games (although I do own DK64, an awesome, underrated game). Granted I'll try to get my hands on it some day but that's off-topic. What's on-topic is this bit of music that really reminds you why Nintendo is the greatest video game company ever because only they can pull off great music like this.

Overall for a Donkey Kong (or a Diddy Kong I guess) game, this is pretty damn touching. Hand it to the (former) Gods down at Rareware to come up with something like this. Simultaneously catchy and beautiful. It makes you stop and think about all the suffering that's going on in the world, while you have it made (if you have a computer, you have it made, end of story).

It also reminds of the day when I realized I would never see my Granduncle Tom ever again. R.I.P. Tom. It also makes me realize that eventually my grandparents, whom I'm very close with, only have another decade or so before their time is up. Dammit this one is making me tear up too. Moving on!

2. Demise of the Ritual (Shadow of the Colossus)

Hearing Demise of the Ritual outside of the game makes it sound fairly unimpressive. But let me gurantee you, once you take on Malus (the final Colossus) as this song plays with the rain pouring down and the thunder and lightning giving a very bleak atmosphere, it'll be one of your favorite video game songs of all time.

Overall let me just give you a personal recollection of how surprising the song was. Up to this point in the game, whenever you fought a Colossus the song gave a very great adrenaline boost. It made you feel empowered. Here however it makes you feel bad. It makes you stop and think: are the Colossi really evil beasts that are meant to be slain or are they just simply animals that wish to be left alone and you're serving the true villain?

Overall I think that Malus is a perfect final boss, ending the game in a way no other should. Granted he's not my favorite final boss but probably # 3. Also that bit at the end when the opera comes in appears at the part during the battle where you're expected to climb Malus. Let me tell ya, the effect that scene has is what I refer to as an "instant classic" moment.

1. Last End (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)

If you're surprised you obviously haven't played Majora's Mask and thus have some problems on Gamefly to attend to. If you've heard this and don't think it deserves to top the list you should hang you head in shame. Underwater. About an hour should do it. Anyway like Okami and Final Fantasy it was pretty damn hard to pick just one piece of music from the Legend of Zelda series, but Last End made it to the top.

Not only is this song so touching that it's the most touching piece of video game music ever but actually yours truly's favorite piece of video game music period. The sequence in the game known as Last End is a purely magical moment where you actually care for the NPCs. As in you feel sorry for them as they await their imminent doom at the hands of Majora.

Let me remind you that this is back in the N64 age where most characters consisted of polygons. It's easier to care about characters in games today because they look realistic but let me tell ya, you felt for these people. Even if Rainbow Road was my list-topped, it would have a run for its money. Last End is just the most touching piece of video game music and it shall remain that way.

If you think there might be any music more touching than this please post it in the comments secti... Ah who am I kidding? Of course there's no piece of music more beautiful, touching and awesome as Last End. Thank you for reading and good night.

Flashpenny's Dammit-I-Can't-Think-Of-An-Original-Title Interviews # 24: The BertRam

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 08:14:09 -0500
Here's my title with our pal TheBertRam, an overall pretty nice guy.

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Flash: Favorite movie?

Bert: Hmmmm, well I'm not much of a movie watcher so I'll just say what my favorite movie is right now. Zatochi movie series is great it's exactly how a samurai movie should be! And it's on Hulu for free right now.

Flash: Favorite movie hero?

Bert: Jackie Chan in any movie he is in.

Flash: Favorite movie villain?

Bert: Eddie Murphy in Dr. Dolittle.

Flash: He was a villain? I thought he was a good guy.

Favorite movie theme song?

Bert: Black Dynamite theme song, also yes he was he tortured those animals by talking to them THE FIEND!

Flash: Favorite movie climax?

Bert: The final fight in Drunken Master against the assassin that was trying to kill his father. Jackie get's super drunk and destroys him with drunken kung-fu!

Flash: Favorite movie quote?

Bert: I ain't got time to bleed From Predator.

Flash: Favorite death of a movie character?

Bert: Wow this one's hard for me, for some reason. The countless faceless soldiers killed by Rambo.

Flash: Where did you get the idea for your g1 name?

Bert: It's my middle name, but I just split it up to make it sound like I'm ramming bert.

Flash: Where do you get the idea for your blogs?

Bert: I got the idea from a g1 by the name of christenm123, he made a blog about sugestions of albums people may like. And this led me onto asking him if it was ok to take the idea but change it a lot. He was ok with it, and here I am today still blogging about music.

Flash: What do you do while waiting for me to reply?

Bert: Well since I've been replying quite slowly, I normally get in a couple youtube videos and comment or read some things on random spots on the internet. All the while listening to music.

Flash: Would you like to take the SSB personality quiz?

Bert: Yeah sure why not!

Flash: Do you prefer winning or losing?

Bert: I guess it matters on the situation, for some I like to win like any normal person but if the prize or reward is something I don't care for, or if some one gets hurt in the process I'd rather lose.

Flash: I'll just mark that down as winning.

Are you effeminate?

Bert: Yes I had to look this word up, and HELL NO! I got chest hair and all.

Flash: Are you a furry?

Bert: I'm not a furry, or at least I don't think I am. I hope I'm not too much fur not enough skin.

Flash: Actually a furry is someone who enjoys having sex with furry animals.

Anyhoo do you play World of Warcraft?

Bert: No I don't want to get addicted so I stay away from it, it's just like saying no to drugs.

Flash: Are you a pedophile?

Bert: Nope, but a few have asked if I wanted a ride home.

Flash: Are you a pervert?

Bert: Only when the moon hits me.

Flash: Are you a fart aficionado?

Bert: I like to say that sometimes is I can tell who the farted by the smell, but it's still just stinky to me.

Flash: Are you a furry but for lizards?

Bert: Wouldn't that be a scaly? And nope. Are you?

Flash: No.

Do you like super-old characters that nobody cares about anymore?

Bert: Of course I do, I always love reading old books and finding new characters to me, but old ones to everyone else!

Flash: Do you enjoy doing household chores?

Bert: Actually yes, since all the stress I see my parents go through after getting home from work is saddening. So I love to see some of the stress be relieved by doing some chores for them.

Flash: Your ideal SSB character is Mr. Game & Watch. Was I right?

Bert: As a character hell yes, but I really hate having to use him ever.

Flash: Which character do you want to appear most in the next SSB game?

Bert: Another appearance by any character from Golden Sun. That brief move Issac did wasn't enough!

Flash: Favorite video game?

Bert: ONLY ONE!? ARE YOU INSANE! I guess I'll just name the one I've been playing a lot, and that would have to be Borderlands.

Flash: You can really give as many as you want so long as you don't go overboard (I think you've read enough of my interviews to read this).

Favorite video game hero/

Bert: Amaterasu that is all. All other heroes don't even compare to a wolf-god saving the world for the second time.

Flash: Also the facial and body expressions that dog gives are priceless.

Favorite video game villain?

Bert: Hmmm, I'm gonna have to say the Colossi in Shadow of the Colossus.

Flash: I don't think those things qualify as villains (they struck me more as wild animals giving territorial attacks) but ok.

Favorite final boss?

Bert: Fable 2, since it was so pathetic! You pretty much just press A.

Flash: Favorite regular boss?

Bert: What exactly is a regular boss? I guess I'll just guess, Elite 4 those guys need to get lives!

Flash: A regular boss is any boss in a video game who isn't a final boss.

Bert: Fine then! Since Elite 4 certainly wouldn't fit that. I'll say Brock in pokemon yellow, not the other versions only yellow.

Flash: Favorite video game song?

Bert: Well ****, I'm sorry to say I don't have a favorite I'm more into real (I hope that would be the correct terminology) music.

Flash: Favorite video game level?

Bert: Brutal Legend when you go and get the amplifiers for the roadies. It has a very satisfying ending to it, to me at least.

Flash: How did you find your way to ScrewAttack?

Bert: Watching a re-cap video of SA's highlights and thinking, wow now thats a nice site! So I came here and was hooked!

Flash: Given your affinity for "real" songs what is your favorite?

Bert: Well I have bunches and they're ever changing, I'll just pick one. The Girl from Hirschhorn by Guru Guru.

Flash: Well that's it for the interview. I hope you had fun.

Bert: Oh yes it was a lot of fun, even if I made it really slow because I responded so late.

The Rise of the King of Pirates: Part 15

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:33:16 -0500

IAhoy mateys! This thar be the climatic finale of me walkthrough game, the Rise of the King of Pirates. Enjoy mateys! If you're new to this entry, go read the previous parts or else I'll make ye walk the plank. (sorry, got a little carried away with the pirate theme there.)

Part 1: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-1-Special-Edition-Im-Back-Baby
Part 2: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-2
Part 3: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-3
Part 4: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-4-This-Is-My-Half-Year-Anniversary-So-Read-The-Blog-Dammit
Part 5: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-RIse-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-5
Part 6: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-6
Part 7: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-7
Part 8: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-8
Part 9: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-9
Part 10: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-10
Part 11: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-11
Part 12: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-12
Part 13: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-13
Part 14: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-14

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As the shadowy figure walked into the light Prince sneered, "O'Rourke. I thought you were dead." O'Rourke, obviously quite alive, replied, "I have my ways." O'Rourke enters the chamber he is flanked by Lieutenant Clemens who has his pistol as O'Rourke's back. Prince stands up and congratulates, "Well done Clemens. You captured O'Rourke! How did you do it?" Clemens replies, "Through good ol' detective work. I like to keep things old-fashioned."

O'Rourke grins, "Indeed. Especially with something that speaks much louder than loyalty." O'Rourke picks up a stone chest with gold coins in it and kicks it over to Clemens saying, "Your payment my dear lad." Clemens then aims his pistol at Prince saying, "Like I said: I like to keep things old-fashioned and corruption is fairly old-fashioned. After all when a pirate has to go, he has to go."

Prince astounded asks, "So wait you were in cahoots with O'Rourke the whole time?" Clemens explains, "No, just since when he came to Georgestown to manipulate DeDarrow into killing you. I never was allied with you, I just swore loyalty to let me go free and then I returned to DeDarrow. See that's the problem with me, my loyalty tends to be very... flexible."

Prince continues, "Aye but that leaves one more stone unturned. How did you survive DeDarrow hangin' you?" O'Rourke explains, "He never actually hung me per se. The thing about hanging is that it kills somebody because all the weight is centered around the neck which cannot support the weight. Thus I told him for a sneak attack on you to "hang" me by attaching a brace from my neck to my waist allowing equal distribution of weight. Then I stowed away on his ship and here I am now."

As Clemens picks up his treasure chest, O'Rourke takes out a pistol and approaches Prince with his hand outstretched stating, "The Gems, if you wouldn't mind?" Prince replies, "Oh, I would mind." As Prince makes a quick movement to try to take out his cutlass, O'Rourke shoots him squarely in the solar plexus causing Prince to fall down apparently dead as O'Rourke takes the bag full of the Gems off his body.

Prince is sucked into a black void as he once more mets with LaViggio. Prince groans, "Oh no, not you again. Can't you leave me alone already?" LaViggio asks, "Why do you insist on resiting my temptations Horace Prince? The afterlife is awaiting for someone like you. Your body is weak. Come with me." Prince hesitates before denying, "No! You said it yourself! If O'Rourke gets those Gems into that Tablet and gets its control, the world will fall apart. You said it yourself."

LaViggio laughs, "Do you think I care about what happens to your world? I am a siren, servant of the Devil, here to bring souls to the Great Beyond. Come with me." She outstretches a hand before Prince stabs her hand saying, "I'm not attracted by sirens." As he returns to the conscious world, LaViggio shouts back, "One day, you will be mine!"

Prince awakens and noticing his bleeding shin and midriff quickly makes two tourniquets out of cloth while keeping the pressure down enough to not cut off blood circulation. He looks up at the Tablet which has O'Rourke next to it with all the Gems inside. (Going clockwise from the upper left corner it proceeds in the order you got them in.)

Prince stands up and yells, "O'Rourke! It's not over yet!" O'Rourke replies, "Let's see now. The guy I hired is paid off, DeDarrow's dead, you look you're on your way out, your First Mate is unconscious and I'm about to claim my prize. Going by all that I'd say it's over." He then reaches over to the Tablet but as soon as he grips it, the Tablet crumbles into dust.

O'Rourke picks up the dust in horror as Prince tauntingly yells out, "You see O'Rourke? That's what happens when your omnipotent artifact is 10,000 years old!" O'Rourke climbs down the stairs and faces Prince as well as taking out his cutlass as Prince does the same. The two prepare to fight as a stalagtite falls down inches away from them.

The whole cave begins rumbling. O'Rourke quickly runs out while Clemens (still holding onto his treasure chest) points out, "The destruction of the Tablet must've instigated a cave-in." McInnis wakes up rubbing his head and asks, "What's going on cap'n?" Prince states, "There's a cave-in occurring." McInnis observes and nonchalantly asks, "Shall we run for our lives screaming at the top of our lungs to the lifeboat we brought over?" Prince also nonchalantly replies, "Oh yes, let's."

They all begin running although when they get to the channel all of the lifeboats DeDarrow brought over are crushed by rocks and Prince's is being rowed out by O'Rourke. Prince sneers, "That bastard. Hang on when did the water get to my ankles?" Indeed the water level has gone to the character's ankles and Clemens points out, "The channel's rising!" Prince replies, "Thank you Captain Obvious!" to which Clemens retorts, "Your welcome Sergeant Sarcasm." As they're arguing, the stalagtites form a bridge to the other side. Prince repeats his catchphrase: "That's convenient."

So now as you take control of Prince again you have a minute to cross the bridge, across the room of treasure, up the stairs, out of the cave. Assuming you don't dilly-dally you should make it. Just be sure to avoid the rocks and stalagtites. Overall this is a fairly easy task so long as you don't mess around.

Eventually as you reach the cave door Prince and McInnis exit safely although the rock leading to the stairs over the now-water-logged cavern crumbles as Clemens grabs a vine hanging from the ceiling, holding on for dear life. He pleads to Prince, "Prince! Save me!" Prince replies, "You sold me out! How do you think I'm going to treat you?"

Clemens pleads, "You see that treasure chest there?" nodding towards the treasure chest that he threw onto the ground as McInnis picks it up. "It's got one million pounds worth of treasure in there. All for you Prince. I'm still loyal to you. Awaiting captain's orders sir." Prince looks from McInnis to the chest in his hands to Clemens and back to the chest again.

After a short pause Prince says as his face turns dark, "Captain's orders? Go to Hell and take your treasure with you!" At this remark McInnis throws the chest and Clemens' chest dislodging him from the vine whilst holding on the chest and sending him screaming to his watery grave below.

As the sun shines while Prince walks down Tortuga he says, "Ah Tortuga at noontime. The best place in the world." McInnis asks his captain, "Uh, cap'n. What are you going to do about O'Rourke?" Prince looks at the figure with a tricorn hat and a grey-haired ponytail at the end of the dock (obviously O'Rourke) and replies, "He'll be taken care of in all due time."

Now that you're back in control of Prince do whatever you wish before the final battle. Finish up any side-quests on any other islands or Tortuga. If you wish to stock up on pistols and pipe bombs (although it won't do any good). Eventually when you're finally ready for the final battle walk down to the end of the dock and talk to O'Rourke.

As Prince turns to O'Rourke he says, "Hey O'Rourke!" As O'Rourke turns around Prince punches him across the face saying, "That one's for the innocent lady and infant you cold-bloodedly murdered. Now that's cold, even by a guy like me." O'Rourke gets up and grins before continuing, "Let's finish this in a more open area. Like where the dock conjoins with the street."

As they walk there the scene cuts to McInnis barging into the bar yelling, "Hey everyone! Prince and O'Rourke are finally going at it! Tell everyone! No one wants to miss this!" As everyone in the town pretty much gathers around the duo in a ring (pretty much trapping the two in the arena) Prince and O'Rourke face each other as grey clouds gather overhead with Prince indifferently remarking, "There's a storm coming."

O'Rourke, confident in his inevitable victory, asks, "Do you really think you stand a chance against the King of Pirates?" Prince asks, "You think you're the King of Pirates? "Indeed. I touched the Tablet of LaViggio. I am the King of Pirates. You lost Prince, I won. I even control this whole town with my influence so your support is also frightfully low." He yells out to the crowd, "Who do you guys want to win?"

The crowd however begins cheering, "Prince! Prince! Prince! Prince! Prince!" They continue cheering as the camera swerves around the crowd showing Prince's crew (including McInnis), Tortuga's inhabitants, that homeless guy (in nothing but his underpants) you played 3-card monte with, several of the inmates from the prison fortress (including Tahm if you completed the Rum Brigade), some defected British troops and even the Yeti and the Colossus who are cheering for Prince in the water.

O'Rourke grimaces realizing he no longer has any power over the town as Prince states, "Riddle me this O'Rourke: who is the true King of Pirates? The guy who got a gold square or the guy who has most pirates cheering his name. You've lost O'Rourke, I've won." O'Rourke turns around and takes out his cutlass saying, "I wonder if they'll change their mind when I kill you."

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Final Boss: Bartholomew O'Rourke

Difficulty: *****

I should grant a song this epic to a final boss who deserves it.

The final battle against O'Rourke takes place on the docks of Tortuga as clouds gather overhead, wind blows and lightning flashes on the horizon. True to what every character has been saying in the game, O'Rourke is a great on defense which makes it hard enough to hit him as it is. Before we move onto the fight itself, let's go over his attack gallery.

O'Rourke's main attack is basically a sword combo that is easily-dodged but if you're caught in it, you aren't getting out. It's an overall good idea to avoid getting hit. He also does a charging thrust attack with his sword that is also easily avoidable. His final sword attack is spinning 360 degrees with his sword outstretched.

O'Rourke's other attacks are the same as yours which include shooting pistols and he's the only enemy in the game that throws pipe bombs. The pistols do as much damage as it would from a blackcoat so as long as you keep moving whenever he takes it out, he shouldn't hit you (after all it's hard to hit a moving target).

The pipe bombs you want to be wary of. He throws out three at a time and be sure not to get near any of them. If you get caught in the explosion it kills you automatically, even if you're at full health. So overall you want to avoid getting hit by the bombs. This becomes especially problematic since as the battle goes on, he throws them more and more.

Also it isn't worth it to try to hit him with any of your pistols or your pipe bombs. If you try to take your pistol out, he'll keep on running and will always miss. Also if you throw a pipe bomb he'll use his sword to whack it back and as you know pipe bombs kill you in one hit so this is something you do not want.

The trick to beating this guy is just fair swordplay, no cheats, no hidden codes, no nothing. Just a straight-up, one-on-one sword duel. However as you notice O'Rourke's legend of defense are true as just about every sword you swing, he'll block it. The trick to beating him is the final attack where he charges at you.

Press the attack button at the right time and you'll go into a mini-cut-scene of the two having a sword fight. Since I'm a bastard it's basically an instant quick-time event. Press the attack button at the right time to block and hit O'Rourke and eventually you'll hit him taking off some health. When the thing ends he'll be open for one or two more sword hits before he goes back on defense.

As the battle wages on these things become more and more difficult to win and you have to act more and more quickly. And again as it continues O'Rourke throws out pipe bombs more frequently. At the very end of the battle when he has just a bit of health left is the hardest part of the game where O'Rourke begins running on the outer parts of the arena which signals his most dangerous attack.

He begins running around throwing pipe bombs into the interior of the arena, three at a time, often throwing the next batch before the previous 3 even explode. You'll have to be quick if you want to avoid them all. It takes some effort (and remember if you die, you have to do the whole battle all over again) but eventually it'll stop and O'Rourke will charge again for another quick-time event. Win it and the fight is won.
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After the fight is won O'Rourke and Prince are still facing each other both breathing heavily and exhausted. The two charge at each other again and get the swords into a lock and have a short duel that neither actually gets an advantage over the other. O'Rourke and Prince then step back from each other with O'Rourke at the edge of the dock and Prince around the middle.

The two go for the same strategy and both throw their cutlasses at each other at the same time with Prince aiming for O'Rourke's head and O'Rourke aiming for Prince's stomach. O'Rourke's cutlass barely misses as Prince gets out of the way although it skims the side of his stomach, cutting it open but not impaling it.

Prince's cutlass however finds its mark and land squarely in O'Rourke's eyepatch, impaling his head. O'Rourke's other eye looks at the sword before chuckling and saying, "So long... Horace King." His eye then glazes over as he falls backwards into the ocean sinking into the depths.

As the storm hits the island, the sky darkens and rain begins falling quickly reaching a downpour. Prince's left arm grips the side of his now-profusely bleeding stomach and goes past the crowd as it parts saying, "If you'll excuse, I'd like to get myself a drink."

Prince then walks down the street in the downpour in the exact same camera angles as the beginning of the game although he's now somewhat hunched and clutching his stomach wound. As Prince approaches the door, the door guard once more stands in his way and repeats his words: "Listen here Horace Prince, the owner of this tavern says he doesn't want you in anymore if you're not going to pay for your booze."

Prince, still clutching his stomach in the downpour, smiles, "Ah... but I'm going to pay the debt off... tonight." "Really?" says the surprised guard. "No," replies Prince. The guard remains skeptical saying, "Prince, I remember your words from last time and you can't shoot me in the stomach because I don't see you having any guns on you."

Prince instead uses the arm not clutching his stomach and puts it into a gun shape (the index finger extended outwards with the thumb pointed up and the other three fingers curled). He points it at the guard and then lifts it up saying, "Bang," before falling down onto the mud. The screen fades to black with an image of LaViggio saying, "Horace Prince. You have indeed become the King of Pirates," before fading to black.

The credits then roll to this tune. While the credits roll the pictures of the game up to that point flash on the screen corresponding with the lyrics (you know that cliche). All the pictures correspond with the tune. For the reprise we see Prince sailing and the regular lyrics is on the islands. For the tropical steel drum part midway through we see pictures of O'Rourke, DeDarrow and the rest of the game's villains (e.g. the Guardians).

This continues onwards for the rest of the credits. However near the end when the reprise picks up (at 3:03) we see the actual lyrics corresponding. The camera switches to a first-person perspective as a figure ascends a ship to the helm before the camera shows that its Prince sailing with his crew. As a jolly roger flows (his mouth corresponds with the lyrics of "Pirates alone we can be") he and his crew sail off to attack another ship. The game's final shot is everyone throwing their hats up in the air at the final "wolves of the sea" line with the freezing frame on the hats in the air before the screen turns a tan color saying "fin".

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Stay tuned for the whole story in one sitting, as there's where I'm going to post what the characters are supposed to look like (the main ones anyway) and also give credits. Also if anyone's confused about the ending ask me in the comments and I'll explain.

Top 12 Most Sadly Underrated Boss Songs

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 21:17:33 -0500

Behold the list that I've been working on for the past 2.5 days, which is the most time I've put into any blog yet. We all know about One-Winged Angel, Zero-Two, the final boss song from Ocarina of Time, Darkness of the Unknown and The Ultimate Show but what about all those other boss songs that got left in the dust? There are great video game boss songs that just don't get enough credit. Here are 12 of those boss songs.

Just as a few rules: 1 per franchise and it has no effect on how good it is, it's rated by how underrated they are despite being good.

12. Final Boss Song (Jak & Daxter: The Lost Frontier)

OK now the Jak series is not particularly well-known for its music, particularly because you can probably only find five great songs from each game. However when it comes to music one part where the series definitely exceeds expectations is the final boss music. Seriously of the original trilogy all 3 final boss songs landed a spot on my top 100 video game boss songs I did a few months ago (with the one from Jak 3 being and stil remaining # 1).

So those 3 get credit but what about this one. Well probably because The Lost Frontier is a horrendous Jak game (a great game no doubt, but as a Jak game it fails) but still the point remains. Just listen to it. After a catchy beat it gets better and better until that opera comes in a minute and a half in. It's awesome.

This remains at the bottom of the list because the game is only about 2 months old, it not being recognized is fairly understandable. Especially since I'm the only person in my school and on ScrewAttack to have beaten the game so it shall remain at the bottom of the list. Moving onto a better game.

11. Counterattack (Shadow of the Colossus)

OK, I just want to go on record saying that pretty much every boss song from the orchestrated masterpiece Shadow of the Colossus is underrated. So when I put Counterattack on here, I'm speaking in relativity, as in by SotC fans (like myself) it's underrated. Despite not getting as much credit as Demise of the Ritual or A Despair-Filled Farewell it still gives you an adrenaline burst that I really have not yet felt in a game.

Oh and the chief reason why this song is on here is just by looking at the above picture. That's the guy you're supposed to fight. The only way it could get any more epic is if was dressed like Darth Vader and had a red lightsaber. Seriously as soon as I killed the guy I reset my PS2 and fought him over again until the adrenaline wore off.

So just for the memory against the Flying Snake Colossus (uh, I think the name for it is Phalanix or something) this is # 11. It's at the bottom since again, every boss song from Shadow of the Colossus is underrated. So just choosing one to put on here was really quite an effort.

10. Battle of Ninetails (Okami)

Like SotC up there, pretty much every boss song from Okami is underrated (sans The Sun Rises). So once again I'm speaking in relativity for Okami fans like myself. While stuff like the Battle of Orochi and Battle of the Twin Demons (yes, all the boss songs are called Battle of *boss' name*) get credit this doesn't. How come? Seriously this song is intense, especially against Ninetails who now rivals Professor Hojo from FFVII for the title of my "favorite video game secondary antagonist".

Also for some strange reason I always like the boss music that has a catchy beat after an extended length of music (0:42-1:07). So this is no exception. So that's it. What were you expecting 3 long paragraphs of a long-winded explanation? This is a blog by Flashpenny you're reading, you should know better by now!

9. O'Chunks Battle

and King Croacus Battle (Super Paper Mario)

OK, now that we're out of the game's the need more credit for their music, we're onward to actual video game series. So in all honesty I had to look high and low all throughout the Mario franchise to look for the most underrated boss tracks. So I eventually found them in the underrated gem of Super Paper Mario. Why are these two great songs so underrated you ask? 3 words: The. Ultimate. Show.

About the O'Chunks song it's just so catchy. It's just duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. So catchy, which is great since you fight O'Chunks repeatedly throughout the game. (Come to think of it, in some games I've played there are bosses you fight repeatedly throughout the game: Okami, The Lost Frontier, all three Paper Mario games etc.)

As for the second one it sounds so haunting which really kinda sounds creepy against King Croacus (I'm personally still trying to get it through my head that that thing's a guy). It's very chilling and is also overshadowed by The Ultimate Show. I have these two tracks down at the bottom because it's a tie and I'm thus technically cheating to get them both on here. Now onto the remainder of thy list!

8. King K. Rool Battle (Donkey Kong 64)

and Magus Battle (Chrono Trigger)

*sigh* Another tie. Am I technically cheating to get 14 on here when the title promised 12? Yes, which is why these songs are # 8. Do I care? No, I probably would've had the Magus Battle music slightly higher. Don't worry, this will be the last tie on the list before we begin getting to the entries that have their own slots.

Now the King K. Rool battle song from Donkey Kong 64 is sadly in the shadow of the 3 Donkey Kong Country. So much so Rare didn't even bother to come up with a catchy alliteration-using name for it (Gangplank Galleon, Crocodile Cacophony, Big Boss Blues, King K. Rool Battle?) That really sucks since I'd be willing to say that it's actually as good as any of them. Or at the very least it's better than Big Boss Blues, I'd rather listen to horns than just mechanical droning.

The Magus Battle music reminds us once again why Chrono Trigger is better than most Final Fantasies. First off let me just point out that Magus is one of the most badass villains in video game history, so much so that I've even got a friend on this site with a name including the guy. This song starts off mysterious and then gets all epic and catchy. It sounds perfect for the final showdown. The best part is that it isn't the final showdown. This is overshadowed by the Lavos battle themes. Yada yada, moving on. (P.S. To whoever made the slideshow video, good job.)

7. Disappeared (Kingdom Hearts II)

Yes, I like Kingdom Hearts. Even though we have two (count 'em two) massive KH fanboys here that annoy pretty much everyone, that still hasn't blocked my way of appreciating the series. So given Square's memorability for epic boss tunes which one lands a spot on this list? Disappeared from KHII. For those of you who haven't played the game (or just don't know the name of the songs) it's that song that plays during the first fight against Xemnas (the one in front of the skyscraper).

Let me just go on record saying that Xemnas is one of my favorite video game villains ever and actually my favorite video game villain without going into the insane clown types. Personally I consider this his "theme" since it just seems to fit him so perfectly. A mysterious, emotionless but still very deadly menace.

Granted the battle itself is pretty damn easy but that point is considered moot next to this masterpiece. It's easy but it sure is long which helps you savor it. It's overshadowed by Darkness of the Unknown although since I like Darkness of the Unknown I guess I can kinda see that which is why it lands at # 7. Moving onto # 6 and here's where they get really awesome people.

6. Final Boss Song (Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom)

As Zero-Two and The Ultimate Show goes to show you, final boss music from underrated games can get Internet-famous if they're epic enough. Which raises the question: why the Hell does nobody mention this? Now let me remind you that this is a Spongebob game we're talking about. Spongebob! That gay little sponge that lives in a pineapple somebody threw into the sea for some strange reason.

Now that we've got that straightened out listen to the song again. If you're anything like me your jaw probably would've dropped. Well mine didn't because actually the whole game itself is actually surprisingly awesome for a licensed title. In fact it's actually an above-average platformer that I'd strongly advise to anyone who enjoys platformers. It's quite great.

So what can I say about this? Just paste it over the Battle of Helm's Deep from the 2nd Lord of the Rings movie and you'll have the same epic effect. (The final boss in this game isn't too shabby of one.) A catchy beat that just screams EPIC WIN! If you ever plan on making a top *insert integer here* boss songs list please consider this.

5. Equinox (James Bond: Nightfire)

Remember my point of how final boss music from underrated games can generally become well-known? Well how the Hell this isn't mentioned is beyond me. Well actually I do know because it's overshadowed by the Antenna Cradle music from Goldeneye (the game) which people have called "the best remix of the Bond theme" and "a perfect representation of the final fight from the movie." Uh-huh?

For those of you who have played Goldeneye and haven't seen the movie let me just give you a fair representation of what was going through my head during the final fight against Trevelyan. "Rareware, you ruined the best movie villain ever!" Seriously in the movie Trevelyan kicked Bond's ass and in the game he ran away like a little girl. Also I didn't like the Antenna Cradle music that much.

This on the other hand is a whole different story. First off let me just say that I think Nightfire is the definitive Bond game. Coming from a huge Bond fan such as myself this means a lot. Also this song kicks ass, especially since the end of the game takes place in space so it sounds even more fitting. For three, the final boss of Nightfire ended like the final boss in a Bond game should've. He sends henchmen after you but instead is secure in his base taunting you. Then at the end he comes out and tries to kill you himself. Nice, nice.

4. Final Boss (Final Fantasy II)

Forget One-Winged Angel, forget Dancing Mad, forget Zeromus, this is EPIC WIN! Granted probably not the best final boss song under the sun but a very catchy song with a very catchy beat nonetheless. While the songs Seymour Omnis (I know it's not technically a final boss song but I detest the rock song that plays against Jecht and Yu Yevon can hardly be considered a final boss so I count it as such) and Neo-Exdeath at least get some credit, this doesn't.

This is especially true since Final Fantasy II itself is very underrated. You know what forget the game, Emperor Palamecia himself is himself a sadly underrated video game villain (I'll be doing a list on that in the near-future). So for the sheer memory of fighting this amazing badass this gets the # 4 spot. (I trick you out of 3 paragraphs again!)

3. Jalhalla (Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker)

Just to give you an idea of how underrated this song is, this is the longest video I could find for this choice. Yeah, nobody on Youtube has actually gone through the trouble of looping it so I can listen to it over as I'm typing this (it typically takes 5-10 minutes per entry of typing). Anyway I looked far and wide all over the LoZ series to find the most underrated song it has and I think Jalhalla takes the cake.

Why? Well just listen to it. It's very catchy and the battle, while easy, was just so fun to do. Unlike Phalanx up there (I confirmed the name) I kept on playing this because it was so amusing watching all those Poes running all over the place and then watching a 10-year-old kid pick up this gigantic pig and throwing him into spikes. Except he doesn't get thrown so much as he somersaults.

Let me tell ya it's pretty amusing and this music just has a very playful beat to it. Especially since the little Poes look like Teletubbies.

2. Grunty's Challenge (Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts)

Putting this song as the runner-up is probably just the Banjo fanboy inside of me talking but nevertheless I have to listen to him every once in a while. First off I really am disappointed with Rareware. Why oh why Rareware did you have sell yourselves to Micro****? (What do you mean that's not the actual name of the company? I just finished typing up an essay for school on Micro**** Word.)

Now while I think Nuts & Bolts is certainly sub-par to the platforming gold, it was an alright game. OK it's mediocre at best but it's not a bad game. So pretty much everyone who's played it after playing the original Banjo games hate it. I personally tolerate it but let me just say that Gruntilda is the game's redeemable quality. Somehow I liked her better when she rhymed. Also say what you want about Nuts & Bolts but now nobody can possibly deny that it has epic music.

That being said this is in the shadow of the final boss song from the original B-K (although that's still better), the Hag 1 and the supposed "final boss song" from this game when in fact that wasn't even in the game (this was the game's final boss song). I like it because it has a great "Grunty's back" vibe that perfectly fits a battle against Gruntilda in this game. Also I personally think it's better than Hag 1. Yeah I just said it, sue me.

1. Way, Way Too Many Boss Songs (Sly Cooper series)

OK the Sly Cooper series needs far more credit as far as boss songs go. Need proof. Such great music the series has produced include Pirate Fight (which I enjoy so much that I've made it the battle theme in my pirate game)

the Jean Bison fight music

Dimitri's greasy-sweet battle music

Flame Fu

and, my personal favorite, A Strange Reunion.

I didn't shrink this one because the slideshow is cool to watch.

OK remember my above point of how final boss songs from underrated games often get credit? Well A Strange Reunion is immensely underrated even though I find it awesome. Seriously. All the other songs are pretty damn cool. Rather than just going paragraph by paragraph, I'll just give my reasons in bullet form.

Pirate Fight: It's very piratey. Seriously one of the most piratey songs I've heard in a game (well that and the Flying Dutchman's Graveyard from Battle for Bikini Bottom). Playing during the fight against LeFwee it's quite a song to listen to. In fact it's so awesome, I made it the de facto battle theme for regular enemies in my pirates game walkthrough.

Jean Bison Battle: This song reminds me of an old-styled gunfight in Northern Canada or the Wild West. Take 10 paces then draw. So awesome. It also emphasizes how awesome Jean Bison is and how improperly Sucker Punch used him. It seems like a straight-up man-to-man fight which is quite ironic given what goes on during the actual fight.

Dimitri Battle: Before Dimitri became an annoying bastard in Sly 3, he was a jive-talking cool, hip iguana. Hence why I put the term "greasy-sweet" in the mentioning of the video, because that's probably everyone's who played the game favorite part is. Sly: "I have no idea what you're talking about. And your suit sucks!" Dimitri: "Let's dance!" *when you die* "My suit is greasy-sweet!"

Flame Fu: As one clever Youtube commenter oh-so-cleverly pointed out, there's the real kung fu panda. Seriously does anyone else find it a bit uncanny how Sly Cooper came up with a kung fu-using panda boss 5 years before Dreamworks used that as their movie concept? Meh. About the song, it's very intense and spot-on for the fight. I especially love it when the horns come in after the opening.

A Strange Reunion: Just to let you know skip to 0:55 since that's when the song truly starts. Overall what can I say? This is still a pleasure to the ears and just begs for the title epic win. It probably would my seal of epic awesomeness if I had one (only if). The digital opera and digital harp truly set this song straight. Also the part where the opera shouts out at 1:34 is just awesome beyond words. Especially when Clockwerk does a nose-dive into the lava as the opera yells out and then rises up again as the harp picks up. I cannot tell you how stunned I was by the epicness of that scene. It was awesome.

Now before anyone complains that I technically had a tie for # 1 I'm just saying I don't care since I'm trying to point out the series deserves more musical credit. If you want to fight with me about come over to my house and we'll fight about it there. I live at the corner of **** Off Street and This Is My List Avenue. Thank you and good night!

Top 10 Movie Theme Songs

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 18:02:09 -0500
Now in movies there's nothing better than a theme song to perfectly encompass the mood of the film. Overall it was hard to narrow it down to just ten but I managed. Now just to let you know: THIS IS MY OPINION! If you don't like it, deal. Anyway, moving onto the list.

Honorable Mentions: Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Jaws, Terminator

10. The Dark Knight

While most people who make these lists (which is a surprisingly few number believe it or not) would probably pick the theme song from the original Batman movie, I never really liked that one. I really don't know why. But this... wow. It's awesomeness is exceeded only by the fact that it's in a movie bearing the name The Dark Knight (one of the greatest action films this decade).

Just listen to it. It sounds like a fast-paced war and has a lot of adrenaline pumping behind it. This fits with the film overall where you'll be hard-pressed to find 10 minutes of people just sitting around talking. This is a great song to go with the film. If I ever get into a gunfight (probably won't) I'd probably be humming this in my head.

9. Die Hard With A Vengeance

I'm going to come forth with a confession here, Die Hard With A Vengeance is the only Die Hard film I've seen (which is probably why Simon Gruber appeared on my top 100 villains list and not Hans). But still this whole song sounds like an awesome marching sound. The part where Simon puts on sunglasses and robs Wall Street as this music plays is just one of the coolest scenes I've seen in a movie.

Overall this sounds like a gear-up for war. You ever see one of those things where the troops all grab their guns in a montage and then march out onto the battlefield? This is the song that perfectly goes along with that kind of scene. As a little history lesson this is actually a song called "Ants Go Marching" and was in fact used as a war song that the drummer boys would play.

8. Halloween

Whoops, wrong one.

'Ere we go.

My mom once told me that she's scared of horror films and that when this movie came out she went to see this with my dad on Halloween on a date and she spent the entire movie cowering next to him (take the hint guys: that's the perfect way to get romantic). Granted watching Halloween now isn't that scary but I guess it must be a change of the times.

This is overall a very chilling yet catchy song. It's just the same piano song looped endlessly. Yet despite that I find myself humming it every now and then. It's just duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. So classic. IMFAO it's the perfect song for a horror movie, just barely outing Jaws' theme song for that title. It has a sense of being watched and stalked by an insane killer.

7. Back to the Future

What do you mean this isn't the right song? Fine, I'll change it back.

Happy now?

So what can I say about Back to the Future? We've all seen that movie. It's a classic movie about a boy who is friends with an old guy (somehow no one find this "funny") and ends up going through time because said old guy made a time machine because he's a deranged mad man. Come to think of it Doc has many problems: he married a woman less than half his age, he put the entire space-time continuum at risk on more than one occasion and he hangs out with a teenage boy.

Anyway about the song. When it came down to picking a song for this list that has the beat of an awesome adventure that we all should have it came down to this, Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Out of all of them, I think that Back to the Future takes the cake. It really has a good sound of time travel. I played it on the radio when I tried it out at a local shopping mall heading at 88 mph towards the side of the mall with the fuel depot. (Fun fact: everyone in 1955 was on fire. I never knew that.)

6. Commando

This song is well noted for having the extreme use of steel drums (according to Wikipedia). Now if you saw Commando, the part that might be the most memorable was the scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger's character puts on a bunch of weapons on the beach going from half-naked to God mode (go fishing through my blog, you can find the video in there somewhere). As that happens this song plays and let me tell you, that's one of the greatest scenes in movie history.

Overall I would judge this as the song of the 80s. It has a great beat and probably encompasses all the disco music back then (the disco craze ended in the '89 I think). I would just love to be doing disco to the tune of this. Or watch Arnie beat a guy to death using Disco Stu from The Simpsons as a bludgeoning weapon. Oh and that part at the beginning of the film when Matrix (Schwarzenegger's character) comes out of the forest with a chainsaw in one hand and a tree in the other? Epic.

5. Ghostbusters

I've got a question for you dear readers: If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? If there's an invisible man sleeping in your bed who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS! Man I'm practically ashamed of myself for putting this at # 5, it's a great song that actually is accepted in pop culture as a legitimate song. It plays on radio stations and my dad has it on his iPod.

Oh and if you haven't seen Ghostbusters, boy did you miss out. It's pretty much to comedy what James Bond is to action: it completely perfected all the formulas to make a good film like that. Seriously it's a great comedy and some of Bill Murray's best work. Oh and speaking of that comparison...

4. several James Bond songs

When I say several James Bond songs I mean the classic theme song

Goldfinger

Thunderball

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (even though the rest of the film sucked)

Live And Let Die

A View To A Kill

The Living Daylights

Tomorrow Never Dies

The World Is Not Enough

and You Know My Name (from Casino Royale).

Now any long-time members of ScrewAttack will know that I'm a huge Bond fan which is probably why I just made a list inside of a list of good Bond songs. But anyway let me just say that if you're one of the people reading this blog who hasn't seen a Bond film get into your car, drive to the local video store and rent a Bond film. Right now. Steal your parent's car if you're underage and drive in the left lane if traffic's slow. Don't worry about any problems with the law, the cops will understand. They've seen a Bond movie.

So with that out of the way which song is best suited for this list. Which one, which one? Hmmm... the theme song is a classic as if Goldfinger and Thunderball. On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Tomorrow Never Dies and The World Is Not Enough have great beats. Live And Let Die is made by ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and A View To A Kill is made by Duran Duran with the Living Daylights made by A-Ha. You Know My Name also shows Bond's true colors in an awesome song. Hmmm... you know what? It's too hard for me to pick, you decide which one deserves the # 4 spot, I just can't choose. (This is why it's # 4, I'm almost cheating to get it on here.)

3. Beverly Hills Cop

Remember how I said earlier that Commando's theme song probably best represented the 80s? Well I lied, the Beverly Hills Cop theme song clearly takes the cake. Listen to it. It's techno without sucking somehow (I'm looking at you Eiffel 65). Now if you haven't seen Beverly Hills Cop well you deserve to die for passing up the chance to see such masterpieces like Commando, Back to the Future, James Bond, Ghostbusters and Beverly Hills Cop.

The whole film is a cross between action and comedy. Overall a very catchy beat guranteeing it a spot on this list. Damn I wish I could time-travel back to the 80s, which I heard was quite possibly the best decade to grow up in. Life was simple back then, there were no major wars (ok, maybe Persian-Gulf) and life was simple. *sigh*

2. The Rock

OK now if you haven't seen The Rock then I really, truly pity you (don't worry, this time it's not worth committing suicide). Let me just say that it's tied with The Godfather for the greatest film I've ever seen (there's a difference between favorite and greatest folks). It has a deep story, great action sequences and is a great masterpiece of a movie despite being directed by Michael Bay and starring Nicolas Cage (surprising I know).

Anyway this song is INTENSE! Now the maker of this video took real-life soldiers since that's kinda what this film is about. Anyway it starts off really sad for the sad part of the film because the main villain just wants dead soldiers to get the credit they deserve. Then it gets intense around the 3-minute mark. Watching this film is a great experience and this theme song brings it home. But what could possibly be so awesome that it pushed this masterpiece down to the runner-up?

1. Conan the Barbarian

Skip to 2:10

This.

Remember those old Ocarina of Time commercials featuring that opera song? That was this theme song. If in order to properly encompass something as epic as Ocarina of Time in a commercial the needed this theme song, that really says something. Now it starts off nice and soothing and then at the 2:10 mark it comes down to awesomeness.

Every instrument that is needed to make something epic: opera, horns and violins, are used here. Basil Poledouris plays a symphony of epicness that remains one of the most awesome things I've heard in my life. I mean it just has to be listened to, to be heard. While the movie was an ok movie (I've seen better but it was decent), the soundtrack really made it come to life. That and the quotability of it.

R.I.P. Basil Poledouris. Let's hope that Crom and the other Gods are enjoying his music in Valhalla now. If not then to Hell with them.

The Rise of the King of Pirates: Part 14

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:51:10 -0500
Part 14 folks. Is this the grand finale or the penultimate chapter? In case you missed anything (you probably didn't). Look here:

Part 1: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-1-Special-Edition-Im-Back-Baby
Part 2: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-2
Part 3: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-3
Part 4: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-4-This-Is-My-Half-Year-Anniversary-So-Read-The-Blog-Dammit
Part 5: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-RIse-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-5
Part 6: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-6
Part 7: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-7
Part 8: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-8
Part 9: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-9
Part 10: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-10
Part 11: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-11
Part 12: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-12
Part 13: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-13

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So back in Tortuga you have to prepare for the final battle. Before doing anything get enough money to completely max out all your weapons, including pipe bombs and pistols. If you haven't done the rum brigade do so now to get the 30 bombs and 30 pistols. Then weigh how many crewmembers you have of each and buy enough for 15 coxswain, 10 fighters and 5 fighters with arm cannons.

After you do all this hop onto your ship and sail around to the back of the island of Tortuga where the large cave is. Sail on in to head into the final level. Upon entry the cook takes notice, "Sir! There's 10 Navy ships in here. They outnumber us ten-to-one!" As Prince notices this DeDarrow is standing on his ship telling his ships, "Destroy him. I need enough time to row to my destiny." He then taps Clemens saying, "You're coming with me big guy," as they hop into a life boat. A small of fleet of life boats (obviously carrying more troops) leave the Domination and its surrounding ships.

Several cannonballs go flying past the Invincible as wind blows in their face symbolizing an oncoming battle. Prince just stands at the side rail in a daze as if accepting his fate and realizing they're doomed. McInnis runs over saying, "Captain Prince! We need you at the helm!" Prince slowly turns with an apparently pessimistic look on his face before it lifts and he says, "Aye! That be true!" before grabbing the steering wheel and sailing into the 10 ships in the Inner Sanctum.

Level # 10: The Caverns of LaViggio's Inner Sanctum

OK so as you can tell this is the "boss fight" of the ship battles, since it's harder than all other ones up to this point. Primarily because you're taking on 10 ships. You want to have maxed out on coxswain so you can move fast. You don't really need any cannoneers (the spare fighters and McInnis operate the cannons for storyboard purposes) since if you did the rum brigade your cannons would've been powered up.

The biggest trick to winning this is to not get surrounded. This might seem pretty obvious but with 10 guys around you in an enclosed area it can get pretty hard. The easiest way to avoid getting surrounded is to skim the walls of the caverns. Assuming you maxed out your cannons it should take about 3 cannonballs to sink a ship.

When you destroy the first 7 the last 3 will stay there. When you destroy the mast on the last one 20 redcoats, 20 bluecoats and 20 blackcoats will hop on board. Obviously you're outnumbered 2-to-1 so you need to stay on your toes to win against the swarm of enemies. Remember that the only one you lose is if you or McInnis dies so don't concentrate on saving every crewmember.

The guys you should ideally protect are the people with the arm cannons since they're the ones who can decimate opposing forces the best. Be sure to keep track of the others as well. Assuming you do everything right eventually the ships shall fall and you'll earn a lot of loot. After the fight's done Prince disembarks on the land next to the part where DeDarrow entered.

Prince calls back up to the ship, "Leave men!" McInnis however also disembarks saying, "I shall come with you ol' chap. After all I lost my freedom to you so I'm obligated." Prince states, "Not anymore. You are now a free man McInnis. You may now leave." McInnis replies, "Very well then. I freely choose to stay." The ship then leaves without either of them.

Prince asks, "Why do you insist on staying?" McInnis states, "Well I heard of that Tablet." "What?" "Yeah. Don't worry I don't intend on stealing it. But it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see something that mighty fine and dandy. Do you think I'm going to let up that chance? Hell no!" Prince asks, "How did you find out?" McInnis explains, "O'Rourke told me on the way to Boston. I asked him of what secrets you might be carrying. And he told me as well as offering me to join him."

Prince sighs, "O'Rourke. That guy's a bastard from beyond the grave." "Indeed," says Lieutenant Clemens who appears nearby. Prince greets him, "Clemens! How nice to see you. Are you going to kill us?" Clemens shakes his head, "Remember? My loyalty rests with you. Now legally I'm supposed to stab and kill any pirates that try to enter."

He turns around continuing, "But I don't seem to see any." Prince looks at the door that leads to the Tablet of LaViggio which has a brass lock on it and Prince sighs, "Great. DeDarrow locked us out." Clemens (still facing away from them) then holds out a pair of keys saying, "Oh look. DeDarrow's set of keys for the door." He then drops them continuing, "Oops. I seem to have misplaced them," with a grin on his face.

Prince picks them up and opens the door. In the next room a large open stone room is the setting. At the center of the room is a large spiral with a set of stairs leading up to it. At the top of the spiral is a golden tablet. Shortly after Prince and McInnis enters DeDarrow appears out of the shadows with his arm cannon yelling, "Surprise!" before swinging his arm cannon into McInnis' cheek causing him to fall onto the ground. Prince checks his pulse and breaths a sigh of relief saying, "He's only knocked unconscious."

The pirate turns to the bitter admiral unsheathing his cutlass, "Your eye was just my appetizer DeDarrow. The rest of your body comes home with me tonight." DeDarrow grins, "I think not," before snapping his fingers and a huge platoon of British troops appear. DeDarrow yells out, "Gentlemen, Prince is mine! Anyone who kills him will get the death sentence. Whoever wounds him enough for me to deliver the killing blow however will receive a large reward."

DeDarrow says to Prince, "Remember, Princey. If you die, all piracy dies with you." Prince takes out his sword while DeDarrow takes out his own and the troops all run forward, symbolizing the final showdown between the two bitter old enemies.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Level # 10 Boss Fight: Admiral James DeDarrow

Difficulty: ****

This one is a bit of a doozy since the only enemies that DeDarrow brought with him were blackcoats (in hindsight this seems like a good idea though). DeDarrow himself only hops into the fray every now and then and he can do much damage with his arm cannon which he uses in conjunction with his sword. Whatever you do don't get shot by the arm cannon. It'll take off most of your health and leave you open to attacks.

The strategy is really an endurance round. Attack all the troops until DeDarrow hops in the fray and then concentrate your attacks on him whilst not forgetting about the blackcoats. DeDarrow has a lot of health and after each onslaught on him more and more blackcoats will attack you simultaneously. This makes it harder and harder to survive.

Overall this boss fight doesn't take much brains but it takes a lot of endurance. If you have any pipe bombs or pistols use them. DeDarrow dodges most of them but it'll be helpful against the troops. After maybe a few tries DeDarrow will fall and you'll trigger the after-boss fight cut-scene.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

After the fight Prince throws several pipe bombs at the troops killing them all except DeDarrow. He quickly tackles DeDarrow who tosses him off. DeDarrow throws his arm cannon at Prince's head which sends Prince rolling down a short hill and landing on the floor banging his head. A short sad song plays since Prince apparently died and DeDarrow goes down smiling for the kill.

Prince however suddenly springs to life and kicks DeDarrow in the stomach and does a backwards somersault. As DeDarrow comes forward raising his sword Prince kneels up with the arm cannon with a fuse on it aimed straight at DeDarrow's head. DeDarrow stares at the fuse for a few seconds (we get a dramatic camera pan between Prince, DeDarrow, the fuse etc.)

The camera then switches behind DeDarrow as a loud is heard. DeDarrow's lifeless body then falls down before we can see the bloody geyser that remains of his head. Prince fishes through his corpse before grabbing the bag full of the Gems. Prince looks at them and at the Tablet saying, "It's all finally mine..." He goes to the bottom of the stairs preparing to ascend.

Suddenly a gunshot is heard and Prince is shot in the shin causing him to sprawl on the ground. He turns around to the shadowy figure in the doorway yelling, "You! I should've known you were behind this all along!"

=====

Who is the mysterious individual that shot Prince? Is the adventure really over? Will Flashpenny ever stop pulling your leg? Tune in next weekend to find the answers to all these questions next weekend in the thrilling conclusion of The Rise of the King of Pirates!

The Biography of Mario

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 07:49:48 -0500
Now everyone's been wondering this since Mario emerged and took control of the video game market but where did Mario come from? If he's a plumber why does he keep on having to save a princess? Why does he have to keep on going into a place called the Mushroom Kingdom? I've got the answer.

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Mario was born in 1965 to Shigeru Miyamoto and an Italian hooker. While he always wanted to become rich Miyamoto told him to be a plumber whether he liked it or not. To make it up to him Miyamoto bought Mario a pet gorilla named Donkey Kong whom Mario was friends with.

One day Donkey Kong went insane, kidnapped a local prostitute and climbed to the top of a construction site. Mario threw him off the top evading Donkey's thrown fe... urm barrels that materialized from his behind. He tried to get laid with the prostitute but she outright refused to have sex with Mario's mildly obese and sweaty ass (hey, even prostitutes have standards).

Mario later on, with his brother Luigi, became full-fledged plumbers and got a job. However he must've pissed someone off or something since he got the basement level cleaning up lobsters and turtles. One day at a bar Mario got to knew local mob boss Don Antonio, who is a drug lord with a vice grip on the trade of 'shrooms.

Mario also met Antonio's daughter Peach in this process. The next day after work Mario met with his cousin Bowser who just got fired from his job at Denny's and asked Mario if he could find him some work. At that point Mario's first-grade educated mind came up with a "brilliant" idea. Mario recalled how Antonio said he would be 200 grand to the savior of whoever saved his daughter if she was kidnapped.

Bowser would dress up in a dragon suit and kidnap Peach on a yearly basis and Mario and Luigi would save her. Bowser would get a cut of the profits at 80 grand as would Luigi. Mario would take the remaining 40 grand and also knew that in exchange for saving her, he would get laid by Peach. It's been over 20 years since that deal was made, Mario is in his 50s and he's still a virgin.

That's not to say the pattern repeated itself endlessly, Mario had other problems to deal with. Like his douchebag cousin Wario who tried to convince everyone that he should be the one to be best buddies with Don Antonio and that Mario was a pedophile. The people however ignored this knowing that Peach was 18, had reached the age of consent and thus it was perfectly alright for Mario's sweaty forty-something ass to be going down on her.

Mario also has been forced to take care of a mentally retarded dinosaur thing named Yoshi who is only capable of slow motor movements and can only say his name but has changed color frequently for some strange reason. Mario also has to frequently deal with Peach's bodyguard from tipping off Antonio about the plot but since Mario knows that he's a closet homosexual, Toad stays quiet.

That's not to say Mario had to enlist his cousin's help for certain things too to stay on Antonio's good side. There was that one time when an upper-class narcotics officer tried to shut down the 'shroom trade that kept Mario so happy. However he eventually gave up when he accidentally got stoned and thus began chasing after colorful butterflies.

"Chase the butterfly bra! Uh, this meth is turning my brain to ****..."

Although Mario and co. then had to deal with the prospect of the narc's bodyguard who is also a drug lord who intended to flood the market with cocaine making 'shrooms obsolete. After during the final boss you see white squares flying out of the mouths and there's really no other way you can see this kind of thing.

Seriously, that whole game is like one big bad acid trip.

Not to mention that time Mario also had to enlist Bowser's aid to take down a rival 'shroom lord who intended on monopolizing the market putting Antonio out of business who's also a frequent user of his own product. You can tell he's a frequent user of his 'shrooms just by looking at his eyes and his broken speech patterns.

"This platform can, like, totally read my mind dude."

Bowser also has several sons and daughters. Their mother has never been known although it's presumed that she committed suicide upon realizing that she married such a loser and birthed such loser kids. Notably the local lunch lady with 5 extra chins, a hairlip and a mole covering her right eye committed suicide not too long ago. This might be the reason why Bowser insists his kids keep their dragon costumes on.

Due to Mario's frequent "rescuings" of Peach, Antonio has helped Mario get the job qualifications for other jobs. For example he helped Mario get an M.D. and become a doctor under the sole basis that he watched House once a week. He also helped Mario start his own psychotic game board game as well as rented out a few go karts and random racetracks for Mario to race on. Granted most of them are really just dirt roads but thanks to the frequent supply of 'shrooms Mario has raced on Rainbow Road like 500 times already.

That's not to say Mario and Bowser's "fights" are limited just to Don Antonio's drug empire. They've also "duked it out" at a castle that Antonio took over the other day, a nice island paradise and in space after Antonio hijacked NASA with Bowser joining of course.

Mario's thinking of returning to space next summer for some strange reason. Many people believe that it's primarily to see if he can get some poontang with the weird star lady Rosalina but only time will tell. After all if he can't get laid with the daughter of a Mafia drug lord, what hope does he have with star-powered demi-god?

Flashpenny's Dammit-I-Can't-Think-Of-An-Original-Title Interviews # 23: Young-Yet-Retro

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 09:17:02 -0500
The title says it all folks.

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Flash: What's your favorite video game?

YYR: So far, my favorite video game would have to be Tales of Symphonia. I realize that there are other games in the series that most people consider better, but this was one of my introduction to the series and has not yet been beaten. The battles, music, and especially the story brings this entire game together into a perfect package. Other favorites include Mega Man 1-9 (yes, even eight), Super Mario Sunshine, and Cave Story (best freeware game ever!).

Flash: Favorite video game hero?

YYR: Looking at my sig, I bet you can guess who it is. If someone does not recognize him, he is the protaganist of Cave Story. While he is a silent protaganist, it does not stop him from being absolutely cute, yet deadly. Can you fly up in the air by shooting a machine gun down? Can you defeat monsters hundreds times bigger than you? And, finally, can you literally descend to Hell in hopes of stopping a crashing island while fighting hundreds upon hundreds of angels?

Flash: Favorite video game villain?

YYR: Although I have yet to fight him, Fawful is one of my favorite villians just due to how insane he is. That is a feat considering all the villians in past Mario RPG's. Who doesn't love his qoute "I am having much fury!"? A close runner-up is Marx Soul from Kirby Super Star Ultra. He is one of the few parts of the game that is a challange, and his final scream always sends shivers down my spine *shudder*.

Flash: Did Super Paper Mario qualify as an RPG because Dimentio is a thousand times more psychotic than Fawful.

Anyhoo favorite final boss?

YYR: Well, I have yet to play Super Paper Mario, so yeah.

For a final boss, I have to go with Cortex from most Crash games. They usually end up being goofy and epic at the same time; also, I love Crash.

Flash: Favorite regular boss?

YYR: I'd say that it is a tie between Eggman and any Pokemon rival. Eggman always has interesting battles (usually) and the rivals can provide epic battles and give a large amount of experience just in time for more battles.

Flash: Favorite video game song?

YYR: That's a tough one. Hmm ... I'll have to just list some of my favorites since I can't decide. "Beat the Angel" from Tales of Symphonia is always nice

"The Decisive Battle" from Final Fantasy VI is blood-pumping

"Enhansa" from Chrono Trigger always soothes the soul

and finally, Mega Man 1 is always overlooked, so I give you the first "Wily Stage Theme" ever

Flash: Favorite boss song?

YYR: "Beat the Angel" is a boss song, but "Masked King Dedede" from Kirby Super Star Ultra is much more fitting of a boss theme.

A special mention to "Manta Storm" from Sunshine for just how odd it sounds.

Flash: Favorite video game quote?

YYR: Tales of Symphonia wins again. By Raine: "People are sinful creatures. Life survives at the cost of another. Then we must continue to bear the burden of our sins for as long as we continue to live." So sad, yet true.

Flash: Favorite death of a video game character?

YYR: Whenever I play a Mario game with two-player, I always choose Luigi and let my brother choose Mario. I laugh everytime I see Mario fall into a pit or get burned by lava; that's what he gets for always overshadowing Luigi.

Flash: Would you like to take the infamous SSB personality quiz?

YYR: Sure, although I doubt you can guess my main. Good luck.

Flash: Do you prefer winning or losing?

YYR: Is both an option? I always like to have a challange. If not, obviously winning.

Flash: Are you effeminate?

YYR: I'll have to say yes. While not completely effeminite, I'm probably more than most idiots at my school.

Flash: Do you want a borderline-useless Final Smash?

YYR: I have to say no (although i don't like Final Smashes in general).

Flash: Your ideal SSB character is Zelda. Was I right?

YYR: Sorry to say, but no. My ideal characters are Marth and Ness. Although, I have tried Zelda, and she is not half bad.

Flash: On that note which character do you want to appear most in the next SSB game?

YYR: Either Mega Man or Bomberman. Mega Man has had so many Nintendo games that he really deserves it; his abilities shouldn't be hard to do with all the powers he has stolen over the years. Bomberman also deserves more recognition; while his moveset would be harder, I think it could work (just imagine a huge bomb as a Final Smash).

Flash: Favorite movie?

YYR: Without a doubt, "Lion King." It is such an amzing movie, and it has the distinct honor of being the only movie that has ever made me cry (don't laugh you commenters).

Flash: I'm not a commenter so can I laugh?

Favorite movie hero?

YYR: No, you can't (although I can't do anything about it; besides, it would be an extremely delayed reaction).

My favorite movie hero would have to be Boo from "To Kill a Mocking Bird." Although I did not like the book, the movie was a different story. Words cannot describe Boo's final scene.

Flash: Favorite movie villain?

YYR: Sid from "Toy Story." Not much to say other than he looks like a demented young boy; how dare he not care for his toys (just a slight hint of sarcasm there).

Flash: Favorite movie climax?

YYR: God, these movie questions are hard since I hardly watch films. The ending to the first "Halloween" seems like the right choice. When these films were actually good, they had intense climaxes that were full of atmosphere, but not over-the-top bloody and crazy.

Flash: Favorite movie theme song?

YYR: It might be a bit cliched, but I have always loved the Star Wars Theme (damn my lack of movie music).

Flash: Favorite movie quote?

YYR: Even though I have not seen the movie, I've always liked the quote by Forrest Gump,"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Flash: Favorite death of a movie character?

YYR: Without a doubt, the death of Mufasa has been the most touching death I have ever seen in a movie. This was so sad, yet one of the most important turning point in the story.

Flash: If you were to put g1s into the roles of characters in *closes eyes and randomly picks Disney Renaissance movie, looks at movie* The Hunchback of Notre Dame who you would put as who?

YYR: Quasimodo would be played by Hybrid as he is the protganist of the g1's. Esmeralda would be played by SuperChunLi89 due to the fact that most of the g1 population is male and they both have a large amount of talents. Frollo would be played by you because both of you are douchebags (take that as a compliment... I guess). Phoebus would be played by Wandering_Swordman because both of them are great at what they do. Hugo, Victor, and Laverne would be played by Phazon_Fiend, TtJM, and Darkseid. They are great contributors while not producing anything absolutely original. Finally, the Archdeacon would be played by Silent_Protaganist because both of them have helped a considerable amount of people in their community. Long enough answer?

Flash: Yay, I'm Frollo! I always knew I had a good bass voice.

Where did you get the idea for your g1 name?

YYR: When I discovered ScrewAttack, I was 14 and naive in the ways of video games. I did not realize that older people actually enjoyed my favorite hobby. When I saw so many older people, I saw myself so young. Yet, I was not interested in modern gaming. I still hold the same belief even though it has been two years.

Flash: If your name implies that you're a retro gamer doesn't it seem fairly contradictory that your favorite game is Tales of Symphonia which came out in the GameCube era?

YYR: Well... because... shut up! There are some exceptions, besides, Gamecube games are cheap now. It's more economical to buy TOS for $15 than Earthbound for $60. Also, I have yet to play Tales of Phantasia, a game for the Super Famicon. From what I have seen, it could possibly be the game to finally beat TOS.

Flash: What about Majora's Mask?

YYR: I've been looking at the game for a while now. One of these days I'll break down and finally download it. We shall wait and see.

Flash: It's a great game, I'd suggest it.

Where do you get the idea for your blogs?

YYR: Well, I've only made like seven blogs (need more comments *wink*), but I usually pull them out of thin air. I usually excersise for about two hours of day. I find that most of my better ideas come while I'm exhausted.

Flash: What do you do while waiting for me to reply?

YYR: I eat my left over dinner, watch Metal Gear Ben, read some blogs, and study for my History test. As you can see, I'm pretty good at multi-tasking.

Flash: Well that's it for the interview. I hope you had fun.

YYR: It was fun. Also, peole should comment more on blogs. Noteworthy bloggers that don't recieve enough comments are TtJM, Imaster, and Ghost King. Show your support g1's.

Flash: And... *ahem*

YYR: And me? Okay, Flashpenny deserves more comments, too (he's definately not holding me at gun point in order for me to say this).

Flash: No he is not. *hides Uzi behind back*

The Rise of the King of Pirates: Part 13

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:40:40 -0500
Part 13. This is the first part of the game's climatic finale.

*insert some variation of the term "in case you missed the previous entries click on the links" here*

Part 1: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-1-Special-Edition-Im-Back-Baby
Part 2: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-2
Part 3: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-3
Part 4: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-4-This-Is-My-Half-Year-Anniversary-So-Read-The-Blog-Dammit
Part 5: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-RIse-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-5
Part 6: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-6
Part 7: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-7
Part 8: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-8
Part 9: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-9
Part 10: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-10
Part 11: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-11
Part 12: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-12

===

After that bit where O'Rourke hops on the dock the scene switches back to DeDarrow and Clemens. Clemens asks his superior, "What do you suppose these pirates do for fun?" DeDarrow replies, "Some sort of heathen behavior. Maybe a song or something."

As if right on cue the scene switches inside the bar where Prince and co. are getting drunk and singing the below song.

After the first verse the song dies down a bit and we see O'Rourke enter the bar visually scanning for Prince. Prince meanwhile is drowning out all his sorrows. After the second verse of singing he reaches for his bag containing the Gems of LaViggio only to find it's gone.

He quickly pads himself all over to which McInnis asks, "Did you lose something sir?" Prince worriedly asks, "Did you see anyone with a bag or anything?" "Sure," replies McInnis. "O'Rourke came in and came out with a bag. He also had a little grey slip of paper." "He had the map too?!" yells Prince before running outside.

On the ground he sees the map has shown the way to the final resting place of the Tablet of LaViggio. On the back a note is scribbled saying:

"Thanks for the stuff. I never could've made it this far without you buddy. Signed, O'Rourke. Adios Prince!"

Prince yells out in frustration before noticing that the map points to a big a cave at the back of the island. Prince faces the cave while taking out a cutlass saying out loud, "Well O'Rourke and DeDarrow, here I come."

Before leaving for the final level I'd advise stocking up on supplies. If you completed the rum brigade you can carry a maximum of 30 pistols and pipe bombs (Tahm doesn't mention it though). If you didn't you can max it out to 20 of each. Either way stock up and then prepare for the final level when you're prepared enter the cave.

The next cut-scene shows that upon entry to the cave Prince sees O'Rourke dangling from a hangman's noose. Prince inquires, "What the Hell happened to you?" O'Rourke replies, "Judging by the fact that most people in Tortuga were friendly to me DeDarrow deduced that I was a pirate. Thus he left me here for dead in order to stay alive long enough to talk to you. So can you let me down please?"

Prince however revels in the moment stating, "Why ruin the moment? What exactly is DeDarrow planning on doing?" O'Rourke states, "He got the Gems Prince. And he's going to use the Tablet. If that happens bad things will happen. What do you say we fight side by side to take him down, like good friends?" Prince replies, "In the past week-and-a-half you tipped off a bitter British admiral about my presence twice, had me beaten by a couple of thugs and put a hit on me. That doesn't sound like good friend material if you ask me."

O'Rourke pleads, "OK but then get me down from here!" Prince looks at how he's hanging from a noose and asks, "You know, now that I think about it how are you still alive?" "DeDarrow set my noose next to a clock so that when a certain time runs out I'll be sent dropping down to my death. Stop him! Save me!" After O'Rourke says this however the clock strikes the rope causing it to fall before the rope at the floor gets tangled around a rock.

O'Rourke is then sent plummeting downward before suddenly dropping and dangling motionlessly. Prince walks past him remarking, "Adios O'Rourke." He then turns to the cave while taking out his cutlass, "DeDarrow, LaViggio and whoever your bloody final guardian is here I come! Whatever you have to throw, I'll take!"

Level # 9: The Caverns of LaViggio

As the creepy opera song that I'm pretty sure only Ultamite-Ninja and Moocartoons will be able to recognize symbolizes, this is the game's final level. Walk forward a little and you'll emerge in the level's main hub which is a huge stockpile of treasure. Prince remarks, "I always wondered where the powder monkey hid all that loot. Well now I know."

Move forward and an orange portal will appear in the center of the room. There is no moving around so get into it and it will transport you into a forest-like setting which tells you the overall structure. Basically you have to go through some variation of every level up to this point in the game solving certain puzzles. For example first you go through a forest-like room and have to kill the various enemies. The ghostly head of the Minotaur roars at the screen before the green (forest) portal to the next room opens.

Enter the portal and you'll emerge in a huge platform surrounded by lava. You have to walk around to shut off the lavafall (although the route is much shorter this time around). The Dragon's ghost symbolizes the opening of the red (fire) portal. You continue into the prison opening all the cells (although no prisoners this time 'round) and the Kraken will roar in your face as you head onwards into the dark blue (water) portal.

In the ice room you have to navigate underwater through various areas although it's actually kinda easy. The Yeti yells at the screen and you go into the white (ice) portal which leads to Boston which is frozen in time. This is probably the easiest one since everyone around is frozen in time. Just walk up to DeDarrow's mansion and Westwood's ghost will appear opening a brown (wood portal).

At this point Prince says, "Wait a minute, Commodore Westwood was a Guardian? As soon as I get to the end of this place, I'm going to ask whoever's in charge what's going on." Next room you have to jump across various shipwrecks over water. Remember in this area going into the water=instant death. After causing a ship's mast to structurally collapse to the next part the Flying Dutchman appears and says, "Arrgh!" before a yellow (electric) portal appears.

Head in there into the Caves. Remember how annoying this area was? Well you get to do it all over again. This time there's on straight route but then you have to find the correct pattern to continue onwards. Once you figure out the correct pattern the Hydra roars causing the grey (stone) portal to conjure. Enter it into the final room.

Georgestown is just as easy as Boston. You really just have to walk from Point A to Point B which is frozen in time. When you get to the edge of the island the ethereal Colossus will momentarily appear before causing the final black (gold (I ran out of colors)) portal to appear. When this occurs you appear back in the treasure room. The door to the next area awaits.

Before you head in stock up on supplies which you can do with a little exploration in this room. Trust me you want to do this, the next battle is a doozy. So take a breath and enter the next room.

In here DeDarrow appears alone at the edge of a cliffside. He remarks to Prince, "Both your and mine efforts have been for naught. Because the entrance to the Inner Sanctum which containts the Tablet is over there." He points across a huge channel of water to the otherside (this is all still inside a cave). Prince merely states, "I think a good ship can sail in there." DeDarrow realizes this and tries to flee but Prince unsheathes his cutlass and points it at DeDarrow's neck stating, "I do believe we have some unfinished business to attend to."

DeDarrow seethes, "Listen here Prince! You took my eye. If anything the one who should be looking for revenge is me!" Prince argues, "Oh? How about the fact that you tried to kill me because I was a pirate. What was I supposed to do, kneel down and let you run me through?" "Enough of this senseless argument!" yells out a large booming voice. The mutual enemies look up to see an ethereal fog descend in front of them.

The booming voice says, "I am known as the Great Guardian. I am the chief of the Guardians of LaViggio and her most trusted bodyguard. If you wish to take her Tablet, you will have to slay me." Prince interrupts, "Hang on sparkly, was Commodore Westwood really a Guardian?" The Great Guardian replies in his booming voice, "Indeed. Since you fought him to get the Gem, he has been ushered into our ranks."

Prince then asks, "Second question: is that how you really talk?" "Yes!" states the Great Guardian. "You will now fight all your memories, doubled their power. I shall make you feel the fight of your life!" The Great Guardian's fog then charges straight into Prince's chest making him go into a ghostly haze that causes him to levitate. The camera zooms in on Prince's eye before we see a foggy area where the Great Guardian's voice yells out, "Fight!" before a flurry of leaves engulfs the screen setting the stage for the first part of the battle.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Level # 9 Boss: The Great Guardian

Difficulty: ****

Now similar to how this level was a remake of all previous levels, this boss is a remake of all previous bosses. Yes I'm going with that "fight all the bosses in the game before the final boss" cliche. Basically you're first up against the Minotaur. Like the Great Guardian said they have double the health and attack power so this guy is harder than before. But that's not saying much. It shouldn't take too much to beat him, you just have to stab his legs and then his head like before.

After the Minotaur is defeated fire engulfs the screen switching it deep inside the volcano where you fought the Dragon. The big reptilian bastard appears with all the same destructive attacks as before. Like before hop on top of his snout and attack his eyeballs. Not too easy. After dealing the final blow water fills up the screen and then empties out where you find yourself in the keep of the prison fortress where you fought the Kraken.

Now since the Kraken died because you tricked him into destroying the keep's support beams. So now there's 20. Oh and be sure not to get caught by that "drop into the mouth" attack because if you die you have to go straight back to the beginning of the whole multi-stage battle (because I'm a bastard like that). After the Kraken is crushed the screen freezes up with ice which thaws revealing yourself inside the ice caves.

The Yeti is defeated like the last time. Lure him onto a platform and attack his horn and jump the Hell off when he's threatening to throw you onto the walls. The horn takes a little more to destroy than last time but it shouldn't be any major trouble. All in all this shouldn't be too different than last time. A huge coat of bark then envelops the screen before being turned into sawdust and blown away by wind.

You then have to fight Commodore Westwood once more on the HMS Invincible. Out of all the re-fights this is perhaps the easiest since Westwood has the same basic attack pattern as a black coat just with more health. Since you've fought like a thousand of those guys by now, it shouldn't be too tricky. After you beat him a thick layer of fog layers the screen before being dispelled by a bolt of lightning.

As if you didn't guess already you got transported onto the ruined ship in a fight against the Flying Dutchman. Just as a word of warning: when you think you're about to get zapped by lightning move ASAP since it'll take off most of your health except a little bit. Remember you don't want to get killed since you have to restart the whole fight again if you do. Just have the guy destroy his ship like before. Then a thick layer of stone appears before cracking apart.

Now you get to fight (surprise, surprise) the Hydra. Assuming you're not moronic enough to actually decapitate it and just head straight for the eyes, this fight's a piece of cake. Kill it and then a layer of solid gold appears on the screen before leaving the screen. And so you're up against the final phase which is (suprise, freakin' surprise) the Colossus. This time it takes two pipe bombs to bring him down. Aside from that nothing much, just be sure not to get hit by his club-sword. After beating him you'll have defeated the final Guardian.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

After that fight the camera zooms back out of Prince's mind with the fog standing before him. It says, "Congratulations..." faintly before disappearing and dissipating. Prince looks around him and yells out, "DeDarrow? Crap, that bastard must've snuck out of here." He then runs out of the cliffside and you appear back in Tortuga ready to prepare for the final battle and the final assault on the Caverns of LaViggio.

The Rise of the King of Pirates: Part 12

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 11:37:28 -0500
Here's part 12 of my awesome walkthrough. This will be covering the game's chief side-quest. For those of you who missed the previous parts:

Part 1: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-1-Special-Edition-Im-Back-Baby
Part 2: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-2
Part 3: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-3
Part 4: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-4-This-Is-My-Half-Year-Anniversary-So-Read-The-Blog-Dammit
Part 5: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-RIse-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-5
Part 6: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-6
Part 7: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-7
Part 8: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-8
Part 9: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-9
Part 10: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-10
Part 11: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-11

===

(Note: this cut-scene occurs after you that dream sequence with LaViggio.) O'Rourke re-enters the bar where he paid off Captain Morgan to kill Prince. O'Rourke confronts Morgan asking, "So have you made up your mind?" Morgan pauses before saying in his Indian accent, "Give me the second dimebag." O'Rourke tosses it as Morgan pockets it.

Morgan then stands up and says to a nearby man, "Get my ships ready." O'Rourke inquires, "Ships?" Morgan smiles, "You don't think I became a well-renouned hit man for hire just because I'm on even footing with other men do you? No, I have many ships, all ready to gang up." Morgan leaves as O'Rourke smiles insidiously.

---

Now every great game (or every great game I've played) has a chief side-quest that's incredibly rewarding and this one shall be no different. Now for the general side-quests in this game they generally revolve around robbing someone or finding a way to ruin their lives, as a bit of a spin on the typical helping people. This game's chief side-quest is the rum brigade which is really just smuggling rum.

You can do this any time after you enter Boston. So head back up to Boston and look for the first guy you talk to. You can tell who he is because he's the only guy in the entire town who's bald. When you approach him he'll start the convesation.

"Hey mate," says the man. "Thanks for busting me out of that ol' prison fortress earlier." Prince replies, "You were one of the inmates? Well you're welcome." "I'm known as Tahm," says Tahm. "If you don't mind, I need to get my main export all the way to Georgestown." "What's your main export?" asks Prince. "Rum. You get a share of the supply if you agr-" Before Tahm finishes his sentence Prince says, "I'm in."

Now your job is to fight off all British troops who come forth to stop Tahm and his men from rolling the barrels of rum onto your ship. The people do have some health but not a lot and if so much as one dies it's game over. The ideal strategy is to attack a lot of them so they bunch up on you and then throw a pipe bomb at the group to defeat the British troops.

Afterwards you're on the ship and you have to sail to Georgestown (it's the place that's West of Tortuga). Navy ships will begin attacking you but they can be outrun and you'll probably face 1-3 at a time. It doesn't matter really. After a long ship ride you'll eventually arrive at Georgestown giving rum to all (note: if you haven't completed the level yet, you'll automatically do so upon disembarking). Now in order to complete the next part you need to have beaten at least 2 levels of the 3 levels between Boston and the game's climax.

When you're ready to continue head back to Georgestown and talk to Tahm who'll say (as the camera zooms in on him), "Thanks for the ride chap. My contacts in Tortuga still need their rum. If you wouldn't mind..." before pausing as the camera switches over to Prince who's laying beneath a stabbed rum tank and letting the contents spill into his open mouth.

After it's drained Prince gets up and asks, "You were saying?" Tahm just looks in awe and asks, "Did you really just drink that whole barrel of rum without passing out?" McInnis passes by remarking, "You'd be surprised as to the marvels of Prince's human body." Tahm quickly changes the subject saying, "Anyway, I need to get this stuff over to Tortuga but some Brits are still on the island. Do you mind?" Prince smiles, "No, not at all."

OK, this second part is obviously harder than the first because not only will there be more troops but black coats and bluecoats will also be joining in. Luckily Tahm and his henchmen have more health so it levels out. But you also have a further distance to go. Anyway the strategy is different this time around.

Whenever you see a man about to be attacked shoot the troop attacking him. You really want to have stocked up on guns for this objective. After maybe a few tries you'll have succeeded and the rum is on board. Now you have a shorter distance to go to Tortuga but more ships will impede your path. Also the ships will be about 3-5 per battle.

If you want the best course of action just sail around to the other side of Tortuga where there'll be fewer ships and you can dock easier. Once there Tahm will congratulate you: "Thanks for the help mate. Now I'm gettin' you a reward." "More booze?" eagerly asks Prince.

Tahm ignores this remark and tosses Prince a big full of golden dragon statue heads. Prince angrily asks, "What the Hell are these?" Tahm replies, "These are cannon heads. You put them on your cannons and they do more damage to your enemies." Prince says to McInnis, "Put those cannon heads on."

Afterwards a ship passes by with Captain Morgan at the helm yelling out to Prince, "Horace Prince! Come out and fight!" You're then immediately thrusted into battle against Captain Morgan. (The fight against Captain Morgan is a scripted event that occurs as soon as you return to Tortuga after you get the last Gem.)

Whether or not this can be considered a boss is up for you to decide. It's basically an upgraded version of those ship-to-ship battles but I personally don't consider those kind of things bosses so really decide for yourself. Anyway the battle against Captain Morgan is probably going to be pretty tricky, since this is a ship-to-ship battle betwen you and 7 ships.

Yeah 7. This is why you want to have that cannon upgrade because it can sink ships faster. Also you probably would've wanted to have stocked up on coxswain so you can move faster and thus avoid getting shot at better. Destroy all the ships is really what you should do but just do your best to make sure you don't get surrounded.

Inevitably you'll get onto the last ship and you'll get the maximum number of crewmembers you can fight against: 50. Yeah outnumbering your crew by 20 (if you got everyone), you better hope you've got some good fighters. Luckily you do so this shouldn't be too hard.

After you kill all the crewmembers you see a short cut-scene of Prince's crew all taking out their pistols and shooting him simultaneously as his body stumbles overboard from the recoil. Prince asks aloud, "Man I wonder who sent a hit man after me? Meh, no one cares."

After that remark we see the HMS Domination sailing by with DeDarrow on board with a black cape blowing in the wind on his coat. While it seems to be made to protect him from the elements, in reality it's just there to make him look more villainous. O'Rourke says to him, "You get us ashore. Leave the rest to me." DeDarrow replies, "Just don't kill Horace Prince. Once I have a hold of the Tablet of LaViggio, that'll be my job." "Of course," says O'Rourke nonchalantly.

Lieutenant Clemens watches the conversation between the two with an angry look upon his face. He then shrugs it off and formally states to DeDarrow, "We're approaching to Tortuga sir." He adds to O'Rourke, "Don't do anything out of what DeDarrow commanded." O'Rourke smiles before hopping overboard onto the dock.

Top 5 Video Game Cliches That Have To Die

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 10:34:12 -0500
Now in video games there are things known as video game cliches like everything. Now contrary to popular belief, cliches aren't a bad thing. They're cliches because they work. Such video game cliches that we all enjoy are the double jump (despite it defying every law of gravity), the initials in the high score (how else are we supposed to know Peter Odin Oswald is better than Albert Samuel Smith at Pac-Man) and the salesperson who is selling stuff in dangerous places (ignoring the first rule of selling: location, location, location).

But within these cliches there are some that are just annoying. In fact they have continued to this day to the point that they MUST die. These 5 cliches are outlined below.

5. True Villain Plot Twists

Shut the Hell up, nobody likes you.

For those of you unfamiliar with this term, it's my little nickname for something where you think one guy is the main villain and then in some plot twist it turns out some other guy is the main villain. It really is a hit-or-miss kind of story point, either it works out or it doesn't.

Now I'm not saying it can't work. My three favorite video game villains (Majora, Kefka and Dimentio) all came from this kind of thing. The problem is when it doesn't work, it becomes extremely disappointing. Since I cannot resist taking a jab at Ganondorf in Twilight Princess, that's going to be my prime example. Zant was a total badass, he destroyed a Light Spirit without raising a finger and his first words in the game were a death threat.

About midway through the game it's revealed that Zant is serving Ganondorf. In the words of the great James Rolfe: what were they thinking? Seriously it doesn't make Ganondorf look sinister, it makes him look tacked-on. And it's not the only culprit, Final Fantasy VIII, Okami (ok, this one I actually didn't mind) and Jak II all are guilty.

Why It Has To Die: Well for a few good reasons. It normally feels tacked-on and the chances of it working tend to be fairly slim. Not to mention the fact that it doesn't really increase the storyline too well because a. games weren't invented for stories (it's true, flame all you want but it's true) and b. movies (which were invented for stories) have them far less often than games.

I'm just going to go out and say that if you want to see the perfect example why you don't need a true villain plot twist to have a badass villain play Final Fantasy II. Emperor Palamecia was the bad guy right there from the beginning and he ended up being one of the biggest badasses in any video game ever.

4. Text Instead Of Voice-Acting

What's that? I can see you but I can't hear you.

This is a mild irritant but nevertheless still a fairly annoying one. Now in all honesty, I do have a bit of nostalgia from playing Banjo-Kazooie and changing my voice to match the characters talking. But then again that makes me look like an idiot to all passers-by so I'd prefer voice-acting over text, thank you very much.

Now out of the next-gen consoles, I own a Wii. Now I'm going to go ahead and list to you the Wii games I play on a regular basis. Your job is to guess how many of them have voice-acting instead of text. Here they are: Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Super Paper Mario and Okami. OK now guess. *Jeopardy thinking music*

Done? If you guess Super Smash Bros. Brawl which barely qualifies since it's a multiplayer game and they only have voice-acting in their battle grunts then you're correct. For Christ's sake what the Hell? I frequently complain about TP lacking innovativity so ponying up some extra money for some voice-acting wouldn't hurt them would it? SMG and SPM would also work fine. Okami has it the worst, they have little gibberish sounds that make Banjo-Kazooie sound elitist. Why pay for the sound effects when you can pay some for extra voice-acting?

Why It Has To Die: Because it makes the game designers look cheap and most kids I know play games to get away from reality, not practice their literacy. And the more games I get, the more it becomes rampant (3 games I got for Christmas: Okami, Shadow of the Colossus and the new Jak game, only the last one has voice-acting). I've played games on the N64 with voice-acting so why can't it be so on the next-gen consoles?

3. Tutorials

As do I. As do I

This one is irritating because it takes away from the replay value. Now it might be helpful to first-time players but if you want to make a good game, you have to make sure it has replay value otherwise its market doesn't really end up too well. Tutorials are something that takes away from said replay value. This is because no one wants to be spoon-fed the same moveset they just memorized to beat the game again.

Seriously in Super Mario Bros. did they tell you "Press A to jump, and when you get a fire flower press B to shoot fire flowers"? Hell no! They just put you right in the action. To be fair games controls have become more complex as time has moved on so it becomes less obvious what does what. But guess which game did all this perfectly. Go on guess. Out of all the games I've played in my lifetime guess which did it perfectly.

Banjo-freaking-Kazooie. Hate to be so blunt but it's true. They made the tutorial optional. So that way if it's the first time playing you can learn how to do stuff and if it's not you can cancel the tutorial. This is what all games should do, why has nothing ever picked up on it? Seriously, tutorials should only be optional.

Why It Has To Die: I just outlined it above. Look again.

2. Save Points

I just want to get to a damn save point so I can go have dinner!

This should be the law, if you make a game with save points you should have your gaming license revoked. I don't care how magnificent the game is otherwise, save points should be banned. Ever since saving in game has become mainstay and passwords became a thing of the past, there are two possible ways to save. 1. You can press start or 2. You can place save points throughout the game, constantly making gamers look for them.

It doesn't add to the challenge or fun, it adds to the tediousness of looking to save so you can just go to bed. This is especially problematic since most games go with the old thing that "more helpful items become rarer as the game goes on" save points included. If anything they should become more plentiful. This problem reaches its apex in an otherwise magnificent game: Majora's Mask

In quite possibly my favorite game ever the only way to save is to go back in time or talk to an owl statue. Please note that talking to the Owl Statue only works once. Meaning that if you talked to it, come back to the game and turn it off, you go back to the beginning of the 3 days. What the Hell? Seriously the Jak games did this perfectly, it auto-saved every few minutes and, in case you didn't want to trust it, you could just press start and save yourself.

Why It Has To Die: It's not that big of a deal on something like the N64 or the PS2, but the Wii is another story. Let me remind you that the Wii is a family console meaning that we take turns. So whenever my brother wants to go on while I'm playing Okami, I have to begin looking for a save point. Why can't I just press start? When my dad heard about this he pointed out exactly what I was thinking, "You should be able to save wherever you want." He's right, why can't I save wherever the Hell I want.

This is almost half as bad as...

1. Protection Missions

You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die!

Protection missions? **** 'em. **** 'em to Hell. Whoever first designed a protection mission deserves to be hanged and then beaten like a pinata with aluminum bats. Many an otherwise good FPS game has been ruined by the need for protection missions. Halo? Check. Goldeneye? Check. Resident Evil 4? ****in' check.

Hell even Twilight Princess is guilty of this in that part where you have to protect the caravan. That wasn't as irritating but still pretty damn annoying. Seriously it's bad enough that we're looking out for our own ass but when we have to protect someone else it becomes problematic. Especially when that someone has a rare disorder negating their need for self-preservation causing them to run into an enemy-filled corridor.

I don't know why but out of all the games I've played over the years that had this cliche in it only one ever got it right: Nightfire. That's it. That's the only game where the protection mission was perfect. For those of you who haven't played it basically you have to protect a guy named Mayhew from being killed by the local Mafia. Now whenever bad guys break into the room he ducks, he takes cover, he stays right near you and on one occasion he said, "I'm not going anywhere until you check that hallway." That's how it should be done.

Why It Has To Die: You're kidding right? If anything I would have a hard time explaining why it shouldn't have to die. If you ever become a game designer and absolutely need to have a protection mission, make it like Nightfire's for Christ's sake! (In all honesty, you're probably going to die before Mayhew does.) Now excuse me, I'm going to go get myself drunk to drown out my sorrows (no, not really).

The Rise of the King of Pirates: Part 11

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:08:28 -0500
Part 11 of my 14 part walkthrough. In case you just sat down... ah who am I kidding, if you're still reading this you read the other parts. Enjoy!

===

So now you're back in Tortuga. Once again it all comes down to restocking. And believe me you want to do this next level last because it's one doozy of an endurance round. Stock up with all the pistols and pipe bombs you can possibly carry. Then you get to see more plot exposition with the villains (in case you don't know these cut-scenes proceed in this order regardless of the level you choose, e.g. if you go through the caves first the cutscenes still appear in this order).

DeDarrow walks down the streets of the ruined town with O'Rourke and Clemens on either side of him. DeDarrow finally states while near the HMS Domination, "Gentlemen. Soon we shall set sail for my new kingdom." O'Rourke says, "The sun never sets on the DeDarrow Empire, eh?" "It won't. All that remains is to swipe the Gems off of our friend Prince," continues DeDarrow.

O'Rourke replies, "You leave that part to me." As DeDarrow leaves, O'Rourke loads his pistol at which point Clemens asks, "What are you doing?" O'Rourke pockets the pistol and states, "Do you think I came all this way to share power? Nah, as soon as I no longer need DeDarrow, a little accident will happen to him." Clemens replies, "With all due respect, Mr. O'Rourke, I don't think you should rely on an accident to get rid of Admiral DeDarrow. If you want him dead, just kill him yourself."

"That's what I meant you idiot," states O'Rourke. "Remember you can't tell on me or else I'll have you hanged as well, since you're in cahoots with a pirate." Clemens obliviously states, "Do you really think I care about Admiral DeDarrow? Kill the little bastard, see what I care." "Not yet though," states O'Rourke. "Aw crap, really?" moans Clemens.

O'Rourke smiles, "Don't worry Clemens. As soon as Prince finds his last Gem, if he's on scheduel, DeDarrow will be dead soon enough."

---

After that scene, there's only one place left to go: the West. Sail that way and also BTW the amount of enemies you can take on at a time can increase to about 5 this time around. That's the maximum so you better be careful. Inevitably you'll land at the ruined town you've been seeing beforehand. Prince disembarks with most of his crew.

He looks at the ruined town saying, "Where are we?" "You're in Georgestown, my fine gentlemen," declares Admiral DeDarrow from a nearby rooftop. "In wake of my attempts to eradicate you bloody pirates, I've been excavating this town to end piracy." "You're a genocidal monster!" yells Prince. DeDarrow sneers before leaving while British troops mobilize. "Crew, mobilize!" yells Prince as the level begins.

Level # 8: Georgestown

This whole level is one big endurance round and is essentially like a war. Basically the town's people and Prince's crew are uprising against the British troops. All 3 kinds are found in this level: redcoats, bluecoats and blackcoats and they can and will swarm you. There's also a lot of them making it hard to realize what to do.

In order to get the maximum chance of winning go to the gallows and kill all the guards there. The inmates on death row will also join the fight which will help turn the tide in your favor. This is a big, big, big help in this level. What you basically have to do is push the Brits off the island by killing them all or forcing them to evacuate.

Fairly simple concept really. There's only 2 bits of advice: don't die and don't use up all your pipe bombs. Please note that you don't chase off DeDarrow, O'Rourke or Clemens (they flee into a large mansion). Inevitably the battle will be won.

As everyone's cheering out of the ocean erupts a huge geyser as a gigantic, furry, being with a stone club attached to its arm. As it walks on land, McInnis yells out, "IT'S THE COLOSSUS! RUN!" The crowd quickly flees while Prince simply looks at it, saying, "Come here you smarmy bastard. You're the last of the lot," while unsheathing his cutlass.

======================================================

Level # 8: The Colossus

Difficulty: *

Please note that when I say Colossus, I generally mean this kind of Colossus.

Seriously, that game is a masterpiece.

So if you played that game you probably might think to take it down in much the same way but as a bit of comic relief, this boss is incredibly easy. First off let me point out that Prince doesn't have a climbing button so taking down this guy by climbing him is a no-no. So what to do, what to do?

Remember how I said to keep at least one pipe bomb during the preceding level? Throw that one pipe bomb at the Colossus' feet and that's that. Really that's the whole boss fight. Just toss a pipe bomb at its feet. Or as an alternative shoot each foot once with a pistol. Either way as a bit of comic relief this fight is easy. Thus the Colossus gets blown off its feet and falls backwards into the ocean.
======================================================

After the defeat of the Colossus, Prince just looks in awe saying, "That's it? That's the Colossus that guards LaViggio's treasure? Really?" He then notices a cobble in the cobblestone street loose, pries it up and notices a gold gem in it. "Hey the Gem of Gold. Looks like that siren ***** let me off easy this time!"

After this return to the ship or take part in the next part of the Rum Brigade, if you did the first part already. That night, while Prince is sleeping, LaViggio visists him again. Prince groans, "Aw c'mon! Haven't you haunted my dreams enough already?" "Not yet," replies LaViggio. She warns, "Here my warning Horace Prince. Other forces are trying to get my Tablet."

"Let me guess: O'Rourke," asks Prince. LaViggio replies, "Yes but also another man wishes to get it, DeDarrow. If he steals that tablet he is full of hate and anger and every negative emotion under the sun. If he gets control of it, a thousand years of darkness shall plunge down upon the world." Prince interrupts, "Wait, why is it always a thousand with these kind of things?" LaViggio replies, "Actually it's 962 years of darkness but a thousand sounds more ominous."

She continues, "O'Rourke and DeDarrow are filled with bad emotions and thus may not abuse my Tablet. You're filled with other emotions that might make it possible." Prince cracks his knuckles saying, "All right. I'm going to put them out of business. Oh and stop visiting my dreams, you creepy ghost *****!"

The Rise of the King of Pirates: Part 10

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 21:26:23 -0500
Here's part 10 of my walkthrough which is now approximately two-thirds of the way done. In case you missed the previous entries click on the links below:

Part 1: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-1-Special-Edition-Im-Back-Baby
Part 2: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-2
Part 3: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-3
Part 4: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-4-This-Is-My-Half-Year-Anniversary-So-Read-The-Blog-Dammit
Part 5: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-RIse-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-5
Part 6: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-6
Part 7: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-7
Part 8: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-8
Part 9: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/The-Rise-of-the-King-of-Pirates-Part-9

===

I finally found a song for Tortuga. Yay!

So just stock up on everything in Tortuga. If you've done everything right you can afford an extra crewmember. Aside from that restock on pistols and pipe bombs. As soon as you set sail you once more get plot exposition of O'Rourke finalising his plans with DeDarrow.

As DeDarrow and O'Rourke are walking down the street that is has been turned into disarray from DeDarrow's raid, the British Admiral comments, "Regardless of our plans to get the Tablet, Horace Prince still remains a thorn in our side. Not only do I want him dead but if he's seeking the Tablet of LaViggio as well he might have the jewels we need. In which case we need a way to do away with him whilst getting the Gems."

O'Rourke smirks, "No need to worry sir, I know how to do away with him easily." DeDarrow then tips his hat at O'Rourke in salute before leaving. Lieutenant Clemens then comes up to O'Rourke warning him, "You better play your cards wisely O'Rourke." "Oh? And why should I?"

Clemens leans in closer to O'Rourke and explains, "Because I could let slip to DeDarrow that you're a pirate and thus you will be hanged." O'Rourke replies, "I'll just take you with me. After all, you're in cahoots with Prince so you'll be hanged for treason and being associated with pirates." Clemens frowns before leaving.

Later that night in a seedy bar (apparently on Tortuga again), O'Rourke approaches an Indian pirate with a scar running through one eye. He says to the man, "Captain Morgan. The most feared hit man on the Seven Seas." "Indeed," replies Captain Morgan. "Who do you want me to kill?" "Horace Prince," replies O'Rourke while throwing a dimebag full of gold on the table Morgan is sitting behind.

Morgan flinches in fear knowing Prince's reputation before saying, "I wish to have no trouble with Horace Prince." At this remark O'Rourke throws another dimebag onto the table. Morgan hesitates, obviously allured by the gold before continuing, "You and Prince are the most feared swordsman on the Seven Seas. I will not try to kill either of you."

O'Rourke throws a third dimebag full of gold at which point Morgan looks at it, obviously captivated by greed. After a short pause he states, "I will contemplate your task." O'Rourke picks up two of the dimebags saying, "You get some of the money now. You get another dimebag if you made the right choice after your contemplation. You get the third when you succeed." O'Rourke then leaves the bar.

---

Only 2 compass directions are left at this point so head South. It ought to be noted that by this point in the game, the stakes on fighting another ship has begun getting more challenging since by now you'll be fighting more than one ship at a time, probably 2 or 3 (although it never goes higher than 3). Remember to only do these encounters if you can be allowed to risk it.

Inevitably you'll wind up arriving at a huge cave which the Invincible sails right into. Prince disembarks while the crew stays on board, all going to sleep.

Level # 7: The Cave

After shortly walking into the level you meet the level's main enemy. At which point Prince remarks, "Just when I thought I've been everywhere and seen everything... ghost pirates." So yes that's the main enemy of this level, shrunken-down versions of the Flying Dutchman. They're perfectly tangible and can be defeated though.

Anyway you know how every game has a water level and a horror level? Well there's still one more level that has yet to be filled in this game: the complex and frustrating level. The Cave is pretty much that. It's pretty much like Ocarina of Time's Water Temple without the water-raising gimmick and only one floor although you have to go through 8 rooms.

What you're trying to do is get to the boss door, the challenge is finding how to get across the chasm. What you need is a bridge. After going through all these mazes you'll eventually find a ladder and watch a humorous cut-scene of Prince trying to cross the steps by himself before slipping and doing a nutcutter on one of the sides. He then slides off before grabbing onto the ladder (spread from side to side of the chasm) and going across like monkey bars.

When you get into the next room you emerge on a large donut-shaped rock platform with a lake in the middle. A rumbling sound is heard and a gigantic water snake-like being erupts from the lake. Prince says to it, "Let me guess. You're the Hydra." The Hydra roars at Prince prompting the pirate to reply, I'll take that as a yes," before the battle starts.

======================================================

Level # 7 Boss: The Hydra

Difficulty: ****

This is probably going to be one of the hardest bosses in the game aside from the final boss at the end of the game. Provided the fact that you know what you're doing, the Hydra is one easy boss, the problem is figuring out what to do. When the battle starts you should notice that there's a bunch of stalagmites around the platform and when you lure the Hydra's lunging head over he'll get his mouth stuck on it.

You can then attack his head which will decapitate it. However instead 3 more heads will spring back in its place. You can repeat the process again and again until the entire screen becomes a huge squirming orgy that you have to kill. Also the amount of heads is unlimited since they'll inevitably kill you before you can reach an unbelievable number.

What you're really supposed to do is the same way you killed the Dragon, you have to attack its eyes. When it smashes its head down hop on its snout and attack its eyes. Pipe bombs and pistols are most effective for this. However if you decapitated it before, you have to destroy the eyes on all the Hydra heads.

So assuming you know what you're doing this battle isn't too complicated but the Hydra's attacks are quite devastating so you want to be careful with this one. After a bit of patience the Hydra will fall. Ideally you want to know this before the battle starts because with just one head to take down, it becomes far easier.
======================================================

When you do destroy all the eyes, the Hydra thrashes around causing a cave-in of rocks to come down and crush it, destroying all its heads (or head if you knew what to do). As a bunch of stalagtites comes falling down one lands and cracks open at Prince's feet revealing a grey stone inside of it. Prince picks it up and states, "The Stone Gem. That's convenient."

We then cut to the next day of Prince sailing with Mr. McInnis next to him. McInnis asks him, "That's a pleasant story sir. But out of curiosity with a cave-in inevitable, how did you escape that place anyway?" Prince replies, "Well does it really matter. Does anyone really care as long as things are back to normal?" "Yeah I guess you're right," admits McInnis.

What I Would Do If I Were A Hero

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:34:12 -0500
Now, if you've been here for a while you may recall how I once wrote a "what I would do if I were an evil villain" blog in my early days. (In case you haven't read it before here's a link: http://screwattack.com/blogs/Flashpennys-blog/What-Id-Do-If-I-Were-An-Evil-Villain.) It's objective was pretty much to be a villain while making me look like a good guy. So I did it again this time with heroes. For those of you who haven't figured it out yet it's really making me a hero but making me look like the bad guy. Enjoy!

===

1. If I am armed with a super weapon that could destroy the evil guy easily but he has a companion at knife point I will ignore his requests to toss away the weapon. Either way, I get to blow his head off.

2. If I have incapacitated a assassin I will kill him. If I let him go he'll be back in a few days to kill me again with a backup squad.

3. If I am in a bar with someone watching me I will stick an arrow in his head rather than let him call in a bunch of evil guys. If he is not evil at least I practiced my archery.

4. If I am a secret mutant I will cover my tracks by killing everyone for a mile when I have to show my secret abilities.

5. If my companion gets shot in the leg and tells me to save my self I will do so. I will not be stupid and get caught with him.

6. I will not get a princess following me unless she can fight or cast spells. Otherwise she is just a late sleeping dead weight.

7. When the bad guy starts monologing I will not let him finish. I will instead spray him with a machine gun while he talks.

8. I will never cut the red wire. I will instead throw in a fragmentation grenade thereby cutting every wire with as small amount of explosives posible.

9. If I get a invatation to join the bad guy I will graciously accept and kill him later when his guard is down.

10. Rather than challange the bad guy to a one on one duel I will send an assasin to kill him.

11. I will import said assasin from japan. There are 2 reasons for this. One, japaneese assasins are ninja whose stealth is only matched by rangers, and they only work in the forest. Two, if a ninja gets caught he will kill himself by any means possible to punish himself. Thus I don't get betrayed.

12. I will not taunt and be rude to the bad guy if I am totally at his mercy.

13. Everyone on my team will know that if I tell a open and obvious lie to play along.

14. I will never openly insult the evil king unless I've got a small army already.

15. If the baddy is holding the girlfriend hostage just blow up his hideout without rescuing the girl. New babes are easier to get than trekking through a complex, trap ridden, villain's lair

16. If someone just appears out of nowere to help me in a fight and is only interested in doing good I will be suspicious. If they are sadistic and cruel but don't like the bad guy I will accept them without a complaint.

17. I will always listen to the crazy old man or woman in the mountain who has a sudden trance and tells me to do something specific.

18. I will stay away from any girl that I might develop a romantic interest in until after the baddie is beat. Otherwise they will just constantly distract me and cause me to make bad decisions.

19. When sneaking into a villain's lair if he is an amature I will use side routes. If he is experience I will never rule out the front door as the side routes are probally covered. If he is a true expert I will have to find some special way in as everything will be covered.

20. I will forget the stupid cat.

21. Never split up into groups of less then three.

22. If I see undisputable proof that some monster is near me I will run away really, really fast.

23. I will ensure that every spot is well lit without multiple of shadows.

24. If the bad guy tries to have me do a task for me by holding a friend hostage, I will have him keep his end of the bargain first. It never works out the other way around.

25. I will forget about having an epic climatic battle with the villain. I will just shoot him dead.

26. Seriously, get off the conyevor belt.

27. I will always look up and behind me.

28. If the guy at the door says that they've been expecting me I will consider whether or not I'm going into a hostile area.

29. I will be on the look out for people who have read the list of evil.

30. The old bald guy will always kick my ass.

31. Assume that if they're drooling they're hungry.

32. My hat is not worth my life.

33. I am not above torture, bribery, extortion, seduction, and murder.

34. All negotiations go faster with a 12-gauge shotgun resting on the other guy's forehead.

35. He who lacks legs cannot chase me.

36. He who lacks a head also cannot chase me.

37. If I just fought an extended war to kill the bad guy I will not save him from falling off the cliff into the lava.

38. Yes I will be better than him if I kill him. The fact I won the fight is proof of that.

39. I need that guy's wallet way more then he does

40. I will constantly watch myself for signs of corruption

41. If it ruins the bad guy's plans and saves thousands of people then no, I won't die.

42. If it's the only way I'll have someone else do it for me.

43. If the bad guy refers to mhimself in the third person then he is a egomaniac and I should exploit that.

44. If the bad guy is constantly throwing around magic and power he is probally faking it. Otherwise it is the real deal.

45. They'll see me whether I move or not.

46. When facing an enemy that has studied phycology, first think up the best course of action and then do the exact opposite.

47. The villain's final death of getting shot is cliched but still should be used whenever possible.

48. I will always try to think of one-liners.

49. Flowcharts=key to success.

50. If I have to find the Sacred Sword of Good I will not go into the Sacred Land to fight the Dragons of Eternity and journey past the Mountain of Fire. Instead I will use a helicopter to fly over the obstacles to get it.

51. I will only get said sword if it's absolutely necessary.

52. The Mafia Don only becomes the secondary antagonist if I do something to piss him off.

53. Actually if I'm ever going to head into the villain's heavily-guarded base, I will do something to piss the Mafia Don off beforehand. That way if I get captured he will raid the place in an effort to kill me allowing me to escape (watch District 9 to get what I mean).

54. The big, strong henchman is the most easily-manipulated one.

55. I will work out often. That way I am more physically capable of carrying more weapons.

56. Steroids help in that part.

57. If I'm trying to destroy an evil regime I will flood the market with gold destroying the economy, promise to help everyone if I'm made King and watch as a mob of starving peasants storm the villain's castle to make me ruler.

58. If the villain's immortal, I will find a way to steal his immortality.

59. I won't seek immortality, I'll know when my time is up.

60. I won't ever try to sway the henchmen to my side. If they're with the bad guy, they're dead waste.

61. Humans are covered in hair. Hair is flammable.

62. If the bad guy's base is heavily-fortified I'll hijack a nuke instead of storming it.

63. When I'm trying to gather a small army I'll be sure to check out if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are available.

64. And Clint Eastwood too.

65. I won't show mercy 'cause I shall receive none.

66. If I was originally the villain's henchman, I will stay his henchman unless the other guys are too powerful.

67. A man's best friend is his flamethrower.

68. If I witness my master/brother/mother/father/parents/my family/whatever murdered before my eyes, I'll kill the guy right then and there. It's so much more easier than waiting for 30 years and embarking on some quest.

69. Grenades + gasoline=victory

70. I won't act like a gigolo until the villain's dead. That way any supposed love interest stay with me.

71. When I kill a villian, I'll make sure to kill his wife/son/daughter/pet/cousin/long-lost brother/anyone who ever cared for or was allied to him. I don't want anyone coming back for revenge.

72. I will always bring more than just my fists to fistfights. It ends quicker and easier.

73. If a man comes into my hotel room claiming to be room service and I didn't order room service and he says it's on the house, I'll call the hotel before letting him into my room.

Well that's all I can come up with. If you have any more, please say them and I'll add 'em in.