Blog Posts from "Elmo 3000's blog"

Elmo's Rants: 63: Adore-A-Bull

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:17:37 -0400

It's official, call the newspapers, alert the President, tell everyone you know, for a matter of vast importance has taken place, one which can never be outdone.

Forest of Hope - Pikmin

I'm in love. <3

Now I know you'll all be wondering (because obviously, I just mean that much to you) who the lucky receiver of my love is. Who drives my Donkey Kong bananas? Who levels up my Pokémon? Who can truly claim to be the Zelda to my Link, the Daisy to my Luigi, the Whitly to my Dante, and more? Well, there's only one room for someone special in my heart, and I'm dedicating it to someone who deserves it...

SOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!!!!

That's right, my true love is none other than Rottweiler, from Neighbours From Hell. While I've been talking about this game a lot lately, I'm not great at giving reviews, and I wanted to find a different way to talk about it, thus I wish to confess my love for Rottweiler, the fat and grumpy man who you spend the whole game setting traps up for.

Let me explain the game real quick; Rottweiler is a jerk (Even though I love him) and you play as Woody, his disgruntled little neighbour. You sneak around his house, and even follow him on a cruise and on holiday, and set up booby traps for him to stumble into. That's right. Booby traps. This game will make you feel six again, and that's awesome.

So a typical level would involve going into Rottweiler's house, collecting items to use in traps, and setting them up. While this is going on, Rottweiler is going about his daily routine, and if he catches you, he beats the crap out of you. That's right- my man don't take crap from nobody! So anyway, you have to avoid him while setting up these traps, and as the game goes on, they can get more complex. Some traps can achieve a bonus if set off together, and some traps can only be set off together. Nonetheless, the game is childish, stupid, and unbelievably fun.

Rottweiler's daily routine nearly always involves the traps, since otherwise, how would he even set them off? Anyway, this means that while Woody is off setting up hilarious, unconventional, and often downright dangerous traps, Rottweiler is wandering around the levels, doing whatever he wants, and this is why I love him so much. He truly is adorable, albeit fat, stupid, and obviously of questionable hygiene.

So, after a few jottings down and the capturing of MANY pictures for Photobucket, I've been able to make a simple list of reasons why I love this character. Even if you've never played the game, read this anyway, and perhaps you too will be able to understand my deepest feelings for this man/thing.

On a sidenote, it's tougher to make any form of list nowadays, since I was used to writing '3)' and '6)' and such, and I can't any more because if you do it with an 8, it just becomes a smiley wearing glasses. Dangit!

8. He cares for (some) animals.

Captain Parrot-Dog to the rescue!

Although the parrot is only seen in the PC version, the dog is present in both the PC games and the ports on GameCube and Xbox, and in all versions, they're Rottweiler's loyal pets.

Their main purpose in the game is actually just to make you slow down whenever you enter a room with them, because they won't attack you, but they will squawk/bark if you walk normally, because the noise will wake them up. All that does is make Rottweiler madly run to that room, and then to others, in search of you. If you can't find a good hiding place quickly, he'll find you pretty soon and beat you up.

It's nothing big, but I'm pretty sure girls like guys who care for animals, which is probably why Rottweiler waits until the woman he likes isn't around to do things like this...

I so totally 100% did not put that bucket there.

If I remember correctly, Rottweiler doesn't get along with animals he doesn't own. He has another incident with an elephant in which you scare it off with a mouse, and then while it's gone, you replace the chalk 'This is how close you can stand without getting hit' line with a line closer to the elephant. You can probably guess the outcome... Man, I love this game.

7. He's an active sportsman!

I know he doesn't look too active, but Rottweiler's activities in the levels take him through a wide variety of exercise. There's even a whole level where the traps are based around the various exercises he can do, from yoga (Replace his yoga instructions with a book entitled '1000 Knots') to testing the power in his arms (Replace the braces attached to the wall with elastic rope and watch him bounce back, literally) and twice in the game, he even tries weightlifting, each time with different traps.

Let's get physical!

By far, the strangest of all these exercises has to be one of his activities while he's on the cruise, and this only seems to be present in the console version. There's an apple on the ground, and a ladder next to it leading up to something off-screen. Inspecting the apple gives you the description 'Catch an apple to win a prize!' but it's not until you let old Rottweiler give it a go when you see that it's some sort of bungee jumping exercise. Rottweiler comes flying down on a rope and tries (and fails) to snatch the apple a few times before bouncing back up. That's... impressive.

Of course, you ruin this by placing the apple on a bucket, making it just high enough for Rottweiler, the apple, and the bucket collide suddenly, but that's not the point! The point is that even though Rottweiler is an angry fat guy, he actually does a lot of exercise, and most of the time, it just ends up looking hilarious stupid. Adorable and hilariously stupid. If you've never seen a fat person water-ski in real life, this is as close as you'll get.

6. He loves his Mom.

Awww... a late 'Happy Mother's Day' everyone!

Rottweiler's mother, Battleaxe, appears quite frequently in the later levels, and while she's more old and angry than Rottweiler and less entertaining and stupid, it's still funny to see Rottweiler run towards her with a child's love on his mind whenever she wants him to walk her dog or get her a cushion and yells something which sounds mildly like 'JODA!'

Although she isn't that fond of Rottweiler herself, as is shown by one strange task in the PC version when she asks him to get her a cushion, waits about 10 seconds, throws the cushion away, and then asks him to get her another, she is the only other character in the game who will beat up Woody if she sees him, or scream and attract the attention of Rottweiler. In this way, although they just annoy each other, mother and son are somewhat loyal to each other.

Rottweiler's mum even has her own pet dog, an overexcited yapping machine, who Rottweiler isn't fond of himself. The elephants care even less for the dog, and if you leave a cricket bat next to one of the elephants, then when Rottweiler has to take the dog for a walk, the elephant tries to play a little game of keepie-up with it... thus knocking the dog out for a few seconds and causing Rottweiler's mother to charge in, before hitting her son a few times.

Nevertheless, despite the definite tension between the family, Rottweiler does what he's asked when it comes to his mother, and he would never displease her (although it wouldn't be as funny) if Woody didn't interfere with his plans.

5. His daily routine is amazing.

We all have a daily routine, and it's probably dull. Wake up, get changed, eat something, get the bus, etc... Well, Rottweiler's daily routine is only 3 or so minutes long, and he does it over and over again for hours. That's admirable.

The way he's able to continue his cycle for hours on end is just... primitively adorable. Take his birthday, for example. He starts off by getting a candle and putting it on his cake, then he lights it and blows his party-blower, complete with cool sound. Then he goes downstairs, puts his hand in the letterbox, and feels around for any birthday cards. Then he stands there, satisfied, and stretches his arms, before he catches a whiff of his own underarms, turns green, and rushes to the bathroom to try out a roll-on deoderant.

Then? Well, then he just goes back to the cake and puts a candle on it, and starts all over again! He can entertain himself for hours! Screw those amongst you who demand high-definition graphics, advanced multiplayer, and an epic single-player campaign; Rottweiler can entertain himself all day with a cake, some candles, and some deoderant!

I'm fully aware that Rottweiler only does this because they couldn't program him to do dozens of different things in each level, but it just makes him look entertainingly simple that he can do the same thing over and over and be genuinely entertained by it. Heck, part of his daily routine in one level is walking past a picture of his mother, looking at it, then carrying on walking! This guy defines the phrase 'Simple things for simple minds', but just manages to make it look lovably content instead.

He even notices if you draw a face on it!

4. He's a handy guy!

Kind of like Bob the Builder, except fat and stupid.

By far, one of Rottweiler's most magical skills is the ability to fix just about ANYTHING! After you set up a trap, you get to watch as it hilariously goes off, and you also get to watch as Rottweiler jumps up and down in anger at it. Still, the mysterious skill of fixing becomes apparent after a few traps, when he's able to reverse just about any damage by crouching near something, and making some noises that sound like tools.

Oh, you clever prankster! You put superglue on his photo album, and now all the pages are torn out! But does it matter? No, Rottweiler just takes a few seconds, and bam, it's good as new! Heck, in one level you cover a priceless ancient vase in grease so that he drops it and it breaks, but does it stay broken? No, Rottweiler can easily put it back together after just a few moments!

Plus, as well as watching him act like a handyman in the level entitled 'Do It Yourself', you'll be surprised by some of the things he can do in regular levels. He's a good cyclist, he's a painter, a cook, and he even dabbles in sculpting for Mother's Day!

Rottweiler: A man of class!

Even though this is just a trick to add variety into the levels... it works! It's awesome to try and see what Rottweiler's going to do next, and sometimes it really does look like he has some amazing hidden skills. He can also throw a watermelon in the air and slice it in half with a sword before it hits the ground, he'd just... better make sure Woody doesn't put a cannonball inside first...

3. He's a romantic guy!

Romance is dying, and I suppose as someone who spent last Valentine's Day seeing if anything interesting would happen in Animal Crossing, I haven't really been bothering, although it's not as if I have a girlfriend to complain about it. (Hahaha- Awww... *Sniff*) but Rottweiler serves as an inspiration to people who want to keep the romance flowing.

On the cruise ship, he meets an enchanting woman named Olga, and does everything in his power to woo her. Lo and behold, even though he's a jerk to her kid when she's not looking, he actually does a pretty decent job of it!

Offering her a seashell to hear, a flower to smell, and even a homemade picnic basket!

Of course, when Woody interferes, Rottweiler's romantic attempts don't tend to go very well.

Amazing what you can do with a crab, a fish, and some termites, isn't it?

So, although Rottweiler's attempt at romancing his senorita tend to fail spectacularly, at least he makes an entertaining effort to impress the love of his life. Even if it usually ends up the same way...

She's a knockout! *Crickets chirp*

This doesn't stop Olga from occasionally letting Rottweiler talk her into things, although these all end in disaster too, when Woody replaces the ping-pong ball for their game with an egg, and when he causes Rottweiler to break the 'Buckin' Bronco' that Olga is on... At the very least, his attempts to find love are really funny.

2. He's not afraid to express himself!

If you were in your house, and you went to the microwave and found that someone had put an egg in it which had exploded a little and made a mess, which of these choices would you be likely to do?

a) Sigh and clean it up.
b) Swear a bit and clean it up.
c) Twitch your right leg and shake your right fist at the machine, screaming a string of angry jibberish.

You'll never guess which of these choices Rottweiler picks.

It looks almost like he's cheering...

While the rest of us may hide our anger with situations until it explodes in a ball of disaster and Q-Tips, good old Rottweiler isn't afraid to let his emotions out, no matter how overwhelmingly stupid (but funny) he looks doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Rottweiler way of dealing with an angry situation.

a) A trap goes off. In this case, Woody takes to the exercise bike with a spanner.

b) Jump up and down, shaking your fists angrily.

c) Lean back and let out a heartfelt cry into the sky, as if you're saying, "Why God, why would you let him mess with my exercise bike?!?"

d) You hear something click, so you lean forwards again, out of breath.

And let's not forget the amazing sounds Rottweiler makes when he's angry. Again, keeping in time with the pictures.

a) *Thud*

b) WROOOAWR-BROAR, FLROROROROAR!

c) WRAAAAAAAAH!

d) *Huff* *Huff* *Huff*.

So, we've reached the number one reason of why I love Rottweiler so much, and not only is it the best, but it's actually a serious reason as to why his character is so entertaining. The most basic fascination you'll have with watching the stupid things he does is a basic fascination of his own.

1. He has an amazing child-like sense of wonder and curiosity.

Let me run by a few examples. If you were on a cruise ship, and you were walking past an emergency flare gun, chances are you'd leave it in its respectful place and move on. Does Rottweiler do this? The hell he does!

... Is the fat guy pretending to be a secret agent, or has Pierce Brosnan really let himself go?

Yeah, that's right. Rottweiler takes the gun, leans back against the wall, and edges along, pretending to be a secret agent, before jumping out in a dramatic position... and duly putting the flare gun back where he found it. This is the main attraction of the game for me; Rottweiler is so entertaining to watch when just left to his own devices, he's like a kid in a candy shop!

Next on the catwalk, modelling our 'Ship-wear' range...

I said before that his daily routine is entertaining, but that's because he really does approach everything with a simple attitude. You can see above, he just wanders around the ship and finds a life jacket, so he has to try it on and see what it's like! Then he does the same with the scuba-diving gear, for no reason at all other than his idle curiosity. He even picks up the Captain's hat and just tries it on, just to see how it looks!

This... amazingly simple outlook is exactly why I felt like I had to talk about his character. Although this blog has mainly been pretty stupid (making it soooo different to my other blogs then...) I really do think that Rottweiler's curious antics are one of the best things in this game. The way he just wanders through the game, picking up anything that isn't nailed down and checking it out, then coming back in 2 minutes and doing it again... it's like watching a fat Mr Bean, and I love Mr Bean too.

So now that I've explained my love for Rottweiler, I'm not entirely sure how to end, but I wanted to show you one more picture. It's probably my favourite picture in the game, and out of all the things Rottweiler does when left to his own routine, it's definitely my favourite. On the Mother's Day level, he figures that apart from the statue, what else could his mother want but a nice picture of him, her beautiful little boy! So, he sets up the old photo equipment, and...

...

Do I really need to explain more? Doesn't this perfectly signify the stupid but lovable childish simplicity and curiosity that Rottweiler has? Even if it doesn't, it's still an awesome picture anyway... that pose...

Man, I love you Rottweiler. <3

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 62: Moving On

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:59:21 -0500

The Calm Before The Storm

It was a generically sunny day. Birds were singing, bees were buzzing, people in the street were stopping to have lighthearted conversations about the weather, and Elliott was celebrating the only way he knew how; Sitting inside and playing a GameCube game. His was surely a life of excitement.

Yawning as he pressed the buttons to continue a quick-time-event, he realised how bored he was. After playing Resident Evil 4 so many times, he'd practically memorized every room, every enemy, every weapon, and every boss fight. It was no wonder it didn't keep him as hooked as it used to. Pausing the game before turning off the power, he took out the disc and half-heartedly placed it back in the case, knowing full well that he'd probably be putting it back in his prized GameCube hours later.

Scanning the titles of the games in his most-played pile, he drew a blank. Super Smash Bros Melee, he'd already played that day. Ditto for XIII. He'd recently completed Neighbours From Hell, and also Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance. He simultaneously loved Tales of Symphonia, and was also sick of playing it.

Checking the second pile, the pile of games that he liked, but wanted to play slightly less, he found that it was topped off by Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell, which had always confused Elliott (How can Batman Begins be a rip-off of this if Batman Begins is so much more fun?) and it was followed up by Pikmin 2, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, Metroid Prime, and many more games that he wanted to own, but wasn't that enthusiastic about actually playing.

The third and final column of games was the 'newly bought games he really should play' pile. Topped off with Lost Kingdoms 1 and 2, it was followed by Bloodrayne, Geist, Dragon's Lair 3D, and even gems like Kirby Air Ride were hidden beneath. Unfortunately, although it was stupid, and Elliott was fully aware of how stupid it was, he didn't care much for starting new games, even if he was desperate to own them. The possibility that they might not live up to his expectations was worse to him than the mystery of wondering what they were like. Luckily, in impulsive moments, he was prone to try new games, and this had recently led him to the discovery of Tomb Raider: Legend as an entertaining adventure game. Unluckily, the next game he'd tried after that was Hitman 2, a game which had... substantially more flaws, after which Elliott wasn't enthusiastic about trying anything new for a few weeks.

Wondering whether he should give one of the rarer games he'd bought a try, such as Baten Kaitos, Skies of Arcadia, and The Twin Snakes, or whether he should resume a save file on a game he had tried, such as Pikmin or Beyond Good and Evil, or even whether to give in to the requests of one of his friends and try Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg, Elliott lost his train of thought as he came across a game he hadn't seen before, and could barely remember buying. Thinking for a second, he shrugged and pulled it out of the pile, almost sending the 30 GameCube games stacked on top of it plunging to the floor.

Putting it in and switching on the console, he sat down with his controller and started to play. Soon after the title screen and tutorial, he was in 'the zone' of gaming. This game was addictive, this game was quirky, and this game was FUN.

---

Some time had passed when Elliott finally stopped playing. After a few hours of being in 'the zone', he'd heard a knock on the door and decided that it would probably be best to answer it. Pausing the game, he stood up for the first time since sitting down to play, and yawned loudly as he made his way to the door. Opening it, he smiled slightly and greeted his friend.

"Hey Will, what's up?"

'Will' had been Elliott's friend for quite some time. They could hardly remember how they met, but they seemed to compliment each other; Elliott occasionally told Will to calm down if he was getting too worked up over something, and Will had stopped Elliott from doing a few rash things in the spur of the moment before. The only thing that dissatisfied Elliott about the whole situation was that Will was more intelligent than him, yet seemed to get picked on more often.

Still, although they debated on many issues, they never actually fell out over them. Elliott was a big fan of Pokémon Gold, and Will was not. Will had been the one who recommended Batman Begins to Elliott, and now Elliott liked it more than he did! Nevertheless, their disagreements never went above the level of debates, and after finding out that Will had a secret love for wildlife programs, Elliott had even assigned him the nickname of 'Captain Raccoon'.

However, the tone of the welcoming conversation changed. Previously, they'd been discussing anything from games but Will's expression changed to one of concern as he noticed which game Elliott had paused.

"You're playing... that?"

Elliott couldn't see the problem.

"Yeah. It's really fun! Wanna try?"

"No... I don't think I should, and to be honest, I don't think you should either."

This gave Elliott a chance to use one of his favourite words. "Elaborate?"

"I tried that game a few months ago, and it was fine. I can see why you'd find it so entertaining; it's fun for a really long time, but then you get to the final boss..." Will paused and sighed. "That final boss is undoubtedly the most unfair, cheap son of a ***** you will ever face in your life. He's nigh impossible to beat. Not even pros on YouTube can leave a scratch on him. He can dodge you, he has unstoppable attacks at times..."

Elliott raised his eyebrows. "Sounds... tough. Did you ever beat him?"

"Nah, I got obsessed trying though. There are times when you still die, but you feel like you're making progress. Overall though, it just wasn't worth all the hassle. Seriously, when you get to the final boss, you can fight him a few times to see what I mean, and then you might as well stop. It'll save you time, energy, and frustration."

"No worries," chuckled Elliott, "I always know when to quit."

---

A few hours later, Elliott was still playing the game. Having made it through several levels, he was pleased with his progress, until he heard the dramatic music, the cackle of laughter, and the beginning of the dramatic monologue. He had reached the final boss.

Not fully understanding what Will had meant when he had talked about how hard the boss was, Elliott decided to see what it was like for himself.

3 seconds later, Elliott had quite a clear understanding of what Will had meant. Retrying out of intrigue more than anything else, he dodged to the right to avoid the unstoppably huge attack, only to find himself killed instantly by a second attack. Frowning, he debated to himself whether he should carry on to see just what the boss was like, or do the mature thing and stop.

Several hours later, after dodging more attacks, Elliott watched as his character successfully rolled forwards through a maze of lasers, only to be flattened quite suddenly by a comical anvil. Giving up, he yawned yet again as he put the controller down and went to turn off the console.

"Hahaha, I win again!"

Elliott's eyes narrowed as he heard the mocking voice of the boss.

"I should've known you'd never be able to beat me!"

Elliott's finger hovered over the power button on his GameCube.

"I am the ultimate champion, defeated by none!"

Elliott gritted his teeth, determined not to be provoked into wasting any more time.

"If it's any consolation, you were a really worthy competitor, for about three seconds."

Elliott's finger was no longer hoverring over the power button. It was back on the right bumper of his controller, as he sat down once more and started to play again.

Hours later, with bloodshot eyes and tired fingers, Elliott finally went to bed, but not before vowing to beat this boss.

---

Will had to knock several times before Elliott answered the door.

"What took you so long? I phoned to tell you I was coming three hou-" Will stopped mid-sentence as he noticed Elliott's tired expression and scruffier than normal attire.

"You look terrible, what happened?" he asked, with a mixture of curiosity and concern.

"Thanks!" replied Elliott loudly and sarcastically. "Nothing's happened, just... playing a game, that's all."

After a second of pondering, Will got the picture and shook his head, looking disappointed.

"You're playing the final boss, aren't you?"

"Well Columbo, you've done it again!"

"I'll take that as a yes." Will stepped inside, now clearly wondering how he could snap Elliott out of it. "Why are you still playing against him?"

"I don't want to, I just have to. I'm really close to actually doing him some damage. You said pros on YouTube couldn't beat him, but I actually managed to get a hit off at him! Sure, it only took down about a thousandth of his health, but a hit is a hit!"

Will lowered his glasses and looked at Elliott over them. "You do realise that the developers of the game put in three phases, each one with more HP, right?"

"... I did not."

"And you also realise that only a handful of gamers in the entire world have even lasted more than a minute here, right?"

"... Maybe I hadn't looked that up."

"And you do realise that the only reason the developers even made this was so that the game could be known as the hardest game of all time, a hybrid of all other hard games, a sort of... I Wanna Be The Battletoad Gaiden, if you will. You realise that, don't you?"

"Yeah... I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I'll never beat it, but I just can't stop playing it. I don't even want to, I just... am."

"Well, this isn't the first time it's happened. Remember Sheena's 'Treasure Hunter' title? How did you stop wanting that?"

Elliott took a seat on his sofa, and picked up the controller, playing absentmindedly while talking.

"I never really stopped wanting to get that title, it was just that the task was so much larger than the reward. I'd played the game through three times and gotten every other title... to play it again just for one which might not work because of an unknown glitch just wouldn't be worth it." Elliott paused. "I'll play it again in a few years anyway. I'll see if I can get it then. But this boss battle, it's right here, and it's the last bit of this game. I guess when the magnitude is big enough, it takes me longer and longer to get over something."

"I understand," replied Will, thinking of something else that could be of help. Elliott was busy thinking of something himself.

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"You said that you got addicted to this boss fight, how did you stop caring about it?"

"I was thinking about that myself, but I had a friend of a friend who I met who really helped me through it. Maybe I should introduce her to you as well."

"Couldn't hurt," Elliott replied, looking down sadly at the controller in his hands. He felt as if it they were practically glued together, and what did his brain do? Tell him to move on? Ignore the urge to keep playing? Or did it just go into autopilot whenever a game came along and let him keep playing and dying, over and over, for no reason other than personal pride?

"Yeah," Elliott repeated. "It couldn't hurt."

---

A few days later, Will arrived at the door with his back-up. Knocking a few times, but getting no response, he let himself in with the spare key Elliott had given him just in case, and sure enough, he found Elliott sleeping on the sofa, controller still in his hand, drooling like a baby.

"Elliott, wake up! I brought help, her name is Rhys."

Elliott semi-consciously replied, "Rhys as in, Rhys the priest from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance?" Will didn't really know how to respond, so he gave Rhys a look as if to say, "Well? Are you?"

"Erm, sure!" Rhys responded. At the sound of the voice of someone other than Will, Elliott opened his eyes slightly and rubbed them. Yawning yet again, he suddenly realised that he probably ought to go to mild effort to make a good first impression.

In an attempt to sit up straight, he fell off the couch. Realising that he wouldn't make a good first impression no matter what by now, he lazily decided to stay there, wishing Will and Rhys a muffled "Good Morning!" from the floor.

"Impressive dexterity!" teased Will. Elliott sighed, but Rhys didn't want to make this more uncomfortable than it had to be.

"Don't worry about it Elliott, when Will had this problem and I went round to help him, he was practically-"

"I think we should be sticking to the matter at hand!" Interrupted Will loudly and suddenly.

"Fine," replied Rhys, smirking slightly. "Elliott, what seems to be the problem?"

Elliott wasn't really looking forward to this. Whenever he had some sort of gaming problem, he rarely talked to his real-life friends about it. After all, as much as he respected gaming and the joy it had brought him, he always felt kind of silly if he got genuinely upset over something in a game. For this reason, he decided to be as succinct as possible.

"It's a boss in this game. He's really hard, and I can't beat him, and I'm getting obsessive over it. I really hate it when there are obstacles I can't cross, hurdles I can't jump over..."

"Will told me you have OCD, is that correct?"

"To a degree. It's not as major as a lot of people have, it just makes me slightly more of a perfectionist than other people."

"Hmmmm..." Rhys was deep in thought. Elliott was waiting for her response, and Will didn't know what to say.

"What boss is this exactly?"

Elliott held up the case of the game, and Rhys instantly sighed and shook her head. "That game again? I can't tell you how many times I've been asked to help about this... Alright, show me how good you are against the boss. Bearing in mind that nobody I've helped has ever actually beaten the guy."

Elliott put the disc into the GameCube and loaded the game. He had indeed improved, due to a calm frame of mind, and was able to dodge a few attacks with ease before succumbing to the inevitable and watching his character fail. Feeling a mixture of disappointment that he couldn't magically win ("Hey, I won! Well, I guess this whole thing's over! Thanks for the help anyway!") and relief that Rhys had seen one of his not-so-terrible attempts at the boss.

"Alright, you're not the worst I've seen. What do you want to do about this?"

Elliott was unprepared for this approach.

"Me? I don't know, I just... want to win, I guess. The sooner I can win, the sooner everything goes back to normal."

"And what will you do if you never win? Will you be able to go back to normal and resume other games, peacefully and non-competitively?"

"... I don't know."

"Given the choice, would you ever give up this fight, even if it would be best for you in the long run?"

"... I don't know."

Rhys folded her arms. "You're very knowledgeable on this subject," she joked sarcastically, before chirping up. "Tell you what, you can spend another day fighting this boss as hard as you can, and if you can genuinely make a good amount of progress, I'll let you keep playing, but this time tomorrow, I'm taking the game away if you've just gotten stuck. Does that seem fair?"

Elliott thought for a few seconds. There was no way he could beat the boss in such little time, but progress wouldn't be too out of his way. "Yeah, that seems fair."

"Great! Now, sorry, but I have to run, I have a meeting with my boss in half an hour and I have to get ready." She turned to Will. "Are you staying?"

"I think I will. Even if it's not multiplayer, games are always more fun with another person to talk to."

Elliott was partly annoyed at the mode of address in which they talked about him while he was still clearly there, but was grateful to both of them for their efforts. Rhys departed after a cheerful goodbye, and Will took a seat next to Elliott on the sofa.

"Rhys seems nice," Elliott began to spark up conversation.

"She was a massive help for me. Why, what did you think she'd be like?"

"I don't know... most people who are there to help you are either eerily sympathetic or just very loud and angry. It's nice to talk to someone who talks to you like you're a friend." He paused. "What's her job?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure myself, but I think she works for a big company. Manager or administrator or something."

"I'll keep that in mind," Elliott replied halfheartedly. He was already back to being focussed on the game, much to Will's disappointment. Nevertheless, Will stayed there for a few hours, making small talk and occasionally succeeding in distracting Elliott from the big bad unbeatable boss. Unfortunately, he too had to leave in a few hours, leaving just Elliott in that room.

Elliott and the game.

---

The next day arrived slowly for some, but whizzed past for Elliott, who was visibly agitated. Having made very little progress on the boss, he was still fighting him when Rhys and Will arrived the next day.

"Elliott? It's just us, I let us in again."

Elliott acknowledged their entrance with a dismissive wave and tapped frantically at the controller, although it didn't help. Seconds later, his character was dead.

"Stupid ******* cheater!" Elliott shouted, shocking Rhys and alarming Will. Elliott rarely swore with such enthusiasm. "How am I meant to react to that hit in time? It's like he knows my strategy! I try to build up solid stance to last for a long battle, and he charges in with a cheap shot and knocks me down like that! I try to charge in, and he's suddenly in a perfect defensive stance and takes the highground! How do you fight something like that?"

"Elliott," Rhys began, "Remember our deal? You've learnt a little more, but you haven't really improved. Will you let us take the game off your hands?"

Elliott pretended not to hear, and charged forwards again, into another foolhardy death.

"The next time you die, we'll take the game. Ok?" Will entered the fray, trying to calm Elliott down. Elliott said nothing, but pressed a few buttons on the controller. A few seconds later, he'd notched up another death by making a rookie mistake in the opening seconds. Will moved towards the GameCube.

"No! Just... one more time." Elliott pleaded. "Last go, I swear."

Will was reluctant, but agreed. Elliott took a deep breath and picked up the controller one more time. He dodged the attacks well for a few turns, and even managed to land an elusive hit, but was just a tad too slow reacting when he saw an incoming attack, and his character was just within range as he tried to jump out of the way. Elliott let loose with a string of curses that would have made the Angry Video Game Nerd proud.

Breathing deeply, he was beginning to regret this. He got very worked up sometimes, but really didn't like it when people actually saw it. Usually he'd just fuel this anger towards some little problem, or just let it build up within him, but now, he was swearing like an idiot in front of one of his friends, and someone who was just trying to help him. Will didn't move for the console, but Elliott got up and walked towards the GameCube.

"Don't worry, you're doing the right thing," consoled Rhys. Elliott paused, then knelt down to take out the game, before pulling out the lead on his GameCube controller, picking it up by the wire, and swinging it violently into a wall.

Freakout

Will jumped back. Rhys ducked. The GameCube controller smashed into a wall with a sickening crunch, and a few chips of plastic flew out, but Elliott wasn't finished. Swinging the wire around again, he screamed angrily as it flew into a window. A splintering crack was heard, and the window cracked, but didn't shatter.

Will chose his moment to act. As Elliott took a moment to recuperate, he leant forwards and grabbed the remains of the controller, yanking them sharply, pulling the wire away from Elliott's hands. Rhys stood up shakily, more than a little freaked out, and asked quite bluntly, "What the hell was that?!?"

Elliott wasn't injured, but was holding his head in his hands. Eventually, he looked up, and all the anger had drained for him, and he spoke with a remaining calmness that seemed unnatural.

"Do you know how my mind works?"

It wasn't said sarcastically or bitterly, but just as a genuine question.

"I really don't like how my mind works sometimes, but it's my mind, I have to deal with it."

"How... does it work then?" Rhys inquired cautiously. Elliott stood still for a second, before getting his second GameCube controller and picking a random game from his pile. He opened the GameCube, took out the disc of the game he couldn't beat, spat on it and threw it across the room, before placing whichever game he'd chosen into the console and turning it on. He took his seat on the sofa, and if he hadn't just completely flipped out, it would've looked like he was playing any other game.

As the game loaded, Will and Rhys saw that it was XIII. On any other day, Elliott would've been preaching about how much he loved this game, but the moment was different now. Going straight for the multiplayer option, Elliott loaded the default map of 'Winslow Bank' and waited for the map to load. As it did, he pressed the R button to start, and explained very unclearly, "This is what my mind is like."

Holding down right on the C-stick as he played, Elliott's character wildly spun around in a clockwise direction. Trying to move was difficult, but he just about managed to get to an assault rifle and equip it, although when he was faced with an enemy, they easily shot him down as he struggled to fight back or get out of the way.

"The way I can't stop turning around, I'd say that's a problem, wouldn't you?"

Will and Rhys confusedly nodded.

"Well, I can either try to stop this problem, and then move on, or I can avoid tackling it and try to do things anyway."

As he spoke, his character came across a shotgun. Equipping it, the next player who rushed into him was blasted down by a lucky shot, despite the wild spinning of Elliott's character as he moved.

"Occasionally, I can still do things as well as I could if I wasn't randomly spinning around, but it's a problem and it doesn't go away, and if I can't tackle it... it just screws things up for me and gets in the way. Knowing you can't tackle a problem makes it so much worse. I know it's the right thing to do, it's just not easy."

In case they needed a further example, Elliott turned off the GameCube in the middle of the match and took out XIII, placing it back in the case with care. Picking another random game, he popped in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Starting a new game and skipping the cutscenes, he held down the A button, making the Prince jump once, and then leaving him unable to jump as the A button would need to be released and then pressed again.

"Can I keep playing the game with a handicap like this?"

Will took a good look at Elliott. He wasn't angry any more, he didn't care about the game, he was just scared. He didn't want to lose his hobby.

"In time, you'll-" Will found himself interrupted quickly.

"In time I'll get past it. In time, you can get past just about anything. But what goes with it? A car crash victim can get over the accident long before he feels comfortable getting into a car again." Elliott sighed. "I just don't want to lose this. I like gaming. I like it a lot."

"You've done it before though. You've done it with lots of things."

"Yeah, but the magnitude of this one... I think I'll probably get over it, but it'll take more time than some of the other things I've dealt with. Sorry, I guess I'm not exactly going to be fun to hang around with for the next few weeks."

"Elliott..." Will began, "If it helps, I never thought of you as fun to hang around with!"

Will's joke succeeded in extracting a smile from Elliott.

"We've all been through times that suck, but we can help you get through. Remember when I recommended 'Batman Begins' to you, and you liked the game so much that you watched the movie?"

"Yeah, why?"

Will cleared his throat and did a very bad impression of Alfred the butler.

"Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up!"

Elliott responded with his very best Christian Bale impression, which was still terrible. "You still haven't given up on me?"

"Never!"

Rhys laughed at the pair, getting through the problem the only way they knew how; like nerds! However, feeling that she could help a little, she added,

"I have a lot of work for the next few days, but I reckon I could pop round to check up on you every once in a while."

Elliott's smile grew bigger. "Thanks, I think that would help."

It did.

---

As it turned out the next day, Will was busy, but Rhys had the time to visit for half an hour or so. Elliott hadn't been able to bring himself to play any more games, and it only occurred to him once they were inside that he'd never actually had a private conversation with her. At first, he had no idea what to talk about.

"How are you holding up?" Rhys asked. "Any other hobbies you can fall back on?"

As Elliott scanned the room, he spotted his battered old copy of Matthew Reilly's 'Contest'. "Yeah, I've been known to read from time to time."

"Oh, that's good."

"Yep."

There was an awkward silence as neither of them could think of anything to say, before Elliott eventually took a stab at the conversation.

"What's your favourite book?"

Rhys had to think for a few seconds. "Probably Watership Down. Ever read it?"

"No, but I'll look into it. Mine is Art Spiegelman's 'Maus'."

"I've read that!"

The conversation continued, and although nothing major or life-changing came from it, it was still a success in distracting Elliott from his current problem, and he was truly grateful to Rhys for it.

---

A few days had passed, and this time, Rhys was absent whilst Will had arrived to check up on Elliott. They had gotten back to the stage where they could have a normal conversation without linking it to the problem at hand, although today, Elliott had a curious question about it. Lying on the sofa, whilst Will had taken the comfortable chair, Elliott posed the question in a way that wasn't inquisitive or demanding, but merely curious.

"Will, you said you played this game, right?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you got over it, but how did you just... get back into the schedule of playing other games so quickly? I know it'll take me longer, so I might as well know."

Will had to think for almost a minute before being able to respond, but the answer was more than satisfactory.

"I'm a gamer, it's who I am. I'd go insane if I stopped."

Elliott raised his eyebrows, but Will continued.

"I have a lot of extra time, I figure I might as well make myself useful. Trust me though, it wasn't as easy as you think it was. It wasn't just something I snapped back into."

Elliott had now gone to the enormous effort of turning onto his side so that he could face Will and hear his answer better.

"I had some problems with my last few games, but that was because I was internally conflicted. On the one hand, my enthusiasm was dropping, but on the other hand, I couldn't just abandon my greatest passion.

Elliott was focussed on what Will was saying now. It made a lot of sense.

"Gaming's one of the few things I'm actually good at. Saying no to it would be like telling myself that I'm not allowed to be good at anything in life. I couldn't accept that."

Elliott nodded in fascinated agreement.

"Don't get me wrong, I've had my doubts, and I've thought of throwing in the towel a few times, but I've always come back."

Will finished his answer and Elliott resumed his normal position on the sofa, thinking about what he had said. He did really want to play a game again, but even though he felt ready, he still wasn't sure. Thinking about it for a few more minutes, he turned on his side again and asked,

"Will? I've been thinking about which game I should play for my return, and I've got some ideas. Mind if I run some past you?"

Will smiled. "Sure, what are friends for?"

---

Rested, Relaxed, Restored, Recovered, Ready

The days turned into weeks, and a lot sooner than he had expected, Elliott felt ready to start again. After a dozen sessions of asking Rhys as many questions as he could come up with, and having long conversations with Will, he felt as if a great weight had been lifted from him; The wait was over, he was ready to game again.

He'd been nervous about starting again, going as far as waiting until he had specific confirmation from Rhys that the game he was going to try wouldn't cause him any problems, and he'd discussed it with Will, who had played it before, and asked him to judge whether it was suitable. Will was an excellent judge of what worked and what didn't.

Feeling more confident, more ready, and most importantly, more happy, Elliott took the new GameCube game out of it's case, examined it carefully, and placed it in the console before turning the power on. It was a great relief just to press the button again, something he'd thought would be impossible to go back to after 'the incident'.

Watching the opening sequence with fascination, he thought back to the help he'd received from Will and Rhys, and realised how much harder it would've been without their help. A new copy of 'Watership Down' even sat next to him. Nonetheless, right now, he was excited about starting this new game and making somewhat of a comeback to the hobby he'd loved.

He was ready to start again.

---

"There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed OK at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless."

(Page 259, Looking for Alaska, John Green.)

---

Ready to start again.

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Officially Unofficial g1 Awards

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 18:46:16 -0500

Another year, another load of games, another rip-off of another blog, this time the long awaited GENUINELY unofficial awards by Moocartoons, which I hope we're all looking forward to... There are some g1s on this site who deserve awards, but will not get them. It's not that they won't get votes or recognition, but rather the perfect award for them doesn't exist. So, since I had some free time and a pocket full of dreams, I conjured up a few more far-fetched awards that people wouldn't expect to get, but still deserve.

Don't worry though, this isn't a poorly-disguised flame blog. Well, except for the questionable first award. Anyway, with some music to set the mood (This is becoming a trend in my blogs...) let's begin!

Super Smash Bros Brawl (Mother 3) - Unfounded Revenge.

The 'g1 who can come close to being a douche, but that just makes us love them even more' award.

Winner: MadMikeo14 is a funny guy to talk to on Skype, except that he's Scottish, hungover sometimes, and really hates young-ish fanboys of games who pester him. On the bright side, he's Scottish, hungover sometimes, and really hates young-ish fanboys of games who pester him. He can sometimes be a little harsh, but he's a pretty funny guy in general, and he doesn't have an ounce of genuine malice in his body, except maybe towards certain ninjas. (Don't worry UN, Elmo loves you!)

Runner-up: *Shrug* Gimme a second, I'll pick a name out of a hat. Aww... I don't have a hat. Wait one more second, I'll go on Skype.

[01:13:20] Elmo 3000 says: Hey, does anyone in here have a hat?
[01:13:28] Bertram says: On?
[01:13:44] Elmo 3000 says: No, just in general
[01:13:52] Bertram says: Yes
[01:13:55] Elmo 3000 says: Oh
[01:13:59] Elmo 3000 says: Is it good?
[01:14:09] Bertram says: Yup :P
[01:14:30] Elmo 3000 says: Can I use the last 9 lines of this conversation, including this one and your response, in a blog?
[01:14:43] Bertram says: Yes
[01:14:48] Elmo 3000 says: Awesome

And so, there you have it. Bertram wins the award! That'll teach him to rub his hat in my face!

The "ZOMG THERE'S A GIRL ON THIS SITE!!!!!1!11!" Award

Winner: AlisonPrime joined ScrewAttack some time in mid 2008, and although she hasn't been active much on V4, her unique style of humour which more-often-than-not brought some game references into the equation was enough to keep enough of us entertained, all while she was making the dreams of adolescent nerds come true by showing that it's possible for a girl to like video games. Huzzah!

I seem to recall a couple of people saying her work was a bit immature (Or as they phrased it, 'boob jokes') but all I can remember from them is seeing a comic in which a guy attempts to charm the woman he likes, who is... also an android (These things make sense in comics, then sound really absurd out of context) by poking her with a magnet, at which point she screams, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" and he says, "Erm... foreplay?"

It's immature compared to the stuff I'd usually laugh at *Upper-class titter* but it still makes me chuckle. Although I have to give credit to the artists who worked with her, MatLee who did her most recent work, although she hasn't written for a while, and T-Link, who did her first few comics. They both get 'Comic artist of... something, award.'

Runner-up: SuperChunLi89 has not only sung her way into the quarter-finals of Thunderbird's 'My Voice Doesn't Suck' contest, but has also been entertaining us with GameL1bs, a quirky little series in which random, random words are chosen to fill gaps in stories. It's impossible not to smile when you hear her say 'FAAAAALCOOOOOON PAAAAAAAAAAAAWNCH!'

So these two awards are basically just my way of saying both 'Thanks for the shows' and 'Sorry that, collectively, the internet still blushes and stutters like an idiot when faced with the challenge of talking to a member of the opposite sex.' Have you beaten IWBTG? Yes! Have you got every console in the world? Yes! Are you able to write a 2000 word blog composed of inside jokes between you and other bloggers? Yes! Are you able to function properly when talking to a girl? ...

The 'Learn to spell your own name correctly!' Award (Sponsored by Grammar Nazis)

Winner: Darkseid. Seriously, how do you say it? Dark Seed? Dark Side? I'm guessing Dark Seed, because I know some people with the surname 'Reid' and it's pronounced 'Reed' but then again, what about the girl's name of Heidi? That has a 'Heid' that sounds like 'Hide!' Tell me, dangit! I must know these things!!!

Runner-up: Ultamite-Ninja. I'm sorry, but... it's Ultimate. Plus, I know you'd be annoyed if I made this list and didn't have you on it somewhere, hence this entire category.

The 'Your name makes it look like you work at ScrewAttack' Award

Winner: Righteous Brian. Let's be honest; we love the ScrewAttack members, but when you think about it, their nicknames aren't that great. Highschool Ben will never be taken seriously by stuck-up people on the internet on his youth, Craig has a stutter, Nick is nervous, Chad is just... the merchandise guy, Bryan likes to lance things (for free) and Corey is... Maxifent.

Then, you see RIGHTEOUS Brian. He's RIGHTEOUS! If there is evil in the world, RIGHTEOUS Brian will smite down the evildoers, because he's RIGHTEOUS! It's just such an awesome name! Makes me feel even more stupid for naming myself after a Sesame Street guy (Doesn't sound too stupid, but I never used to watch Sesame Street. Ever. I don't get the jokes people ask me about Grover...)

Runner-up: I was going to for Tom the Tremendous, but I think I'll pick Oldschool Master, mainly because if you ever listened to Podcast 7.9 (If you don't want to get ear cancer, I wouldn't advise listening anyway) you'd know that when he joined the site, he actually picked that name because he thought it was so awesome, the ScrewAttack members would have no choice but to see how awesome it was and give him a job there. That's the kind of story that just... makes you smile.

Plus, Oldschool Master does go away with the bonus award of 'Not insanely popular but one of the most incredibly nice guys on the whole freaking internet'. Well done, you deserved it.

The 'Worst Blogging Craze of the Year' Award

Winner: Although there were many pretty bad crazes, I have to go with interviews. Don't get me wrong, I like reading interviews sometimes. I've been interviewed by... Silent Protagonist, Thunderbird, Whitly, and JohnSonic007, which explains why if anyone wants to interview me now, I can't accept the gracious offer because I don't think I could tell anyone anything new.

Still, although there were too many SA novels for me to keep track of, and it was always more interesting in them if the author's character was incredibly awesome and kept doing everything to save the day... I think there were more interviews, and part of the problem I had with that was that at one point... everyone who did interviews seemed to get together, and then they'd interview each other! Waluigi, Flashpenny, Timmy The Juggling Man, many many more people... I can't point the finger and say which interviews specifically were good or bad, but the sheer amount of them made them a pretty bad craze.

Man, that just brought the mood of the blog down. I apologise.

Runner-up: Top 10s. I've made Top 10s. About 50% of g1s have made Top 10s. Top 10s in general ARE NOT BAD, but you have to actually put in the effort. Get some pictures, try to make a list that's original, but not really obscure (It's tough, but possible. I have one planned that I haven't seen before) and try to write more than a few lines for each choice. There's little worse than an obviously rushed Top 10.

Plus, even if you love Top 10s, dabble in other ideas too. Top 10 topics will eventually run out (Unless you're ScrewAttack) and it's best to have some other ideas planned. My main reason for this gripe is that I never really got as annoyed at Top 10s as other people did, until about a month ago on V4 when I noticed that ALL the blogs in the 'Most Viewed' tab were Top 10s. They're not bad, but you shouldn't rely on them for all of your blogs.

Feel free to enjoy writing a couple though.

The 'Your username implies there was once a racecar driver named Jerry' Award

Winner: Ihatepeace22. If you hate peace, how do you disturb it? With a racecar! If your name happens to be Jerry, and you hate peace... you see where I'm going.

Runner-up: Killroy. If your name is Jerry, and you have a racecar, and you want to run over someone named Roy... *Nods*

The 'V4 Talent' Award

Winner: Daniel Floyd. He likes video games (like the Game Overthinker,) he makes videos about issues with them (like the Game Overthinker,) he has a strong following on YouTube (like the Game Overthinker,) he's managed to get fans over here too (like the Game Overthinker) and he always presents a valid and interesting argument without offending anyone. *Pause*

Whilst various 'newbies' have arrived with the launch of V4, and various V3, V2, and possibly even a couple of V1 veterans are still here, none have shined like Daniel. He's a talented editor, he knows how to make a good point, and I expect to see some great things from him in the coming year.

Runner-up: The Game Underthinker. Even though I was mildly annoyed when this guy got on the rotation of the main site on the front page, I have to admit that his videos make me laugh. With the lightsabers, and the legos, and stuff. His style of blunt delivery and obvious but amusing humour makes him a pretty funny and valuable guy to the site.

The 'Would you just give him the spotlight already?' Award

Winner: Thunderbird. What sets him apart from other bloggers, apart from the fact that when describing him, the term 'He speaks his mind' actually means 'He speaks his mind', and not 'He's an outspoken jackass' like it normally does, he's very competitive. Admittedly, I can't look over his stuff and say 'This deserves the spotlight!' because I'm not a SA staff member, and have no idea just what does and doesn't belong there, but I can make some suggestions if they're struggling to find something good.

http://screwattack.com/blogs/Thunderbirds-blog/Thunderbirds-Top-10-Boss-Battles

Swish. While this Top 10 has been done a couple of times by g1s, it's always a really interesting topic (I believe I had the Basketball Bunny from Wario Land 2 on mine) and you can always count on a good blogger to have some well-known choices, and some underrated but epic encounters. Now, if you can count on that from a good g1, imagine what someone like Thunderbird could do with it, being a few dozen ratings above 'good'.

http://screwattack.com/blogs/Thunderbirds-blog/A-Whole-Year-of-Thunderbird

Nice little recap of the year on ScrewAttack, complete with Tales of Symph... Tales of blogging, gaming, and making some friends in the community. Yay!

I'm not trying to be one of those 'I suggest this guy's work cause I like him so shut up and give him the spotlight or I'll hate your face off!' guys, but Thunderbird is a little competitive, the spotlight would mean more to him than to some other g1s. It's not a crazy demand, just try to keep your eye open for some of his work.

Runner-up: ... Screw it, this goes to Thunderbird again. He wins it twice.

http://screwattack.com/videos/Killroy-vs-Thunderbird-Marvel-vs-Capcom-2

I don't know particularly why, but I really really really like this blog he made. "Your hair's even shorter now!"

Be warned, the final three categories are actually awards I was mildly serious about. No more joking about racecar drivers and whatnot, this is actually a section I had to think about.

The 'g1 who most deserves an award' Award

Winner: ShadowAddi. We didn't cross paths on great circumstances; Short blog by mainly-forums user. I leave sarcastic comment. He doesn't like said sarcastic comment. Admittedly, it was one of my 'sarcastic, verging on douchy' comments, but I didn't think in all honesty it would've been taken that seriously, considering the blog it was on. I have nothing against forum blogs, but I feel like a kindergarden teacher having to say 'Blogs go in the blog section. Forum stuff goes in the forum section. Mmmkay?' Sorry, but rules apply. Even to 'hilariously random' people.

If it helps, I can also clarify for a certain monkey that I don't think blogs have to be at least 1,000 words, or I have to love every single one of them, but 2-3 words is spam. Yes, sarcastic spam that sends a message, but still spam. It could be even be a parody of other spam, but it's still spam. Spam that gets progressively less funny as time goes on and more people sarcastically say, "I loved it! 11! I came! I'm going to have your babies! I won't give be either of their parents, BUT I'LL HAVE THEM!" but still spam... spam with inside jokes aimed at other forum users, but- you get the idea guys. There's an inside joke on the Skype chat of saying 'Mighty Machines!' when the chat dies down, but we don't blog it because it would make one or two of us laugh, and everyone else would think, 'What the hell is this?'

Not trying to divide the site or anything, just... having to explain... where things go.

Sorry for the minor rant/tangent... I love you all really. <3

So, I can understand my comment getting backlash, and then I see the guy reply sarcastically to Whitly. I mean, Whitly? Whitly?!? The one guy on the site who sometimes seems physically incapable of offending others? Come on...

...

And then I find out from a very liable source he's the 'Silent Protagonist' of the forums and he made a thread where he basically buys people VC games and such for no reason other than the goodness of his heart. You know what? Rather than calling him the Silent Protagonist of the forums, considering that thread, it might be time to start calling Silent Protagonist the 'ShadowAddi' of the blogs. That's just... wow. If there was a word for raising your eyebrows really really far because of how nice something someone is doing is... it would be 'ShadowAddi'.

Wow. Just wow.

Runner-up: I think I'm going to give this one to Tremendous Tom. He's a recent blogger, (well, compared to most of the people I talk about. Pekopon FTW!) but he's already reached such a high standard of quality, it's impressive. Plus, he made an online tutorial for people using the Project64 emulator on how to take it online. Plus, he played me at SSB, and didn't get annoyed with my repeated tactic of 'Use Ness, try to grab him, chuck him off an edge, Aerial-Down-A and knock him out with my tiny but powerful feet.'

So Tom is perfect for this category, the category of 'This guy definitely deserves an award, I'm not sure what I could give him.'

The 'Unspoken Elite' Award

Winner: Wandering Swordsman. This is the category for people who are elite, not elitist. They may not realise it. They may not even want to be the unspoken elite of the site, but with their writing and intelligence, they've gained, even if it was unintentional, some of the highest levels of respect on the site. If Wandering Swordsman likes your blog, chances are it's good. If he thinks it's bad, chances are it's bad. That's the kind of power they wield.

When I first came to the site about a year and a half ago, Swordsman was on the leaderboard, in the number 4 position I believe. Years later, although he's not on the leaderboard, he still commands a great deal of respect and power on the site. It might be because he has the uncanny ability to combine chatty, friendly talk with an intelligence which should technically make his brain the size of a watermelon. I think Russell Howard said this joke about Stephen Fry, but I'll steal it and adapt it; Hanging out with Wandering Swordsman would be like hanging out with Google.

"Hey Swordsman, what was the percentage increase in the birth rate of blue whales in the last 3 decades?"

"*Yawn* 13.472. Please, try to challenge me next time."

So even though he may not even realise this, Swordsman is seen, at least, by me, as one of the most intelligent people on the site. Which sucks for me, because I think he's actually younger...

Runner-up: Although it's a bit cliche to put a moderator on the list, digitaldebaser was the main 'moderator' when I joined, partly due to the simple but unavoidable fact that he was the highest on the leaderboard at the time, which doesn't automatically make him the best blogger or moderator, but does mean... he's pretty dang good. He did 'The Brutal Truth', a blunt (or rather, brutal) look at some video-game related news stories, he also made Im'Mortal Monday' blogs, and his tutorial for Sindel on Mortal Kombat 3 (I really hope I got that right actually...) somehow managed to keep me intrigued despite the fact I've never played the game.

Let's not forget that besides being the hand holding the banhammer at ScrewAttack, he also works on Debasedtothis, another gaming site with many members of this community over there, and many other members too. I'm not that active on that site for the same reason I don't play World of Warcraft, I really don't have enough time at the moment. I STILL haven't started 'The Twin Snakes, even though I got it more than half a year ago.

The Award for Hard Worker on ScrewAttack of 2009

Just 4 simple letters reveals the identity of the blogger who I believe has really earned this title. He's pretty well-known around here, and he's participated in a lot. He was on a Room 101 blog with me, he's done countless 'Let's Play's that only really gained my attention after he dared to attempt the IWBTG inspired NES game. He's also done some commentaries, he has some editting skills when it comes to videos and blogs alike, and if that's not enough for you...

He kicks winter's ass.

http://screwattack.com/videos/Tren-vs-Winter-first-round

Congratulations Tren! Tren is one of the more hardworking people on ScrewAttack who isn't exactly... overlooked and underrated, but still underappreciated. He's that kind of blogger that people know and people like, but he never seems to get the credit to go with that. If anybody well-known person on the site left, we'd feel like something was missing, but with Tren would go some of the most entertaining videos and lists out there.

He still manages to upload regularly, he's a community figure, he does blogs and videos alike and he's been working steadily for the last year without as much appreciation as he deserves. So congratulations, Tren!

And so, as we come to the end of Two Thousand Nine (This blog is 28 days late) and approach Two Thousand Tren (Zing!) let's all... join hands or something and look forwards to the funkiness that 2010 can and will bring us. Hooray!

Oh, and don't forget to check out the real unofficial g1 awards by moocartoons some time this weekend, I think. It'll be a lot better than this.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 61: Un'Titled'

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 16:33:19 -0500

Sidenote: As I write this, the most viewed blog of the last 24 hours is an entry by a rather polite Mr 'Troll troll troll', who seems to have a strange, albeit very, very short problem with Stuttering Craig. As much as it's a good thing that people jumped in to fight the troll, it seems you forgot what to do. Do not comment on a blog like that. Do not do ANYTHING on a blog like that. Report it to a moderator, and ignore it. Otherwise, it ends up in the most viewed section.

Hell, I would go as far as giving you some wiggle-room. If you see a blog like that, and nobody has commented on it, you MAY comment on it once, purely to say, "I am sending this to a moderator." This is so that if anyone else sees it, they see that it has been sent to a moderator, and they're reassured that they don't have to. The troll gets banned, the blog gets rightfully ignored, the moderators don't get swamped, and I won't say you can't go on the blog and rate it as low as you like, as long as you don't partake in anything else to do with it. In other words...

Do not feed the troll.

Now, on with the rant! My topic today is a particularly special game very close to my heart...

Tales of Symphonia.

Tales of freaking Symphonia.

I love this game a lot. It's one of my favourite GameCube games, and as I love my GameCube, it's one of my favourite games as a whole too. There are so many awesome things about this game, I could easily churn out a Top 10 of the things that make this game different from the average Action/Adventure/RPG, or even a Top 10 Sidequests, or maybe even a Top 10 Characters (I like the history behind Yuan.)

But, my one flaw in this beautiful game is also one of the most annoying. Titles.

They're closest to 'Achievements' when it comes to describing them, except they don't have that much of a reward. The ones you choose can change how much different character attributes are increased when you level up. Most of them are just there to be collected for the sake of 100% completion of the game.

Get the title of Berserker by fighting 256 battles in Mania. Not actually that hard.

Unfortunately, these titles come in a few shapes and sizes. Some of them are gained automatically along the way. Some of them are gained by a few side-quests. Sometimes they're just gained by levelling up, or talking to someone at a specific time.

On a tangent/separate ranting note, Genis is the only character in the game who doesn't get a title when he reaches level 100! What's up with that? He's an awesome character, and since the levelling up is (Thank goodness) similar to Super Mario RPG in which your character doesn't need to be fighting, just in the party to gain EXP points, it's not hard to get him to Level 100 if you get everybody else there too. I honestly can't see why they didn't give him a Level 100 title...

Anyway, then there are the annoying titles. Most of them are annoying because they're long and boring. Some of them are annoying because they have a certain time to be done which you can't miss. Some of them are annoying because they have to take place on separate playthroughs. Some of them are annoying because they're just... hard!

So I thought about all the titles, and jotted down the most annoying. Be warned, these are subjective, and most annoying to me means the hardest to get, rather than the most brain-numbingly stupid. Ones that are easy to get, but stupid will not appear on this list, so sorry to anyone who was expecting to see Presea's 'Fragile Shield' title in which you have to have your guard break 10 times in the same battle, which can practically only be done by commanding everyone else to stay still except her, getting close to an enemy, then turning your back on them, guarding, and waiting for them to hit you. There, I mentioned it anyway. Also, Regal gets a title is he uses 5 potions on himself in one battle. Why anyone would ever have to do that is beyond me.

I might as well throw in the honourable mention; every character has a cooking title. These titles are gotten by getting all recipes from the Wonder Chef (He's an awesome character who appears, randomly disguised as 'out of place' objects you must examine for him to appear, and then disappear after teaching you the recipe, in a cloud of smoke. Awesome.) Then each character cooks the recipe to gain experience of it and improve their skill with it. Your skill with each recipe starts at 2 stars beneath whatever the maximum skill is, and by cooking successfully 6 times, you fill up those 2 stars. Strangely, if you attempt to cook and fail, that raises your experience the same amount as 2 successful attempts. Go figure.

Anyway, some areas in the game can be destroyed and/or you could be unable to return. I missed a Wonder Chef location. Ergo I had to wait until the next playthrough to get my cooking titles.

Just before I start with the really annoying titles, I might as well point out, this blog contains minor spoilers to Tales of Symphonia. Minor as in, they won't affect the game that much, but may mention something in passing, a location you haven't found yet, a character you don't know yet, or something you just don't understand at the current point in the game. If I was about to play Tales of Symphonia for the first time and I read this, it would ruin a couple of things for me, and since I love the game so much, I wouldn't want it to be ruined by anyone else.

As for some fitting music, how about the music from the... (awful pun) TITLE screen!

*Crickets chirp* Well, here it is anyway.

The most annoying titles in Tales of Symphonia.

15) Lloyd's 'Combo Master'

Requirements: Complete a 100-hit combo on an enemy.

Your basic combo in this game with Lloyd is hitting the enemy four times. Of course, then you can use a Level 1 skill and use of some of your TP (Tech points) and if this skill is something like 'Sword Rain', you get another six or so hits. Then you can use a Level 2 attack, and then Level 3. My personal set-up with Lloyd is a four-hit combo (Forward attack, forward attack, middle attack... your middle attack is 2 hits) followed by Sword Rain, Tiger Rage, Raining Tiger Blade. The problem here is that your team-mates often don't attack when your attack finishes, thus ending the combo. This is one of those titles that falls under the category 'Easy when you know how'.

If you want a chance of getting this, two words: Unison Attack. Get Genis to use any advanced magic spell (Preferably Ground Dasher or Tidal Wave as they score 10+ hits) and set Raine to use Ray. When the unison attack ends, Raine and Genis will do a combo attack of 'Prism Stars' which hits 30 times. If Lloyd uses something like Raining Tiger Blade in the attack and the other character uses something that gets 4 or 5 hits, this title shouldn't be too hard to get, just start a Unison Attack after your combo reaches about 40. Especially if you're against a big enemy (Try the Dragon in the Earth Temple.)

14) Presea's 'Poke Poke'

Requirements: Watch the 'Paw' skit.

Very few titles in Tales of Symphonia are gained through skits. One for Zelos, one for Kratos (It's mandatory though) one for Regal, and... this one! The reason this goes on the list is because if you're not waiting for it, you're guaranteed to miss it. At one point in the game, you go to Mizuho village, and get told your next location. Obviously, what you would do next is go to your next location, right?

Or, you can wait outside it for ages and ages, never going in, until finally, you can activate a small skit. (Non-Symphonia people: A skit is when the Z button appears at the bottom of the screen and you can activate a nice little scene in which the characters talk to each other about something, quest-related or just... stupid and funny. There's no voice acting but their mouths move, it looks nice.)

You get one guess as to who's saying it. (Clue: It's the top-right person.)

13) Lloyd's 'Brave Soul'

Requirements: Get to a battle more than halfway through the game without ever running away from a battle before.

This title is low on the list because it's the one hard title that I got by accident that I think a lot of other people could get by accident too. Seeing as this game has a rather unique battle system, running away isn't the same as running away in a Pokemon game, in which you save time and you save PP from your moves. In Symphonia's battle system, TP (Tech Points, like PP) let you do special moves, but you can still do some damage from your normal attacks and guarding. Thus, unless you're over-levelled, in which running away doesn't take much time, it's easier to just take on the enemy quickly without using too much effort.

A little example of a Symphonian battle. It's from very early in the game.

So this title falls into the strange category of being possible to get by accident, but fairly unlikely. It's one of those annoying titles that you wouldn't guess existed unless you looked it up or got it, although that covers quite a lot of the remaining titles too.

12) Colette's 'Friendship First'

Requirements: Don't let anyone in your party collapse in battle until after the boss battle with Iubaris.

While this title sounds nice, and indeed IS nice, it's almost impossible to get when you're unaware of it. Yep, another one of those kinds of titles.

Not letting anyone in your party collapse is like going through Pokemon with all your Pokemon being the same level and fighting in massive four-on-four fights without any of them ever fainting. It's tough. True, Raine joins early on so she can heal you, but she runs out of TP pretty fast and is otherwise... useless, and without healing powers, easy to kill, henceforth losing you this title.

To be fair, there are healing items in the game called 'Gels', but I'll get to that later.

11) Lloyd's 'Eternal Apprentice'

Requirements: Do not un-equip Lloyd's Wooden Blade, even for a second, until after the boss battle with Kilia.

Nobody even wants to be called an 'Eternal Apprentice'. That doesn't sound good, does it? Although the title sounds fairly dull, it's actually pretty hard, especially if you're not doing this on one of your special second playthroughs where you get twice as much EXP, (Or if you somehow acquire 3000 Grade to spend at the 'New Game' screen, you can get ten times as much. Not easy, bearing in mind it costs 1000 just to keep your titles.)

Anyway, in most games like this, your character starts with a fairly crappy weapon, then upgrades later on. However, to get this title, you have to keep your original weapon, the fairly useless wooden blade, equipped until a boss battle which I'd say is about 1/9th into the game. That doesn't sound long, but it took me 30 hours to finish my most recent run, also my third, also only really being done so I can get all the titles. Hence this blog. To give you a little idea of the length of this game, I finished my third playthrough rushing through, but the total time of all three playthroughs is just more than 180 hours.

Having spent 180 hours on it both makes me feel like I've spent a lot of time on it (180 hours!) but at the same time makes me feel like I haven't spent enough time on it, considering I could repeat my entire progress on the game by pulling an all-weeker. Well, an all-weeker and another 18 hours.

10) Colette's 'Dog Lover'

Requirements: Speak to every dog in the game with Colette as your avatar. She'll give them all different names.

This is one of those titles which would be easier if no locations in the game were ever changed or destroyed. I count 7 dogs out of the 30 you have to name that are in locations which later change. Out of those locations that change, the only one that keeps a dog is... one of them, and it's a town that previously had 2, so if they kept the wrong one, you're screwed. If these dogs were in different locations, this title would be available all the time.

Wiser words have rarely been spoken...

This title also starts the wave of dissatisfaction with reward for your efforts. You named all 30 dogs, and you get one title and a few lines where Colette talks about how all the dogs can live together in peace with her. Being someone who can go from serious to childish quickly, I'm not sure whether this amuses me or infuriates me. The childish side of me is too busy watching Pingu to care, but the adult side of me... is also too busy watching Pingu to care. I really do love that plasticene penguin.

9) Kratos' 'War God' or Zelos' 'Elegant Swordsman'

Requirements: Get Kratos (Or Zelos) to Level 100.

You might be wondering why either one of these characters could fulfil these requirements. Well, the simple answer, and relatively large spoiler for a part of the game, is that at one point, you can determine whether Zelos stays in your party, or whether Kratos rejoins you. So, this pretty much guarantees you'll need two playthroughs, which isn't that bad considering you need a minimum of three to get ALL titles.

The problem is, every party member is a similar level. At most, there's a 2 level gap sometimes, and that's usually when someone has just levelled up and/or someone is about to level up. So, when you level up your character to Level 100, you'll get all their titles pretty quickly. Well, if not for the fact that you have to do it again next playthrough for the ONE character you missed. Now, your first instinct might be, "It can't be that bad, half of Level 100 is Level 50!" which I'll admit is what I thought for about 2 seconds before I remembered the different amounts of EXP for each level. I got Kratos to Level 100 eventually, but the rest of my characters were Level 90 by the time I got it.

There's an equippable item called the Demon's Seal, which gives the character 100% more EXP (Actually, the EXP you get is the EXP for killing the enemies, plus EXP for getting combos and doing well. You only get 100% more of the EXP from killing the enemies, not combos) but also gives you random status effects. Luckily, you can equip TWO charms in the game, so you can also equip the Krona Symbol which nullifies all status effects. Even so, it still takes ages and ages.

This again makes me wonder why Genis doesn't have a Level 100 title. If you were going to leave one out, surely you should've left out Zelos or Kratos! I mean, since Kratos are both guaranteed to be in your party at some point, it IS possible to get this in one run, but in the same way that it's possible to get your starter Pokemon in Red to Level 100 before you leave Viridian Forest.

8 ) Exactly one Beach Title

Requirements: After the Flanoir Doctor Scene, do the beach costume sidequest.

This doesn't sound hard, but you'd have to hear me out to know my annoyance. You can get an individual costume for every character (And that's all the costume you'll get for Kratos; It's rare for him to rejoin your party unless you know how) and you get formal outfits for everyone too. Let me break down how the formal ones work; Do a sidequest, get invited to a party. Lloyd gets his outfit automatically, and when you enter the party, the receptionist says, "Your companion is waiting for you on the rear terrace." and you get to pick who Lloyd thinks it is. You can then talk to 3, and only 3 of your other party members whilst they are dressed formally, which gives them their titles. Then you automatically go to the terrace and speak to who Lloyd predicted, giving them a title too. 5 titles out of 8 in one run.

The beach costumes are more annoying. Lloyd still automatically gets his, but only 3 other people get their's, and Lloyd even only has a choice over just one of them. The other two are picked depending on how high their affection is towards Lloyd. That means in the long run, you get 4 titles in one run, another 3 next run (Another 4 really, but one of them is Lloyd again, impossible to change) and therefore you require another run just to get the last one. Irritating.

It would be higher, except for two things; First, there's another title later that also requires three runs, and secondly... the costume titles don't increase any stats when levelling, but they DO change your appearance in battle, cutscenes, and... in general. Tomorrow, in page 7 of the Argos catalogue under 'Symphonia'...

Genis is a Katz, Colette is a maid, and Lloyd is a pirate. Surreal when you consider these guys will save the world.

7) Raine's 'Monster Collector'

Requirements: Encounter every enemy in the game, then go see Professor Nova. He'll give you the title.

This is another title which is hard purely because of the amount of searching you need to do. Trying to get some of these beasts to appear is like looking for Chansey in Pokemon Gold during the day. Not going to happen for at another 12 hours of searching. The worst offenders in this list have to be... well for starters, any monsters that appears in a place that gets destroyed later on. Plus, completing this title means completing just about every sidequest in the game, since a lot of them require fighting a hidden boss, such as Seles in the Colisseum, 3 previous Tales characters also in the Colisseum, Abyssion, Maxwell, Hell Knight, Living Armor...

Still, the worst offenders of all are the ones that are always out there, but never show up. The worst of these have to be the 'Gentleman' who appears on the same island as Altamira and strongly resembles the strange 'Clay Golem', and also takes around 20 minutes to find. Other than that, the 'Insect Plant' found in the forest area between Asgard and Luin takes the longest to find. It sounds fairly easy but is actually huge and tough to beat if you happen to wander across it when you actually need to get between Asgard and Luin, rather than returning later.

Plus, this title also requires a minimum of 2 playthroughs, since (FAIRLY LARGE SPOILER) depending on your affection for Zelos, it's possible to fight him (Thus creating the space in your party that Kratos fills) and if not, you just fight a really easy thing called the 'Gatekeeper'. Of course, it's impossible to fight both on the same run, and you need them both entered into the Monster List for Raine to collect the title.

6) Genis' 'I Hate Gels'

Requirements: Don't use gels until the first battle with Pronyma. Genis must be one of the four who fight her.

This is why I didn't care much for my second playthrough of the game. Imagine I'm getting along well, but it's before I've beaten Kilia, which is quite a bit before you beat Iaburis, which is a long time before your first encounter with Pronyma. I had to face boss battles using Lloyd's crappy Wooden Blade, whilst not letting any team members die, whilst not using any healing items. It was pretty dang tough!

There are 6 different types of Gel in the game, Apple Gel restoring 30% of your health, Lemon Gel restoring 60% of your health, Orange Gel restoring 30% of your TP, Pineapple Gel restoring 60% of your TP, Melange Gel restoring 30% of both, and Miracle Gel restoring 60% of both. None of which you're allowed to use. Admittedly, since you have to do a minimum of three playthroughs, it would be a lot wiser for you if you got this on a different playthrough from 'Friendship First'.

The final annoyance of this title is that if you succeed and don't use gels all the way until your first battle with Pronyma, which is halfway through the freaking game, if you forget to have Genis in your chosen fighting four, you don't get the title anyway.

5) Zelos' Gigolo

Requirements: Talk to every female NPC in the game with Zelos as your avatar with his 'Personal' EX Skill equipped. Then talk to Sebastian, Zelos' butler, with Zelos as your avatar.

Using EX Gems, you can get various different skills, and everyone's 'Personal' skill is different. Zelos, being cocky and arrogant, but handsome, which makes you irresistible to women, has the power to talk to women, and for some reason, make them give him gifts.

This is useful in some cases, since if you equip him with two 'Rabbit's Foot' charms and send his luck high, he has a chance of getting the hourglass from a woman, an item which can only be gotten this way. He also gets much better items in general. I've achieved a goal of getting 30 energy tablets (They restore 30% of HP, but for the whole party) in about half an hour just talking to women as him.

It's also fairly interesting to see the dialogue, since every woman's response is different.

Doing well so far...

Going according to plan...

Kelp.

Females reading this blog (All three of you) why not surprise your significant other with some delicious kelp? I can guarantee he'll be surprised!

This title would be a lot higher, but there is a cheap trick to getting it. Very near the end of the game, you have to rescue your friends, who are in pairs, and when you've rescued them all, you continue on the path to the final boss. Except, you can actually turn around once you've rescued them all (Don't approach the final path, you'll get a special item that ruins the time limit of this trick) and backtrack all the way back to Zelos' house and talk to his butler, who will give you the title regardless of how many women you've talked to. This is the way nearly everyone gets the title, since as always, areas get destroyed, some women you can't talk to, and sometimes the internet guides just aren't complete.

4) Genis' 'Figurine Collector'

Requirements: Complete the figurine book and show it to Harley in Asgard.

This is one of those titles that's completely possible, but really long and boring. After a bit of the game, go to Asgard and search the buildings for Harley, who will give you this book and 7 plain pellets. Then you can go to Dirk, Lloyd's Dad, and he'll be able to customize the pellets into figurines. Over the game, he can do this to the four different types of pellets; Plain (Just called 'Pellets'), Fine Pellets, Super Pellets, and Rare Pellets.

The reason this title takes so long is partly because you can carry a maximum of 30 of each pellet at a time, and partly because rare pellets are really hard to get. Apart from finding a few in treasure chests, you have to get most of them the same way you get the others; stealing.

Using Level 1, 2, 3, and 4 EX gems, you can organise the following skills for Colette. 'Sharp-eyed' 'Magical' 'Lucky' and 'Stat Boost'. These combine to give her a bonus skill with which she is always guaranteed to steal any available object when she uses 'Item Thief' on an enemy. The down side is that this move is slow, can only steal one item per enemy, and if an enemy is defending when the move hits, it doesn't work.

The creatures you need to steal from are the Jellyfish in Meltokio Sewers for Pellets, the Giant Snails in the Earth Temple for Fine Pellets, the Lobo(s) in the Ice Temple for Super Pellets, and... the Phantom Knight, probably the toughest non-boss enemy in the game, encountered very very late... and you have to stroll up to him and perform the slow 'Item Thief' move and hope it works so you can claim your Rare Pellets.

If that's not enough, just using the pellets is confusing. Rare Pellets don't actually make ANY figurines by themselves, and have to be mixed with others. However, they can also be wasted, for example, if you give Dirk a Rare Pellet and a Fine Pellet, he can just make a Fine Pellet figurine and waste the Rare one. Dang.

So, in a very time-consuming fashion, it's best if you gather lots and lots of pellets that aren't rare, then give them to him so that he has no other figurines to make when you include a Rare Pellet in the mix. For this, you need 90 Pellets, 61 Fine Pellets, and 50 Super Pellets. If he makes all the figurines available, you can check by saving next to the conveniently placed savepoint, and then giving him another fine pellet and seeing if he says he couldn't use it.

Still... after that, you still have to give him 20 Rare Pellets with Pellets, 20 Rare Pellets with Fine Pellets, and 47 Rare Pellets with Super Pellets to complete the book. Now you see why it gets to number 4 on the list of the most annoying titles.

I hope I never have to say 'pellet' as long as I live.

3) Lloyd's 'Gung Ho'

Requirements: Beat the battle with Rodyle with 4 characters whose combined levels are less than 145, although I've heard it can be done lower.

This title is the hardest to get for Lloyd, and it's just... a really bad title in general. Awful in fact. Terrible. You have to deliberately keep yourself at the lowest level possible, avoiding all fights and running away from enemies, barely surviving the boss fights, until the battle with Rodyle more than halfway through the game!

There are minor things you can do to help yourself, since in a visit to the Grade shop before playthroughs, you can spend 50 Grade on the lovely, amazingly awesome ability to... play the game getting 1/2 the EXP from all battles. I did this, and I was STILL barely able to get this title. If you're going to make a title for fighting at a low level, why would you have it so far into the game? It's impossible to do well in the fights without getting bonus EXP for it, so you have to be a really low level, get through the fights, and suck at them too.

It wouldn't help if you were also using a wooden blade without the aid of gels and trying not to let any party members die... some titles really would be impossible to coincide. I especially wouldn't like to get any characters to Level 100 on the same run as this title. Urgh. Overall, this title is really annoying, it makes the entire playthrough harder, and if they were going to have it, it should've been earlier in the game. Pah.

2) Genis' 'Item Collector'

Requirements: Encounter every item in the game, then talk to a guy named Koton on Hakonesia Peak, who gives you the title.

Remember when I talked about that one beach costume? It was a little annoying, but not a lot considering this is the title that guarantees a minimum of three playthroughs long before you even consider the costumes. Besides, the costumes are easy to get in each playthrough. Getting this title is hard. One of the hardest things in the game.

For one thing, there are several strange items that seem impossible to get. There's the 'Kannazuki', a robe for Sheena given to her from a person she rescues in a sidequest. However, he doesn't give it to her when she rescues him. Nope, he waits until you go through the door that leads to the final boss, then you have to go all the way back to him and talk to him again. It's not even a special scene, he says he finds it whilst 'cleaning out'. Wanker.

There's another sidequest which has you seeking a man named Aifread which ends uneventfully. I completed it on my first playthrough, and didn't realise that you talk to a relatively unrelated person in this quest, and he gives you an item for it. Great. Then there's getting the Red Rosemary, a herb which increases your... something. Accuracy or HP or TP or something. This depends on something called a Rune Bottle, an item dropped by enemies which is described as 'Has the power to transform items'. That doesn't sound to me like it's true purpose, which is, 'Has the power to upgrade items.' Use it on an Apple Gel and it becomes a Lemon Gel, and use it on some Rosemary and it becomes... you guessed it, Red Rosemary!

Oh, and in a quick note, if you find something called a Mythril Ax (No spelling mistake) for Presea in a certain ranch, do NOT throw it away or sell it. It can be customized for a different axe, which is the only way to get this different axe in the whole game. Great.

But by far the most annoying set of collected items is in the 'Special items/Key items' section. At a certain point in the game, your character interacts in a scene of pretty good voice-acting and character development in Flanoir. The problem is, whoever tries to speak to you depends on their affection towards you, and you need to speak to three specific people on your three different runs. If you speak to anyone else on any of the runs, you're screwed.

If it helps, the three you need to talk to are Colette, Kratos and Zelos. Colette is pretty easy to talk to, since on your first run through the game, she'll probably end up your most loving character by default. It's fairly easy to get Kratos' affection high, but Zelos is one tough cookie. Three runs. Three characters. Three key items they give you. So not only do you have to get the items, but you have to pay at the Grade shop for the data in your 'Item Collection' book to be carried over from game to game. Ack.

So, what title could possibly be worse than this?

1) I hate this title so very much, apart from Figurine Collector, it's the only one I've got left to get...

Sheena's 'Treasure Hunter'

Requirements: Open EVERY TREASURE CHEST IN THE ENTIRE GAME, then talk to a sleeping 'Katz' on Katz Island.

Whilst the other titles are annoying sometimes, none of them have succeeded in this level of pain-in-the-assery. Not only do about a third of the treasure chests in the game appear in locations you can only visit once, or locations that get destroyed, but it seems to be the only title which suffers from some kind of glitch.

This title is the worst title in the world to have a glitch on. There are Xbox Live Achievements that make gamers wet themselves that would be better to be glitched than this one. This glitch isn't like other glitches; It doesn't always wreck the title, and it doesn't always go swimmingly.

To show the kind of annoyance this title presents, I have to ask you to put yourself in the shoes of someone like me who has every title other than this and Figurine Collector (Which is annoying, but I can get it any time,) someone who wanted this title and was so desperate to that he even checked an online guide with many happy readers who say it worked for their games. I got the agonising result of 99.6%. That means I'm one chest away.

The worst thing is, there are Katz booths in several cities, and you pay them to tell you, amongst a few other things, if you've missed any treasure chests, and they've all said NO. I've gotten everything. I've checked and double-checked every dungeon, every town, every temple, every location that I wouldn't be able to return to when I left, EVERYWHERE. Bearing in mind I was also using for help a guide which other people said they got 100% with. But still, nothing. That's not even the worst thing about this, you know what it is?

I know it's possible, because I almost got it on another playthrough.

I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but on my last playthrough, I missed a chest in a base which I cannot return to. I still had this save file, so curiously enough, I paid the local Katz. They said I was missing one chest. I go to Katz Island to check my progress... 99.6%. If I'd gotten that one f***ing chest, the title would be mine by now. This both relieves me as I know my specific copy of the game doesn't have a glitch, and infuriates me as I got this chest, and all previous chest, the last time round.

It instills a feeling of self-doubt too. Did I actually miss a chest? Did I really make a mistake? Did I somehow manage to screw up reading a guide? The answer to which is, NO. I've checked and re-checked the guides. I've looked along the areas myself. I haven't LIVED off the guides, so I've still searched around for good measure. I've paid the Katz and all of them say I have no more chests to be found. I have officially found every last effing chest in the game. If you can't tell, doing all that and not getting the title is really, really pissing me off. Not the greatest title to want if you have OCD. I GOT THE CHESTS. I OPENED ALL OF THEM. I FULFILLED THE TITLE REQUIREMENTS! THE CHEST... IS A LIE!

There are a few possibilities, so I'll lay them out.

a) I, and other people on the internet are mysteriously missing one chest throughout this game, although it's a different chest each time. Very, very unlikely.

b) I found a chest containing an item I had full capacity of, and in my hurry I didn't throw one away so I could still take the contents. Unlikely. Possible, instills the feeling of self-doubt, but I'm confident I didn't do that.

c) I died to a boss and forgot to re-open a chest. Well, there's one boss in the game I died to, and there were no treasure chests in between me and them anyway. I'm not 'l33t' at this game by any means, but I'm pretty good at it. Very, very, very, very unlikely.

d) A glitch means that something which shouldn't be counted as a treasure chest is, such as a sidequest or which playthrough it is, is being counted as a treasure chest and interfering. A bit likely.

e) I'm actually missing a chest and the Katz are glitching. As much as I would LOVE to hear from fellow Symphonia players with help for this problem, I don't think suggesting chests would be helpful unless you genuinely think I missed them. Bearing in mind, I got the ones in the Towers of no return, I got the ones in the Tethe'alla base, I got the one behind a rock on Fooji Mountains, I got the one in the first mousehole in Meltokio Sewers, I got the one behind a pillar in Thoda Geyser, I got the one you need to shoot rocks off of in the Triet Ruins, I got the one that appears in Iselia Ranch on Disk 2, and I got the two at the entrance of Toize Valley Mine, and the one further inside behind some carts. These are the most frequently 'You must have missed these!' suggestions, and I'm afraid I've got them all. Thus, this is pretty unlikely too.

Oh, and one more option.

f) This is the only cripplingly horrible (albeit miniscule and only irritating to perfectionist like me,) flaw in the entire game and I hate this problem with every fibre of my being. Gah. Very likely.

I'll end with some proof that I'm not alone. Here are some other complaints I found from the interwebs.

'grannyplayer' on the Gamespot forums.

"Over the course of having played through this game no fewer than 8 times, I have never been able to get Sheena's Treasure Hunter title. Every single time, I end up with 99.5%. And yes, I've checked and cross-checked every list available in FAQs and walkthroughs on this site, including the admirable (and certainly complete) walkthrough by kratos 15354. If nothing else, I know kratos' list is complete because he clearly states that he got the title on his first playthrough with the list of chests that appears in his walkthrough."

'TvTropes' website, page of annoying sidequests.

"Tales Of Symphonia has a few annoying sidequests, but none quite as bad as getting Sheena's Treasure Hunter title. It requires you to find every treasure chest in the game, a feat that is made significantly harder by several factors, such as many of them being well-hidden, others rendered inaccessable after certain points (most notably almost every chest from the human ranches and the two late-game visits to the Tower of Salvation), and possibly a glitch in counting (many Katz will give you an incorrect count for the number of chests you've missed in an area, and there are several reports of people getting stuck at 99.6% despite using a guide for the ENTIRE game.)"

'NephilimofHail', also on the Gamespot forums (I don't go there, but they got results in my Google search.)

"It's everywhere! A constant problem. Treasure Hunter Title. 99.6%!!!!!!!!!

Has anyone ever actually gotten this title?! Huh?! What chest is everyone missing?! I've done painstaking research and checklists. I have EVERY chest in the game!

THE KATZ LIIIIIE!!!! THERE IS NO 0.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

'Attack_kitty' on the Namco forums, in the ToS area.

"

Elmo's Rants: 60: Hey, Theism!

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:10:43 -0500

Alright people, the day has finally arrived again when I've been angry enough to write a genuine rant. The good news is, expect an enthusiastic rant on my topic. The bad news is, it's controversial. Not one for the spotlight, but not one bad enough to get me banned (I think...)

Now, I usually tackle controversial subjects in a lighthearted way, how they probably should be tackled on a gaming website. However, I'm someone who spends a lot of time on the internet, and there seems to be a rule about the correlation.

As time spent on the internet increases, hatred for the world goes up. It's how trolls are born!

You'd be surprised how proud I was feeling when I completed this picture.

So, after a while of gradually getting annoyed at a problem, I figured 'Screw it! I'm going to pull a Whitly and not be afraid to talk about religion.' The main reason anyone would feel afraid is either that they fear they're going to offend someone, or they have views that are... well, GOING to offend someone. Hence why I'd like to start with the following disclaimers.

If you are an atheist, I have nothing against you. I'm a Christian. If you're not, that's fine. If you're a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic, if you follow any other belief at all, it's none of my concern and I won't treat you any differently because of it, as long as it's not harmful to others (eg, Nazis, paedophiles. I know it seems stupid to have to actually say that, but you'd be surprised how often arsey people say things like, "Oh, so I should respect your beliefs? WHAT IF YOU WERE A PAEDOPHILE?" as if that's an effing valid point. Wankers.)

With that being said, one group is really beginning to piss me off. Not the good guys in the religion; pretty much every religion has good people and bad people. I'll freely admit that some people who do things in the Christian name are in fact, total pricks. The media really only cover three kinds of Christian. The kind who get into a position of power and then lecture people on how they'll burn in the fires of hell for things like abortion and homosexuality, the kind who stand on street corners handing out leaflets, and the kind that come door to door (That's never actually happened to me. I feel a bit sorry for them now. I'd let them in and give them a biscuit.)

I can guarantee that's not how all Christians act. Heck, I've moved a few times with my family, and I've been to three major church communities. I've gotten to know the people there, and I can guarantee you 100%, if it was in the middle of a service, and passing muslim walked in and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but my car won't start, can anybody help me push-start it?" not a single person would think, "Ew, we're not helping him!"

Like I've said, I'll admit there are bad Christians, and they seem to be the ones who regularly get into the news too (Great...) but from the sample I've seen, I've got 100% nice people. Non-racist, non-homophobe, not demeaning to people with other beliefs, nice! Heck, a guy named Crawford from one of my old churches used to put sweets in his hand before shaking hands with people! That's awesome!

But I'm not going to paper over the fact that there ARE bad people from my belief. The kind that get on the news, the kind that get noticed, and the kind that go to the funerals of gay people with signs that say "God hates f**s" and then disturbingly receive extra credit from their school, who fear a lawsuit from the kid's grandfather, Fred Phelps, a preacher who used to run for senate who harbours strong anti-gay feelings. (Wikipedia him, or check page 230 of 'Downsize This'.) Don't blame me, I'm British, on February 18th last year we banned the c*** from coming over here.

I also want to note that that on the Wikipedia page, it tells me that he has been denounced by 'Christians of virtually every denomination'. Whoopee! Good to see I'm not the only one comfortable with saying, "That guy, even if he says he's a Christian, is a horrible, horrible person."

But I need to stop going off on wild tangents that could bring the banhammer on me if I mis-type a word. Trust me when I say I'm going to spellcheck the crap out of this.

My problem, and reason for writing this blog (I'll admit, it's not so much that I think this is an interesting topic for a gaming website, moreso that I really need to vent some rage) is a select few people from another certain belief. I'm not sure if it counts as a belief actually, some people say it is, some people say it is a lack of a belief, I'm not sure, choose for yourself. If you can't tell from that hint, and the title of the blog, it's the Atheists.

I'd like to highlight once more the fact that I think it's overwhelmingly possible for someone to be an Atheist AND an awesome person. I got the new Ed Byrne DVD 'Different Class', and it's amazing! He also does work for Amnesty International! Go buy his stuff now! In his last DVD, he referenced Resident Evil 5! And he's an atheist! I wanted to pick a comedian to mention too because there are a few comedians out there who must be a tad uninspired, and by that I mean, "Hmmm... need new edgy topic to make people laugh that hasn't been done before... I know! Religion!"

But still, another reason I've decided to post this blog is because I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to see the comment, "Gee Whiz Elmo, looks like you've met some rather disrespectful atheists. I just want you to know, I'm not like that at all!" This has pissed me off enough already.

So, although it seems like I've been going on for a while my main point begins here; Atheists who, like other non-douchebag members of any religion, do not force their opinion onto you or tell you that you're wrong, are lovely chaps. Seriously. Really. Give me your number, I'll call you up and we'll go on a picnic some time. Not now, it's really snowy, but maybe in the summer. I'll bring the Dr Pepper.

Atheists who do not do this, however...

Are by far some of the most annoying people from any corner of the world I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my 'suddenly-this-is-feeling-so-long life. I cannot state how much they annoy me. Imagine Navi with the voice of Ashley Graham. Now imagine twenty of them. Now imagine them, in 2007, in a meeting with Sonic Team saying, "I'm not sure, a return to the classic Sonic style would be too risky. Give him a sword and make him a werehog!"

Maybe now, you have a fraction of an idea how much they piss me off. Now, to calm down again, picture a game with the battles of Tales of Symphonia, the graphics of Modern Warfare 2, the story of... Tales of Symphonia, the music of Chrono Trigger, and the... never mind, just play Tales of Symphonia. I'm aware I could let it slide and calm down, but you've seen my blogs, and you've seen me write a small essay on why I don't think Ganondorf in 'The Wind Waker' is as deep a character as some people say. You know I have to vent.

So here is my little guide as to why, in the words of Fawful, 'I have fury' over these guys.

1) Some of them get annoyed by... themselves.

This sounds a little strange, but bear with me. DJGrandPa wrote a blog on religion once, which I believe he took down, probably because he didn't want anyone to fall out over it. Now, one of the first comments was a very polite notice from a Mr 'Pwnagedefined', who started with, "DJ you atheist ****. I might be a troll but at least I'm a troll in mass every week."

That's just perfect...

But, the thing that confused me about this incident, and annoyed me all the more, was thinking, 'What do I really know about this guy? I know he's a bit of a troll. What DON'T I know about him? I don't know if he's actually religious, he doesn't seem the type of person who goes to church every week.' I know it sounds naive to say 'No troll has ever been a Christian' but I'd have to say someone who goes to church every single week (That's more than I do to be honest) does not come across as a troll.

This led me to think, I did know that he was a troll. Trolls annoy people. How would a troll annoy someone on a blog about religion? Hmmm... this considered, I can't say "This guy was a troll AND an atheist!" but I can say I'm pretty dang sure that at some point, somewhere, an atheist troll has pissed off a fellow atheist by pretending to be a religious psycho.

2) Massive lack of respect

The following is a para-phrase of a REAL conversation I had... albeit on YouTube. I know, I know, I wasted my time. I really hate that saying, "Fighting on the internet is like winning the special olympics, even if you win, you're still a 'term that I think could be just offensive enough to get me banned for this blog'." because sometimes people just pick fights with you that you can't walk away from, but looking back, it really was a massive waste of time.

I'd also like to state for the record that I am completely aware of the irony that myself, a Christian, is complaining about someone with another belief harassing me. Har de har. This is another point on which Christians themselves can be twats, but it's also one of the biggest problems in atheists. Really.

"I am a Christian!"

"Do you believe evolution?"

"I'll admit I haven't studied it in as much detail as other's, but no."

"Oh. So you don't believe in gravity either?"

"... What?"

"Well, you know... in theory (I now hate these two ******* words with a huge passion. 'In theory, it's the same thing!' 'I know, and in theory I could get laid some day, but I'm still not holding my breath.') they're the same thing!"

"I don't think so, just about everyone believes in gravity. Just because they're both called theories doesn't mean the worldwide acceptance of validity is the same."

"You admit you haven't studied it. Well, 95% of scientists who studied it believe it."

"Call me Mr 5%! If 5% of people who study it in detail don't believe it, why is it a problem for you if I do?"

"It's not a problem for me if you continue to reject the truth, but for you to be preaching that it's even debatable is offensive to me."

"Ok... I'm not saying nobody can believe evolution; I won't even say it's wrong, but I just personally do not believe it. It's not really anyone's business but mine anyway."

"It's my business if you say that the fact is debatable!"

"Look, can we both... come to a truce? I'll continue to NOT say that evolution is wrong in any way, shape of form, and you'll stop telling me I have to believe it?"

"You haven't even studied it!"

"Well, 5% of people who studied it extensively didn't believe it. Look, it's not even any of your business! My beliefs do not concern you!"

"(I'm literally quoting this bit word for word) I'm just asking you to think for a second, reject your baseless belief and accept evolution! Geez!"

"... Alright, you just showed your true colours there. You won't stop until you make me believe what you do. Very mature. Can we make a truce already?"

"Alright, fine, if you want to keep on living in denial."

"... I'm that bored that I'll just take that as a yes. Yay! I'm glad that's over!"

"Sure, if you just wanna rejecting the truth and living in denial, go ahead."

"(Silence. At this point I'd given up.)"

I'll admit that I left out the part where I stopped talking, so he replied 3 times and sent me 2 PMs, and I may or may not have replied with a very dignified "STOP TALKING TO ME!!!" but the point remains. The main problem these guys have with other religions is that some people who believe in them are pushy, and yet they combat this by doing the exact same thing. Disrespect is not a way to fight disrespect, and the sooner they realise this, the sooner I'll... actually respect them.

Speaking of which, although the above conversation was about evolution, don't think I haven't had more blunt comments from atheists.

To save this guy embarrassment, I've censored his name.

And now, to cause him embarrassment, I'll reveal it!

EDIT: You won't believe this, but a few days after writing this, I found myself in debate with this guy again, and IT happened. When you find yourself talking to someone about something touchy, like religion, that you both disagree on, it's an incredibly rare occurance for any good to come of it, but...

WE ACTUALLY CAME TO SOME FORM OF AGREEMENT!

He explained reasons for his anger, and I can see his point. He gets bothered by pushy religious people moreso than I get bothered by pushy atheists, and I had to swallow my pride and do the only thing I could and apologise on their behalf (Being pushy with your beliefs is never good, no matter what they are) and after a few more peaceful comments, we actually reached a friendly conclusion where we could both see each other's points.

So there you have, even if you think someone is a bit of a troll, if you resist the urge the flame them and try to have an intelligent talk instead, sometimes it works. I know it's kind of goofy, but I'm genuinely really happy about the outcome.

<3

3) Clutching straws

I'm not saying that being an atheist means you clutch at straws, but I've seen it happen in some cases; again, it only happens with the bad ones. You saw me mention above that one of these guys said that respecting a Christian who has different beliefs to you is on the same wavelength as respecting a paedophile's wish to... mingle (That's the best word I could think of to describe it) with children.

Well, it's not alone. I've seen the comparison above about evolution and gravity, except replace evolution with just.... atheism. That's right, if you're not an atheist, apparently you don't get to believe in gravity any more. Well, at least it means while they're all leaving nasty comments on YouTube, I can be floating around!

By far one of the most annoying straw-clutches I've seen was an atheist on another video (For once, I hadn't commented on this one, he'd replied to someone else) who was replying to someone who had said, "Just because we have different beliefs doesn't mean we have to shove them down people's throats!"

The response was by far one of the most hypocritical things I've seen in my life. Unsurpassed by every event since Piers Morgan became the judge on a talent show (Piers is the shamed former-owner of a newspaper who faked pictures for an exclusive story and had to leave. Gee, you're learning so much in this blog!)

Anyway, the guy's response was pricelessly bad. He said, "Maybe you're not as passionate about your beliefs, but I think mine are worth fighting for and defending!" I'm sorry, are you mistaking YouTube for the effing White House? Not only is he defending his right to push his views on everyone else, he's insulting people who DON'T do it! Considering that one of the largest reasons for disgruntled atheists is a lack of respect towards their beliefs, it really does stagger me that someone can say something like that.

Which is strange, considering I respect atheist's beliefs, but the lack of respect some of them have is annoying me so much that one day I might just say 'eff it!' and disrespect them, giving them a reason to do... what they've already been doing.

This is confusing. Thank God for the reasonable atheists. Yes, I'm aware that saying 'Thank God for atheists' is ironic in at least twelve ways, but I have atheist friends I'm very close to, and a few family members to, and since we're not douchebags to each other, we get on great.

Sorry, that happy note destroyed the anger in this blog. Back to the hate!

4) Misquoting

Misquoting can be fun at times, and it can also lead to humour. Sometimes it can just be confusing, e.g. recently in the forums, which I visit about... once a month to be honest. I wandered into a conversation about the legalisation of marijuana, and I said I wasn't strongly pro or anti it. Cue someone having a slight misinterpretation and assuming I wasn't strongly pro or anti anything.

Anyone who knows me can tell you I'm strongly pro-GameCube anyway, but that's another series.

Still, misquoting really annoys me, and it happens quite frequently when an aggressive atheist reads the bible. I say 'reads', it's more likely they find a link to a controversial bit on a website and leave it at that. I won't deny that the bible says some pretty questionable things, but if I thought for a second that the overall message was not good, I just wouldn't be a Christian.

An aggressive atheist reading the bible is like the average teenager watching a video of FRED. You don't like it, you don't want to like it, and if by some magic chance you came across something you liked in it, you wouldn't bring it up or give it any further attention. In the same way, I've seen people skate over the entire bible and focus on the bad bits. It's not specific to the bible either, I've seen the Torah and the Qu'ran called into question.

I'm not saying for a second you could take something out of context from the bible and I'd agree with it; it says a man who lies with another man should be stoned. Then again, it says sins can be forgiven, everyone sins, love your neighbour, and, my personal favourite verse, Matthew Chapter 7, verse 1; Judge not lest ye be judged. I tend to think of that as, "It's not my place to decide." I can already sense the cynical response of "Oh, so it's not your place to decide if murder is bad?" but murder is harmful to others, and being gay isn't.

5) Assumptions

I'm a Christian, so I must stand on a street corner with leaflets. I must preach hate. I must despise abortion. I must hate homosexuality. I must forbid myself from playing any game (I figure I should occasionally try and link this back to video games) which could possibly be seen as unfit for a God! Go away, Resident Evil 4 and Eternal Darkness (Both of which I love) I cannot play you!

That guy over there is Jewish. He must be an old, greedy miser, with a large nose (I don't even understand that stereotype.) He also (I don't understand this thing that Whitly said either, but he knows better than I do) 'uses the blood of Christians for his Matzah'. When he's not fasting, he poisons wells!

That person over there is Muslim. He was overjoyed with the events of...

Alright, it makes me feel nauseous just to go on. You know why there are so many denominations of these religions? Because there are differences! Although they're very similar in places, my views must differ from my Mum and Dad in places. Ditto with one of my big sisters, who, for the record, is one of those amazingly awesome nice people it's impossible not to get along with. You know, the kind so great that at times, you wish they had flaws you could hate, but they just don't, and they'd be successful in life and thrive in any environment. The kind that are, in all honesty, impossible not to like. Keep that in mind the next time you want to paint a picture of a horrible, prejudiced, borderline-racist Christian.

That's just about all I have to say, and I want to make it 100% clear:

If you are not, I repeat, not, a person who is vastly, vastly disrespectful to religions and religious people (and I mean vastly, not the kind that just make a few lighthearted jokes) then this blog is not aimed at you. I am not angry at you. If you're respectful with other people's beliefs, I love you, no matter who you are or what your beliefs are. Seriously. Call me. Picnic. Dr Pepper. Sunshine. Lollipops. Rainbows.

I'm only writing this because it's been a tough few days, and it really hasn't been helped by a bunch of, for lack of a better term, wankers. Seriously angry atheists, I understand that if some religious people have been giving you crap, it must be tempting to just drop any respect you have for them and their beliefs, but all that does is make you new enemies. Hence this blog! An unreasonable Christian annoys you, you annoy them, in annoying them, you say something which annoys me. You'll never be able to win a debate if you say largely offensive things, and your point is usually nullified if you have to resort to insulting beliefs.

Now that I've vented, and the anger is gone, technically I could just think, "I'm not angry now, I don't need to post this!" but I want it to be seen as a sort of record. What I mean is, if in 12 years time (I have no idea why I picked 12) I've stopped being a respectful Christian and instead I'm one of the pushy twats that I currently dislike not only for being pushy and aggressive, but also for giving my religion a bad name, if someone asks what pushed me over the edge, I want to be able to point at this blog, this content, and to a certain extent, that YouTube comment I copied and pasted, and I'll be able to say, "Here, this is how I used to be before you made me change."

I say that because that's obviously what's happened with a number of aggressive atheists (If there are any atheists out there who are on the verge of getting too annoyed at other pushy religious people, please hang in there, we're not all bad) and even though I wish I could say I'll never turn into one of those people, there's a chance, and for that, even though I hope it never happens, I apologise in advance.

Just to leave you with a happy anecdote, the big Skype chat filled with me and other g1s has arguments from time to time. People yell, people swear, it all kicks off. Yet, two of the people in the chat, myself and Whitly, have the potential to be enemies. After all, he's Jewish, and I'm a Christian. But for some reason, we've both had the common sense to respect each other, and as a result we're two of the... 'least likely to argue with each other' people in the chat. Sure, we debate Pokemon from time to time, but I honestly can't remember ever having an argument with him. I just figured this could be a feel-good note to finish on.

So... this has been by far one of the strangest and least-game-related blogs I've ever written. I've tried to phrase things so that people would not get offended, and even though I raise a number of controversial points, I hope I explained them and analyzed them in ways that didn't upset anyone. So to summarize, I'm not an atheist, but if you're one and you don't have a problem with me not being one, that's fine and dandy.

Dandy.

The final word.

Dandy.

-Elmo 3000

SGC: Attack of the Trolls

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:33:50 -0500

Little Disclaimer: Having never been to SGC, my description probably doesn't match the layout one bit, and it's probably a lot bigger in real life. But, on the other hand, that would be really hard to write. Also, there is a reason for this blog. I had an idea for one of those cheesy ScrewAttack novels, but it would be about a 10-blog story, so I want to see if I can actually write in this genre... at all. My novel idea would be better than... this, but... screw it, just tell me what you think.

Also, this blog went through several glitches while it was saved as a draft. I think I have them fixed now, but if for any reason, large chunks of text between the music links don't appear, try highlighting them and playing around. If that doesn't make them appear, just refresh the page a few times. Still, hopefully you need not do any of that if I've finally got the darn thing to work.

Oh, and also, this blog is more than 7,500 words long. You might wanna get a drink, or go to the bathroom before reading the whole thing. Anyway... here goes!

Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy - Title Screen

SGC hadn't started well for Brian Inwood, otherwise known as PekoponTAS. He'd wanted to arrive extra-early, so he could meet the crew, be the first to see who arrived, and check out what they had lined up. Instead, he arrived a little too early. On the plus side, he got to talk to Nervous Nick for about 3 minutes, and he remembered clearly how the conversation had gone. It was hard to forget a conversation that started when somebody looked at you and murmured, "Ah, crap..."

In Nick's defense, the rest of the conversation had somewhat explained it.

"Sorry, nothing personal... it's just tougher than we thought to organise an entire event like this, and we were hoping we had a few more hours to perfect things until the g1s arrived."

"That shouldn't be a problem, I think I'm kinda early anyway, I just-"

"Wait a second, I remember you. Brian, right? You're the one who sent us a parcel of games, thanks for that!" Nick paused for a second. "You're the guy who likes Drill Dozer, right?"

"... Guilty as charged..."

"Uh, great! We have a... drill-related surprise for you!"

Brian gasped. "R... Really? For me?"

"Of course! Follow me!"

Brian's enthusiasm ended when he saw that the drill-related surprise was actually the task of putting up a shelf, but Nick pleaded. Craig and Corey were making last minute preparations for the budget, José and Chad were hooking up the consoles, Bryan was trying to get Brentalfloss here from the airport, and the others hadn't even woken up yet. "Please, just... drill here and here, and try to put screws in, I'll make sure you have a great time at this convention if you do! We got a whole booth of Kirby games, and I can make reservations."

"Deal!"

Nick quickly excused himself, since his Wolverine outfit still hadn't been delivered from the HQ, which was being looked after by a very sulky Highschool Ben, who had picked the short straw and had to stay behind to keep guard.

Around this time though, unbeknownst to the Screw Crew and Brian, a few other g1s had arrived far too early with the intent of looking around and meeting the others. One of them, an 18 year old British nerd wearing an 'I Wanna Be The Guy' shirt, for no reason other than making the other gamers scream out in terror, had just arrived in the carpark, and was surprised to see it deserted, except for a few lonesome cars.

"Hello? Anyone here?"

Elliott, known online as Elmo, was on the verge of giving up until he heard a vaguely familiar voice. "No one else is here? Saaaadface..."

"Oldschool Master!"
"Elmo!"

Like two old friends, they ran towards each other and began talking about the awesomeness that was about to occur at SGC. "I hear they got Miyamoto arriving tomorrow to discuss the next few years of Nintendo games!" "I heard they got Bill Gates coming to talk about future of the Xbox 720!"

---

At the same time, two others had arrived in the actual SGC building, Whitly and DJGrandPa. Having met up just at the entrance, they were awestruck by the sight of the grand arena of entertainment. A wide array of arcade cabinets and consoles met their eyes, and they mentally recalled where the doors led to. One door on the left led out into the carpark, whereas the door at the far end led to the concert room, where brentalfloss would be serenading them in a few hours time. Several small rooms marked the way too, although most of them could safely be assumed to be cupboards.

On the right were several doors, leading to the rooms where they'd be sleeping, the room with the fancy podium, where Miyamoto would be making his speech, but all the doors on this side of the room were locked, with the exception of one small room from which a loud drilling sound was coming, so they decided not to check it.

Looking behind them, they saw a huge electronic screen, probably used for random announcements, or just to provide an overview of the massive convention. However, they were distracted by a few more entries, all wearing strange black shirts.

"Hey, are you g1s too?" asked DJ whilst stepping forwards, but suddenly Whitly put his arm out and held DJ back. Looking closer at the strange shirts, he noticed that the leader of this strange group of around a dozen people had strange words written on his shirt that nobody else did.

'POKEMON OWNS ALL'.

---

Tales of Symphonia - Unsatisfied Desire

Meanwhile, in the parking lot, Elmo and OSM were also being welcomed by this strange group, having been approached by 3 of them.

"Uh... hi! Welcome to SGC!"

The strange trio took out concealed weapons and aimed them at their 2 new victims.

"Uh... I said, hi! Welcome to SGC!"

The master of the trio stepped forwards, chuckling to himself. "Elmo right? I recognise your voice from that god-awful rendition of 'Carry On My Wayward Son' that somehow got you through to Round 3 of the falsely named 'My Voice Doesn't Suck Contest'. Such a shame that a blogger like you must become the first victim. You had the potential to be such a great troll..."

"Wait, you're trolls?" asked Oldschool Master.

"Yes, yes, and you should be honoured, because we've deemed your little website worthy of being destroyed."

"What?"

"We've been keeping an eye on it for some time, and it's been providing happiness to people on the internet for almost 4 years now. We being the anonymous hate machine of the internet can't allow that sort of thing to happen. So we turned up here, and we're going to torch the place. If you beg, we might let you stay alive long enough to see the place burn to the ground."

"... You think we're gonna let you do that?"

Elmo rashly charged forwards and kicked the leader as hard as he could between the legs, only to hurt his foot.

"Ah, what the hell?"

The leader laughed. "When you start trolling, your genitals slowly shrink, before eventually disappearing forever. You can try all you like, but it's not like there's anything to kick. Even if there was, it's not like you'd be able to take on all 50 of us..."

"There's only 3 of you here!"

The leader laughed and kicked Elmo in the stomach so hard he flew back into a car, spluttering. "45 of us are here, 5 of us are... somewhere else, on business. You'd be surprised how easy it was for us to get members. It only took about 7 minutes of searching on YouTube and Digg before we found enough hateful bastards to form this group. Anyway, I hate to break it to you, but... I don't want you to live any more. See ya in the next life!"

OSM helped Elmo to his feet cautiously while they both stepped back. "How are you going to kill us?"

Each of the trio pressed a button on their weapon, and a small blue flame erupted from each nozzle. Chuckling to themselves, they knew that the moment they fired, petrol would spray forwards, turning their light weapons into flamethrowers.

"We're going to kill you the only way we know how. You guys are gonna get flaaaaamed..."

Laughing a little, he stepped forwards as OSM and Elmo stepped backwards, praying for a miracle. Luckily for them, it came.

Screeching round the corner, a car swerved into the carpark and swerved again as it tried to avoid the strange trio. Tried. Tried, but failed. As the rear of the car smashed two of the trolls, they were sent flying back into twin crumped heaps in the ground. The leader stepped back, and the car stopped sideways, millimetres from smashing into him. Opening his mouth to laugh, the leader was winded when the door sprung open, smashing him in the chest with such force that he collapsed on the ground too.

Elmo and OSM waited for the car's occupants to step out, only to hear an angry scream, followed by a sarcastic answer.

"YOU TOLD ME YOU COULD DRIVE, KILLROY!"

"Eh, you live, you learn..."

Knowing that they had one hell of an explanation to make to Killroy and Thunderbird, Elmo and OSM were still relieved. Back-up had arrived.

---

Tales of Symphonia - Like a Glint of Light

Whitly and DJ hadn't been so lucky. As soon as the dozen figures had entered, they'd fired their flamethrowers at full blast, and the unlucky two had to run for their lives. Ducking past consoles and arcade cabinets, Whitly charged through one of the doors to avoid the flames, but DJ wasn't as fast, and had to duck between two arcade machines of Street Fighter and Mario Kart.

The trolls had been watching Whitly, and DJ held his breath as he hoped nobody had seen him go. A few more tedious seconds passed, until he heard, "Where'd the little one go?" and knew he was safe, at least until they found him. Getting an idea quickly, he searched the ground and found a small rock, and as he carefully peeked out, he aimed it to skim the ground near a group of four patrolling trolls.

His aim was good, and a loud click was heard from the rock bouncing off the ground near them. Just as DJ had hoped, the stupid trolls panicked, and fired their flamethrowers towards the helpless patrol, who were toasted faster than a n00b trying Virtual Fighter 5. As their leader screamed at them for their stupidity, DJ snuck out from his hiding place and made his way lowly across the ground, heading for Brentalfloss' concert room.

For a second, he thought he was going to be spotted, before he noticed the words 'Cosplay Outfits' on the door Whitly had run through, a split-second before it burst open a second time, and the words, "Captain Raccoon to the Rescue!" echoed through the hall. A second later, Captain Raccoon flew through the air and dived behind a row of arcade machines for safety, giving DJ the cover he needed to escape.

The remaining 8 trolls surrounded Captain Raccoon's hiding place, sending 2 men out on either flank and keeping 4 safely back, whilst the leader of this group, marked by the words 'POKEMON OWNS ALL' on his shirt, stayed with the other three and reported to the group outside.

"We've suffered minor losses, and I haven't heard back from the troops I sent to scout the carpark. How's the team at the main base?"

"Good, it seems they're in position. You want us to come in now?"

"I don't think there's enough room for you yet, but send in another 4 units to replace the ones we've already lost."

"Alright. Over and out."

Clipping his walkie-talkie to his belt, the leader commanded 2 of the remaining trolls who weren't advancing on Whitly to follow DJ into the concert room. He'd gotten away, but not unseen. However, with the advance on Whitly taking up so much attention, nobody noticed that one of the trolls advancing on the left was suddenly pulled backwards into the closet of cosplay outfits, and didn't return.

A few seconds later, the trolls decided to pounce. Jumping around the corner of the arcade cabinets, they shot a wave of fire at poor Captain Raccoon, and cackled with glee as his fur turned black and he burned away, until the three of them noticed an oddity, despite the fact that neither had noticed their missing man.

"Hey boss, I know the costume is meant to burn, but isn't there meant to be somebody in it?"

"WHAT?!?"

As the leader stepped forwards to investigate the costume, a realisation hit him and he jumped backwards just before Whitly charged out, aiming the flamethrower he had stolen from the troll he'd managed to subdue. The three trolls investigating never had a chance to escape, and the twosome who had been ordered to chase DJ only just rushed through the door in time to escape the flames.

Now, as Whitly faced the leader and the one remaining troll in the room, he began to feel nervous. He was outnumbered, and he really didn't want to end up setting some of these beautiful consoles and arcade machines on fire. Unfortunately for him, four more trolls rushed through the front door, each with their own flamethrower. The leader let out a hearty laugh as Whitly tried to remain calm.

"Well well, it looks like more back-up has arrived, eh?"

"That's just what I was thinking," retorted Oldschool Master, knocking out the leader with one heavy punch as he led Thunderbird, Killroy and Elmo inside from the carpark.

---

Brian stopped drilling for the first time in 10 minutes, and he could finally hear over the drill again. Standing back to admire his work, he was about to put the drill down when he heard a large crack. Eyes widening, he hoped against hope that the shelf wouldn't fall, but it did. Groaning loudly, he went to inspect the holes he'd drilled, and found that they weren't deep enough to house the screws to attach the brackets. Sighing, he picked the drill back up and started again, hoping to get it right this time.

---

The number of trolls was dwindling. There had been 50 to start with, but 3 had been taken out in the parking lot, DJ had taken care of 4, and Whitly had roasted another 3. Since Oldschool Master had also knocked out the leader, and 5 of the trolls were somewhere else, that meant only 34 remained at SGC, and 5 of them were currently locked in combat with the 5 present g1s who weren't in the concert room or drilling a shelf.

Meanwhile, the 5 trolls who were elsewhere arrived at their destination and stepped outside their vehicle. They had their own leader, who took the remaining 4 aside and muttered, "You, check the place for any remaining occupants who aren't at the convention. You, look for anything worth scavenging and report back. You two, stay with me until the other two report here again. We must secure these premises for the good of trolls everywhere.

He looked over their target. ScrewAttack HQ.

---

Back at SGC, the fighting was getting fiercer. Two trolls were trying to take on OSM, whilst Thunderbird and Killroy were trying to get close to their respective troll opponents whilst avoiding the streams of fire. The last troll had headed for Whitly, and much to Elmo's annoyance... nobody had really seen him as a threat.

As Whitly and his opponent both had flamethrowers, the battle between them was close, but came to an abrupt end when Whitly rounded a corner and almost sent some consoles up in smoke.

"Hey, watch it," the troll yelled, "You almost hit a PS3, and I could be salvaging that later! I don't mind if you hit something crappy, like a Wii, but be careful around decent gaming consoles!"

He realised very quickly that was the wrong thing to say to Whitly, who blew out the flame on his flamethrower, then fired it at his enemy, merely spraying him with petrol. Then, he simply walked towards his opponent and waited for him to try and use his own flamethrower, which he did fairly soon, not realising that in the circumstances, it would set him alight instantaneously. Trolls are not known for their intelligence.

Oldschool Master was fighting well against two opponents, and had even managed to disarm them both. As one of them recoiled from a sharp punch, he sent the other one flying with a kick to the face that knocked him straight into the path of the troll chasing Thunderbird. As that troll tripped, Thunderbird wasted no time by charging towards him and letting loose with a powerful kick of his own before he could get up. Now it was just the 5 g1s against two trolls, but unfortunately, the trolls found themselves with the upper hand.

As Thunderbird and Oldschool Master teamed up with Killroy, one of the remaining trolls screamed, 'FREEZE!' as he aimed his flamethrower towards the three of them. None of them dared to move when staring at a flame that could easily be quintupled in length to consume them all. The two trolls were back to back, and the second troll had his flamethrower aimed straight at Whitly. Their position was good; everyone in the room except Elmo was in one straight line, and Elmo found himself on the opposite side of the trolls, with only an arcade machine between them.

Hoping it wasn't nailed down, Elmo slowly put his hands under the machine and attempted to tip it over. He got it leaning slightly, but knew that if he wanted to take them by surprise, he had to be sudden. However, as he managed to tip it a little more, both trolls heard a creak and turned to see the arcade cabinet.

Luckily for Elmo, the other g1s were a lot faster than he was, and as soon as they had turned to see where the creak was coming from, Killroy hurtled himself towards them and knocked them both over, even sending the flamethrowers out of their hands. Unfortunately, none of the other g1s had reacted in time, and Killroy found it hard to fight off two opponents. Constantly having to step backwards, he ducked a blow just as Elmo finally got the damn arcade cabinet to fall.

*SMOOSH*

29 Trolls left at SGC.

The band of makeshift fighters gasped for breath, and OSM even congratulated Elmo on making himself useful.

"How did you know to tip the game machine on them?"

Looking at the name of the game printed on the side, Elmo saw a chance for a terrible pun. "Oh, you could call it my... Killer Instinct!"

Everyone, even the semi-conscious trolls on the floor, groaned at Elmo's utterly abysmal joke. Killroy, Thunderbird, Whitly and Oldschool Master all simultaneously facepalmed.

---

*WHIRRRRRRR*

"Finished!"

Brian stood back to admire his work, and relaxed as he saw the fine shelf he had put up. His admiration lasted a full 5 seconds before it fell down again. Groaning, he inspected the holes he'd drilled and found that, once again, they were too shallow. Picking a new spot on the wall to drill, he vowed not to mess up this time.

---

Twilight Princess - Battle (First Half)

DJ was cautiously watching the two trolls that had followed him from above. They were searching the concert room thoroughly, but hadn't yet spotted him hiding above, having climbed a ladder attached to the wall to hide amongst the spotlights.

"Usually I'd be happy to be in the spotlight," he muttered to himself whilst checking his surroundings. Spotting a few loose lights, he had a sudden brainwave and checked his pockets for something to drop. Finding the cartridge of Super Mario Land he'd brought along for good luck, he leaned forwards and dropped it. As expected, the two trolls heard the noise and scurried over.

Moving as nimbly as he could, DJ fiddled with the lighting above until he was successful, and a large studio light fell away with a loud snap and bore down upon the two trolls. One jumped out of the way, but the other wasn't so lucky and found himself crushed as the light smashed into the ground, sending shards of glass flying. DJ's celebrations were cut short though, as he realised that although he'd downed one more enemy, he'd given away his position to the other, and he heard the startling sound of a troll climbing a ladder to the lighting structure.

Trying to stay dark, he crawled across to the other side before realising, with a sick feeling in his stomach, that there was only one ladder up, and as he turned around, he saw his new opponent.

"Hiya DJ! It's Eric! Remember me?"

---

Back in the hall, the g1s were recovering from the attack. All were on their feet, but a few were more tired than others. Still, the sound of gasps for breath were slowing down, and things seemed to be calmer (Except for that mysterious drilling noise) until they heard an alarming noise.

The trolls outside were calling in with their walkie-talkie.

"Hey boss, everything ok in there or do you need some help?"

The g1s froze, not having the faintest idea what to do next. None of them could mimic the voice of the KO'd troll, but they didn't want leave silence for too long. Luckily, they didn't have to. One of the trolls opened the front door to check the damage, and saw everything; his defeated friends, the slightly-damaged hall, and the 5 g1s, still standing, each with a terrified look on their face.

"Everyone, get in here, now!"

Just before all hell broke loose, Killroy had the common sense to say, "Whitly, go get DJGrandPa. We're gonna need all the help we can get if we wanna get through this..."

Whitly nodded, turned, and ran down the hall to the concert room to help out DJ. When Killroy turned back from talking, he saw 26 fully armed trolls, having already entered the building, and if that wasn't bad enough, one of their particularly important targets unlocked one of the corridors from the inside and stepped outside unknowingly. Stuttering Craig had never been more confused in his life.

"What the hell is going on?"

The trolls were willing to play around with g1s, but they wasted no time against an opponent like Craig, and immediately the front line aimed their flamethrowers at him and sent a wave of flames his way. He would've been toasted if Thunderbird hadn't launched himself towards Craig and pulled him down. When Thunderbird looked up, Craig was in shock.

"You... you saved my life!"

"Don't worry about it," started Thunderbird, before pausing and adding, "But it wouldn't hurt you to consider my Top 10 Boss Battles blog for a place in the spotlight... I'm just sayin'..."

The flames got lower, and the two fell closer to the ground, barely avoiding the heat. When Craig opened his eyes again, he muttered, "Whew, that was cl- your hair's on fire!"

"Again?" Thunderbird rolled frantically on the ground for a few seconds before the fire was safely put out, and they began the task of slowly retreating whilst staying low. Meanwhile, Oldschool Master had a flamethrower in each hand and was trying to ward off the attacking trolls, but couldn't deal with the huge number of trolls. Killroy ran to Thunderbird to try and get Craig to safety, and Elmo froze, desperately trying to think of something to do.

---

Whitly arrived in the concert room just in time to see Eric lift DJ up by the throat and throw him back down onto the lighting ramps. Running towards him to help, he overheard snatches of the angry conversation.

"You're only doing this out of jealousy Eric, admit it!" DJ spat.

"Of course I am," snapped back Eric, "But why shouldn't I be jealous? You're some 15 year old Swedish kid, and I'm more mature, more intelligent, more bold, but for some reason the morons on that website liked you more than me!"

Eric aimed a kick at DJ, who had to jump back to avoid it and almost stumbled.

"I've got more brains than you..."

Eric aimed another kick at DJ and managed to hit one of his arms.

"I've got more skill than you..."

Eric leant towards DJ and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt.

"What is it that you have that I don't?"

DJ spotted Whitly beneath him, smiled, and replied, "Friends!"

Whitly had found the control panel for the lights, and switched on the one he hoped was near Eric. He guessed right. Eric was blinded by the light of a 200 Gigawatt bulb and let go of DJ, staggering backwards. DJ took a few steps forwards and aimed a kick of his own at Eric's right leg. It wasn't powerful, but it was enough to knock him off balance as he toppled off the lighting equipment and fell down to the stage with a dull thud. He didn't get up.

---

"Guys, I got DJ back safel-" Whitly fell silent as he rushed back into the hall, only to see the g1s being pushed back towards the same door by waves of fire. Thunderbird and Killroy were hiding behind arcade machines to avoid the heat, Oldschool Master was being overpowered, and Craig was on his mobile, desperately trying to reach the others, without luck. Elmo was still just crouched down, trying to think of what to do next, when suddenly, it hit him.

"Killroy, I need a flamethrower!" he shouted over, and Killroy nodded back and skidded one across the floor to him. Waiting for a chance, Elmo paused until the wall of fire seemed to slow, and then stood up straight and screamed, "STOP!"

The trolls were shocked enough to pause momentarily, wondering what this scrawny teen's plan was, knowing that there was no way he could take them on. They were shocked further when his mouth opened again and he bitterly muttered, "Sorry..."

A laugh came from behind the trolls as the final leader of operations, the grand trollmaster himself stepped into the hall. "Sorry? Why should you be sorry? Sorry you didn't put up more of an entertaining fight? Sorry you didn't accomplish anything other than knocking out a few grunts? Or are you sorry to Craig for failing to defend his company?"

"As a matter of fact," Elmo replied, his nervous voice breaking every few seconds, "I was apologising to Craig, and if you'd let me finish... Craig?" Elmo turned to see the confused face of the site owner, "I'm sorry, but... this might damage some of the consoles and arcade machines here." Turning forwards again, he leant back and fired the flamethrower as high as he could into the air, praying it worked.

At first, nothing happened, but after a few seconds, Craig realised Elmo's plan. A heated battle in the hall might not have set it off, but a flamethrower aimed directly at the roof might, and to serve as confirmation of his thoughts, a second later, a large wailing sound erupted from the hall as alarms sounded, and Elmo stopped firing the flamethrower and dropped it, utterly relieved.

He'd set off the fire alarm, and that meant one thing. The sprinkler system.

---

The wailing sound even disturbed Brian enough to make him drop the drill, unfortunately while it was still in the wall. Grabbing it again quickly, he hoped the damage wouldn't be too bad, but the hole had turned into a hollow line down the wall. Swearing loudly, he held a screw in anyway to check if the hole was deep enough, and found to his surprise that it wasn't!

Swearing again as he held the drill, he tried to calm down before drilling into a different place on the wall. The noise was unbearably loud, so he checked the room quickly and found a nice pair of ear-protectors. Putting them on, his ears were instantly cut off from the sounds of anything outside. This time he could do his job in peace, and this time, there was no way it wouldn't be deep enough.

---

"Elmo, good job!" whispered Oldschool Master back in the hall, as 26 trolls and their leader just had all of their weapons ruined.

"Thanks," whispered back Elmo, "But there's still one problem!"

"Yeah?"

"How the hell are we going to fight off 27 of these guys?"

"Don't worry about it," said Oldschool Master with a smirk. "I got here early because I checked the coach schedule to this place, and I got the one just before the main one."

"So?"

As Oldschool Master was about to answer, a noise came from the carpark of a large vehicle pulling up, before several enthusiastic cheers could be heard, "We're finally here!"

The doors to the carpark flew open, and suddenly, a crowd of g1s appeared at the entrance, taking in the sight before them. Arcade cabinets that were both burnt and soaked, bruised g1s who they recognised, Stuttering Craig, who they all recognised, and the army of 26 bad guys and their leader, each now holding a useless and soaked flamethrower. It didn't take the g1s long to realise what was going on.

Seconds before the two crowds flew together in an all-out battle, Oldschool Master whispered two more words to Elmo with a smile.

"Back-up."

---

Resident Evil 4 - Back-Up

Neither Elmo, nor any of the other g1s had ever seen anything like it. An entire community of people from all countries and backgrounds, united against a common enemy. As he tried to recognise all the faces in the crowd, he saw Wandering Swordsman duck a punch from one troll and follow it up with a quick kick in the stomach before punching him squarely in the jaw. Another troll down.

Looking left and right, he saw more familiar faces as Ultamite-Ninja tackled a troll to the floor and let loose with a flurry of punches, and when it looked like he was in trouble, the troll behind him was smashed on the noggin with a chair delivered from the arms of Srassy. Darkseid and Blueblur hadn't even been strong members of the site long, but long enough to stir courage from their hearts which gave them the power to lift up a troll at either end, and throw him towards an oncoming tirade of trolls.

Elmo turned to the side as he heard one knuckleheaded troll murmuring, "Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're a girl!" to SuperChunLi89, who responded with a sharp roundhouse kick to the face before he could even move. He didn't get up. 'Mad' Mike didn't even use his fists, simply taking a swig of alcohol and spitting it through a cigarette lighter onto a screaming troll, who despite being soaked, couldn't put it out in time. Bertram had charged in with a guitar, and smashed it in the face of an oncoming troll.

Despite the rush of courage the g1s were feeling, they were still outnumbered, until a few figures rushed in from the carpark doors. They hadn't arrived with the coach, but had arrived in the nick of time to turn the tide of battle. Two trolls rushed towards the first figure, but the first was easily disposed of by a punch to the face. The second tried to attack anyway, but found a strong hand wrapping itself around his neck and lifting him off the ground before his opponent retorted,

"I'm Destin and this is my fist!"

With a single punch, the troll skidded across the floor into a wall. The Screw Crew had arrived to lend a helping hand, and as Elmo gazed across the battlefield, he heard a few other passing statements from people fighting.

"Maxifently kicking your ass! Hi-YA!"

"Not so nervous now, am I?"

"I'd staple your face to the floor if I hadn't sold my stapler!"

José was amusing himself by teabagging any downed trolls who were still conscious, and Chad had grabbed one troll, but couldn't think of any catchphrases he had, so he just... chucked the troll into a wall instead, sighing.

As the trolls left and right were falling, Elmo saw the leader of the group trying to sneakily leave, before Thunderbird and Killroy slammed the door shut in his face. Oldschool Master had two trolls in headlocks, and fell backwards onto the ground, slamming both their heads into it, and Whitly was holding down a troll while DJ repeatedly kicked him in the face.

"We're winning..." Elmo said to himself with a smile. "We're winning!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" screamed the leader, the last troll standing. "Don't you realise what's happening while you're fighting here? Don't you realise this was a distraction?"

A stunned silence fell over the hall, before the leader took out an electronic device and pressed a button. Suddenly, an eerily familiar sight shot up on the main screen, which had somehow remained undamaged.

ScrewAttack HQ.

---

The trolls positioned around HQ heard a beep from the camera they'd set up and realised they were being watched by the hall of terrified g1s and staff. The 3 trolls present turned to face the camera, as the 4th appeared and reported to their leader.

"I moved a few things worth scavenging so they wouldn't be damaged by the fire we start."

"Good. We'll enjoy these consoles for a while. Any word from our 5th member?"

"Not yet, sir."

The crowd at SGC watched in horror as the leader in the hall and the leader on the screen both smiled. "Well well, it seems you put up a decent fight, but we win overall. Don't blame yourselves; you could've never beaten an enemy like us. We're anonymous. We're everywhere. There's no way you could have ever-"

Although most g1s were watching the monologue from the troll, a few noticed that one of the grunts standing near the side of the building was suddenly yanked violently out of view. Nudges started in the crowd, as whispers spread about the mystery. The troll continued, blissfully ignorant, as always.

"For every honest writer out there, there are 2 haters, willing to do anything to destroy that writer. We could destroy him mentally, physically, or in this method, we could destroy their most valuable place of all. The site may go on, but it will never recover from this."

Every g1 in the hall saw it this time; the grunt who had reported back had been patrolling the entrance to ScrewAttack HQ, before unexpectedly, a gloved hand shot out over his mouth and pulled him inside. He didn't return, but the leader didn't notice.

"Each and every day, we've been seeing what you do, learning your weaknesses, and preparing to strike. I know it seems strange to put so much effort into ensuring the misery of other's, but..." The troll shrugged. "I'm a troll. It's what I do."

Although the leader hadn't noticed his henchmen slowly disappearing, the last of the outside patrols had sensed something strange going on. Checking inside the entrance, he got out a torch and shined it in every direction before slowly and carefully putting it back. Turning to step back outside, he seemed to be fine until he tripped over something and fell. Landing clumsily, he began to get back up until he was pulled by the legs back inside by an unseen force, and promptly disappeared from screen.

"So, we've infiltrated your precious headquarters, and soon it'll be nothing but a pile of rubble. All you've worked to protect, all you've worked to build up, gone in an instant attack from your enemies."

Nobody in the hall was listening any more, but instead watching in the background as a shadowy figure snuck out of the shade from the entrance and stood silently behind the leader.

"Any last requests?" the leader said in a smarmy sarcastic voice, only to suddenly find two hands holding his head very tightly.

"Just one!" replied the figure before bashing the head of his opponent directly into the camera, knocking him unconscious instantly, that is if his neck wasn't broken. With the penultimate troll downed, the figure became visible as the troll fell from view, revealing the one person left to defend against the trolls, the member of staff left behind to keep a close eye on the fort.

"Metal Gear Ben, reporting for duty," he muttered with a smile and a salute.

The hall exploded with cheering.

---

After about a minute of nonstop clapping, screaming, and whistling, the crowd began to quiet down. As every g1 was relieved to see Ben ok, and even more relieved to see him take out the troll attack, a few questions still remained.

"Ben!" started Craig, "How did you figure out what was going on?"

"When they sent one of their guys to get rid of me, it was pretty easy to turn the tables on him, and after a bit of... friendly interrogation, he spilled the beans, as well as a few vital organs."

For a second it seemed as if everything was over, until the g1s and staff remembered that the true leader of the trolls remained in front of them, now trapped in a corner of the hall, leaning up against a wall. For some strange reason, Elmo's courage seemed to be a lot higher when he was backed up by the entire SA staff, and around 50 of the early g1s. He approached.

"Alright, either come along quietly, or all of us will have to kick the crap out of you. Please choose the first option, because... I don't think anyone here actually wants to come into contact with you."

"Ah, Elmo. Smug as ever. Sure, I'll come quietly, but I just have to do one thing first."

Leaping forwards, the troll took Elmo by surprise and tried to push him to the ground, but after playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out for two years, Elmo's reaction times had improved, and he managed to lift a leg quickly enough to knee the troll in the jaw. As the troll staggered back, Elmo saw his chance and charged, aiming a powerful kick straight at the troll's head.

Just before contact, the troll's arms shot out and grabbed Elmo's leg in mid-air.

"Uh oh..."

Spinning Elmo around, the troll pounced quickly while his opponent was still on the floor. Restraining Elmo's arms with one of his own, he pulled his other arm across Elmo's neck and pulled him back to the wall. Elmo swore loudly inside his head. A few seconds ago, he'd been watching a legendary comeback of a gaming website fighting against the demonic trolls. Now, he was a hostage.

---

Mother 3 - Natural Killer Cyborg

"Alright, here's what I want!" the troll began. "I'll need a free path out of here, with no secret back-up plans, no bugging devices, no repercussions, nothing. I'll need a 10-second headstart and I want a clear path to the door or the muppet blogger gets it."

"Deal," said Craig above the whispers of other g1s, "But only on the condition that you let him go."

"I don't think you're in the position to call the shots now Craig! I either take him alive or he dies right here."

"I'm afraid I can't let that happen."

If Elmo could've talked, he would've said, "It's fine Craig, there are other bloggers on the site! Heck, I only get around one blog up a week now anyway, and I still only own a GameCube and GBA!" However, Elmo couldn't talk right now due to the tightness around his neck, so he just coughed instead and hoped that it somehow told Craig what he was thinking.

"You refuse to let one blogger down? Are you an obsessive perfectionist or just insane?"

Craig crossed his arms. "That's what you trolls don't understand, isn't it? ScrewAttack isn't about the blogs or the content, it's about the freedom of the community. Anyone can come in, and no matter what they think about whatever game, as long as they respect each other, they can become a prominent member of the community."

"Oh yeah, big patriotic speech, whoop whoop. That's a load of crap and you know it. If my people were accepted on the internet, on your site, none of this would've happened!"

"You never learned! We gave you chances and you messed up. You never learnt how to succeed online. People make themselves feel better by helping others, writing stuff they want to read, answering their questions, guiding them along the right path. All you ever did was put other people down to place yourself higher, and look where it's gotten you."

"You still rejected us! Look at Elmo here, he used to write things a troll would be proud of, and instead you encouraged him! Your site trained and changed him! Could the same not have been done for us?"

"That serves as a motive, but not a justification."

Elmo's thoughts had now changed from panic, and for a second all he could think of was 'Craig just quoted from 'Tales of Symphonia'! Awesome!' The troll on the other hand, thought for a second, and then began to laugh. A cold, soulless laugh.

"Well Craig, I'm afraid you've just shown your weakness. I could leave here with my head held low and plot another attack, or I could reject my ways of trolling, but you've just let something slip. You're protective of this community, and if I kill this g1, you'll have failed."

Craig clenched his fists. "It'll be the last thing you ever do!"

"I don't care, I'll have won! Face it Craig, it's over, and I'm going to win!"

Facing Elmo, the troll let out a little sigh and muttered, "Ah, there was a time when you could've been one of us... what happened Elmo?"

"I... grew up?" Elmo spluttered out.

"Ah well, no matter. Prepare to die!"

For a second, his arms tightened, before his expression changed completely. Rather than having a face twisted with contorted rage and insanity, it changed to fear. Opening his mouth, no sound came out of the troll's mouth as he began to gasp for air. His grip around Elmo loosened, and the Brit managed to break free, stumbling onto the ground before turning around and gasping for air.

The troll's expression didn't change, but he exhaled deeply, as if his body had given up. He toppled forwards onto the floor, a deep bloody wound in his back. Nobody had seen or heard the impact, but the damage was huge. Before anyone could speak, a lone figure holding a drill burst through a door near the wall the troll had been standing with his back to.

"Ah, shoot," began Brian, "Did I drill too fa-"

Catching sight for the first time of the ScrewAttack staff, the bleeding corpse of a troll, and the g1s who had arrived early to SGC, Pekopon was more than a little surprised. But that was nothing compared to the confusion he felt when, rather than screaming 'MURDERER!' they all cheered and applauded his accidental act of heroism.

---

Final Fantasy V - Victory Fanfare

"So then, just as all hope seemed lost, you drill straight the wall and into his back! Perfect timing Brian!"

As a few g1s were explaining exactly what had happened to the crowd, the mood was high as the feeling of victory ran throughout their bodies and minds. Only one figure seemed less than happy.

"Hey Craig," asked Oldschool Master, "Why so glum, chum?"

"We may have won, but SGC can't go on. Look around, hardly any of the arcades are working, most of them are burnt or soaked... the trolls didn't win, but they wrecked the convention!"

"Craig," began Thunderbird, "People came to the convention for the same reason they come to the site! Sure, games play a big part in it, but we came here to see you, to meet each other, to have fun, and to have a vacation to remember!"

"And I don't think anyone can say they'll be forgetting this soon..." added Killroy. "I haven't had a chance to fight like this since I beat Thunderbird at Marvel VS Capcom 2.

"That was just from cheap juggling tricks you douchebag!"

"Oh yeah? Wanna rematch?"

"Sure!"

As Killroy pulled the game from his pocket (He'd been prepared for this) and Thunderbird located one of the remaining working consoles, the crowd sat down and watched as Pekopon used his technical wizardry to help them get it shown on the announcement screen. As the game loaded and the contestants chose their fighters, the g1s happily sat down, and Craig saw the contented looks on their faces. They didn't have many consoles left, and we're getting pretty soaked just sitting down, but they were happy to be there.

So was he.

-Elmo 3000.

Elmo's Rants: 59: In Too Deep

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 21:25:03 -0500

There are a couple of songs I know that include the word 'deep', and although Sum 41's 'In Too Deep' isn't terrible, I'll go with the work of Mr Tim Vine to set the mood for this blog...

Elmo <3 Tim Vine. Seriously, go buy his DVDs.

So, how to start a rant about character depth... well, I guess I can show you what I mean behind this blog. In English, we're currently working on transformations of various pieces of literature, and one of the examples in question was a piece about a Shakespearean execution, except the aspect of a transformation was that it was modernised, and from the point of view of a girl in the crowd.

One awesome thing about my English teacher is that he doesn't have the sort of 'Game Overthinker' complex of 'I'm right and you're wrong', and it's pretty fun to have discussions and debates with him. Anyway, he liked this transformation, and I didn't. The main reason I didn't was simply because 'I don't know who this character is.'

It sounds a tad insensitive to say, 'I don't know who this person is, and therefore I'm not really interested in their point of view of things,' but there's some truth behind it. In games especially, the best storylines have dozens of memorable characters, each with their own unique personality and identity. Then of course, there are a few who aren't deep at all, but merely serve as side-characters, spewing forth nothing except occasional hints, random garbage, or very occasionally, options for a mini-game or needless side-quest.

The only two times when these incidents are worthy of a rant are when:

a) The character has a chance to be deep, but the potential isn't fulfilled.

b) The character is hailed as deep, but is actually as shallow as people who makes jokes about dead celebrities the minute they croak. Wusses.

So, bearing in mind that this is especially a list that will differ between players, I picked 3 characters I thought could have used a touch more development, and 3 characters thought of as deep that I tend to disagree with. Let's begin!

Oh, and a slight warning, if one were needed, this blog contains a major spoiler for Golden Sun and Golden Sun 2. Apart from that, there are minor little spoilers that I don't think will actually affect your playing experience of these games.

3) The Ancient Minister/ROB

Truly a 'Final Fantasy' protagonist in robot form.

Even though I haven't seen much response from the gaming community about how deep and important this character, it's implied in a few cutscenes that this guy has a deeper meaning, and it makes for a dull and predictable story.

Part of the dislike for this character comes purely from the fact that he's in Super Smash Bros Brawl, arguably the most anticipated Wii game so far. People were worked up about the Subspace Emissary so they could see Mario, Link, Samus, Kirby, Donkey Kong and Pikachu kicking ass and looking cool doing so. So, when the story begins to revolve around the emotional side of a robot, things weren't looking so good.

The 'Ancient Minister' starts doing every generic 'Bad guy turning good guy' movement in the book. The long, forlorn looks as his eyes sink and look diagonally into corners... the pauses as he retreats to leave his robot buddies to be blown up with the bombs they set. The incredibly predictable story as he eventually joins forces with the good guys. The pause worldwide before everyone playing says at the exact same time, "Who the hell is ROB?"

Even those of us who know who ROB is are confused by the focus of the Subspace Emissary on him. He was a really crappy peripheral, forgotten by many for a good reason. Slow, clunky, and unhelpful in most situations, he wasn't a huge success, so it was a shock to people when Nintendo not only brought him back in Brawl, but also made a large portion of the story revolve around him and one special ROB who was disguised as 'The Ancient Minister'.

I don't see Nintendo lining up to make the Virtual Boy a character in their next game, nor do I expect them to choose E3 2010 to unveil Wii Music 2. So, if they're willing to leave bad choices in the past, why bring one back?

There is one way I would've welcomed ROB back, and that would be by making him a 'Dan' character. You should know by now that 'Dan' is a Street Fighter character who is practically unusable due to being ridiculously terrible. Originally a parody of an old character from the makers of 'Mortal Kombat', Dan was Capcom's way of making Street Fighter that little bit funnier. I would've loved to see ROB in Brawl if he was attempting to fight, except moving slowly and breaking down every few seconds. Not only would it be funny, it would show the company's (I'm terrified of grammar nazis so I want to point out that I'm spelling it like that because there's no place for an apostrophe in 'companies') willingness to acknowledge their own mistakes.

Plus, it would be really interesting to see YouTube videos of people somehow managing to beat the crap out of other characters using an old broken ROB as a character. Still, I guess it was too much to expect. It's not like Nintendo have a track record of, say... making fun of those old 'Engrish' translations of older games...

Oh... well, it's not as if other companies do this. I've never seen Microsoft lovingly mock one of their own games like-

Oh. Fine, I suck.

BE WARNED

This is the spot that has loads of Golden Sun spoilers. I haven't got anything spoiler-wise in pictures, but just in case, you might wanna skip down until you see the next character before you start to read if you want to keep quite a big plot point in these games a surprise.

Ok, start squinting your eyes so you can barely see and start scrolling down... now!

For those of you left, whether you've played the game or simply don't care, let's go to number 2.

2) Saturos and Menardi

Move over Kratos, I've found NEW pricks...

The major spoiler from Golden Sun 2 that changes these characters (albeit slightly, in my eyes) is a long and complex plot change which I'll try to summarize. Menardi and Saturos are the bad guys in Golden Sun, and for good reason. I'll probably go into detail of their misdeeds later, but to be blunt, they're trying to light the 4 elemental lighthouses, and you're trying to stop them. The big surprise is that it turns out that lighting the lighthouses would restore alchemy to the world, which would save the hometown of Menardi and Saturos, as well as the world. Yay!

So, quick question, why exactly do you feel the need to be such twats in rescuing the world? Really?

Let's start with their method of... starting. You can either go into a village, explain nicely what your mission is, and politely ask 'Can we please be let into the mountain to get the 4 elemental stars, and if you say no, we'll probably do it anyway, but that might set off a trap system, so please be careful!'

Of course not! You just charge in, cause a massive frickin' boulder to decimate the village, piss off to leave the innocents to try and deal with it, kidnap a guy from the village and train him to fight for you, and when you bump into Isaac and Garet, who are running to get help for one of the victims from the disaster YOU caused, you knock them out, because they overheard the conversation you were having while you were standing right out in the open.

And then, 3 years later, COME BACK AND DO IT AGAIN!

After following some of the survivors into the mountain, kidnap an old man who was leading them and the sister of the child you kidnapped and raised to fight for your side, and remember, at all times speak in an arrogant and powerful way. It just SCREAMS, 'I'm secretly fighting on the side of good.' Force two kids to get the rest of the elemental stars for you, then leave them to die when the place starts to collapse, even after promising the safe return of their friend and then breaking that promise.

When you get to the first elemental lighthouse and light it, remember not to give the people following you a HINT that you're good. Instead, jump into battle to kill more innocents, with more arrogance than Kratos mixed with... Piers Morgan.

When you get to the second lighthouse, remember to be arrogant in defeat too, even when the good guys defeat your second form, a strange two-headed dragon. Remember to make deals with the good guys when they want to safe return of another innocent person, then back down and/or change the deal once you've gotten what you want. After all, that's what good guys do!

In a side-rant, Felix (The guy they kidnap at the beginning) makes Golden Sun 2 less enjoyable for me by making one of those 'has to be done in game but is actually unbelievably stupid' decisions after you finally defeat Saturos and Menardi. The arrogance seems to rub off on him as he continues the task of lighting the lighthouses without any explanation to the others, only telling them that they are 'poor fools'.

Actually, Felix goes one worse than that. Here's some dialogue from the epilogue after the final battle, after Menardi has graciously and humbly said, "We are superior in every way, but still we were defeated..." Way to go out with your own head up your...

Ivan: They're gone, Felix! You don't have to light the beacons any more!

Felix: Yes, I do. If I don't light the beacons...

Garet: What will happen?

Felix: It's no use talking about it... Just wait and see!

I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA, YOU STUPID, STUPID STUUUUUUPIIIID GUY! Why don't you reveal the big secret, that lighting the beacons is a GOOD thing, and then get on with it? Effing moron! But hey, why would you want to do that when instead, you can take what you inherited from Menardi and Saturos, and leave any hint that you're not a douchebag hidden in the kind of cryptic format that makes you look like an angst-ridden wanker of a philosophy student? IDIOT!

Overall, I'm not saying that Menardi and Saturos have no character whatsoever, but there's too much building up of them as villains to mean that you can just turn the plot around and say, "Surprise! They were good guys!" No they weren't. They may have been trying overall to create a better world (Although that was mainly just to save their hometown,) but everything about the way they did it gave off the message that they were pricks, and I was happy when I killed them.

They're still not as bad as Kratos though. No, Kratos is not number 1 on this trio.

1) Ganondorf!

So anyway, Ganondorf is said to have quite a deep character, but I find this wrong in many, many ways. The deepness is a bit overrated when you consider the comparisons with...

Hold on a second, got the wrong picture there...

DUN DUN DUUUN!!!

Yeah, I'm going out on a limb and saying that personally, Ganondorf in 'The Wind Waker' is not a deep character. He's probably the deepest incarnation of Ganondorf we've ever seen in a Zelda game, but that's not saying much, regarding his timeline.

The Legend of Zelda: Ganon is a pissed off pig-monster that wants to take over Hyrule.

A Link to the Past: Ganon is a pissed off pig-monster that wants to take over Hyrule.

Ocarina of Time: Ganondorf is a male from the Gerudo tribe in the desert. He wants to get the Triforce to take over Hyrule. After battle, he turns into a pissed off pig-monster.

Twilight Princess: Ganondorf is sentenced to be executed, but seeks help from the Twilight realm after fighting his executors. In a strange turn of events, you fight him as a pissed off pig-monster, and THEN in his natural Gerudo form. Crazy!

Wind Waker: ... Ganondorf wants to destroy... what is left of Hyrule. The difference is that this time, he gives a 'In less than a minute, explain your motives!' reason, the reason being that he was jealous of the fact that wind brought harsh sandy heat in the desert, and chilling winds at night, whereas it was nicer in Hyrule. I'm not saying it isn't nice to get a bit of backstory, but the way some people talk about it makes it seem less like a minute-long motive (Motive, not justification) and more like a half-an-hour journey of discovery.

Bit of advice here Ganondorf, why didn't you just move?

Now, I think some people interpret this little backstory differently than I do, and I can't tell them they're wrong, because everyone's interpretation is different. Instead, all I can do is explain my interpretation, and hope they can understand it. On a lighter sidenote, as I write about the wind in the desert carrying searing heat, it just started snowing again in Britain! Beautiful, instantly-landing snow, none of that 'melts as soon as it touches the ground' crap. Yay!

For one thing, I don't think Ganondorf was driven crazy by the wind, I think it's more of an excuse than a reason. Dozens of Gerudo people must have been bothered by the wind, but none of them waged a war against Hyrule. Besides, I think we can all safely agree that Ganondorf is an evil, evil guy who wants nothing more than to rule over Hyrule. Chances are, when he goes on about his past, he could just be trying to get Link's guard down so that he can get on with stealing his piece of the Triforce from him.

Ganondorf doesn't really seem to me like the kind of person who was once reasonable, then a twisted event turned him bad. To be blunt, he's a douchebag, and it works! A lot of successful series have villains that work for no reason other than being douchebags. Mother Brain was a douchebag! Bowser, Dracula and Dr Wily are douchebags. They don't have any reason for being douchebags, but they still work well as villains.

To be fair, that 40 seconds of talking about the wind does give this iteration of Ganondorf much more backstory than other Zelda games, but compared to other series in general, it's just not right to say he has a deep character. Deep characters are just about everyone in Tales of Symphonia. Deep characters have side-quests and development. Deep characters have more than one long speech per game.

A deep character could not fit in his entire backstory from 0:12 to 0:40.

And so, another blog ends. This is one that I'd especially like to hear suggestions from other people about, just because I found it pretty hard to find characters like this, so if you can think of any particular character you wanted to have a deeper backstory, or any character that people say is amazing who... isn't really that deep at all, feel free to include it in a comment.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 58: ReV4lution?

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:37:55 -0500

After seeing some things by Thunderbird, some complaints on Skype, and some changes myself, I thought I'd try to finalize the V4 argument. On the one hand, ScrewAttack are quite clearly becoming more successful, which any g1 for the site would be thrilled about. On the other hand, things are a lot tougher now for veteran g1s. You've added innovation to the site, but taken out a lot of things that frankly, weren't doing anyone any harm.

To put it bluntly, ScrewAttack is the Nintendo Wii.

SCREWIITACK!

The only major difference I can think of is that a lot of Wii-Haters nowadays are idiots, who just can't handle the new audience. Then there are the people who believe that the company are putting the new audience ahead of the old audience. Then there are the people who say, 'Screw it!' and just keep playing.

In the same sense, ScrewAttack are making things to appeal to new people, but, without trying to sound like a Wii OR ScrewAttack hater, a few old features have gone, and will be sorely missed. I'll come to what seems to be the biggest issue soon, but for now I'll stick to a few minor annoyances.

This one, for example.

Alright, I'm no Phoenix Wright, but I believe the defendant told us that our comments and blogs would not change. Prosecutor, if you would try to locate a reply you left to a comment on my blog please...

'Alright Elmo, let's... hey, where'd it go?'

Aha! My point exactly prosecutor! All replies have comments have GONE (In addition to the ability to edit your comments.) Not only that, but replies are all vertical, so if someone replies to a reply... YOU CAN'T TELL WHICH REPLY THEY'RE REPLYING TOO! That's not great. Also prosecutor... can I call you Mr P?

'No.'

Alrighty then Mr P, if you would be so kind, scroll up and look at whichever pre-V4 blog it was that you were commenting on.

'Don't call me that... Ok, fine, I'm scrolling and... OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE? Everything's messy, the pictures aren't in the right place, there are NO SPACES between paragraphs or anything! It's just one big mess!'

Exactly, Mr P! Now, whilst new bloggers may not see the trouble with this, and whilst some old bloggers frankly don't care, for someone like me who likes to keep all his stuff in check, I really don't want to have 169 ugly and un-formatted blogs. That will be one hell of a ***** to edit.

'Watch the language!'

Fine... well, my final exhibit, look at all my sexy g1 points.

'Why certainly, I seem to recall- Hang on.'

Yes Mr P?

'Well *Slaps Elmo* I was just about to say there seems to be some sort of mistake. It says here you have 104 points. I thought you had more than 100x those!'

Well, I did. To be honest, I can understand the logic of starting anew on this site, I just wish there was some sort of... acknowledgement of my points. Obviously 20,000 people have charged into the new site thinking, "NO OLD POINTS! FREE-FOR-ALL!" but there was always going to be one guy left behind saying, "Hey... I liked my points..."

'ScrewAttack should send you a hat.'

Thank you Mr P! It sucked that I was 3 months away from achieving the 'Year of Destruction' award too. It's nothing big, just imagine all your achievements were deleted from Xbox Live. All of them. Try beating 'Through The Fire And The Flames' on Expert again NOW, fool!

'How did this whole 'You talking to a prosecutor' thing start anyway?'

I think it was a Phoenix Wright reference that got out of hand. I'll relieve you of your duties now, Mr P.

Apart from what's missing from V3, there seems to be one main argument on this site about a new feature...

You spelt Dalai Lama wrong... he is not part animal.

Yes, the g1 spotlight. It seems to be both too easy to get onto, and too hard to get onto simultaneously. Well, thanks to an interesting analogy from Whitly, I can make another comparison, just as ScrewAttack was like the Wii.

The g1 spotlight is... Digg.

Nothing sums up Digg like this, except perhaps a drunk troll trying to set fire to the internet.

Digg is quite a hard website to get onto, and having had things on there, I wouldn't recommend it. For starters, I'm not the perfect blogger, but I tend to believe my newer things are better than my older things. Nowadays, I try to have enough sarcasm and cynicism to be amusing, but not enough to look like a dick. My old blogs, at least the ones submitted to Digg, were all Top 10s.

The last blog of mine that ended up on Digg was my Top 10 Favourite Boss Battles. By now, I'd learned to call Top 10s 'Favourite' rather than 'Best' to help minimize flaming. Note I say 'Minimize' rather than 'Stop', since stopping flaming on Digg is like making every comment on YouTube well-thought-out and intelligent. Never gonna (give you up!) happen. Ever.

So, why did my old stuff end up on there? Well, it was a bit generic really, and that's what you usually end up doing if you want to get a mass audience. I'm not surprised the last fifty or so blogs I've done haven't been submitted, since they just wouldn't belong there. Here, I'll try to simulate the overall Digg reaction of a typical Elmo's Rant.

ilyke*****ez said (12 minutes ago): WTF IS THIS ****? WHO THE F*** IS ELMO 3000?

ilykehoes said (9 minutes ago): I disagree with everything they said.

ilykeslags said (6 minutes ago): Who is Elmo 3000, and why the hell would I care what he thinks about God of War? Buried!

imobviouslyovercompensating said (3 minutes ago): CRAPPPP!

Alright, I'm actually exaggerating a lot (Because you guys really couldn't tell) because on my last visit to Digg, in that Top 10 Favourite Boss Battles blog, I only actually got one mean comment. The rest were fairly nice. Although I don't approve whoever copied and pasted it to 'bspcn' or whatever that website is. The comments there had less intelligence than a corpse watching South Park.

So if Digg is like this, surely it's not bad to have the g1 spotlight, away from the prying eyes and typing trolls? Well, that's the main problem; It's selective and a tad too easy.

When I say 'selective' I mean they pick things that would look great on the g1 spotlight section on the front page of a laid back gaming website, which was pretty much to be expected. That's another reason why this blog won't be on there; I hope ScrewAttack read this, but even I hope they wouldn't put a criticism of their's on the front page of the site.

But still, the g1 spotlight here is a tad... subjective. Admittedly, ALL blogs are subjective when it comes to how good they are, but still... The list of Top 10 Characters to Shoot in the Face looked pretty similar to another website's, and it was also remarkably... stock. I mean, Navi, Slippy, Duck Hunt Dog, Mr Resetti... Yawn...

That's not still there though, so I'll move the Elmo-laser. I feel like I'm *****ing about other g1s, so I won't be mean, but I think there could be improvement done to Gamepopper's Top 5 Final Bosses. Rather than going into detail, I'll just leave a comment, but on this blog so that people can see what I'm saying about the g1 spotlight.

"Entertaining read, not a bad list. It's always nice to see Giygas get some love. *Insert colon followed by end-bracket, which usually makes a smiley face but instead just makes a small white box appear*.

Still, there are some improvements to be made. It's good that you mastered how to put in pictures and videos, but you didn't really say much. The blog went paragraph-picture-paragraph-picture... I can tell by your writing that you have the talent to write more. What sets this boss apart from others? What's unique? What's it's most fearsome attack? How hard is it? There are so many more things to say about these bosses!

Overall a good blog though, I liked it. I hope to see great things from you in the future!"

I think that's a pretty fair comment to leave. That's one difference between V3 and V4; I don't think half the things in the 'g1 spotlight' would have gotten top posted in V3. No offense to people; Thanks to the size of the g1 spotlight, we've been able to fit in more quality things (Up to 12 at a time!) which is awesome! But, it seems effort isn't being made to seek out from all corners of the site WHICH things deserve to be there. Heck, you could always do what the moderators did in V3 if nothing good was found; Don't lower your standards, just don't bother top-posting anything until something good comes along.

The g1 points gained from the g1 spotlight raise another decent issue. Whilst many bloggers who looked up at the previous leaderboard and thought they could never get there are now having fun getting points easier, there's just one problem.

There are actually WAY less methods for getting g1 points now.

There used to be some variety! Come to the site every day for a week, or even a month! Get 100 Diggs! Refer a friend to ScrewAttack! Write a blog that gets top-posted!

Now we have blog, comment, spotlight, blog, comment, spotlight... Hell, it doesn't even have to be a good blog or a good comment! It's a new form of spamming!

I know I sound a tad bitter, but there WAS a reason for the leaderboard, other than showing off your e-penis. See, if somebody new came to ScrewAttack a few weeks ago, and wanted to know how to write something good...

Well, first he'd check out some videos by Digital Debaser, before seeing some interesting lists by Thunderbird. He could top it all off by a read of some of hate-breeder's entertaining Top 5s, and if he still craved amusement, he could check out Jet Fire's Top 100!

Nowadays... well, 4 of the Top 5 are ScrewAttack members. Other than that, we have a blogger whose written 22 blogs in 6 days. *Note to seraphmaclay, I'm happy to see such enthusiasm on the site, but we tend to have a limit of how much you should post in a day. Keep it at a maximum of 2, and try to space them out. Thanks. =)

Seriously, when I started writing this, I had no idea I'd stumble upon all of this 5 minutes in. V4 has more problems than I thought.

Anyway, I'll head straight to the last point, since it's the reason for quite a few of these problems...

See that? 4 blogs, all on the front page, all posted quickly, and between them... no comments and one rating. That's what happens... when a website is overrun. ScrewAttack have officially over-reached the users. This sounds like a good thing, and there are very large positive sides, but I still couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time when I saw this a few minutes ago.

That's what happens when a website is overrun and you can't find anything!

Now, I'm obviously not going to say, "Get less users, ScrewAttack!" but I do have some suggestions for the site, that I think a lot of other g1s would agree on.

1) Don't remove things that worked in V3.

I don't mean big things that evidently HAD to undergo large changes in order to make the site different, but little touches like... being able to edit a comment after you leave it, or being able to embed Youtube videos. Hell, I'm REALLY confused by the change of Photobucket links required, since it looks like you're encouraging people to hotlink rather than using their own pictures. That's not good. Hotlinking leads to people being able to replace your pictures with wangs.

2) Pay Silent_Protagonist to make another embedding tutorial.

By far, one of the most helpful things in V3 was if you clicked on the 'More' section in the blogs, and you saw Silent Protagonist's guide to EVERYTHING that could make your blogs better. Embedding videos, modifying picture sizes, adding bullet points, sweet Lord, this blog probably had more impact on uncertain new bloggers than all constructive criticism in comments put together. If we're going to have floods of new users, this is a NECESSITY.

3) Try to fix old blogs.

There's either two things that can happen with this choice.

Either you somehow have a way to restore all the replies to comments, and hopefully the format of our old blogs so they don't look horrendous, in which case hopefully you can restore them from us, leading to everyone giving you +5 ScrewAttack cool points for your ability to respond to this problem positively.

Or, you can say, "Sorry, the comments and format are gone for good." We are liable to get annoyed by this, so it's best if you have Corey say it to us with a 'sad puppy' expression on her face. We won't be able to stay mad at you, and at least you'll have admitted the mistake. +1 ScrewAttack cool point.

Ignoring the problem completely results in -2 ScrewAttack cool points. Don't go down that road!

4) Come up with more balanced ways to get g1 points.

Blog, comment, repeat, no quality check. Blog, comment, repeat, no quality check. I don't think I'm the only one thinking this isn't working out. Maybe make g1 points have something to do with ratings, like if someone rates your work 10, and that gives you 10 points. That way, even if it's not completely balanced, there's some form of quality check.

Also, I know this is too late to say now, but I always thought a good way to make it easier to get higher up the leaderboard would be to divide everyone's g1 points by 10. That way, my 13,000 lead would be reduced very quickly to a small 1,300, but I still wouldn't feel as if I'd just had my gamerscore completely erased.

Or send me a hat. I like hats.

5) MOAR!

Towards the end of V3's lifespan, I liked the way you could go to the blog page and scroll through about 20 blogs. Well, now that's pretty much a necessity. A lot of old bloggers are getting a bit disgruntled that they can write something for 3 hours, only for a wave of new blogs to knock it out in a few minutes. I'm not kidding, in half an hour, your blog will have GONE from both the front page, and the blog section. Good luck finding it after THAT!

It doesn't help that all ScrewAttack updates are now made via the recent posts section, rather than... the site. If something mediocre knocks your blog off, it's annoying, but if your blog is posted seconds before the new VGR and Hard News, nobody will even notice your work at all.

So, as someone who doesn't ever really read the 'taster' bits of blogs (I tend to look at the title and make a decision on that. The taster is too short anyway) I think we could just have a list of their titles and their authors, and therefore fit in about 25 per page. With a website that's getting a startling increase in users, it's for the best if we let all their stuff be seen.

In the same way, when faced with criticism about the leaderboard, I always had a simple solution; Make it a Top 10! A Top 5 is a rather odd number for a leaderboard, and besides, people will be a lot more enthusiastic about working for that elusive spot if it's actually within reach. Ditto with the top user blogs.

I'm only saying this because I've talked to a surprisingly (and alarmingly) high number of veteran g1s who seem to be thinking, "I might as well just pack it in for now... My last blog got 2 ratings and one comment, what's the point in carrying on when your stuff if swept away in a tide of new blogs?" The only way to stop this from happening is if we make more space for the increase in work we're seeing.

As always, I want to point out what the site has done right. The friends system, subscribers, a return of ratings that doesn't suck (Although it seems 3 people have set something to 'automatically' rate a blog, since before I even post anything, it's rated 7.7 with 3 votes...) and the forums are all welcome additions to ScrewAttack. I just thought that if any website on the net could somehow make a transition as easy as possible, it would be ScrewAttack. Heck, to be blunt, I don't want to see the website which has replaced my social life for 1.5 years get to a stage where I don't really see the point in posting things there any more.

As a final note, I distinctly remember seeing some criticism of the site responded to by someone saying that we should all remember that the site is still drastically new, and changes will be made. But I just want to point out, if anything, that means it's an even better time for me to talk about the things that aren't great. Not much sense in waiting until everything's calmed down to start saying, "I have a problem with this!"

As always, thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Ideas for Lazy Bloggers 3: We suck!

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:07:16 -0500

Hey, you over there! You suck! Don't take it personally, I do too. So does that guy over there, and that guy next to him.

Everyone sucks! Nintendo sucks, Sony sucks, Microsoft sucks. My computer sucks, your computer sucks. Even ScrewAttack members can occasionally suck! The NES sucks, the SNES sucks, the PS2 sucks, the Gamecube...

Alright, the Gamecube is perfect. But everything else is terrible. Including us. So how come we've gotten away with it?

Let's face it; as gamers, we tend to criticise all that we can. If there's a slight graphic imperfection in a Halo game, we pounce like the fat, lazy tigers we are. If there's a level in an otherwise stellar game that doesn't keep us captivated every second we play through it, we emphasize it as one big flaw that keeps us from enjoying the game. If our friend destroys his Xbox with 2 hits of a baseball bat, but our's breaks after just ONE hit, we complain about the shoddy workmanship.

So why don't we take a lighthearted look at why WE, the gamers ourselves, completely and utterly fail? Not all of us will have the same flaws, but it's safe to say that we all have some slight gaming imperfections, whether it's bias, impatience, or just a general lack of skills at a certain game (Just because I'm good at XIII doesn't mean I'd last a second against someone in a more famous FPS.)

I'll get the ball rolling on this issue with the 2 biggest gaming flaws I have.

1) Change-Fearing

ALL I SEE IS POTENTIAL FOR FAILURE!

I should point out first of all that I actually don't see anything bad with Spirit Tracks yet, I just couldn't think of any other recent game that is feared because it contains change. I'll have to wait and see what this game is like before judging it, which is something that I can't always do, being a change-fearing person.

As is usually the case in change-fearers, it stems from 2 things; Bad experiences with change, and strokes of pessimism. Change isn't good for me. Change is scary and different, with many possible outcomes, few of which are good. A few years ago, my father got a new job, and we all underwent a change in moving. My social life now consists of an argument between this website and my Gamecube, both trying to take up the majority of my time. As humourous as it is to imagine Stuttering Craig trying to duel with Tales of Symphonia for my soul, it doesn't make me like change.

It happens with games too. Part of my initial dislike of the Wii was the thought of change; After all, Wii Sports isn't a game for me, and it showed a change in the Nintendo audience. What was actually happening was Nintendo cashing in on a whole new market, in order to essentially make games accessible for even larger audience, which could quadruple their sales. Or more.

What I saw was Nintendo packing a bag and threatening to leave me forever, and for some reason, I thought the only thing I could do to stop them was whine about it on the internet. Unsurprisingly, it didn't help.

Overall, I've learned that change is another word for innovation though. Change made the sanity meter in Eternal Darkness. Change added FLUDD to Super Mario Sunshine. Change is what makes the video game industry so vastly different to music, movies and TVs. Still though, I do seem to look at change with a certain pessimism.

Take Version 4.0 for example.

What I should've said: Great new profiles, more information than the last version, but less than Facebook! Perfect!

What I actually said: ... All the replies to comments are gone...

What I should've said: A subscription system? Awesome, now I'll never miss a blog again!

What I actually said: ... All my g1 points are gone, and 169 of my blogs need to be re-formatted and spaced...

What I should've seen: The g1 spotlight, a chance for my work to get on the front page of ScrewAttack!

What I actually saw:

*Facepalm*

Still, if it weren't for me being a grumpy gus, I guess I wouldn't have 57 rants under my belt. Thanks, side of me that always looks on the down side of life, you're my ticket to success, in a miserable way. Alright, onto the second reason I really suck.

2) Hyperactive Conscience

Dick

I think I need to make something clear, since this caused confusion the last time I brought up Kratos; Having a hyperactive conscience is NOT a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I like the fact that I always try to give money to charities and lend a helping hand to people to who need it. It's not preachy, it's just stuff that makes me feel like a decent person. Everyone needs to have one or two things like that.

Still, it causes inconvenience. On my way into a bank, a homeless woman of... questionable speaking skills asked if I'd buy the Big Issue, and I told her I'd buy one on the way out of the bank, since I was cashing a cheque. The problem was, since it takes a while for a cheque to clear, I couldn't withdraw money, and I accidentally had to ask the bank to sneak me out through the alternate exit because I couldn't face walking past the homeless woman again. A person of lesser stupidity would not have done this.

In the same way, having a hyperactive conscience when gaming is annoying. I mean, I'm glad that I have no desire whatsoever to play any of those sick Japanese rape-simulators, but it's annoying when I look at a game like God of War and think, "Great graphics, great gameplay, great bosses, this could be an awesome game for me... if I could bring myself to control the character."

Trust me, I've looked at the workings of Kratos from every angle, and every time, it shows him to be a massive twat. I cannot play a game in which I'll cheer every time I die. Seriously, I'd spend the whole time making Kratos fall off cliffs, and I'd laugh every time something beat him. Dick. I know that Kratos tragically lost his wife and child when Ares tricked him into killing them, but lets go over the ground rules of why I hope Kratos gets hit by a truck.

1) Kratos, in an act of cowardice, promises to be Ares' servant if the war god saves his life. Thus, not only does he make a stupid, stupid deal, but it also means that technically, when Ares made Kratos kill his family, he wasn't doing anything wrong! Obviously it was a horrible thing for Ares to do, but that's why you shouldn't place your trust in the FREAKING GOD OF WAR!

2) Kratos kills innocent people in order to get to who he really wants to kill. I hope that at the end of God of War 3, all the families of the people HE killed band together and kick him in the balls for all eternity. He's so angry, he doesn't think twice about committing the same actions that he's out to kill Ares for. Prick.

3) He's a thicko. The only reason the Gods didn't mind him killing Ares was because Ares was misusing his God powers to let his army attack cities. So, what does Kratos do?

He misuses his God powers to let his army attack cities, against Athena's wise warning, and then has the nerve to say that Zeus is betraying HIM. My God, this is downright the most idiotic videogame character I've ever met. There are NPCs who stand in games and repeat the same sentence for all eternity, and even they're smarter than Kratos. Kratos is the Magikarp of video game characters.

4) He's a thicko (Again)

After he manages to kill the sisters of fate and take control of the thread of his life, he rewinds it to the moment Zeus 'betrays' him. Quick question you mythological bastard; Why not rewind it to the point before you killed your family? Is it because deep down, you're happier just mindlessly killing everyone in sight than getting your family back?

They're the main reasons I hate him, but I have to admit that I'm very curious as to how God of War 3 will end. After all, it would hardly be a happy ending at all if Kratos just killed Zeus and took over Olympus. Who knows, maybe everything he does leads up to him being able to rewind time, and thus EVERYONE is able to live happily ever after. If that happens, I'll happily eat my own words.

Still, as much as I hate him, I can vaguely understand why people still play the game. Partly because it has an epic storyline, partly because it's unique, and partly because other people can distinguish between fiction and reality! I don't ever want to emphasize with Kratos, but at the same time, it's impossible to, since he DOES NOT EXIST!

That's one big flaw of mine in gaming, even though it only really affects this one franchise. I was still able to snipe someone this morning in 'James Bond, 007: Nightfire' (Mildly above-average game) without wondering, "I wonder if they have family, kids, what their mother said when they were first handed to them as a baby, and gazed upon lovingly, with only teary eyes and hope for the future...)

I may have just made you feel guilty for shooting that nameless grunt in Modern Warfare 2 now, and I apologise. Although, speaking of which, I can link in my hyperactive conscience to another problem, albeit much more manageable.

No Russian? I only ever studied French, German and Latin anyway...

The mission 'No Russian' in Modern Warfare 2 raised a lot of eyebrows, since you play as an undercover agent who is gaining the trust of a terrorist team by slaughtering innocents at an airport. Not only did it spark debate in the gaming community, but it also gained a mention on Fox News, that 'oh-so-reliable source' of unbalanced, utterly biased, misinformed, ill-researched, scapegoating, ignorant, opinionated, highly subjective bull honky.

I wouldn't play this level, but that's just because there are flaws in it to me. See, the terrorist group you're infiltrating seems to have a very powerful leader, who is with you. You have a rapid-fire gun. You could quite easily kill him, and at least a few of his henchmen, before ducking for cover behind a corner and engaging in a fight with the rest of the terrorists. Not only would you have defeated the terrorists, but you'd also have saved about a thousand innocent lives. Of course, this wouldn't fit in with the story, and it would make the game a lot shorter, although Modern Warfare 2 seems to be a large contender for 'Game that lacked a lot of common sense for the purpose of keeping the story dramatic'.

(I'm no Gamesradar fan, but this article was interesting and well-written. http://www.gamesradar.com/f/modern-warfare-2s-glaring-plot-holes-exposed/a-20091120123332495077 )

Still, the one thing that makes any complaint about this level completely and utterly baseless is the simple fact that you're actually allowed to skip it! If more game developers thought like this, I'd have nothing to rant about!

So, even though I tend to play games a few years late, and I wasn't going to plausibly have any contact with this game for at least 3 years, I thought I could still tie it in to the hyperactive conscience problem. There's nothing wrong at all with having a conscience, but when you can't bring yourself to end the life of a fictional, non-living character in a game, something might be wrong.

So there are 2 things that really suck about myself as a gamer. I'm sure there are more, but it's better for my ego if we stop now. Feel free to tell me exactly what gaming qualities you hate about yourself, in comments or blogs of your own. After all, this mini-series is meant to inspire people to write too, not just read.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 57: Catalogue of Fail

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:39:09 -0500

Alright, after typing this blog up for 2 and a half hours, my mother managed to destroy it in 3 seconds. I love my parents, but good God do they annoy the crap out of me...

Anyway, I've already blogged about 4.0, so I can't really blog about it again. Sure, in passing I'll make comments about how I find it odd that all the replies to any comment on any blog have just... vanished, and how annoying it is to embed Youtube videos and Photobucket pictures through the 'Html' option of the blog, (C'mon guys, no Photobucket and Youtube compatability?) but I'll give them credit for carrying out the profiles in a way that gives enough information to be mildly entertaining, but not enough that makes it look like a Facebook profile.

Also, before I've even posted a blog, it looks like it has 3 votes on it, and an overall score of 7.7. Have some people set something up to automatically give me scores or something? Cause the 2 people possibly giving me a 10 automatically, thanks! But, the guy automatically giving me a 3 every time... Screw you!

Anyway, my catalogue of fail is... my big log of blogs. There are very few blogs on the site that I've written that I'm truly satisfied with writing, and people can usually tell. Still, there are some blogs that I look at, am not satisfied with, but realise that I'll probably never be happy with them, and I should just settle with them for now.

Then, there's the crap. The REAL crap.

A lot of my older blogs on this site were not good to say the least, and rubbish to say the most. So, after realising recently that I didn't want to just leave them there, I figured I could give them a memorial. A blog in which I reveal just why I wanted to get rid of these things so much. Brace yourself, we're going in.

Exhibit A

Original Premise: Top 5 games that, despite being out recently, have already gained the feeling of overuse and unoriginality, possibly needing a facelift.

The Actual Thing: It was eerily similar to a Gamesradar article released at a near time. That's not a good motto to live by, is it? "The stuff I don't hate, I steal!"

Anyway, I'm still surprisingly impressionable. Not in the way that Grand Theft Auto would make me kill a prostitute, but in the way that if I read a good story, I want to try and write one. 'A Clockwork Console' was a blog I wrote after reading 'A Clockwork Orange' purely because I wanted to try and add in games somehow, which ended up not working too well because I had no friggin' idea just what message I was trying to say, although this is partly because I have no idea what the overall message in the book is either.

In the same way, I wrote a very strange fanfiction which all led to an incident strikingly similar to Chapter 8 of 'Bloodline' by Kevin Brooks, and I really have an urge to write an action book, which is obviously completely unrelated to the fact that I've recently been reading many many Matthew Reilly books (Ice Station is a must-read, by the way...)

So, when I saw a countdown like this a year ago, I didn't think twice about taking the idea and using it myself. The only major problem here was that I tended to agree with a lot of their choices, hence only 2 of the picks in my blog were different to the ones Gamesradar picked as well. Still, it never felt right, somebody in the comments figured it out anyway, and this blog is rightfully deleted... albeit a year late.

Lesson to be Learned: Don't rip-off other ideas. You can take an idea and change it if you like, since I really enjoyed Famous Fives which actually came from a music magazine (They did the same thing with 5 albums a band did) and Room 101 was a TV show in which people tried to put about 5 things they hated into 'Room 101', so I made that about games and it worked pretty well too. Still, your idea should be at least 66% different to the original for you to get any credit.

Exhibit B

Original Premise: A blogger writes out which retro games he has already beaten, and asks the community to suggest new ones that could entertain him.

The Actual Thing: A fairly short blog that belongs in the forums.

I'll admit that I don't go on the forums much, but that's because, apart from the password fiasco V3 had (People need to say 'fiasco' more, it's such a neat word. On that note, somebody at school today described the weather as 'blustering'. I love my life!) people always get told that if they write really dull, one-sentence blogs, they should put them in the forums.

Written two sentences, one of which is 'HI!'? Go to the forums!

Want to introduce yourself in 5 words or less? It's forum time!

Got a dirty short story about Starburst or Tuna? To the forums!

Banned from blogging for softcore pornography? FORUMS FORUMS FORUMS!

Still, even though I lightheartedly mock the forums, as I'm doing now, you shouldn't just think of them as the dumping ground for all your rubbish. If they were, I'd be re-posting these bad blogs there rather than just deleting them all.

Lesson to be Learned: Don't post simple questions on the front page of the site, just ask someone friendly in the forums. Don't spam the forums with stupidity either. Even though randomness can be funny at times, plain nonsensical stuff is very hit or miss. Some days, I'll laugh at 'HAY GUYS I LYKE DOGGIES!' Other days, I may report it.

Exhibit C

Original Premise: A blog made for 'Blog Day', an old ScrewAttack feature in which everyone blogged on the same subject... thus making none of the blogs really stand out that much... Eh, I tried...

The Actual Thing: A selfish anti-Wii thing. To explain why I'm able to accept casual gaming nowadays, I can use a handy example from the paper today.

The new Twilight movie was reviewed in one of the papers today, and I saw they gave it 1 star. Now, I'm no Twilight fan, I haven't even read the books or seen the movies, but I AM blessed with a large amount of common sense, so I'm not looking to read or watch. Why? I don't think it's aimed at me.

Now, that's a concept that many, MANY, stupid middle-aged disgruntled people looking for something to hate have failed to understand. If you're a 30 year old ranting about why Twilight sucks, you are an idiot. If you're a 25 year old ranting about why Twilight sucks, you're still a bit of an idiot. If you're a 16 year old girl who thinks Twilight sucks, I'll hear you out, for the simple reason that you were the target demographic; the intended audience!

Angry middle-aged people, Twilight was not aimed at you, you are not MEANT to like it, and saying you watched it and didn't find it entertaining is just... kinda creepy. Really, why did you watch it?

In the same way, I used to think there must be something bad about a game if I didn't like it, but after seeing other trolls and realising I didn't want to be like them, I began to admire games that I wouldn't play. I'm now able to look at God of War 2 (I'll leave playing the game to people who can safely distinguish between games and reality, since Kratos' character still ruins the game for me), Animal Crossing, and Wii Sports Resort and say, "Well, I'D never play them, but they look pretty good."

Lesson to be Learned: Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it sucks.

Exhibit D:

Original Premise: See for yourself, this blog was so short I could copy and paste the entire thing.

The Actual Thing: A very long forum question. Again with what should be in the forums.

I still think that deep down, it's an ok question, since we've already reached perfected online play on consoles, but it wasn't deserving of a blog all on it's own. Plus, when I say 'I recently said in a blog' or something, I mean I'd posted it about an hour ago. I don't know the strict rules for blog posting, but you should never have 2 blogs on the same 'Recent Blogs' page at the same time. It's not right.

So... yeah, this blog didn't really do anything. Seeing as I don't have much to say about this one, I can go ahead and chuck in an honourable mention, a blog in which I compared old games to new games, but, being a rather elitist retro person at the time, I chose old games having the advantage all the time, which was probably a mistake. I made a valid point, which was old games could have good graphics because they were still pushing the boundaries, rather than all new games that look similarly good. Then again, I then said this made old games better, which... it doesn't.

So, why isn't that blog deleted too? Well, you can blame a ScrewAttack member, who commented so nicely that I did not dare delete the blog.

That's right, it's all that devilishly handsome Highschool Ben's fault. Not mine at all. *Eyes shift*

Lesson to be Learned: Don't bring up the same points in blogs over and over. Don't.

Don't.

Exhibit E:

Original Premise: Nintendo are top of the sales charts, but their fans want more. What can they do to keep their sales and their legend?

The Actual Thing: A large Wii rant, relating from Miis to Wii Music (THAT'S NEVER BEEN TALKED ABOUT BEFORE!) casual gaming, fitness games, and online play.

Rather than once again explaining why I don't feel this way any more, I could tell you all the amazing(ly mediocre) story of what pushed me over the edge, and stopped me becoming the kind of militant Wii Hater that would make Whitly's teeth grind.

Somebody made a blog of some kind complaining about the Wii. Nothing new in that, except the complaints were horrible. Literally. One of this person's genuine complaints was that he beat someone at a sports game, but the Wii wouldn't let him trash talk. I can actually quote him (Although I must obsessively correct his spelling,) he wanted to send a message saying, "You just got butt-raped by the *Insert Sports Team*. Street-life mutha****a!"

What kind of dick do you have to be to complain that you're not allowed to do that? Geez... he went on to say that since he could only send pre-selected messages like 'Owned!', he proceeded to spam the guy with 'Owned!' 50 times before signing out. Oh, what a lovable guy this sounds like. He goes on to complain about the lack of Virtual Console games, saying, "Half of them I don't like and half I haven't heard of."

In other words, he hadn't heard of any of them. Genius. He went on to try and substitute the F word into every game he had, including the ingeniously inventive, "Sonic the ****hog." Good Lord, did you hurt your brain cell thinking that up? Don't think too hard, your IQ may decrease from the single-digit number it is, and you'll need that much to run the bath you'll hopefully drown in.

=D Elmo is full of hatred. Nasty vile hatred.

Oh yeah, the blog... what was I meant to be talking about? Ah yes, the Top 10 Nintendo blog thing... well, overall it was just a biased rant. Don't get me wrong, I don't praise everything Nintendo do now, and I'm still annoyed at the marketting techniques they use with games like Wii Fit and Brain Training, but I've been able to see sense after seeing a rabid Wii Hater and deciding I didn't want to be like him.

Lesson to be Learned: Be fair and balanced in all of your arguments. Really though, I can prove how terrible this blog was. Undeniable proof of how repugnant and disgusting it truly was. Ready?

That's right, it got Diggs. That's how sickening it was. I feel nauseous just looking at it...

Exhibit F: The last one!

Original Premise: A blog about the flaws of Pikmin that stop me from liking it.

The Actual Thing: A blog about the flaw of Pikmin that stops me from liking it. Plus, misinformation.

Pikmin is a game that annoys me for one large-ish reason; The time limit. 30 days, 30 ship pieces, not all are mandatory, but you have no idea which you need and which you can leave behind. Thus, if you go a day without a part, you're behind schedule.

What annoys me more is, that's it! That's the one flaw with Pikmin! It's big enough to make the game kind of average to me, but not big enough to actually take up that much space in a blog! It's like when I ranted about the journalist who said that Google was anti-America because of celebrating Tetris' 25th birthday rather than D-Day; It was deserving of a rant, but... what really was there to say about it? There was no big finish, or shocking statement; it was a stock rant.

Plus, what gives this blog bonus-minus credit is that it was after E3 08, when I'd heard that Pikmin 1 and 2 were to undergo New Play Control ideas. I somehow got the idea that they were doing this INSTEAD of Pikmin 3, when they actually did it in addition... although I've yet to see Pikmin 3. Did it come out and I missed it?

The irony in me deleting this blog is that... here's a comment from it. By me.

Yeah, this was my very first top post. What's more ironic is that I've had 55 top posts in my ScrewAttack history, and this was the only one I never got points for, although it didn't deserve points, so fair enough.

Lesson to be learned: Research your subject thoroughly before blogging, or you look like an idiot.

I may as well throw in the bonus tale of almost getting banned, when I made another Top 10 about series that needed comebacks (I think) and when I used the 'img src' formula to get a picture off Google, somebody thought it would be 'hilarious' to exchange the innocent DS Castlevania screenshot with a massive picture of... some things. If it weren't for the quick comment saying, "DUDE: you should edit that castlevania pic." I wouldn't be blogging right now, although I deleted that blog long, long ago to get rid of the haunting memories...

Lesson to be learned: USE PHOTOBUCKET!

I think there's a system to upload picture to ScrewAttack now too, but it looks like it wants me to... post them separately, so I'll stick to photobucket, where there is little chance of having my pictures replaced with wangs, unless Destin gets to the computer again (Clip of the Week reference: Captain Internet!)

So, this was basically a mini-memorial for the blogs that I didn't think were good enough to stay. Don't get me wrong; I don't think everything I have left is gold, I just didn't want to delete my entire back-catalogue. Plus, if anyone needs to see even more examples of how not to write blogs, a lot of my old stuff is still here.

To finish with, I might as well thank the community, just because if I take anything from my crappy old blogs, it's that I was of a pretty bad standard when I got here, and now somehow people seem to like my stuff, so I guess being influenced easily isn't all that bad, since between you guys you've managed to help me become a blogger that doesn't suck as much. =D

I also apologise if you've read my old blogs and sustained any unavoidable injuries, such as the kind obtained when you stab yourself in the eye with a Gameboy Advance to avoid reading any more of my stuff... That applies to the rest of my stuff too.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 56: I'm on TV

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:29:51 -0500

This is hardly a rant, but I couldn't really come up with a name for a blog in which I talk about going on TV without sounding stuck up. I already had to drop the exclamation mark from the 'I'm on TV' bit because it made me sound too excited.

Oh, and just to point out, this is not a blog in which I joke about the fact that, due to my internet name being Elmo, the character I am associated with is on TV a lot. This is me, actually going on TV. No, really. Honestly. Seriously. I mean it. This blog also provides me with the opportunity to say, 'Screw you!' to America. You may have got Earthbound, Megaman Anniversary Collection, I-Ninja and many more Final Fantasy games, but the show I went on is only shown in Britain, so you'll never see my face...

At least, not until some nimrod over here decides to film it and upload it to Youtube. I know someone will do it, so whoever is going to... you're a nimrod. Oh, and if you actually do... tell me, so I can be aware of it. *Quickly adds the 'Youtube laws of copyright' webpage to favourites.* Ah, screw it.

People in Britain will be pretty shocked that I was on this, whereas Americans, Canadians, New Zealanders (See Srassy? I remembered you!) will have no idea what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen... Countdown!

I dare you to watch this opening jingle without tapping your feet...

Countdown is one of the longest-running shows on air, at least in Britain. It's been going for more than 27 years, and it's an incredibly simple concept, hence why it's worked for 27 years. Countdown is... a quiz show. Not a typical quiz show though, you can all get rid of Jeopardy, The Weakest Link, Wheel of Fortune and all that crap... Countdown is where it's at.

Rather than explaining the rules to you (Which I'll probably do in a second anyway) just watch this random round on Youtube and you'll get the main idea.

No, neither of these people are me

So basically, there are 3 rounds on Countdown.

The Letters Round. Pick consonants and vowels, then try to make the longest word out of them in 30 seconds. The points system is pretty straightforward; If both contestants get 7-lettered words, we both get 7 points. If I get an 8 and the other guy gets a 6, I get 8 points and he gets NOTHING! A rare 9-lettered word nets you 18 points.

The Numbers Round. Pick 6 anonymous numbers, small or large (The small are 10 or less, whilst the large are 25, 50, 75, or 100) out of the 4 large and countless small available, then try and reach the 3-digit target. Reaching the target gets you 10 points. Coming within 5 of the target is 7 points, and within 10 of the target is 5.

The Conundrum. They do this to finish the show. Like the Letters Round, but with a guaranteed 9-lettered word that you have to try and find. Finding it gets you 10 points. If those 10 points could change the outcome of the game, they dim the lights and call it the 'crucial countdown conundrum'.

Yay!

So I've watched this show for quite some time, and I've seen the various hosts. While Carol Vorderman was always at the numbers board, apart from the new girl, Rachel Riley, there have been a few more main hosts. Richard Whitely was an amazing host from the first episode all the way through to the final of Series 53. That's how successful the show was, and that must give you some idea of how good a host he was.

There were some temporary hosts, like Des Lynam and Des O'Connor, but now we have Jeff Stelling, formerly a football commentator on Sky. Even though nobody can live up to Richard Whitely, he's doing pretty well, and has continued the Countdown tradition of excrutiatingly bad puns, which people like me love.

So anyway, I was bored one day and applied to the show via email, and soon after they asked me if I could attend an 'audition', which was basically taking a train to London, finding the studio, and sitting in a room with 8 other people trying out some of the rounds. I did well enough to get accepted (I was the only person to get 'HEADLINE' in one of the letters rounds!) and soon after they actually sent me details of when to come to Manchester to film it!

My Dad drove me down a couple of weeks ago, where we would stay a few nights in a big hotel. It didn't have swimming pools or gyms, but it was still my first time staying in a hotel, so that place looked HUGE!

I was genuinely surprised by how homesick I got on my first night. I hadn't brought my GBA, just my Maths homework (Although not a lot got done... replace 'a lot' with 'any') and a bottle of water for the car. So I was pretty surprised when I started getting teary-eyed and thinking, "I wonder what Whitly would be saying right now if he was here?"

I joke, but I was seriously shocked by how much I missed home sweet home. Even though my father would be using the TV, and my SP would be charging, and my mother would be using the computer to check her 'Farmville' on Facebook (This from the woman who didn't see the fun in Harvest Moon... ok, so I never showed her that game, but my comment is more ironic and amusing if I did!) I like home. It's where the aorta is.

Rather than going through the various details of waking up, having the hotel breakfast, and getting to the studio, I'll just show you the group picture that was taken and explain all the faces. Otherwise, this blog will turn into a Facebook post. I've already mentioned 'Farmville'.

I should also point out that this is the first time anyone on ScrewAttack will ever see my face, so please skip right over the comments about it. If I wasn't already sure some people would tape it and put it on the internet, I'd replace it with a novelty Elmo head and pretend I was absent.

From left to right:

Left: That's Amanda Lamb. She was the celebrity in 'Dictionary Corner' for the day. I say 'the day' because they film 5 episodes in one day, so that the celebrity can stay on for each weekday show. She's a model who presented 'A Place in the Sun' for a long time, a pretty popular travel show. I didn't really get to talk much to the stars of the show, although she did say 'Hi!' to me in a happy voice while I was in the make-up chair (It felt like someone poking me repeatedly with a paintbrush. The make-up, not the friendly 'Hi!') I didn't really know what to say, so I just blushed and nodded. Smooth.

2nd Left, Standing: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the guy who beat me. Part of me wishes he was a jerk, so I could be angry at him for beating me, but he was, like all other contestants, friendly and polite. Countdown really isn't a show you get bullies appearing on. Anyway, Charlie here is one of the people you wouldn't want to get matched up against. He's young, a medical student, and he'd won his last 3 games. Still, we had a decent 15 minutes of chat when we were on the set, but just before they started filming, and he was a great guy. If he loses against someone really stupid though, I'll be annoyed.

3nd Left, Sitting: That's Rachel Riley. She's an Oxford Graduate who is now in charge of putting up the letters, and the numbers too. She also has the job of making small talk at the beginning of the the show with Jeff. It also instructed me in the official Countdown guide I received to 'Try not to confuse her' by making selections such as 'I'll have the penultimate numbers from each level, missing a gap.' Still, she was as friendly as everyone else.

4rd Left: This was Charlie's first opponent, Andrew, and it was a close match. Charlie was the kind of competitor who was slightly better than people who are slightly better than the average player. That's why he won his matches, but geez, were they close!

I can't remember much about Andrew, except that he put up a good challenge against Charlie. Good job, sir!

5th Left: Ah, Ryan, the octo-champ himself! I arrived first at the studios, at about 11am, which was bad, since I was actually the last contestant of the day, so they didn't get round to my match until about 8pm. Still, the first match of the day was this guy, and he'd won his previous 7 matches. When you win 8 matches, you become an octo-champ and go through to the quarter-finals. This carries on until the Finals, where the winner receives a full set of encyclopedias, and the loser gets £1,000. I always hoped I could get to the finals, just to lose and get that money.

Anyway, this guy was GOOD. The kind of person who makes you think, "There should be a career where all you do is this, so he'd make lots of money!" I was in the audience for his match, and he was, quite frankly, l33t at Countdown. One of the best I've ever seen. He was polite about it though, the kind of person who would beat you so badly that you'd want to say, "You just made me look like an idiot on national television... Congratulations!" to. He'll go far.

The Middle: The second victim of Charlie... she actually got a closer result than I did, since she was about 14 points adrift before the conundrum, but she got it anyway, so she finished with barely any points between them. I'll admit that these matches were a bit of a blur to me, since I was busy taking in all of this talent and shaking like a very small, very nerdy twig.

Just as I had arrived with my Dad, she'd arrived with her mother, so I guess Countdown contestants aren't known for independence. Still, if this had been the beginning of a romantic novel, I'd have asked for her... what do people ask for these days? Twitter address? Facebook page? Livejournal? (I don't even know what people DO on that one, I've just heard the name...)

5th Right: That, people of the internet, is one of the most awesome people I have ever met in my life. Ryan Vickers, a Canadian teacher (Ontario, I think) and undoubtedly one of the most awesome... I already said that bit. Anyway, he was the first person other than me or my father to turn up, and he was the perfect company. Chatty, happy, didn't seem to mind that he'd been matched up against the future octo-champ, he was just a cool person.

Hearing about him actually made me feel quite nervous, as I heard about him when I checked into the hotel, and when I said I was going on Countdown (My Dad said it actually, I just stayed quiet and nodded) the receptionist said, "Oh yeah, we had some guy from Canada signing in for that too."

If you've come from Canada to play Countdown, you're either very dedicated, or very good, and either way, I was terrified of him. Still, he was just... I can't say awesome again... fun to be around. He's the kind of person who everyone's secretly jealous of because he could make friends anywhere, but he's too awesome for that jealousy to ever amount to anything. He was also fine with the the host having to call him 'Vic', since both he and his opponent were called 'Ryan'.

4th Right: ... Yeah, that one's me. Don't scroll up to look again. It's bad enough that it looks like I'm not even smiling. Like I've said, I mainly stayed quiet during this whole thing. You can usually tell, the more someone talks in a blog, the less they talk in real life... and I talk a LOT in blogs. Moving swiftly on...

3rd Right, Sitting: Host with the most, Jeff Stelling! In most other TV shows, it looks like the host is a nice guy, but you know deep down it's just a job to them. Although I said Jeff would have trouble filling Richard Whitely's legendary shoes, he's still a great host, and he does actually talk to you. Just before we filmed, he came over to reassure me that any nerves I felt would soon be gone, and just to make sure I was ready to start. Thanks Jeff!

2nd Right, Standing: This was Charlie's 3rd opponent, as well as the last person to go on before me. Naturally, I was too busy wetting myself to remember much, except that she was friendly too. She may have mentioned something about being on the show before, since, as I said, it's been going on for 27 years now, so at least I know that although I failed, I can return in a few years and try again, with a different face. She put up a decent fight, but was no match for the utterly ruthless Charlie. =P

Right: That's Susie Dent, who is the residing ruler of Dictionary corner, accompanied by a celebrity every day. As lovely as Amanda Lamb was, a hilarious comedian known also for his awful puns, Mr Tim Vine, was made quite a few appearances, and I was wishing I could meet him, but it was not to be. In the Countdown 'Goodie Bag' I received for being on, I got a huge dictionary, a pen, a small clock (Be very careful when pronouncing that,) a Countdown mug, and a book Susie wrote about the origins of several phrases. It's actually pretty interesting, and it has a foreward by Jo Brand. None of the crazy Americans have understood have recognised any people in this blog yet. =D

So, that was the cast of my Countdown trip, and there's nothing more to really say about it. I don't want to go into huge detail about my match because then nobody would bother watching it, which is strange because a large part of me doesn't want anyone to watch it, but still... At least I was able to force my opponent into a CRUCIAL Countdown Conundrum, although it's also a pain to think, 'If I'd just got that word, I'd have won...'

To put this in perspective, imagine you're a big fan of a game, but you can only play it once. Imagine you get to the boss fight and the end of Level 1, and you've really enjoyed it, but at the last second, you're a tad too slow and you die. Now, you can never play this game again... At least not this decade. Yeah, it felt pretty darn terrible.

If that's not bad enough, I've already announced that I did not win, so I didn't get the coveted Countdown teapot...

Do you have to rub it in my face, Wikipedia? *Sniff*

I can also take this opportunity to thank some people. My father, obviously, for getting me there and back. Everyone at Countdown for being friendly enough to make it a positive experience, even though I was feeling pretty damn crushed afterwards, and on that note, Oldschool Master and my non-ScrewAttack friend Alastair for being online when I finally managed to hire a hotel computer.

I expected some friendly insults about my loss, but I have to say, everyone was supportive instead. Even those kids at the school library resisted the urge to mock me! That's right; going on Countdown, hanging out at the school library, and writing really long blogs; Frankly, it's a wonder women aren't queuing up to date me.

But still, 3:25 pm, Channel 4, Friday 20th November. If you have nothing better to do, tune in.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Famous Five: Zelda Games

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:48:00 -0500

IT'S ZELDA TIME!

This blog was especially hard to decide on, since 'The Legend of Zelda' is my favourite franchise in gaming to date. With one of the highest standards known to the industry, rarely will you walk away from a Zelda game feeling disappointed, something I've never done, even at the games that annoyed me a little.

So, without further ado, here's my quadruple F: 'Famous Five for my Favourite Franchise.'

The Perfect One

Twilight Princess (Gamecube, Wii)

Good game, even if she's more annoying than Navi

I figured it was worth making this game the perfect one, since I couldn't decide between this and my number two game, and I thought this could perhaps cause a few cardiac events amongst Zelda fans. Anyway, I didn't just put this game at the top spot to make this blog 'original', but I feel like this game has been criticised a bit lately, and it's time we looked at the good points of this game. Trust me, there are lots.

As anyone reading my blogs would know, I'm a huge fan of the Gamecube, so the fact that they could put this game on the good old cube really makes my heart swell with pride. It's definitely up there with Tales of Symphonia and Resident Evil 4 in the category of; Games that demand you take the Gamecube seriously.

The graphics in this game are just exceptional. Graphics aren't very important to me in a game, but I still have to be impressed by the work that's obviously gone into this. This is one of the very few games I would honestly say are graphically perfect. I don't think there's anything they could do to improve them. Link looks amazingly detailed, the environments are all enchanting, and it looks like the designers spent just as much time on Midna and Zelda as they did on every NPC in the game.

The dungeons in this game are undeniably original. Whilst the first three take you through your standard grass, fire, and water dungeons, complete with bosses of an epic standard, they start to pick up quickly. Whilst 'City in the Sky' has come under fire, and admittedly it can be more confusing than the Water Temple, all of them are still fun, especially the Yeti's House, and the overlooked and underrated Temple of Time, which was one of the best parts of the game for me.

Speaking of the dungeons, this game has some outstanding bosses. Even if you were left angry at the inclusion of Ganondorf at the end, you can't deny that the battle with him is nothing short of a masterpiece. It also wins the award for being the number one boss battle you wouldn't want to start while your parents were asking you to get off the TV, with an amazing 4 phases. Still, it had to be this good to try and top the amazing battle with Zant, who gives off a rather large impression of being insane.

The wolf-sections of the game, whilst not the best part, are certainly not the worst. It was another original addition, with a neat idea of hunting down bugs in wolf form to complete a 'Vessel of Light'. I'm not going to pretend that everything in the game was perfect, like the golden-bug collecting, or even the poes, but there was still enough to keep you entertained. Heart pieces galore, upgrades for your equipment, and a few new items like the ball and chain and spinner.

Another frequent complaint is that the items have no use outside of dungeons. While that is a fair complaint, you can be guaranted that at the very least, you'll need them to get an extra heart piece or so. Plus, keep hold of the Ordon Slingshot you get early in the game, it's more useful than you'd think.

Although there are some hit and miss minigames here, as there are in every Zelda game, the good ones here are amazing. Collecting those light orbs in a cage by using the double hookshots (Again, one of the most original things they could use in this game... Double-Hookshots are awesome) was surprisingly fun, and let's not forget the best minigame of all.

From the makers of Snakes on a Plane: Hylians on Icicles!

Any short review of a Zelda game wouldn't be complete without mentioning the music, and this game has a soundtrack better than you'd expect, which is a lot, considering it's a Zelda game. From the modern classics like Kakariko Village and Hyrule Field, as well as an insanely great remix of Ganondorf's Theme in Hyrule Castle, to the orchestrated greatness in the credits, this game is a musical masterpiece, with more hidden gems than the Gamecube itself (I believe the 'Hidden Village' tune even made it into Brawl!)

The last complaint I've heard about this game is that it takes longer to get into than other Zelda games, which is true, but for a simple reason; It's longer. If you compare the first dungeon of the first Zelda game to A Link to the Past, and then compare the first dungeon of that to the Great Deku Tree, and then compare that to Wind Waker, you'll see that it's simply progress that makes this game longer than it's previous incarnations. Frankly, I like my Zelda games to be long.

The final act that makes this game the top of this blog is the simple fact that, on the Gamecube, it only takes up 4 blocks on a memory card, which not only makes this a modern masterpiece in every sense of the word, but also the modern day equivalent to Megaman, Pokemon Red, and other games known for cramming in as much excellence as possible.

On the down side, this game is quite expensive on the Gamecube over here. But you don't have to worry about it if...

I burst out laughing every time the shopkeeper moonwalks to his items...

YOU GOT IT, YOU WERE SMART!
YOU BOUGHT IT AT MALO MART!

The Close Contender

Ocarina of Time (N64)

Nice puppy...

There's a reason why so many people love this game and claim it's the greatest Zelda game (and some claiming it's the greatest game, period) on the face of the earth.

It's pretty darn good.

It's hard to come up with original things to say about why this game is good, since it's all been said before, over the course of the last decade or so. Still, I'll give it a shot. The graphics were good, the gameplay was good, and the temples were entertaining. The soundtrack was great on the N64, and stood to show what Nintendo could do, even when faced with limitations compared to the competition, considering it would take 13 N64 cartridges to successfully have ported Final Fantasy VII. Then again, the N64 did manage Resident Evil 2, so...

Getting back on topic, I can only talk about this game through my first impressions of it. At first, I wasn't that interested, but when I gained control of Link, I liked exploring the area, getting a sword, cutting the grass for rupees, and eventually buying a shield and going to see the Great Deku Tree.

Going inside the tree for my first Zelda dungeon, ever (This was the first Zelda game I played) I was a bit confused at first, but quickly got the hang of the game, and started having fun. I've always preferred adventure games with a few puzzles thrown in rather than games with no puzzles, but a main character with a gun. *Desperately tries to hide the fact he loves Resident Evil 4*

Even though, when you think about it, Link, in some ways, is just as typically designed to appeal to nerds as Kratos is designed to appeal to 'badasses', it still works. It's good to have a hero you can sympathise with, and seeing as he's fairly thin, strategic and intelligent, and actually has a more realistic body than someone like Kratos or Chris Redfield (Resident Evil 5: Now with 40% more steroids!) it's easy to see why people everywhere, including me, find it easy to get involved when playing as him.

As I got further in, I started to love the sound effects in this game, whether I've just opened a treasure chest or unlocked something secret. Even though it's not much, it adds to the incentive you have to succeed at this game. This feeling gets stronger and stronger as you view a couple of cutscenes, get to know the characters, and, for me, especially when you met the Gorons. Those friendly rock people are matched only by the Rito tribe of 'The Wind Waker' when it comes to awesome civilizations in Zelda games.

The temples in the game are good for the simple reason that they're not too hard. Don't get me wrong, you may occasionally have to look up something on GameFAQs, but these visits always end with you punching yourself in the head muttering, "Why didn't I think of it?" rather than mumbling, "Why would I ever have thought of doing THAT?"

The various areas in the game are fun, from the Zora's Domain to Gerudo Valley, and the boss battles are just as epic as you would expect them to be, with some fun mini-bosses too, the most infamous being Dark Link, who makes a surprising appearance in the Water Temple, and has a simple yet challenging trick to beating him; Don't L-target him!

The music in this game matches the setting perfectly, much like Twilight Princess does. Listening to the Forest Temple music makes it feel like a... forest, whereas there's obviously a much darker feel to the aptly named Shadow Temple, whose boss provided me with the biggest cliffhanger ending I've had since I beat Hulk Davidson on Viewtiful Joe after turning back to average Joe.

To summarise, this game blew away all expectations. When people expected the Zelda genre to change when it became 3D, they feared the worst, but instead received the best. Truly an amazing jump across consoles.

The 'Hit or Miss' Game

The Wind Waker (Gamecube)

Cel-Shading is awesome

Whilst this game has brought about strong praise and harsh criticism (and that's just from me!) it's still a welcome addition to the Zelda franchise, with an original new look for Link.

Even though I've ranted about this game, the graphics are one thing that cannot be complained about. True, the game is suitable for children as well, but that doesn't mean the gameplay has somehow been changed for children. All it means are that some nice little touches have been added, like the way Link can change his facial expression, and even humourously jump up and down in joyous triumph when he beats a boss.

The graphics also serve well to bring out the atmosphere in places. In dark caves, circles of light come from torches, illuminating the bleak outlines of borders and edges, whilst on islands in daytime, the sun shines so brightly it almost looks as if the grass is glowing. The game can be both very cheery, and very dark, something which a lot of games can't achieve.

Even though it's still a flaw, the sailing isn't as terrible as some people would have you believe. It's long and drawn-out, but at least there are a few things to keep you mildly entertained along the way, like finding fish who can mark your map, or wandering past the occasional bunch of peahats, who are surprisingly horrifying in this game, along with the redeads, which went from being 'kinda creepy' to 'overwhelmingly terrifying' the way they screech like an elephant...

For kids!

I know that the Peahat on the left doesn't look that terrifying, but wait until you're out to sea, and there are two of them, both 20 times the size of your boat, attacking you. If you attack them, they're liable to stop floating in the air and fall into the sea (Yay!) where things get even more terrifying (Boo!) as they charge, open-mouthed and loudly whirring (?) towards Link.

Even though I've stated that it was annoying making your way through a dungeon and only finding a 'Treasure Chart', which allows you to scour the sea to get the item you should've just gotten in the chest, I'll admit that when you're sailing through the sea, and you just so happen to find a treasure chest with a small reward, it's fun! The mini-games are of acceptable quality, with the exception of the old git Orca, who is annoying beyond belief.

There are few boss battles in the game, but the ones that are there are fun. Even though I can't take Ganon's first form (A goofy puppet pig?) seriously, his second form is fairly entertaining, although his third form is by far the best, as he becomes a GIANT snake and charges around the room, and you have to shoot the tip of his tail with light arrows. Imagine Moldorm from 'A Link to the Past', except in stunningly beautiful 3D.

The final fight with Ganondorf has caused one statement in gaming I don't really like. When people praise this game, they make sure to mention Ganondorf's amazing back-story, and to give them credit, this game actually gives a reason (wind-related of course) for why Ganondorf is trying to take over the world, not that it's required in most Zelda games.

My complaint arises when people forget to see that the 'amazing' back-story of the game isn't amazing; in fact it's barely a back-story. It's one cutscene before the final battle, in which Ganondorf explains in a minute why he's bitter about the wind. It's more than other Zelda games, but to call it an amazing background is pretty ludicrous when compared to almost any other well-known game.

The game probably has more flaws than most other Zelda games, but although I criticise it, that doesn't mean I don't thoroughly enjoy it. The gameplay has the same timeless feel, and the music is as amazing as ever, with Dragon Roost Island leading the way forward for Zelda music, and rightfully returning in Brawl.

The Underrated One

Four Sword Adventures (GBA, Gamecube)

This picture must make Ganondorf wet himself...

I know that I should probably stop talking about Zelda games that are available on the Gamecube... but this is a truly underrated title. Originally made to be the selling point for GBA link cables (Hehe, 'Link' cables...) this game wasn't a big hit on the GBA, possibly due to the fact that finding 3 friends who owned this game was a challenge.

So, after they ported it to Gamecube, I was lucky enough to find a fairly cheap copy in Gamestation a while ago, and I was pleasantly surprised at the greatness that is this game.

Even though ALL games are more fun to play with multiplayer, it was still a great Zelda experience to try it single-player. It plays similarly to 'A Link to the Past', except with more than one player, and LEVELS, a concept not well-known amongst Zelda games, but carried out to perfection here.

With your four Links, you can make various formations like horizontal or vertical lines, a box, or a diamond where you can attack the enemy from all 4 sides. Rather than rupees, you collect 'Force Gems' in each level, which power up your sword and are generally required to finish the level. They're just as easy to find as rupees though, since some are dropped by enemies, some are found in grass, and some are just discovered in secret places.

You can act as a team, or go solo, leaving the other Links momentarily behind, while you go and discover treasures and items. Each level has about 3 Heart Containers to be found, although this is mostly due to the fact that, like items, your heart containers are not carried over with you into the next level. While this sounds like a bummer at first, you quickly adjust, and it isn't too hard.

I'm glad I played the Gamecube version of this, just because there are little graphical touches that make this game stand out. In the grass, there are sometimes magical light holes that shoot out rup-... force gems, and with the fire rod, you can set grass alight and take the rup-... force gems left behind. There are also bosses at the end of each level, with bigger bosses at the end of each world, each of them being fun to fight, with four Links at your disposal.

No prizes for guessing why most of these bad guys are running away...

The items are fun, since you can get the bow, the boomerang, the bomb, the fire rod, the hammer, and many, many other items. The multiplayer also looks like a blast, even if I've *Sniff* never got the chance to try it out... from what I've seen though, it's awesome. I remember seeing one Link run away from the other 3, engaged in battle, and seek refuge in a house, where he found a Cucco, slashed it to bits, and the 3 Links outside were suddenly ravaged by a swarm of Cuccos. That's crazy and genius in equal amounts.

So to summarise, with interesting levels and original (I use that word a lot when describing Zelda games) ideas, this is a Zelda game definitely worth a purchase.

The One to Avoid

The Legend of Zelda (NES, GBA)

HOW COULD YOU, ELMO?

Much like the way I decided to put Twilight Princess as the number one Zelda game, I wanted to do something that I had reasons for, but would also cause a bit of a stir. Rest assured, this game is not worse than the CD-I Zelda trio, but they're not official Zelda games, and it's too easy to write about why they suck. Same with the black sheep of the family, Zelda 2, and handhelds like the Minish Cap and Phantom Hourglass.

So, I thought I'd have a crack at criticising one of the most beloved NES titles out there, a console I love too. I know it must look like I'm a nostalgia hater, with Twilight Princess as the best and the original down here, but I should explain that if you find no problems in this game, you may well be the 'Nintendo Power' generation.

I know, kids these days have it easy with our internet, and our walkthroughs, and our super-simple games. "Tap A! No, not that A, the other A! Ah, close enough. You win!" But I honestly believe that whether or not you had Nintendo Power, or a friend who did, directly affects your enjoyment of this game, much like Metroid.

Without Nintendo Power, Metroid wouldn't be finishable, what with every bombable block looking like a regular block, and there being a fake acid floor you had to fall into at one point, and even the fact that with a password, you started with ridiculously low health. But WITH Nintendo Power, you could enjoy the game, breeze through it in a few days, and have fond memories of beating Mother Brain.

In the same way, although the Zelda series isn't as confusing this way as Metroid was, there were still a few issues. You remember the 'Grumble Grumble' monster that stood in your way until you fed it bait? Well, it looked like a regular monster... and that bait just looked like a piece of candy to me. I wouldn't have guessed that you had to feed candy to a monster in a game series like Zelda.

I'd grumble too if some kid in a tunic had just killed all my buddies...

The candles were also a tad confusing. You used them to burn trees... well, trees that COULD be burnt. Much like laying bombs in Metroid, any one of the trees could've been flammable, and you had no idea which. Admittedly, the only tree which it is VITAL you burn is the entrance to a dungeon (Level 8, I think) but it's still annoying, much like having to set bombs. In 'A Link to the Past', there are clear cracks on the walls where you can set bombs, and that system works for me a lot better than, 'Randomly place bombs and hope something appears'.

I sound fairly harsh, especially since I liked this game too, but I've never heard this game being honestly criticised. I've heard a few stereotypical 'It sucks cause it's old, the graphics are dull and I hate it!' complaints, but nobody ever seemed to have anything genuinely bad to say about it, something which cannot be said for EVERY other Zelda game in existence. Rest assured, I loved battling Aquamentus as much as you did, I just don't want this game to see the Final Fantasy VII treatment one day and suddenly start to be hated due to years of hype.

The only time this game genuinely aggravated me, since I used a walkthrough to get to some of the dungeons, was when an old lady asked me to give her money, either 10, 30, or 50 rupees. You all know what happens... if you give her 10, she doesn't tell you anything. I gave her 10. If you give her 50, she just says 'Boy, you sure are rich!' like a useless toothless old witch. After that, I gave up, and didn't realise until much later that she actually gave you advice if you gave her 30.

On another note, while I was looking up the name of the first boss (it IS Aquamentus, right?) I found a video which shows you can defeat Dodongo (The thing you kill with bombs) with your sword! Even though it's kind of obvious, looking back, I genuinely had no idea until this moment, and I've beaten the game 3 times! (Once on an emulator, once on the GBA re-release, and once from Zelda Collector's Edition... I've got the original, and hopefully with some codes I can unlock it in Animal Crossing and make it 5!)

So, whilst this is a good game... I guess ONE Zelda game had to go here, and the original pulled the short straw.

The Honourable Mention

A Link to the Past (SNES, GBA)

Hands in the air like you just don't care!

The SNES continuation of the Zelda series did what Super Metroid did to Metroid; It took a game that was well-received, albeit hard, and gave it a bright and promising future. Whilst the original Zelda game didn't actually have that many puzzles, mainly consisting of pushing blocks and avoiding flying spikes, this game was the perfect sequel to the NES twosome.

Link's arsenal expanded as we were introduced to items that would become staples of the Zelda series, like the hammer, upgrades to help you go into water, and the immortal hookshot, one of the handiest items in Zelda games since, and certainly one of the funnest to use when beating the crap out of water creatures, as it has done in A Link to the Past, Ocarina of Time, and Twilight Princess.

The graphics are all nice to look it. It's no 'Chrono Trigger', pushing the boundaries of the console, but I'm not sure how you could push the boundaries of the SNES and keep the fantasy-adventure look that this game has mastered so wonderfully. There were still a few moments that confused me, like playing a flute underneath a statue that makes a bird do something to open a dungeon... but it was more manageable than previous installments.

The combat was decent too, since you could use the spin attack, move diagonally, pick up and throw things at your enemies, and even find a new type of shield to help to protect you from beams and arrows. The heart pieces were abundant, with some easy to find and some more challenging, which was a good mix. This is one of the few games in the world which I have 100% completed, something I can't even say about Super Smash Bros Melee, since I've yet to beat All-Star mode on 'Very Hard'... *Sigh*

But it wasn't too hard to get every bottle, every medallion, every upgrade, every heart piece, and every secret in this game, and it was fun too, since there was just the right balance between the effort you put in and your reward. The music was great too, although all dungeons and bosses had the same theme. Still, they redeemed themselves with an excellent theme that plays over the ending, which, in a first for gaming, showed how things had turned out for all the other characters you'd interacted with. Awww...

However, there is one reason to dislike this game.

DUN DUN DUUUNNNN!

This was the very first comment I ever made on Screwattack, long before I thought of making a blog. I joined up purely to say how much I sucked at fighting Moldorm, and how Mothula was also being a pain in the behind. So, if it weren't for this game, I wouldn't have discovered this site, so I owe it great thanks, and you now have something to pin the blame on.

Well, that just about wraps up this blog, it's just a shame I couldn't talk about more Zelda games...

Ah, screw it!

The OTHER Honourable Mention

Majora's Mask (N64)

Trick or treat!

Whilst I haven't played enough of this game to form a strong opinion of it, it still deserves a mention. For those of you wondering, I've wandered around collecting a few masks and doing a couple of good deeds, as well as trying to collect lots and lots of heart pieces (Apparently there are 52, Yipes!) and so far, only finishing the first temple, although I have received the Goron Mask, so I'm well on my way to the second.

I'm still not sure whether or not I like the time travel feature. Whilst it's definitely original, which is my reasoning behind a lot of the compliments in this blog, it can be annoying to lose all of your rupees and arrows and such. Still, when I started the game, I feared I'd lose all my masks and equipment every time I had to go back, so I know it could've been worse.

The idea of masks giving you different abilities is an idea that I think I like. It's basically just an extension of using special items, but each thing you can transform into has special abilities. The amount of masks overwhelmed me at first, before I realised that you only need a couple, and a lot of them are used only once, like Kamaro's Mask, which is used once to make Link dance, and the Bremen Mask, which you use to get chicks to follow you, then turn into chickens. Even if that is kind of stupid, it's also cute.

I'm not a big fan of the saving in this game, since in most games, if you save your game, then accidentally turn the console off without saving, or reset, then you can just peacefully start again from where you saved (Except in Animal Crossing, when you have the privilege of hearing the lovable Mr Resetti rant. I love him!) but in Majora's Mask, you start from the dawn of the first day, from the last time you went back in time. This was very annoying, and just plain unnecessary.

The enemies are as varied as any other Zelda game, and the gameplay in general is fun. The storyline has yet to hit me, and as one Majora's Mask fan actually told me, "If you actually want to see the good story, you have to do the extra work yourself." I love good story in games, but not when it's crammed into a sidequest! Still, the main story isn't bad, the tragic tale of the shunned Skull Kid, possessed by a mask containing ancient evil.

Plus, having the moon as an enemy with a giant scary face is just as terrifying as those redeads in 'The Wind Waker', and maybe even a little more.

Erm, Houston? We have a problem...

Well, you know what they say. One small step for man... one giant descending lunar rock causing the apocalypse...

The game is definitely darker than Ocarina of Time, and the music in the opening movie shows this well, as it starts off happy and cheerful, and then gets dark as the camera moves up, revealing the Skull Kid, standing in front of the giant moon, ready to destroy everything. This is the kind of game that I know will be fun, and I know I'll enjoy it, but just not yet. I'm still on the phase where I'm running around, trying to collect as much as I can without accidentally going overtime. I'll have to think about my true feelings about this game when I get further in and eventually beat it.

Well, I might as well make this a trilogy of honourable mentions, so here's the last one, I promise.

The FINAL Honourable Mention

Link's Awakening (Gameboy)

I'm aware this picture is from the GBC remake...

The final game in my Zelda Famous Five, which has now mysteriously turned into a Famous Eight, is the Gameboy classic, Link's Awakening. Even though the Gameboy is closer to the NES, and the GBA is closer to the SNES, Link's Awakening was definitely closer to 'A Link to the Past' than it was to the original Zelda, just as Super Mario Land 2 resembles Super Mario World more than Super Mario Bros.

This game was the first to take place outside of Hyrule, but that didn't stop it from becoming a very fun and successful Zelda game. For one thing, the game actually had a love interest. Don't get me wrong, I've written more Zelda/Link fanfiction than I'd care to let on (No lemons though, I'm not that sort of writer) but this is the first game in which it's strongly implied that there's a possible relationship between the characters; Link and Marin.

True, in the conclusion of Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link, you see Zelda at the end with Link, and when a curtain falls, you see their feet move closer together, but that's nothing more than an ending. The conversation between Link and Marin implies 'romantic novel' love just as much as Midna's farewell into the Twilight Realm (Almost said 'Zone' for a second there...)

Fanfiction-fuel aside, this is still an enjoyable game. The overworld theme is a bubbly and cheery remix of the original Zelda theme, and Link controls just as he does in 'A Link to the Past', being able to move diagonally and spin attack enemies. There's also a fairly large amount of dialogue within the game, with a few characters here and there that offer sidequests, and a few of the bosses talk to Link and taunt him before fighting him and ultimately losing.

Whilst I'm not big on speculation (Says the man with the 5000+ word blog) I have to admit that the plot in this game makes you think a lot more than any previous Zelda game. Link has to wake up the Wind Fish to leave Koholint (Or Kohilint, according to some Google sources) Island, which will also destroy the island and its inhabitants. This creates the moral dilemma of whether or not the people on the island truly exist. When you get the secret ending on Link's Awakening DX, you can even look up into the sky and see a vision of Marin, hinting that there was more to this island than the Wind Fish let on.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing this story continued. The characters were memorable, and even Wart made a guest appearance.

See if you can spot the cleverly placed character... Credit to PekoponTAS for this picture!

This was also the first Zelda game besides Zelda 2 to offer Link the option of jumping! By equipping Roc's Feather, Link could jump over pits and across enemies, something which didn't make its way to consoles until the port of Four Sword Adventures. This added a side-scrolling aspect, also brought into the aforementioned FSA. It turned Zelda from a puzzle game to an adventure game with a bit of everything.

The puzzles in the dungeons are neat, and there are 12 pieces of heart to be found, which is a good number to stick with, considering the island wasn't gigantic, just big. Plus, with 8 dungeons, each with 8 little tasks to open them, and 8 new items, and 8 mini-bosses, and 8 bosses, and 8 instruments needed to wake the Wind Fish, you also got 8 heart containers to make your efforts just as rewarding as a game like Ocarina of Time.

Well, that just about wraps up this episode of Elmo's Famous Five, and probably the series as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I loved making these, but if I forced myself to squeeze out Metroid and Resident Evil 'Famous Fives', you'd probably be able to tell that I haven't played those games as much. I have Sonic Mega Collection, Sonic Gems Collection, Sonic Advance, and Sonic Adventure 1 + 2, so you might one day see me attempt a Famous Five of Sonic, but after that, I think I'll retire from this blog series and let some other g1s have a go.

Well, this was Elmo with his 5,600 word blog about the Zelda series, and I hope you enjoyed it! (Interesting sidenote, my English coursework has a maximum length of 2,500 words, including coursework and commentary, so this blog is more than twice as long as my English A-Level work will be. Hah!)

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 55: 4.0

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:56:38 -0500

So, ScrewAttack 4.0 is almost upon us, and I was privileged enough to be able to check out the new website. Now, I want to get right into this rant, since there are lots of things on the site to talk about.

Just a few quick notices first:

I am aware that anything I like/dislike may well be changed.

The following opinions are all my own, so for all I know, I'll be praising something lots of people hate, or criticising something lots of people love.

I'll probably copy and paste this blog right after I do it and post it on the new site, so that it's on both. My most recent blogs haven't turned up on the new site yet.

So, let's jump right in. Here are some awesome things about the new site, some things I'm not a fan of, and some things I can't make my mind up about.

The Good!

The Layout

Well that's... pretty much everything you could want.

I don't like change. Change moved me away from my friends, replaced my old, Big-Red-Racing compatible computer with my new crappy one, and it's made Sonic games into a laughing stock of today, so for this website to change, and work is no mean feat for me. The layout is clear and concise, everything is easy to find, and it ain't too hard on the eyes either.

If it wouldn't stretch the page, I would just post a big screenshot of ScrewAttack Version 4.0 here so that everyone else could marvel and bask in the glory of the beautiful site. Considering how much I like the current layout, for me to be saying good things about the next layout must mean it's pretty dang good.

The Profiles

One day... I'll think of something...

The current profiles on ScrewAttack are fairly dull. If someone has the option to allow it, you can find out someone's email address, and otherwise, you can see where they come from, and see one or two lines about their hobbies. That's basically it.

So, even though I'm against ScrewAttack becoming more like a social networking site, making these profiles a bit more personal is a step in the right direction. The only other thing I can say about this is that this is probably where profiles should stop. Any bigger, and they really would begin to look like Bebo/Myspace/Facebook/Livejournal, etc...

As someone whose seen Fanfiction profiles that go on for 10,000 words, I don't want to see unnecessarily long and bland profiles on ScrewAttack, so I'm completely on board with the change, as long as we leave it at that.

Comments

True dat!

Whoa! Nice looking comment there! If you ignore the fact that the text in it is pretty useless and just look at the new format, I think you'll agree that it's good.

Firstly, your profile image appears next to your comment, as you can see by the little dopefish image from Commander Keen 4. That's a big improvement, considering my profile pic alone doesn't work (Well, not ever since I tried to log into the forums.)

One weird thing I see in this new format is that you can reply to a comment, or quote it, which makes little sense since they're both essentially the same thing. The option to edit your comments is also missing, so if you replace 'Quote' with 'Edit', I'll be happy. Quoting never leads to good places. Trust me on this one ScrewAttack, imagine the longest comment conversation you've ever seen, where the comment boxes have shrunk and shrunk as more replies are made...

Now imagine the same situation, except with each comment including every previous comment. That's not a pretty thought.

Still, you get bonus points for letting us change the colour of the text. Although that's one of those things that will never come in too handy, and I'll forget about it soon, it's still a nice touch. Kudos!

Forums

NEVER AGAIN WILL THIS SCREEN PLAGUE ME!

I can't comment much on the forums on ScrewAttack, considering every time I've wanted to go on, I've had to reset my password, and the moment I try to change it, my forums account stops working. Great.

The saving grace of this problem is that it appears I'm not alone, as many others have this problem. The worst thing about this problem is that there is a wide separation currently between the blogs and the forums, as I already stated when I mentioned the 3 new moderators, Brakywaki, SoonerMatt, and spungemonkey... one of whom I've seen on the blog section commenting, and two of which I've never heard of, so I can assume they're either forum people, or... people who don't go on the site. My guess is they're forum people.

So, if we're able to unite the forums and the blogs, I'll be overjoyed. Finally, I'll be able to read threads and comment on them without resetting my password every time. Every time I reset it, I die a little inside. Plus, if there's one lesson I've learned from video games...

NO RESETTING!

Hehe, I love that little guy.

Anyway, now we're plowing headlong into the parts of 4.0 that I *Gasp* don't love! If this blog really upsets any of the ScrewAttack staff, I'll send them a virtual bunch of flowers. Sorry for the future nitpicking of all your hard work that is about the ensue.

The Bad!

Top User Blogs

I'm not saying anything written by Craig could be considered anything but 'Rad', but...

I'm not sure how these new 'Top Posts' will work on the new site, but I can see a couple of problems. Currently, it seems like a blog with the most comments will appear here, which can be a problem since I've seen good blogs get about 6 comments, whereas spam and flamebaits get loads. Think about it; do you want someone visiting the site for the first time to see a Top User Blog with the title of 'SIKE N***AS!'?

I'm fine with moderators picking which blogs should be given 'Top User Status', and not just because I've gotten a lot of top posts previously, but because if I had the choice between 'Leaving the choice to the moderators' and 'Leaving the choice to the moderators, the bloggers, the commenters, the trolls, the flamers, the spammers, the bots... etc' I'd pick the moderators.

Then again, blogs might not be given this status for views. They may also be given them for...

Ratings

I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF YOU!!!

Ah, ratings. Rather than saying that they will never, ever work, here's some things you guys could possibly do (I have no idea how hard it is to design a site) to make them more balanced.

1) Show who rated, and what. I know that at the sight of this suggestion, hundreds of anonymous flamers will cry foul and scream about the violation of their human rights, but frankly, I do not care. If you rate something fairly, you have nothing to worry about. If you rate everyone's blogs very low without leaving any constructive criticism, or any sign that you thought anything in the blog wasn't good... we'll know it. If I rate something as a 1, chances are I'll have no problem explaining why in the comments.

2) Make ratings optional. Some people might want their blogs to have ratings. Others may not. I know I'm sounding whiny about this, but before ratings stopped on this site, I was getting a couple of blogs hate-voted. It's a strange feeling, seeing that one your blogs have 36 happy comments, no complaints at all, yet 7 people have rated it 1. I'm not saying for a second that my blogs don't still need improvement, but if there are some immature people who just can't be trusted with these things, I don't really want to give them the power over how my work is judged.

The G1 Points Issue

Getting some mixed messages?

If you haven't heard, I hate to break it to you, but g1 points might be reset completely on the new site. I can't figure out whether this is good or bad yet, since on the one hand, there are some high users like chefprotoss who aren't even here any more, and lower users like Whitly and DJGrandpa who write awesome content, but have too much catching up to do with the other g1s.

Still, there are a couple of unresolved issues with this solution. Firstly, ScrewAttack did kinda sorta maybe a little say that g1 points would have more use in 4.0. Whilst the new 'Levelling Up' system looks slightly more fun than points, that doesn't give them more use. Even though the points are useless, it's like your Achievements on the 360. They're meaningless, but you wouldn't want to get rid of them.

The only other unresolved issue I can think of is that I've been coming to the site every day since mid-January in order to try and achieve the 'Year of Destruction' award, and I assume I'm not the only one... I really hope this information gets carried over to 4.0, or else I really will have destroyed a year.

Oh, and getting 1 point for every comment and 2 points for every blog seems cool, but you may run the risk of attracting comment and blog-****** who post every minute to get the highest score.

Friends!

Hoorah for Silent_Protagonist!

This is a choice moreso aimed at other g1s than the actual geniuses behind 4.0; I'm begging you to use the friends system wisely!

I can see this being mildly fun for a while, but then all I can see is it causing lots of E-Drama, in which people are offended by the lack of friend requests, or the refusal of someone to become friends. Besides, we already have g1 points to show off our E-Penises, we don't need to fall down to the level of the social networking sites and compete to see who can get more internet buddies than anyone else. Besides, if any g1s are like me, they accept friend requests, and provided the 'Friend' doesn't do something to piss them off, they'll stay there, so everyone will just end up being friends with... everyone. A truly horrifying thought, eh?

On this note, subscriptions sound cool, but could also be ruined to E-Drama. I'd subscribe to SP or PekoponTAS, because although their stuff is awesome, they don't blog as commonly as others and I'm liable to miss them. If I subscribed to everyone I liked... there'd be no point logging on any more! I'd know everything you'd written before I'd got on!

So, E-People... I'm counting on you...

Alright, we've seen the good and the bad, now it's time to look at the stuff I have no idea about. The stuff that literally, could go either way.

The 'Interesting' Features!

Blogs

Say wha?

This signifies exactly what I mean when I say 'Interesting' Features. Features that I'm intrigued with, but don't quite understand how they'd work.

On the one hand, you can now compose drafts of your blogs, which will be incredibly handy to someone like me, who usually just sits down and spends 3 hours at a time writing (Or 4 hours if the blog has, say... 13 Photobucket pictures.) I'm not quite sure what the Admin feature means yet, but I'm also intrigued by 'Collaborate'. From what I've seen, it looks like letting other people write blogs in your 'Blog channel' so to speak. Seriously though, I have no idea. All I know is that it looks interesting.

There are also new profile options to do with blogs, so rather than uploading pictures to Photobucket, podcasts to Podomatic, and videos to Youtube, you can upload them straight onto your files in Screwattack! Not only is this helpful, but I'm pretty sure the site, unlike the PS3, is backwards-compatible! So, if you have things on Podomatic and Photobucket, you can still use them. Shoopus Das Woopus.

Blog Sections

Where's the section for spam?

I'm on two sides once again for this one. On the one hand, I'm liking these new sections, and I can see them all being filled up with g1 work soon enough, even if 'Walkthroughs' and 'Fan Trailers' may be slow to get off the mark. It's hard to say I have a problem with this, since for ScrewAttack to actually come up with sections for every blog would be a task harder than playing I Wanna Be The Guy blindfolded.

Still, I am left wondering where my Rants and Room 101s would go. I wouldn't call anything with the word 'Rant' original, and I nicked the idea for 'Room 101' from a British TV Comedy Show, so that's out... should I just stick them in 'Other'?

Yes, it appears that like the half-elves in Tales of Symphonia, an original plot for a 360 exclusive, and an intelligent joke in an episode of South Park, my blogs will have no real place...

Eh, I'll just shove them somewhere and hope nobody notices. Chances are I won't be the only one using 'Other', and hell, as long as we can still view all blogs in the 'Blogs' section, then this new layout will be 100% awesome to me. Kudos, SA people!

The Spotlight

Anything that makes Pekopon sing must be good!

This is another 'Hit or Miss' thing that it mainly hit, since I found out that blogs can be placed in the g1 spotlight too. The only thing that confused me was the 'Upload a video' button and the fact that all 3 spotlighted choices were videos. I know that it takes more effort to read a blog than it does to write a video, but I'm glad to see they'll be given as much chance as anything else on this site.

My only query about this is how they're chosen. Is it the same as the 'Top User Blogs', or will there be moderators, or... I dunno. Overall, this looks like a funky idea, but be wary that some of us still haven't advanced technologically to the point of making videos yet (I still have to light a fire using two sticks too...)

Well, that just about wraps up my views on... EVERYTHING on Version 4.0. I figured I'd post this on Version 3, so that bloggers who hadn't gone on 4.0 would still be able to get an impression of what it's like, and I'd post it in Version 4 to give it a slightly better chance of a SA member seeing it. To this day, Craig has never commented on my stuff... *Sniff*

Oh, and I want to point out once again that I'm very happy with Version 4, despite this blog being full of whiny nitpicks, I mean... legitimate complaints. If it becomes apparent that some of the stuff I've talked about is just personal preference, feel free to ignore me for the good of the site. =D. If you guys could make Version 3 this awesome, and still manage to improve it in Version 4, I guess you know what you're doing a hell of a lot more than I do.

Plus, any criticisms in this blog need to be read by fellow bloggers in the full knowledge that changes are still being made to the site.

This is Elmo 3000 (Level 4, apparently...)

DOPEFISH!

-saying good night, and...

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's 4.0 Impressions

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:58:26 -0500

I am aware that anything I like/dislike may well be changed.

The following opinions are all my own, so for all I know, I'll be praising something lots of people hate, or criticising something lots of people love.

I'll probably copy and paste this blog right after I do it and post it on the new site, so that it's on both. My most recent blogs haven't turned up on the new site yet.

So, let's jump right in. Here are some awesome things about the new site, some things I'm not a fan of, and some things I can't make my mind up
about.

The Good!

The Layout

Well that's... pretty much everything you could want.

I don't like change. Change moved me away from my friends, replaced my old, Big-Red-Racing compatible computer with my new crappy one, and it's made Sonic games into a laughing stock of today, so for this website to change, and work is no mean feat for me.

The layout is clear and concise, everything is easy to find, and it ain't too hard on the eyes either. If it wouldn't stretch the page, I would just post a big screenshot of ScrewAttack Version 4.0 here so that everyone else could marvel and bask in the glory of the beautiful site. Considering how much I like the current layout, for me to be saying good things about the next layout must mean it's pretty dang good.

The Profiles

One day... I'll think of something...

The current profiles on ScrewAttack are fairly dull. If someone has the option to allow it, you can find out someone's email address, and otherwise, you can see where they come from, and see one or two lines about their hobbies. That's basically it. So, even though I'm against ScrewAttack becoming more like a social networking site, making these profiles a bit more personal is a step in the right direction.

The only other thing I can say about this is that this is probably where profiles should stop. Any bigger, and they really would begin to look like Bebo/Myspace/Facebook/Livejournal, etc... As someone whose seen Fanfiction profiles that go on for 10,000 words, I don't want to see unnecessarily long and bland profiles on ScrewAttack, so I'm completely on board with the change, as long as we leave it at that.

Comments

True dat!

Whoa! Nice looking comment there! If you ignore the fact that the text in it is pretty useless and just look at the new format, I think you'll agree that it's good. Firstly, your profile image appears next to your comment, as you can see by the little dopefish image from Commander Keen 4. That's a big improvement, considering my profile pic alone doesn't work (Well, not ever since I tried to log into the forums.)

One weird thing I see in this new format is that you can reply to a comment, or quote it, which makes little sense since they're both essentially the same thing. The option to edit your comments is also missing, so if you replace 'Quote' with 'Edit', I'll be happy. Quoting never leads to good places. Trust me on this one ScrewAttack, imagine the longest comment conversation you've ever seen, where the comment boxes have shrunk and shrunk as more replies are made...

Now imagine the same situation, except with each comment including every previous comment. That's not a pretty thought. Still, you get bonus points for letting us change the colour of the text. Although that's one of those things that will never come in too handy, and I'll forget about it soon, it's still a nice touch. Kudos!

Forums

NEVER AGAIN WILL THIS SCREEN PLAGUE ME!

I can't comment much on the forums on ScrewAttack, considering every time I've wanted to go on, I've had to reset my password, and the moment I try to change it, my forums account stops working. Great. The saving grace of this problem is that it appears I'm not alone, as many others have this problem.

The worst thing about this problem is that there is a wide separation currently between the blogs and the forums, as I already stated when I mentioned the 3 new moderators, Brakywaki, SoonerMatt, and spungemonkey... one of whom I've seen on the blog section commenting, and two of which I've never heard of, so I can assume they're either forum people, or... people who don't go on the site. My guess is they're forum people. So, if we're able to unite the forums and the blogs, I'll be overjoyed.

Finally, I'll be able to read threads and comment on them without resetting my password every time. Every time I reset it, I die a little inside. Plus, if there's one lesson I've learned from video games...

NO RESETTING!
Hehe, I love that little guy. Anyway, now we're plowing headlong into the parts of 4.0 that I *Gasp* don't love! If this blog really upsets any of the ScrewAttack staff, I'll send them a virtual bunch of flowers. Sorry for the future nitpicking of all your hard work that is about the ensue.

The Bad!

Top User Blogs

I'm not saying anything written by Craig could be considered anything but 'Rad', but...

I'm not sure how these new 'Top Posts' will work on the new site, but I can see a couple of problems. Currently, it seems like a blog with the most comments will appear here, which can be a problem since I've seen good blogs get about 6 comments, whereas spam and flamebaits get loads. Think about it; do you want someone visiting the site for the first time to see a Top User Blog with the title of 'SIKE N***AS!'?

I'm fine with moderators picking which blogs should be given 'Top User Status', and not just because I've gotten a lot of top posts previously, but because if I had the choice between 'Leaving the choice to the moderators' and 'Leaving the choice to the moderators, the bloggers, the commenters, the trolls, the flamers, the spammers, the bots... etc' I'd pick the moderators. Then again, blogs might not be given this status for views. They may also be given them for...

Ratings

I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF YOU!!!

Ah, ratings. Rather than saying that they will never, ever work, here's some things you guys could possibly do (I have no idea how hard it is to design a site) to make them more balanced.

1) Show who rated, and what. I know that at the sight of this suggestion, hundreds of anonymous flamers will cry foul and scream about the violation of their human rights, but frankly, I do not care. If you rate something fairly, you have nothing to worry about. If you rate everyone's blogs very low without leaving any constructive criticism, or any sign that you thought anything in the blog wasn't good... we'll know it. If I rate something as a 1, chances are I'll have no problem explaining why in the comments.

2) Make ratings optional. Some people might want their blogs to have ratings. Others may not. I know I'm sounding whiny about this, but before ratings stopped on this site, I was getting a couple of blogs hate-voted. It's a strange feeling, seeing that one your blogs have 36 happy comments, no complaints at all, yet 7 people have rated it 1. I'm not saying for a second that my blogs don't still need improvement, but if there are some immature people who just can't be trusted with these things, I don't really want to give them the power over how my work is judged.

The G1 Points Issue

Getting some mixed messages?

If you haven't heard, I hate to break it to you, but g1 points might be reset completely on the new site. I can't figure out whether this is good or bad yet, since on the one hand, there are some high users like chefprotoss who aren't even here any more, and lower users like Whitly and DJGrandpa who write awesome content, but have too much catching up to do with the other g1s.

Still, there are a couple of unresolved issues with this solution. Firstly, ScrewAttack did kinda sorta maybe a little say that g1 points would have more use in 4.0. Whilst the new 'Levelling Up' system looks slightly more fun than points, that doesn't give them more use. Even though the points are useless, it's like your Achievements on the 360. They're meaningless, but you wouldn't want to get rid of them.

The only other unresolved issue I can think of is that I've been coming to the site every day since mid-January in order to try and achieve the 'Year of Destruction' award, and I assume I'm not the only one... I really hope this information gets carried over to 4.0, or else I really will have destroyed a year.

Oh, and getting 1 point for every comment and 2 points for every blog seems cool, but you may run the risk of attracting comment and blog-****** who post every minute to get the highest score.

Friends!

Hoorah for Silent_Protagonist!

This is a choice moreso aimed at other g1s than the actual geniuses behind 4.0; I'm begging you to use the friends system wisely! I can see this being mildly fun for a while, but then all I can see is it causing lots of E-Drama, in which people are offended by the lack of friend requests, or the refusal of someone to become friends. Besides, we already have g1 points to show off our E-Penises, we don't need to fall down to the level of the social networking sites and compete to see who can get more internet buddies than anyone else.

Besides, if any g1s are like me, they accept friend requests, and provided the 'Friend' doesn't do something to piss them off, they'll stay there, so everyone will just end up being friends with... everyone. A truly horrifying thought, eh?

On this note, subscriptions sound cool, but could also be ruined to E-Drama. I'd subscribe to SP or PekoponTAS, because although their stuff is awesome, they don't blog as commonly as others and I'm liable to miss them. If I subscribed to everyone I liked... there'd be no point logging on any more! I'd know everything you'd written before I'd got on! So, E-People... I'm counting on you... Alright, we've seen the good and the bad, now it's time to look at the stuff I have no idea about. The stuff that literally, could go either way.

The 'Interesting' Features!

Blogs

Say wha?

This signifies exactly what I mean when I say 'Interesting' Features. Features that I'm intrigued with, but don't quite understand how they'd work. On the one hand, you can now compose drafts of your blogs, which will be incredibly handy to someone like me, who usually just sits down and spends 3 hours at a time writing (Or 4 hours if the blog has, say... 13 Photobucket pictures.)

I'm not quite sure what the Admin feature means yet, but I'm also intrigued by 'Collaborate'. From what I've seen, it looks like letting other people write blogs in your 'Blog channel' so to speak. Seriously though, I have no idea. All I know is that it looks interesting. There are also new profile options to do with blogs, so rather than uploading pictures to Photobucket, podcasts to Podomatic, and videos to Youtube, you can upload them straight onto your files in Screwattack! Not only is this helpful, but I'm pretty sure the site, unlike the PS3, is backwards-compatible! So, if you have things on Podomatic and Photobucket, you can still use them. Shoopus Das Woopus.

Blog Sections

Where's the section for spam?

I'm on two sides once again for this one. On the one hand, I'm liking these new sections, and I can see them all being filled up with g1 work soon enough, even if 'Walkthroughs' and 'Fan Trailers' may be slow to get off the mark. It's hard to say I have a problem with this, since for ScrewAttack to actually come up with sections for every blog would be a task harder than playing I Wanna Be The Guy blindfolded.

Still, I am left wondering where my Rants and Room 101s would go. I wouldn't call anything with the word 'Rant' original, and I nicked the idea for 'Room 101' from a British TV Comedy Show, so that's out... should I just stick them in 'Other'?

Yes, it appears that like the half-elves in Tales of Symphonia, an original plot for a 360 exclusive, and an intelligent joke in an episode of South Park, my blogs will have no real place...

Eh, I'll just shove them somewhere and hope nobody notices. Chances are I won't be the only one using 'Other', and hell, as long as we can still view all blogs in the 'Blogs' section, then this new layout will be 100% awesome to me. Kudos, SA people!

The Spotlight

Anything that makes Pekopon sing must be good!

This is another 'Hit or Miss' thing that it mainly hit, since I found out that blogs can be placed in the g1 spotlight too. The only thing that confused me was the 'Upload a video' button and the fact that all 3 spotlighted choices were videos. I know that it takes more effort to read a blog than it does to write a video, but I'm glad to see they'll be given as much chance as anything else on this site.

My only query about this is how they're chosen. Is it the same as the 'Top User Blogs', or will there be moderators, or... I dunno. Overall, this looks like a funky idea, but be wary that some of us still haven't advanced technologically to the point of making videos yet (I still have to light a fire using two sticks too...)

Well, that just about wraps up my views on... EVERYTHING on Version 4.0. I figured I'd post this on Version 3, so that bloggers who hadn't gone on 4.0 would still be able to get an impression of what it's like, and I'd post it in Version 4 to give it a slightly better chance of a SA member seeing it. To this day, Craig has never commented on my stuff... *Sniff*

Oh, and I want to point out once again that I'm very happy with Version 4, despite this blog being full of whiny nitpicks, I mean... legitimate complaints. If it becomes apparent that some of the stuff I've talked about is just personal preference, feel free to ignore me for the good of the site. =D. If you guys could make Version 3 this awesome, and still manage to improve it in Version 4, I guess you know what you're doing a hell of a lot more than I do.

Plus, any criticisms in this blog need to be read by fellow bloggers in the full knowledge that changes are still being made to the site. This is Elmo 3000 (Level 4, apparently...)

DOPEFISH!

-saying good night, and...

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Room 101 with: Wandering Swordsman!

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:52:16 -0400

Today on Room 101, a very special guest... when I was still a Wii-hating, 'hardcore', garbage-writing newbie on the site, this guy was busy being the pioneer of good blogging. One of the most experienced, intelligent and respected bloggers on the site, one of my major role models on here, and the kind of blogger whose work I would suggest for ANYONE to read... Wandering Swordsman!

Let's jump straight in! What's your first choice for Room 101?

You know, as long as I don't get hit by a crow or something

Swordsman: Throughout gaming, the laws of physics are broken in high amounts of Hertz. However, there is one principle that is often ignored, and leads to much frustration. Well actually, it's combination of several. Newton's 2nd law, the Conservation of Energy, and the Conservation of Momentum. To get to the point, I'm talking about how in some games, when you get hit, you fly way back.

This occurs in a lot of old-school sidescrollers. A prime example would be the Castlevania games. A bat hits you, you fly back. A Medusa head hits you, you fly back. If a tau neutrino (*Elmo's Note: That's a subatomic particle, and I feel stupid for not knowing that!*) were to hit you, you'd probably fly back too. It's terrifyingly ludicrous, and makes a game needlessly challenging. I love legitimate difficulty, not cheap difficulty.

Imagine if you got into a fight with a little Elmo doll. The doll punches you in the leg, and you fly back 2 meters. Is that fair? No. No it's not. It's as fair as not top-posting SP's O&U blogs. Not fair at all. A big problem with this is that in games like Castlevania, there are lots of pits that if you fall into, you die. Thanks to the fact that the developers ignored those physics laws that I stated up there, you'll be falling into a lot of pits.

How does a bat kill you? Normally, if you wanted a bat to kill you, it would have to be carrying rabies and would have to bite you. Then you would die in an unpleasant fashion. Though a bat certainly couldn't kill you by slamming into you with a force of 3 Newtons, causing you to fly back 2 meters and into a bottomless pit.

Note that I'm not picking on Castlevania. I love those games. Other games like Ninja Gaiden and Megaman (to a lesser degree) are guilty too. Okay, all of those games are excellent, but it also occurs in tons of bad games, and it gives the developers yet another cheap way of bumping up the difficulty. Don't get me wrong: If an object that had a mass greater than Jose hit you at a speed faster than Link's increase in annoyance due to Navi, then I would understand your character flying back a few meters. However, in a bunch of games, whether a a boulder or a bat hits you, you go flying back a few meters too many. That is just not right.

Elmo: You referred to Navi as annoying, and thus I'm immediately tempted to keep this out of Room 101 (She is annoying, but it's greatly exaggerated) but alas, you appear to have a completely valid point. Curse that.

Flying backwards when you get hit in games is annoying, and it's definitely known to make hard games even harder. Ninja Gaiden was always too hard to be fun for me, although that was more to do with those stupid respawning enemies, and the impossibility of the final few stages. Still, I've also had more than my fair share of Castlevania deaths and other annoyances with this, so I can see where you're coming from.

It's hard to defend a gaming mechanic like this, but you could look at games in which you get little recovery time after getting hit, like the original Zelda. If you didn't fly back from an enemy, they could easily just hit you again. Plus, although it's an inconvenience, it has sometimes worked to create some great moments in games. Although 'Moldorm' in A Link to the Past annoyed me at first, I grew to love his boss battle, trying to avoid his body and hit his tail. If he didn't make you fly back, his battle would have been a lot easier, and a lot more disappointing.

Plus, in games like Megaman, bouncing back is part of the strategy of the game; it makes you go the extra mile to time your jumps on Air Man's stage. I guess the pondering here is whether the pros outweigh the cons. Can you think of at least one good example of this being implemented in a game?

Swordsman: The Zelda series is the only one where I can think of this being implemented well (and Megaman, which I'll get to in a second). I do remember the 2D ones sending you back, therefore adding to the challenge, but still not being totally unfair. As for the 3D ones, it’s far more realistic. A bat won’t knock you back, but an Iron Knuckle will.

I guess this really is only a problem in sidescrollers, because those games tend to have lots of bottomless pits, plus it’s a serious nuisance regardless. In Megaman 2, it does add to the challenge, but Megaman 2 is an incredibly well-designed game. Plus, you only get knocked back a little. Not like in Castlevania where you are sent flying. If those distances were cut in half, then it wouldn’t be much of a problem. Same with Ninja Gaiden; thanks to this mechanic, the birds are your worst enemies. How does that work?! Imagine if xenon was a bigger threat than francium. That wouldn’t be right. I guess that’s what makes this mechanic a real killer: It makes weak enemies your worst enemies, thus rocketing the annoyance factor through the
stratosphere.

Elmo: Hmmm... I think this can be done right, though. For example, in the Castlevania GBA games, like Circle of the Moon, Aria of Sorrow, and Harmony of Dissonance, you fly back when hit, but there are never any bottomless pits in the game, so the worst case scenario is; You fall a short way down a room. Plus, you still get momentary invincibility, so there's no danger of falling into more enemies.

Still, your point about Ninja Gaiden clinches it for me, for 2 reasons. See, I finished Castlevania 1 and Super Castlevania IV, both without cheating or save states or game genie or anything, but I had trouble when I got to the final stage of Ninja Gaiden. See, when you die, you start at the room you died in, and if you lose all your lives, you start at the beginning of that section of the level, so it's annoying, but bearable. If you die in 6-3, you restart in 6-3.

My problem is, if you get all the way to the boss (6-5) and die, it sends you all the way back to 6-1, which is ridiculously annoying and unfair, seeing as it's the final boss, and it even has more than one phase! Now, thanks to the problem of flying back when you hit enemies, this problem is either overshadowed by the more common 'A bird hit me and I flew back!' problem, or it's never found because people can't get far enough, so I've had to suffer with a lack of people who understand what I'm talking about... and I blame the physics!

Whatever you call it when an enemy hits you and you fly back, you're going into Room 101! *Thump*

Your next choice, please?

Do you take Paypal?

Swordsman: The Koholint Shop in the Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening. This place is brutal. Within this shop, you have to buy two items that are mandatory in order to beat the game: the shovel and the bow. The former costs 200 rupees. That’s bad enough. The latter costs 980 rupees. 980 RUPEES! What the hell?! Man, Koholint Island really needs to bring in some anti-trust laws, because that’s a prime example of why monopolies suck.

Also, remember the fact that this is all before economic inflation. Back in the older Zelda games, finding rupees actually took some time. It’s not like in The Wind Waker or Twilight Princess where you can find rupees everywhere.

Imagine if you had a serious fecal impaction and you were in the risk of getting fatal infections. In order to treat this, you would have to go through a process of basically sticking turds in through your posterior (I’m not making that up *Elmo's note: I know, but I wish you were...*) There are no hospitals anywhere near you, and nobody is willing to donate their ****. So you hurriedly run to the nearest gaming store and you are looking to buy Wii Music. Well, it turns out that the game costs $50! Geez, talk about a rip-off! And you need it to save your life! GAH! That’s why over-pricing is bad, especially for something that is needed.

There is sort of a solution to this problem in that it is possible to steal an item from the store. However, a few complications occur. First of all, what if you don’t know about this? You’re screwed. Second, it’s morally wrong (and Elmo, you’re the kind of person who can relate to having morals.) Third, if you ever go back into the store, the owner will use a thing called the 'Koholint Beam' on you which kills you instantly. That brings up another reason why the store sucks: It takes capital punishment to a level that no human rights activist would agree with. I’m a guy who is against the death penalty, and I’m certainly against it being used for such a rather minuscule crime. You can buy the bow and arrows and kill some animals with it. No punishment. But if you steal those arrows, you get an instant death sentence. What the hell?!

Elmo: Urm... great image there... when describing the system of... eurgh...

Moving onto the actual shop, it never annoyed me too much. The items are very expensive, but they're also practically all you need to buy in the game. You need the shovel fairly early on, for... something. I forget, shovels are never important in games. As for the bow, it IS expensive, but there's really nothing else in the game you really use your rupees on... apart from playing minigames to get a Heart Piece and a Yoshi Doll.

So I can see why you'd be annoyed, but usually in dungeons you find rupees in chest anyway, so you should have enough when you actually need to buy things. However, I can understand the annoyance if you were low on funds and then had to find 980 rupees to proceed...

As for the theft, well... that's just weird. So, which event in particular annoyed you the most?

Swordsman: It’s true that you don’t need to buy many things, but you don’t get many rupees easily. It really sucks when you have to take time to cut grass. Link is supposed to be a grand hero, not a lawnmower. Would it have killed the storekeeper to drop the price a little?

My real complaint is the storekeeper. What kind of anal retentive jerk kills somebody after stealing one item? In some countries, you get your hand chopped off for that… but not killed. He could just take all of your rupees. That would be acceptable. But no, he makes a laser out of plutonium crystals and kills you instantly! He doesn’t even give Link a chance to think of some last words! That is not right.

Elmo: To be fair, if you asked Link to think of ANY words, it might take a while. He does have that magical power to have conversations with people despite not talking... I like it. As for rupee-gathering, I can see it would be immensely annoying if you got to this point and only had a couple of rupees, but most players wouldn't have found anything else to spend so much money on, and most of the dungeons have chests and whatnot to keep you fairly rich.

As for the storekeeper, I'm sure you're exaggerating...

Wait, what?

He DOES kill you?

Well if he has some unstoppable laser beam, why doesn't HE go out and kill all the monsters, recover the eight instruments, and let Link have a rest and mind the shop? (Not that it ever gets any other customers...) What a greedy and inconsiderate bastard!

He, and this store, are both going into Room 101! *Smoosh*

Another choice, sil vous plait?

This is Metroid, by the way...

Swordsman: Ridiculous password systems. The AVGN brought it up a few times, and it’s a legitimate complaint. Passwords take forever to type up on console/handheld games. Therefore, whenever a password goes beyond 10 digits, it becomes utterly absurd. I can’t really explain this point too much, it’s just something that you would have to experience for yourself. Megaman gets massive points for integrating a really interesting password system that isn’t a total pain.

One counter-argument that could be used is that there is a lot of information in some games, and you need those long passwords in order to retain it. In the transfer of data between Golden Sun 1 and 2, that’s understandable. It’s something that’s not necessary, and you’re doing it because you actually want to retain your data. Plus, there’s the option of how much data you want to retain, and if you go for “bronze”, then the password isn’t too bad. But when it comes to older games in which a password system is necessary in order to “save” your game, do you care for keeping every last bit of your data, or do you care about getting back to the point where you left off and continuing your fun with the game? You really don’t care about details like points and stuff, you just want to get through the game. Ludicrous password systems really hamper the experience. Why not just have a few digits, like say 4 or 5? This does make it easier to “cheat” in a sense, but that is not a solid counter-argument at all if you just want to play through and finish a game without having to take 5 or more minutes to type up a password. Besides, if someone wants to cheat, then let them. It’s not affecting anyone.

Elmo: Finally, an excuse once again to bring up the amazing password system in the Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle series! Those passwords were awesome! Crazy Castle 1 had 4 letters, but Crazy Castle 2 had 4 letters that actually spelt a word! Try forgetting that silly gamers!

As for passwords that are actually horribly long, I can agree with you there. I actually bought a link cable online for transferring my data from Golden Sun 1 to 2, because I couldn't be bothered to see the very long passwords. Still, passwords like Metroid and Kid Icarus were annoying, even if they did give birth to some strange cheat codes. One strange Kid Icarus password is 'MY0NIN TENDO0 SUCKS0 ROYALY' or 'My Nintendo sucks royally,' which I can only assume was the work of an angry programmer whose console had recently broken. Oh, and who the hell is Justin Bailey anyway?

Another password system notable for being not terrible was the Castlevania series. Starting at Castlevania 3, they actually had a decent password system where you just put items in boxes. This was brought back in a 4x4 box in Super Castlevania IV, and an even better 3x3 box in Dracula X.

So, in order for me to see how bad passwords can be, I'll need some more examples of both. Can you think of one really awesome password, and one really stupid and annoying one?

Swordsman: A stupid and annoying one would be the Zelda Oracle games when you’re transferring data between Seasons and Ages. Much like in Golden Sun, the password is not fun at all and makes you want a link cable. What’s really bad is that I remember having a hard time distinguishing some of the symbols. If you’re a developer, and you’re putting in a ridiculous password system into your game, the least you could do is make it easy to distinguish the characters. Otherwise, you’re a sack of burnt pancakes.

Interesting that you note the Castlevania series. The first two games had those typical long passwords with random characters. Yuck! Seriously, why couldn’t they have the passwords be made up of actual words, or a series of memorable numbers? Good thing that in Castlevania III, they fixed things up (especially since that game is as hard as meatballs at cryogenic temperatures).

A good password system would be the one in Double Dragon II. Think of the Konami code: You just press buttons on your controller in a certain arrangement. This is a hell of a lot easier than typing up 16 random digits. Why couldn’t more developers do that? It’s like trying to make a bomb out of liquid nitrogen instead of just using hydrogen. One is far more efficient and overall better than the other.

Elmo: I've played Double Dragon II a few times and I've never seen a password come up... I thought it was like the first Double Dragon, all in one playthrough. Then again, you are a more reliable source than me, so I'll shut up.

I can remember another fairly reliable password, although I doubt anyone else will; The Incredibles on GBA. I actually remember trying, and failing, to recall a password, entering a close guess, and going to a previous stage, except I now had invincibility! However, this glitch turned out to be sexist, since Mrs Incredible was still hurt by those annoying land-mines that popped up, whereas Mr Incredible was just downright unstoppable. Man THQ, what a bunch of chauvinists you are!

I don't think I can really stand against this choice though. We all hate annoying password systems (Unlike the ones in Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 1 + 2,) and we all welcome really awesome and short password systems (Like the ones in Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle 1 and 2,) so I don't think anyone will have any problems with me putting horrendous password systems into Room 101. *Smash*

The penultimate choice?

Kiss goodbye to your last hour of level-grinding...

Swordsman: The inability to save in dungeons in Final Fantasy 3 (the real one). No matter which version you own, saving is not allowed within dungeons. Basically, if you go through a dungeon, take on a boss, and die (which is very possible since some bosses are actually tough), then you have to start the dungeon all over. That’s not making a game more challenging, that’s making a game more frustrating. Not to mention the fact that the final dungeon and boss are parsecs in magnitude of the difficulty scale, making failure seem all the more excruciating thanks to the lack of saving.

Elmo: Wow, that sounds pretty annoying. The only annoyances I've had like that are minor in comparison, like wanting to save before a boss in 'Tales of Symphonia' but being unable to find a memory gem to unlock a savepoint, or being in a long Pokemon battle followed by a cutscene and dialogue so you can't save. The moral of this story is; Play all your games on emulators, and save state whenever you like! (Don't, it actually ruins the game to a large extent)

So, can you give me an example of the horrifically overpowered bosses that await you, desperate to force you to replay the last 40 minutes of gameplay?

Swordsman: It’s tough to pick out any one example, because excluding the first few bosses (which are relatively easy), all of them require a degree of level-grinding to beat. I already mentioned the last boss, and trust me, it’s worth mentioning again. 120000 HP, four attacks per turn, and has really strong attacks. As for the dungeon… LONG!!! We’re talking longer than Jet Fire’s Top 100. Plus the enemies during random encounters are quite strong.

There are optional bosses along the way, which if you beat, it will help you against the final battle… but you can’t save. So if you lose during any of those battles, you lose everything. By the way, it’s worth mentioning that there are only a limited amount of Phoenix Downs in the game. So if a party member dies, you might not be able to revive him or her. How wonderful.

Elmo: Ouch, that definitely sounds annoying. Still, it sounds no more annoying than a lot of other RPGs which have a similar style. At one point in Tales of Symphonia, you have to battle two bosses in a row (No, not the two phases of the final boss, that's fairly easy actually; I'm talking two separate bosses) with no saves, and that was annoying because you can't skip the cutscenes in between. Then again, I'd rather repeat the cutscene 100 times than let someone skip it the first time they play... It's always those cutscene-skipping gamers that go on to complain about how the games they play don't have decent storyline...

Anyway, there's a simple tactic for games like this, which could also be used on the optional bosses. The tactic is: Go inside dungeon, level up, come out, heal and save, lather, rinse, repeat as needed. However, I don't know how long these dungeons are, and having played 'Mother' or 'Earthbound Zero' as it's more commonly known as, I know how incredibly long (And bland, for that matter) some dungeons can be.

Still, I don't think I can put this into Room 101 for the simple reason that I think it encourages you a bit. Whenever it happens to me, I always get worried that I might die and lose my data, so I decide to level up all my characters by, say... 3 levels. Then, by the time that's finished, I realise that it would be worth heading outside to save again in case I lost, since one of my characters learnt a new move.

Admittedly this is tougher when the enemies in the dungeon are tough (I'm having some 'Nam flashbacks of the Cave of the Past in Earthbound *Shudder* Ghost of Starman...) but it makes sure you'll be in good shape when you finally decide it's time you faced up to the boss. Fighting a boss is like sitting down for an exam; You either keep your fingers crossed and pray that luck is on your side, or you take a few deep breaths and say, "I've prepared, and I'm ready for you!"

Speaking of which, I should probably spend some time this week revising my Maths... What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the saving inability in Final Fantasy 3 Dungeons... you're not going into Room 101, so I'm afraid you'll have to take it home with you Wandering Swordsman!

But now, the final choice?

*Sigh* Again?

Swordsman: Those so called 'mazes' that Nintendo loved putting into their older games, and that occasionally pop up throughout gaming history. Examples include:

• Some of the castle levels in the original Super Mario Bros

• That part just before the 5th dungeon in the original Legend of Zelda (referred to as the Lost Hills)

• The Palmacosta Human Ranch in Tales of Symphonia, those portals that lead to the boss

I really hate those types of mazes where you just pick basically a random direction and hope it’s the right one. If not, the maze becomes seemingly endless. It’s especially bad when you’re given no clues. That leaves you to just purely guessing, which is just asinine if you ask me.

As a kid, I would absolutely own Super Mario Bros, up until World 7-4. Then it would be Game Over for me. I could never get through that so-called “maze”, and thus, I never was able to beat the game. It was frustrating as hell for me (and boy was I elated when I finally got past it a few years ago on the VC).

Normally, I love mazes. I enjoyed the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time, I enjoyed the Hazy Maze Cave in Super Mario 64, and I enjoyed trying to figure out quantum chromodynamics. However, those mazes that I mentioned above, I just despised. They are not fun, they are not interesting, they just give the developers a real cheap way of impeding your progress.

Elmo: You get bonus points for admitting you liked the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time. It wasn't that bad!

I lost on my first time going through that Super Mario Bros castle too... it's very unclear that you're supposed to go a certain way. I know that NES games couldn't have signposts or detailed hints, but... come on, an arrow would have been nice.

Like a giant arrow pointing downwards at the spot in Metroid when you're supposed to leap straight into a pool of acid; the LAST thing you would attempt to do, only after exhausting every other possibility in the game... That arrow would be able to stop me constantly bringing up this point and arguing about it!

I find that the older mazes in these games are part of the 'Nintendo Power' generation of games, the generation which claims 'Oh, all these terrible new games, holding your hand, taking all the challenge away by showing you what the hell you're actually meant to be doing...' I give each game I play a fair treatment, but there are some NES games that actually manage to have linear structures and straightforward solutions, so the time period isn't really an excuse.

Still, I'm going off-topic here. I'm surprised to see you snuck in a Tales of Symphonia reference, although I do remember that maze, and I remember that it took me quite a while to finish it. I also would've never guessed that in the 'Lost Hills', you just have to keep going up 4 times to get to the next dungeon. Especially considering that if you had to move in a direction 4 times, there are... no less than 256 different combinations. As hard as I try, I doubt I'd figure it out within the hour, and it wouldn't be fun nor challenging, nor rewarding when it finished. It would just be, frankly, a pain in the behind. Plus, you have no idea that you need to move 4 screens! For all you know, it could be 6 or 7! Admittedly, one of the first things you'd try is going up and up and up for a while, but I'd get unenthusiastic after one or two screens...

Swordsman: Yeah, those mazes are examples of exponential functions. The amount of possibilities is equal to the function n is equal to the amount of directions to the exponent n. What that means is that you’re going to have to do A LOT of guessing in those mazes, and you have to be sure that you’re carrying lots of lucky broken clavicles… broken clavicles are good luck charms… right?

Anyways, another example that I could think of is Golden Sun: The Lost Age. You have one of those mazes inside of Gaia Rock, just before that monstrous parody of Orochi (and this time, the parody is not funny). Though they do help you in this maze: In the middle of each room is a little flower. If you use the growth psynergy on the flower, it will point you in the right direction. However, all this does is that it sucks up your PP, and is not any fun at all. They could’ve had it like Air Rock and make that part a legitimate maze. Sure, that would bump up the length of the dungeon, but I’d rather that instead of just pointlessly going in different directions. Mazes like that should be banned from games if you ask me.

Elmo: There's an interesting paradox here now, since I have an example from Golden Sun that could be for or against this.

At one point in the game, you go through a forest maze, and if there was more than one choice, you could use the spell 'Force' on a trunk, and an animal would jump out and show you the way to go. The problem is, if you went the wrong way, you'd go through some recurring screens, realise you'd gone the wrong way, and be able to get back very soon and go the right way. Because of that, I never even had to use 'Force' on the trunks.

This puzzle is also similar to the forest in Heimdall in 'Tales of Symphonia', since you CAN go the wrong way, but it just leads you back onto the screen you were on, but in a different place. Because of this, you always clearly know where you're going, and thinking about it, I like knowing where I'm going. I like it a lot.

So, mazes that give you no possible clue of where to go, and no acknowledgement that you're even travelling in the right direction when you do... you're going into Room 101! *Thud*

Well, that's all folks! Thanks to Wandering Swordsman, and congratulations on him for getting 4 out of 5 items into Room 101!

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 54: Super Mario Bros 2 Syndrome

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:52:11 -0400

Today, I'll be talking about a certain symptom that can be detected in several games. It has happened previously, it's happening now, and I'm sure it will happen again.

I refer of course, to Super Mario Bros 2 Syndrome.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

This is the kind of problem that is easy to explain with an example, but sounds really stupid without one, as I'll prove now by trying to explain it. SMB2 Syndrome is when a certain game cannot receive any complaints, for they are all assumed to be a common complaint, which is disregarded for being stupid.

You might not understand from that, so I'll use Super Mario Bros 2 as the example. We all know by now that the real Super Mario Bros 2 was deemed too hard for release outside of Japan, and instead we got a game named 'Doki Doki Panic' with Mario characters replacing the originals. Apart from the ET landfill story, this is probably the most famous gaming story on the internet, so if you'd never heard of it before, I may have just saved you from future embarrassment! You're welcome!

Anyway, the problem that arises is that a lot of people complain that Super Mario Bros 2 isn't a good game because... it isn't Super Mario Bros 2, it's Doki Doki Panic (and it's also one of the NES games I actually have!) Now, most people are wise enough just to say, "So what? It's still a pretty fun game, just shut up about it!"

So, the problem that arises, which I have named after this game that started it all, is that if anyone offers up a different complaint about Super Mario Bros 2, it's instantly assumed that the complaint is about the SMB2/Doki Doki scandal, which leads to people being told to stop complaining about something they were never complaining about in the first place.

In order to give you a better idea, I've gathered 5 games that I believe represent this problem. I warn you though, since this problem isn't the biggest in gaming, it's pretty hard to find a lot of these games that fulfil the requirements of being SMB2 games. They're out there though... somewhere...

5) Resident Evil

OMFG WHERE'S LEON?

Why I'm supposed to criticise it: "I played Resident Evil 4 and 5, so I thought the old ones would be ok, but they suck! You walk like, really slow, and it's from a really crappy angle! Plus, some of the puzzles actually require you to think! This game sucks!!!

Why I actually criticise it: I actually played this game (The Gamecube remake) before I played Resident Evil 4, but I only got a few hours into this one, whereas I think I'm on my... 12th run through Leon's escapades. This game doesn't have flaws in comparison to the fourth installment, it just... has flaws.

Let's start with the aiming. This is probably the number one biggest flaw in the game for me; It downright sucks. No sugarcoating, no dancing around it, the aiming is not good. Now, to compare this to a game like Resident Evil 4, or even an FPS like Goldeneye, would be very unfair, since they're completely different in style. But, that doesn't stop me from comparing it to a game that was similar, but in my opinion, much more responsive.

BOOM, HEADSHOT!

That's right, Eternal Darkness, one of my favourite Gamecube games, and one of my favourite games in general, this game has a similar layout to an older Resident Evil game. Manipulatively fixed camera angles? Check. A soundtrack that will both amaze you and terrify you? Check. A satisfactory aiming control scheme? Check; at least for one of these games.

In Eternal Darkness, by aiming at a monster, his torso is highlighted. If you keep aiming and press up, you aim at his head. Left and right aim at his arms, and down can blow his legs off. Now, compare that to Resident Evil!

Well, if you aim, you point the gun in front of you, and if you press down, you aim almost directly at the floor... and if you aim up, Jill and Chris decide to point their guns towards the ceiling. It doesn't help that it took me a while to figure out that shooting them in the legs is more effective than a headshot. Excuse me for not figuring that out, since obviously shooting someone in the fibula is more effective than a bullet to the brain.

For it's credit, Resident Evil has a good soundtrack, and it was the first game of its kind to bring survival-horror to a mainstream audience. The scares were there, the camera angles were there, and everything was manipulated to keep the atmosphere somewhere between scary and terrifying.

My only other big complaint was the carrying system in this game. 6 items at a time. Considering you'll need 2 for your weapon and ammo, and you should always carry a first aid spray, and you'll almost certainly have a key half the time, and considering there's a wide range of other things to pick up, it's very annoying, trying to solve the puzzles of this game when you spend all your time going back and forth, and deciding which things to drop. It's not strategy; it's just annoying. Especially if, heaven forbid, you want to carry a handgun AND shotgun.

The last nitpick I have for this game is that examining the items is unnecessary and a tad confusing. I found an arrow, and there was space for an arrowhead in a gravestone, so I went there and tried to use it, but it wouldn't let me. I had to examine the arrow, and take the arrowhead off separately. If that's not enough, when I unlocked the grave, I went somewhere underground and found a book, which I had to examine in my inventory to get a key, which I had to examine to see what doors it unlocked. There's no puzzle element in this, so why not just give me the key to begin with?

Anyway, all in all, it's still quite a good game, even if my crown of survival horror rests upon the head of Clock Tower: The First Fear.

4) Animal Crossing

Believe it or not, this is one of the highlights

Why I'm supposed to criticise it: What the hell is this kiddy crap? Why would I want to spend time making a village when I can be sifting some heads?

Why I actually criticise it: To be frank, lack of things to do. There's really not much to do in this game.

Part of the problem is that, from the range of things that you CAN do, these get old fast, and also have a little/no reward. Take fossils, for instance. Around your village are brown stalks, which mean something's buried there. I dug up some fossils every day, and had to send them to a museum to be identified. The next day, they'd send me back three at a time, and I'd either sell them, or donate them to the little empty museum in my village (I named it Onett... no prizes for guessing what my character was called.)

So, after a few months, I finally got the torso of a T-Rex in the mail, and off I went to finish my collection! Whenever you donate something to the museum, you don't get anything but a quick 'Thanks!' from Blathers, the curator, but I figured I might get some sort of reward for completing the entire dinosaur collection!

I was wrong!

All I got was a quick message from Blathers thanking me for completing it. Well, that was well worth the hours of my time! It also put me off even bothering to finish my collection of bugs, fish, and paintings. That's my main problem with this game; You do a few repetitive tasks, and get no reward except for things to look at. Maybe some nice wallpaper to decorate your house with. Maybe some paint to colour your roof. Maybe even a new outfit, I don't know, all I know is that these things do nothing other than look nice, and some of them don't even do THAT!

The fishing in this game is similar to fishing in Pokemon Ruby/Sapphire, as in you wait for a bite, then time it right and land the fish. The only problem is, fishing wasn't advertised on the box of Pokemon Sapphire, claiming it was one of the main activities to partake in. You can also pull weeds, shake trees, and whack your shovel into rocks for fun. Oh, what a beautiful game.

There are positives to this game; for example, I think every month has a different tune, and you do get some decent presents on your Birthday and Christmas. The idea of having NES games as unlockable bonuses to play was a fun idea; Virtual Console before the virtual console. I can't flaw the graphics either, as the 'kiddy' look of the game is one thing I'm a fan of.

Still, just a general lack of activities makes this game dull, and just to rub it in my face, they HAD to taunt me with the sports day. Most of the calendar events are dull, like the moon-watching or occasional fishing challenges, but I was really excited about the sports day. I even changed my internal clock to get their sooner, but when I arrived, all I say was some aerobics for ME to partake in (6am aerobics are on every day in 'Animal Crossing' land, and they're usually as dull as the rest of it) and then a load of really interesting games that they would let me WATCH, without actually doing. I'm still bitter over that.

3) Super Smash Bros Brawl

7.8 for artistic impression. 3.4 for landing.

Why I'm supposed to criticise it: This game ruined Super Smash Bros competitively! Let's play Melee instead! Final Destination! No items! 5-stock! Fox only!

Why I actually criticise it: General lack of additions from Melee, especially compared to the improvements Melee made over the original.

The original Super Smash Bros was a game that made people think. Not only was it fun, but everyone who played it got the feeling, "When Nintendo are capable of making games with better graphics, and better gameplay, on better consoles... this series will be HUGE!" They were right.

It was a mixture of things that make Super Smash Bros Brawl a bit disappointing (Not a bad game by any means, just disappointing.) Firstly, there were little touches to make the game more 'accessible', which usually annoys me because these changes usually focus on getting new players interested, without much regard for the old ones.

A couple of examples of this as following:

The Target Tests. Every Super Smash Bros game so far had target tests that were unique for each character. This time, they just got lazy and only made a couple, and just made every character play them instead. Cheap twats.

The Homerun Contest. Whilst I was no pro at this, I could still get the trophies you needed to unlock by hitting that sandbag as far as it would go, and it was rewarding! I'll never forget that Ganondorf technique I used to get 1200+ Metres, or the way I managed to Falcon Punch Sandbag three times without knocking him off the edge, but now there's a protective barrier around the platform, so you can just get two players to be Ganondorf and gang up on the sandbag for an overwhelmingly easy high score.

The Jumping. I'll admit that the jumping in Melee was sometimes uneven, but... sheesh, it's practically impossible to get knocked out of the bottom of a stage without a meteor smash now. Have you SEEN Snake's up B recovery? What about Sonic's, and Dedede's, and... just about everyone's?

The Unlockables. In Melee, after unlocking all the characters and stages, you could get some cool trophies too. This seemed fun at the time, because there weren't too many to make it annoying, but enough to make it impressive to get them all. In Brawl, we have the trophies, the 'I wasn't good enough to be a trophy!' stickers, and now we have to collect music as well. Plus, the idea of unlockable 'Masterpieces' makes me want to vomit. I don't want to be rewarded with a 50 second version of a game I've already played.

(Attack of) The Clones. Melee was a bad game for clones. Pikachu had Pichu, Captain Falcon had Ganondorf (!), Mario-Dr Mario, Link-Young Link, Fox-Falco, and Marth-Roy. So, in a game that's meant to be an improvement, why would you make things worse for the clones?

I'm not saying that the clones in Brawl don't play differently to the clones in Melee; truth be told, they're a lot better, with significant differences that almost make it feel as if you really are playing with a different character. However...

Fox-Falco-Wolf? Come on, get it together Sakurai! A three-way clone?

The Nerfing of Jigglypuff: This is a very personal reason. My main characters are Link, Ness, Captain Falcon, Luigi, etc... but whenever I challenged someone new, I always played as Jigglypuff. They're just such a powerful Pokemon when used correctly, and nothing wipes the smirk off someone's face like seeing their Ganondorf sent flying off the screen by a well-aimed 'Rest'. Rollout works a treat too, especially if they think they've dodged it, and then you change direction.

Now, the problem is that Jigglypuff was unfair in Melee, for the purpose of keeping things fair, if you can understand. They couldn't jump well, were weak, and easy to knock away. So they got 2 safety nets in the form of Rollout and Rest. So why, in Brawl, when my friend 'Rest's Toon Link at 68% damage, does he just harmlessly make it back? Cut Jigglypuff some slack!

Oh, and on that note:

The lack of Viewtiful Joe as a character. I'm not a huge fan of his franchise, but for crying out loud, his moveset makes itself! He has a jump, double jump, third jump (Zoom-jump in the Viewtiful Joe games) and a variety of other moves. Plus, I wanna see him slow down time in his final smash. Speaking of which, the final smashes can be a tad unbalanced too, but I need to move on, pausing only to point out some pros in the game so there's still a chance I may be quoted when this comes up in the g1s top 100. =D

Undoubtedly, this game's soundtrack isn't matched by any other game. The fact that it takes the best songs from all of Nintendo's franchises, and some that aren't, and puts them all in one big game, makes this the most impressing game music collection to date. For the game's credit, the characters are fun and well-designed, and even though some stages are content to stay well within the game's boundaries, some, Toon Link's Pirate Ship in particular, do everything they can to push the console's limitations further and further.

Speaking of Toon Link, and well-designed graphics, and pushing console's limitations...

2) The Wind Waker

OMG WAT IS THIS GHEY SIHT?

Why I'm supposed to criticise it: Look at it! It's worse than Animal Crossing! Geez, awful, child-friendly garbage! I'm off to play Call of Duty 4...

Why I actually criticise it: I enjoyed this game a lot, and still do. That's probably not the most scathing criticism you've ever heard of it, but I cannot lie when I say that I think this is a game worthy of the almighty 'The Legend of Zelda' title. The graphics are beautiful, the music is lively, and the story is entertaining, and actually has one or two twists in it that you genuinely don't see coming, a rarity in a Zelda game.

Still, there are a couple of flaws that should be pointed out here. The sailing is most frequently brought up, although it's actually surprisingly fun for a lot of the time. Being able to make your boat jump is fun, as is firing a cannon at your enemies, and trying to shoot something with a bow and arrow as you zoom straight past with the wind on your side.

My first complaint in the game is something I never got into; Pictographs. To think that with all the effort they put into these things, they could've probably added another dungeon, is annoying. I've looked up how to get started on pictographs, but I'm pretty unenthusiastic about the whole thing. It doesn't seem like a sidequest with a very interesting addition to the game.

This game gets huge brownie points for adding the 'Rito' tribe of birds, one of my favourite tribes in gaming. They're helpful, fun, and pretty good postmen too, leading to one of the game's more entertaining minigames. Plus, 'Dragon Roost Island' is my favourite track in the game.

One of the big annoyances in this game for me is Orca. Even though his mini-game of trying to hit him with a sword isn't that bad at first, it's very glitchy when you have to try and make a decent amount of hits. You can only be hit twice and carry on; any more and he calls off the session, and this leads to grand frustration when you can't dodge due to his room being tiny, or when you DO dodge, but roll straight into a wall and end up getting hit anyway.

Plus, the final amount of times you have to hit him is 1000. That's 250 sword combos. Why would you want to make us do that, Nintendo?

The fishing didn't do much to float my boat (I didn't realise until I wrote it, but that's a pun!) since it just seems like an extension of work. I don't mind sailing through the ocean and stumbling across a chest I can pull up to give me 50 or so rupees, but it seems pointlessly annoying when I go through an optional room in a dungeon, just to be rewarded with... a treasure chart. Which I then have to mark on my map and visit in order to get that large amount of rupees/heart piece.

All in all, The Wind Waker is a thoroughly enjoyable game, as are all the games on this list, but I still feel like criticism's of its graphics have overshadowed all other complaints about the game, which is silly considering how awesome the graphics are.

I believe that no game represents Super Mario Bros 2 Syndrome like number one.

1) Super Mario Bros 2 (Well duh...)

SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Why I'm supposed to criticise it: DOKI DOKI PANIC!

Why I actually criticise it: It's... nothing above satisfactory for me.

The first game to ever cause the condition of having one stupid complaint that all other complaints get mistaken for, Super Mario Bros 2 is an alright game. My problem is, much like Animal Crossing, this game can get rather repetitive.

Whilst I'd rather have a repetitive level than a bad level, it's still not great to have repetition. It's hard to explain, since all the levels are obviously different, yet none of them were memorable for me.

To give you a brief background, I had the remake of this game for GBA, which is pretty good, since it allowed me to see what many call the best version of this game. It wasn't a bad game, but I remember playing through every level in one sitting, getting all the way to Wart, and then losing to him and getting bored, turning my GBA off (In my defence this was a time when I found the final boss of Super Mario Land hard.)

Looking back, I can remember playing games like Wario Land 2 when I was younger, and I can still have a good idea of what each level was like. Now, I've played that game a LOT more recently, so that's unfair, but I could also bring up Taz-Mania, a pretty fun Gameboy platformer that seems to have vanished off the face of the earth, replaced by ANOTHER Gameboy game called Taz-Mania that's fairly crappy. My point being, I can still remember the boss battles, the level designs, and the bonus stages of this game, as well as the final boss. Yet Super Mario Bros 2 just seems to blend together, like one big level.

This is shown best by the end-of-level bosses. It's Birdo. All the time. Except when it's the end of a world, Birdo will be the boss... except for the penultimate level, where I seem to recall the exit of the level (A decapitated eagle's head) flying around the level attacking you. I know I just said I didn't remember much, but there are some things in gaming that are downright hard to forget.

To be fair, I think a lot of the damage this game caused was purely the fact that it was called Super Mario Bros 2. I'm not saying that it sucks BECAUSE it's Doki Doki Panic, I'm saying that a lot of the mixed reactions are due to the confusion it caused. If this game was released as 'Doki Doki Panic', who knows what might have happened to it? Mario could have cursed it to be 'That stupid Japanese replacement game', or he could've made the world pay attention to a mildly above-average platformer. No one will ever know.

So, this is the end of my blog about 'Super Mario Bros 2' games. Like I said, it's happened before, and with the imminent release of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, I'm 100% sure it will happen again, with people desperately blaming the train for anything, and people with genuine complaints being ignored.

That's a bit of a low note to end this blog on, so I may as well chuck in the required Spirit Tracks message: Hey people! The train has the potential to really suck, like ANYTHING in gaming has the potential to suck, but wait until you've at least seen the game in action before you start condemning it for trying something new!

With that out of the way, this blog can safely end on a high note.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 53: I Wanna Be The Guy (Who Moderates Stuff)

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:05:54 -0400

That's right people, I am announcing to the world that I volunteer to become a moderator on this site. To be honest, I don't know whether I should send this to a mod, or a member of the Screw Crew, so I'm just going to post it here and keep my fingers crossed that somebody sees it.

Well, rather than trying to sound sophisticated or intelligent, I'll just list a bunch of reasons why I've changed my mind over the 'Horror of becoming a moderator' and would be available for the position.

1) I'm on ScrewAttack a lot anyway.

This isn't my chief argument, since being on ScrewAttack alone doesn't qualify becoming a moderator, but I think it would be a safe bet to say I'm on this site longer each day than some of the moderators themselves are. This isn't a criticism of the moderators; I don't begrudge them having something better to do, but I figure that if I'm on Screwattack just under 6 hours a day, it probably wouldn't be that bad of an idea letting me fight some trolls.

Obviously, if I'm writing a blog, I won't notice something going down on the site until it's finished, but luckily for you, I'm on Skype a lot of the time, where I can be contacted by a large number of g1s who can warn me that something bad is happening. Yay!

2) We need a couple more 'Blog-Moderators'.

Exhibit A! The list Fox posted recently of moderators on the site, in order to help people know who to message with their problems!

Moderaters:
The Keeper (I have not seen him on the blogs section)
They Call Me The Fizz (This guy used to comment on my stuff! Yaaaay!)
Keavy_Rain (I think I've heard his name somewhere...)
digitaldebaser (Yup)
Brakywaki (Another guy who I've seen commenting)
SoonerMatt (Sorry, can't place you)
spungemonkey (... Again, sorry, can't place you)

Now, I know that a lot of people on this site are both heavy bloggers AND forum users, but there are a couple who tend to stick more to the forums, hence my confusion when everyone starts saying inside jokes about something BoboTheMonkey says...

So, we need one or two moderators to stick to the blogging section of the site. We've been overrun with crap lately, from spambots to trolls, and it's really annoying when you catch one of them in the act, only to have to wait until someone who CAN do something comes online.

3) I'm for moderators having more powers.

I know it sounds like a very strange reason to say, "I want to be a moderator. Also, they should have more powers! Nyeheheheeeee!!!!" but from what I understand, moderators need permission in order to ban accounts and people. That's kind of annoying when the Screw Crew are busy working, and the moderator just has to sit there and wait, watching the unbanned Spambot clogging up recent comments.

I'm not sure if Screwattack has this or not, but bans on IP addresses would be good, so the culprits couldn't just get new accounts and start again. Obviously, this could get messy, but there could be a simple 'Two strikes and you're out' rule, in which if your IP address has had an account banned already, and you then return to spam/flame again, you can no longer log onto ScrewAttack from your computer. Mwahaha!!!

I may as well bring up my only other idea for the site. A lot of people were excited about the g1 points leaderboard, which me and HybridRain have kinda screwed up for anyone else... sorry about that. Still, there's a moment in an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, when Francis is working for a ranch-owner named Otto, and Otto has been putting up a fence to keep in his cows, and other cowboys keep tearing it down because they need to move their cows through to a watering hole. Tension builds, and a fight is about to erupt, when Francis pipes up,

"How about putting a gate in the fence?"

... "That could work..."

I felt the same way when I was in a Skype chat about solutions to the difficult leaderboard, when after a few suggestions I thought, "Why not make it a Top 10 rather than a Top 5?"

... "That could work..."

4) I can take the flames.

When a certain nameless blogger invaded the site yesterday, he launched a small war against a g1 I'd seen a bit of, and I felt pretty angry. This nice, friendly g1, having a sea of hate turned on him for no reason. Then, for some strange reason, I wondered what I'd feel like if it happened to me.

And for some reason, I started laughing.

See, I take criticism quite seriously. If people have a serious complaint about my blogs, I try to listen and learn from it as soon as possible. However, if somebody just said, "I screwed Elmo 3000's wife, and she said, 'It's such a relief to FINALLY be satisfied!" I'd probably just end up chuckling. So, as a moderator, I'd occasionally be the chief scapegoat in situations like this, and I know that earlier in my blogging career, somebody typing that would've made me feel pretty bad, so I'd rather it happened to me nowadays than a new blogger, nervous about his reception, for whom it could have disastrous consequences.

5) Some people think I'm a moderator already...

This only happens once every a month or so, but I'll get a PM from a blogger asking me to take a look at his work and see if I think it's worthy of a top post. At first, I thought people just... valued my opinion for some strange reason, before I actually realised they thought I had the power to top post things.

It's a mistake that I can make too. When I joined the site, I thought HybridRain was a moderator for ages. So, people can either learn that I'm not a moderator, or I could just avoid confusion by... becoming a moderator.

6) I am filled with hate!

This doesn't sound like a good thing, but one positive about being filled with hate is the fact that you can apply this hate to other things. See that guy over there, spamming? I bet he's the same guy who sings along to his iPod on my school bus every morning! See that spammer? I bet they're that telemarketter that wouldn't stop calling me when I was busy eating cake mix!

See that new blogger, unafraid of using the N word many times in a row? That's gotta be the one and only, Greg, the racist c*** I met in a game of 'Castle Wars' who goes down in history as the first guy to make me use the word 'c***' in a blog. I always thought it would be Nintendo of Europe to do that first, but oh well.

7) I can appreciate effort and work, regardless of message.

There was a time on this site when I'd see a blog named 'Why I Don't Like Earthbound', and I would never in a million years give it a single bit of credit. However, I changed when I saw the work of a single g1; Krisi.

I'd known him as a commenter because he tended to disagree with my policy on emulators. While I played Earthbound, he imported an American SNES so he could play games he couldn't find in Europe. I waited for the translation patch for the ROM of Mother 3, while he would've imported the game and played it through in Japanese.

I thought he was either insane or rich, until I came across a blog by him in which he showed the down side of having such strong morals. In it, he complained about how he's had to buy a third copy of Pokemon Silver because his copies break from old age, how his copy of Super Mario RPG broke, and how annoying it is to always stay completely legal in your quest for games. I saw his point of view, I changed my view of him, and I gained a massive amount of respect for him because of what he was doing.

Therefore, I like to think that if I saw a blog explaining why all my favourite games sucked, if it had valid points and was well-written, I'd consider it for a top post.

Silent_Protagonist would be a much better moderator than me.

That's not really a case for me becoming a moderator. I just wanted to chuck it in anyway, because it's true. I've also heard him say he'd be willing to do it, so there are now two moderator-volunteers. Plus, he should really get the power to give any blog in his 'Overlooked and Underrated' 100 points for awesomeness. Yay!

9) I'm here to help!

ScrewAttack is a website that has given me a LOT over this last year, and I wouldn't made returning the favour. If I get told by a moderator, "We don't need any more moderators to deal with top posts!" I can say, "Ok!" If I get told by a moderator, "We need some top posts, quick!" I can say, "Ok!"

I should also point out to people in a plea... when you make a blog that consists of mainly a video, please have some text before the video actually appears in the blog. I say this because, when the video comes straight after, the coding for the blog page messes up on my internet explorer, and if I click 'More' I can only get down to the blog with the video, and not below. I can't even go to the next page. Tragic...

10) No worries about me top-posting my own stuff.

There comes a time in a blogger's life when you realise that as long as you get a fairly decent amount of comments, you really don't need 200 points that I, being in Britain, can't spend anyway. It doesn't make me any more desperate to get points when I see HybridRain's Weekend Round-up, and think, "Wow, he definitely deserves to be number one of this site."

Take my Top Ten Books blog. It was almost off the Top Post section when I re-read it and noticed a few spelling mistakes. I knew if I edited it that it would go off the Top Post section, but I had 70+ comments. To see 70+ comments and think, "I want MORE!" would be overwhelmingly stupid.

Plus, it got another 10 comments when people started wondering why it had suddenly disappeared from the Top Post section anyway. Swish!

11) It would make a mental breakdown a lot more interesting.

If I have a mental breakdown in my current state, I'll end up covering myself in my many many Gamecube games, and probably making a blog called 'RAWR!' consisting of a sad emoticon.

However, if I'm a moderator... I'm going to leave it at that, because I feel the point I'm trying to make, "I'm willing to become a moderator!" would possibly be more successful if I didn't end this blog with a massive list of things I could completely screw up if I became a moderator. Ah, screw it, just make Silent_Protagonist one.

I should also point out that I'm making this blog as a way of saying, "I've seen a lot of flamers and spambots lately, and I figure I've sent about 20 messages to moderators over the last few months reporting the spambots alone. Would it not be easier if I could just deal with them myself?"

So just for the record, I'm not making this to say, "It's my lifelong dream to become a moderator! Refuse me this honour, and I'll cry!" So, if I don't become a moderator, no hard feelings.

Anyway, that's just about it for this blog.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Room 101 with: DJGrandPa!

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 16:56:20 -0400

Today's guest on Room 101 is a rising young blogger on Screwattack. He's established himself as a writer, reviewer, artist, and even interviewer, recently providing an insight into Keith Apicary himself. I also think he likes a Mario game, but I forgot which... if only he talked about it more...

Ladies and gentlemen, DJGrandPa!

Let's jump straight in. What's your first choice?

And this time, I want it to be half-decent!

Super Mario Sunshine's Final Boss

Elmo: You didn't care for Bowser and Bowser Jr in a bath of slime? Why not?

DJ: Well, while Bowser and Bowser Jr. sitting in a tub of slime could work if done well, it isn't in Sunshine. You see, the game is probably the most difficult of all the Mario games. I mean, really difficult. So, when you come into the final level, it begins hard as hell - as expected. Then after the 30th try you get to Bowser, and what a disappointment. It's easy as hell! (Editor's note: Is it possible for a game to be both easy as hell AND hard as hell?)

The only attack they are doing is shooting Bullet Bills which are easy to avoid. Occasionally Bowser will breathe fire, but it's easy to avoid as well. The thing you're supposed to do is to rocket up in the air with the water backpack FLUDD on 5 different platforms. That's it. What's REALLY disappointing though is that Bowser actually talks. He speaks English!

Elmo: What's so disappointing about Bowser speaking English? Bowser Jr spoke English much earlier in the game, and Bowser 'speaks' in Super Mario 64.

Also, although it was easy, it still took me a few tries to complete. Once you flew up with FLUDD, you had to ground-pound, which broke a bit of the platform, and then you had to rush off the falling pieces before you fell down with them.

DJ: Yes, but Bowser Jr. is a new character in the game. He was made specially for the game. So hearing him speak English isn't as much of a surprise. Bowser speaking English is... weird. Sure he 'spoke' in Mario 64, but it was in roars and then subtitled. They changed that in Mario Galaxy for a reason. It sounds horrible. They even kept Junior silenced.

Yes, it took some time to get up from the falling platforms. But I think that it had more to do with the bugs in the game. You could easily get up from there with the rocket boost if you didn't get up in time. But yes, it took me a try or two.

Elmo: Hmmmm... well, if the final boss was disappointing, what would you suggest for a final boss? Obviously it would still have to be against Bowser and Bowser Jr, but what would you do to make it different and interesting?

DJ: Hmmm... since the game is vacation based, I still think they should be in that pool of slime. Keep Bowser roaring from Mario 64, Bowser Jr can still speak though.

As for the fight itself... Maybe there could be some sorts of platforms in the pool in which you have to jump on. When you get close to Bowser he'll start breathing fire at you. Extinguish the fire with FLUDD and then you could throw a turtle shell or something in his mouth. Or maybe Bowser Jr could shoot Bullet Bills which you'd need to get into Bowser's mouth, like when you need to break those glasses in Super Mario Galaxy.

Elmo: Well, that sounds like an interesting concept, plus it includes a much better use of FLUDD... so based on the fact that you could come up with a better boss battle, I'm putting the final boss of Super Mario Sunshine into Room 101! *Thwomp*

Next item please!

He's no Miyamoto or Gunpei Yokoi, but what's bad about him?

Nintendo's Former Boss, Hiroshi Yamauchi

Elmo: *Gasp* Now why would you want to put him into Room 101? What's his history with Nintendo anyway?

DJ: He worked in Nintendo since the 60's or something (Editor's Note: 1949, actually.) That time period when they were experimenting with Love Hotels and such. In the 70's I think some employee there came up with the Ultra-Hand. That led Nintendo to get into the Video Game business. Sounds good right?

Elmo: Love Hotels? Let's just skip over that...

After researching a bit, I found out he became President of Nintendo in 1949, after his grandfather, the current President, suffered a stroke. He later fired several employees who refused to take him seriously due to his young age and lack of management skills, which I don't approve of, but I do understand how it was important establishing his authority.

Also, the Ultra-Hand was discovered when Hiroshi saw a factory worker playing with an 'extendable claw', and asked him to mass-produce it, which established Nintendo as an important company in the business of Games and Toys! Thank you, Wikipedia!

So anyway, the Ultra-Hand ... was this some sort of Power-Glove?

DJ: The Ultra-Hand... It could extend to grab objects far away from you. It was made by Gunpei Yokoi who also created the Game Boy and Virtual Boy...

Elmo: Oh, I've heard of him! He also did extensive work on the Metroid series, and I believe he had an important role in my first video game ever, Super Mario Land for the Gameboy.

So where does Hiroshi Yamauchi fit in?

DJ: Well, he was the one ruling Nintendo. He let the NES happen. All good, right? I think not. These are the rules he made the 3rd party developers follow:

Licensees were not permitted to release the same game for a competing console until two years had passed.

Nintendo would decide how many cartridges would be supplied to the licensee.

Nintendo would decide how much space would be dedicated for articles, advertising, etc. in Nintendo Power.

There was a minimum number of cartridges which had to be ordered by the licensee from Nintendo.

There was a yearly limit of five games that a licensee may produce for a Nintendo console. This rule was made due to caution of over saturation which caused the North American video game crash of 1983.

It was a living hell for the developers to make a profit out of the games.

Elmo: Ah, now I see your point. I'd heard about Nintendo being absolute pricks to third-party developers back in the NES days of gaming. So, did Hiroshi personally come up with these rules or supprt them, or does he just represent the bullying tactics used?

DJ: He personally came up with the rules. So when the Genesis came out developers went there to make a profit. But the Genesis wasn't selling as well as the SNES nor NES, so they still had to make games for Nintendo. But when PlayStation came in December 1994, Nintendo was still only 16-Bit. 2 years passed until Nintendo made the N64, with cartridges. This made people get a PlayStation instead and developers such as Square could now make games for a different system. This made the N64 not sell as well as the previous systems. When the GameCube came Nintendo had lost many of their 3rd party developers already and the GameCube became a failure. Especially Wii haters will hate him because if he wouldn't exist the Wii would probably never be made.

Elmo: "The Gamecube became a failure"?

HOW DARE YOU?!?

Anyway, while these rules sound horrible, should we still have a little respect for the boss of Nintendo? He did bring us a lot of fine games, after all.

DJ: Yes, that's very true Elmo. But was it him making the games? He only cared for his business. If something sold well, he'd make it. I think the real heroes are Shigeru Miyamoto and all the others working on the games.

About the GameCube being a failure, I of course meant financially. DJ and Elmo <3 Gamecube.

Elmo: Well, I'd feel bad putting the guy into Room 101... but I will 100% most definitely put 'The unfair tactics used in Nintendo's olden days to make as much money as possible while screwing over developers' into Room 101. Is that ok?

DJ: Sure... also, I think you should know that he fired all his relatives in Nintendo to clear the competition. But sure, put that in 101.

Elmo: WAIT, WHAT?

After looking into this, he made a deal with his grandfather which meant that no other family members could work for Nintendo, leading to his older brother being fired. But, whilst looking things up about him, I found this about when Hiroshi Yamauchi's absent father returned.

"When Yamauchi's father, Shikanojo, returned years later to see his son, he refused to speak to him. When Hiroshi was close to 30, he was contacted by his half sister and informed that Shikanojo had died in stroke. Hiroshi spent a day alone thinking if he should go before finally going. At the funeral he met his father's wife and their four daughters whom he never knew existed. He began feeling sorry about that he had not taken the opportunity to reconcile with his father when he was still alive. The death of his father changed Hiroshi, and he grieved for months and cried freely. From that day he has always made regular visits to his father's grave."

*Sniff* I really don't want to put him in Room 101 any more... Sorry DJ, but he's staying out.

Plus, when he retired from the Board of Directors, he turned down his pension, said to be between $9 Million - $14 Million, saying that 'Nintendo could put it to better use.' Awwww...

Your next choice?

As a general rule, the controller should be less than half the size of the console...

Playing FPS Games With The Xbox Controller

Elmo: Alright... what's so terrible about it?

DJ: *sigh* First I wanna say sorry to you Elmo since there will be a lot of debate on this in the comments.

Anyways, I've played one of the Halo games on the original X-Box and it was very difficult using that controller for that. It's very complicated with all those buttons and sticks. Take me back to the N64 where all you needed was 1 joystick and 2 buttons to play an FPS.

Elmo: Ah, the infamous controls debate over FPS games. Whilst I'm still terrible at most FPS games, XIII seems to have finally forced me to adapt to double-analogue stick control.

So, I'm guessing you're talking about Goldeneye for the N64. What were the main controls for that, and in what way were they more simple?

DJ: I can give two examples. Let's start with Goldeneye.

Goldeneye uses one joystick (duh!) You both aim and walk forward/backward with it. You shoot with the Z button perfectly placed at the bottom of the controller. You change weapons with A or B (I can't remember) and you can stand still and aim with the shoulderbuttons. It's really simple.

The other example is Turok: Rage Wars. It's pretty much the same as Goldeneye, BUT you aim with the analogue stick and walk around with the C-buttons. It makes for a faster game, it's really good. It's complicated without being too complicated.

Elmo: Hmmm... on the one hand, this sounds a lot easier than some FPS games today with dozens of actions you have to memorise.

On the other hand, I heard some problems arose from this; The main one being fighting 'Oddjob' in multiplayer on Goldeneye. Apparently he was too small, and you couldn't aim towards him in a hurry. I played Goldeneye a little round a friend's house once, and I found it annoying how no matter where I looked, the camera started dragging my view back to the middle of the screen. It made aiming harder for me.

Still, I can always give Resident Evil 4 a mention when it comes to good controls in a shooting game. Now THAT'S a game that's easy to get used to.

DJ: Well... I have played Resident Evil 4 two times, but that was on the Wii. I guess we should put Goldeneye aside and bring up Turok instead. Goldeneye was slow, yes. About Oddjob... well, was a long time since I played the multiplayer of it so I can't tell.

Turok: Rage Wars used the C-buttons to walk making it faster. But it's not complicated, it's very easy to control actually. Then again I guess it also has to do with the N64 controler being perfectly designed.

Elmo: I've heard some people say different things about the N64 controller... then again, I've heard people say bad things about the GAMECUBE controller, and I KNOW that must be a bunch of crap.

So, in more modern FPS games, when it's essential to be able to move in any direction and look in any direction, is there really any way to do this without two analogue sticks?

DJ: Hmm... very good question. The problem I think is that the analogue sticks are too damn sensitive. As soon as I touch them the pointer goes all over the screen. The N64 stick is laid back and very easy to control. I haven't played any shooter on the Gamecube, but the games I have played are easy to control. I think that the control designer needs to make the joysticks less sensitive. Nintendo got it right!

Elmo: Well, I've only played a few games with an Xbox controller, but that joystick was pretty dang sensitive... I think most FPS games have sensitivity settings though, so you can change them. When my friend came to visit, he had to change his sensitivity setting on XIII because he was used to moving faster. Is this just a matter of personal preference?

DJ: Hmm, maybe I've been playing too many Nintendo games. Who knows. But since I've played more than 1 Shooter game for both the Xbox and PS2 and both are too sensitive I guess that, if it's optional, they should at least make it have a good default sensitivity from the start.

Elmo: That's a good point, but if I put 'Playing FPS games with an Xbox controller' into Room 101, some people might not be able to play the awesome Xbox version of XIII!

Plus, it is largely a matter of personal preference. It's annoying to have to adjust the settings of a game to your favour, but unless they don't give you the option of adjusting at all, you shouldn't get too angry.

For those reasons, I'm afraid I'm unable to put FPS Controls on Xbox games into Room 101.

Will your next choice make it?

Screw 'Alone in'... they should've just stuck with 'The Dark' for a name. Certainly honest.

Alone in the Dark - Wii Version

Elmo: I've heard quite a few negative things about this game, but I haven't really looked into it. Can you tell me what the game is meant to be, please?

DJ: Well, the original Alone In The Dark (1992) was probably the first Survival-Horror game and it used 3D polygons as well. The games in the series have, from what I've heard, gotten progressively worse. Most people like the 360 and PS3 versions. But the Wii Version is the ONLY, one and ONLY bad game I've ever played. It's so horrible. It's supposed to be kinda like a blend beetween MacGyver and Resident Evil...

Elmo: Ouch! What changes are there between the Wii version and the PS3/360 versions that make the Wii game so much worse?

DJ: Well, before buying the game I knew that the game had got brutally criticised by reviewers. But since it was so cheap and the only game I could afford at the moment, I bought it. I put it in my Wii and started playing. I had a hard time seeing what the hell was happening. It was very dark... So I changed my TV settings so I could see what was going on. A bad sign there already.

And the puzzles... there are barely any. You practically smash something and then you go. The controls are (excuse the language) ASS!!! They are so bad that even thinking about it makes me want to cry! There's one level that really brings the crappiness to a whole new level. A driving level. You know that wheel in Mario Kart? The one that's very avarage? That wheel is NOTHING compared to this stupid way of controlling! You basically put the Wiimote and Nunchuk like a driving wheel to steer. It's even more complicated than the Xbox' FPS games... You need to steer to the left/right with them both while being accurate to not lose total control. It's awful.

Elmo: ... Wow, that does sound bad.

What is your least favourite part of the game?

DJ: The driving level, easily. But I'll rank the 2nd most worst part. It's that I though the idea was interesting, combining stuff to solve a problem. Well, I was so frustrated by the crappiness of the game that I sold it and I didn't get to do any MacGyvering.

Elmo: No MacGyvering? Oh no!

Well, I guess you could tell that the game was going to be horribly dark from the title, and the driving stages still sound absolutely horrible, but it's tough to imagine a bad game without playing it.

For the sake of helping me to understand the horror of this game, take me through the first 15 minutes you spent playing it.

DJ: Oh, it was a while ago since I played it.

I'm in some sorta room, seeing it in first person. Then the screen becomes blurry and it says that I must click the '-' button. I'm like "WTF?" and press it. The character blinks and the blurriness goes away. Did I hear somebody say gimmicky? Anyways, there are some men taking the character to another room when the building starts falling apart. If I remember rightly you then go to some sorta underground floor and you then climb down with a rope. Then I get mysteriously killed by something. This happens about 5 times until I get my TV some more light and I can now see that it was a swinging axe killing me. I get around it and get to the next level.

I think it was you climbing up on a building, and this has some trial and error moments since it can be hard to know when the rocks will be falling on you (rocks from the building falling apart.) I later get up from a window and the game is very buggy and frustrating. After 5 days of not playing it I sell it where I bought it. That wasn't 15 minutes though, more like 1½ hour.

Elmo: Wow, sounds pretty terrible. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm putting this game straight into Room 101! *Kaboosh*

Your final choice?

You wouldn't catch Link saying that, would you? Then again, you wouldn't catch Link saying anything...

Gramers!

Elmo: Gramers, eh? You mean the trigger-happy, l33t-speaking, Xbox Live-contaminating annoyances?

DJ: That is exactly what I mean. We all hate them, don't we? They are like the plague; they're everywhere and it makes you sick! The worst part about them is that they refers themselves to 'gamers' when they obviusly aren't. Everybody knows a Gamer is someone that loves Super Mario World.

Elmo: ...

DJ: Okay, maybe you don't have to love Super Mario World... But there are some variations of a gramer:

The L33T: He can play any FPS without losing a single time. This is because he doesn't play because it's fun, he plays to win. But when they do lose, all the rage in the world comes out from them, and even though they lost to someone because the one who killed them was better, they still refer to said person as a n00b.

The Sportsguy: The one featured in 'Nametags'. They play sports games because they are too lazy to go out and kick a ball. They wear shorts and are very cocky.

The One Wanting To Be Retro: Ugh... The ones that have seen a video of some oldschool video game and falls in love with it and says it's the greatest game ever, when they haven't played it!

They annoy me!! >

Elmo: Hmmm... whilst these gamers do annoy me sometimes, they're not as common as people think. So, what would you class as 'Gramer' games?

DJ: *Long breath*

Gears of War
Sports simulation games
God of War
Madden
Gears of War (yes, it's supposed to be there two times.)
Sports simulation games.
Any gray/brown FPS
Tony Hawk (although they are pretty good.)
Guitar Hero/Rock Band

Elmo: Hmmm... so basically the entire library of the Xbox 360. Some of these games, like Madden, have been around much longer than the gramer stereotype. Plus, I like to play Guitar Hero when I get the chance, but that doesn't make me a trash-talking douche.

However, you have managed to keep my interest since I'm willing to listen to anyone who criticises God of War...

So, is there a chance this could just be another gaming stereotype? Like all old people like the Wii, and only children like Pokemon, only 13 year olds like Halo, only paedophiles play World of Warcraft, etc...

DJ: Well, Madden has become a gramer game because it's now able to have incredibly realistic graphics and physics. I've also owned Guitar Hero, it could be seen as both a casual, normal and gramer game depending on how you look at it.

Hmm, a gaming stereotype. You're making it hard for me Elmo! GAH! Only paedophiles play WoW? How... random. Anyway, my step dad is a gramer. The only game he plays is BattleField 2. It's one of those realistic games, and guess what? He wears shorts and was in one point in time one of the best ranked in the whole game. He played it because it was realistic, and if he finds that's the best thing in a game, I wouldn't agree.

I guess I might as well change to the L33T kinda gramers. While they might not be as common as you might think, you must still say that they are annoying beyond belief (if it isn't 'UrNotL33T ofcourse.) Shouting at the game and constantly calling people n00bs... Damn they're annoying!

Elmo: Well, I have no problem putting THEM into Room 101. I don't think I can put 'Gramers' in general into Room 101 because it's become one of those completely useless terms, like hardcore and casual, that's thrown around so often these days by idiots that they no longer have any meaning at all. BUT, I have seen my fair share of annoying, online, pre-pubescent, gutter-mouthed, walking South Park scripts, and I have no problem putting them into Room 101.

DJ: Alright, I guess you're right Elmo. Hey, wait a minute! I thought I was supposed to teach you things, not the other way around! Anyway, I'm alright with that decision.

Elmo: Alright then. Gramers are safe from Room 101, but annoying online pre-pubescent... everything I typed earlier, YOU'RE GOING INTO ROOM 101! *Smoosh*

Yay! Well, that wraps up this Room 101 blog! Any final words?

DJ: This is DJGrandPa saying, Elmo's favourite game is Super Mario World, he just doesn't wanna say it. Also, thanks for making this with me Elmo, it was really fun and epic.

Elmo: No problem DJ, although everyone knows my favourite game is... Thinking about it, I don't actually have a favourite game, it would be a 6 way tie between a variety of others.

Also, I'd like to thank you for making this a particularly fun Room 101. You really chose a wide variety of things (A final boss, a person, a controller, a game, and a type of gamer) to make this interview more amusing. It was definitely fun to make.

Anyway, goodbye!

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Podcast 7.9: Elmo Hates Editting

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 15:55:56 -0400

Gah.

Anyway, this is the... 9th episode (If you include the crappy 'Resident Evil 4' special I did with Oldschool Master, and the episode with me, OSM, and Thunderbird) of Podcast 7.9, and it's just as terrible as the other 8.

Podcast 7.9: Episode 9

Elmo 3000's Podcast

This episode features me, Oldschool Master, and, as a surprising new addition... Whitly joined us for recording! PekoponTAS is too tired to do the show for now, so that's the "Why wasn't he here to try and stop this train wreck?" question answered.

This episode contains many things, some of the highlights being:

1) Me trying out a new snazzy intro, and giving us each a victory jingle.

2) Oldschool Master and Whitly debating Halo 3 and Assassin's Creed.

3) Whitly talks about how he lost his temper whilst trying to get past a big dog.

4) Oldschool Master talks about how he ruined his chances with a girl, all due to knowing me!

5) Me talking about how I embarrassed myself to a telemarketter this week.

6) Whitly talking about the origin of his name (IT INCLUDES NINJAS!)

7) Lots of annoying background noise as Skype messages continue to appear, and I get increasingly annoyed as my father keeps coming in (I edit him out though.)

Also, I apologise in advance for the strange background noise throughout the second half of this episode. For some reason, I started playing Super Mario Land on my GBA SP. If it's any consolation, I finish it by the end of the episode, and it never actually gets too loud. Sorry though. :P

I don't want to have to type any more about this, because it was a huge ***** to edit, so enjoy! Also, in case anyone is wondering, the intro music is the Title Screen of Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy, and the outro music is the ending theme from Super Mario Land, since I thought it fit in with the episode.

Thanks for... listening!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Famous Five: Donkey Kong Games

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:54:21 -0400

He's the leader of the bunch!
You know him well!
He's finally back!
To kick some tail!

His coconut gun can fire in spurts!
If he shoots ya... It's gonna hurt!
He's bigger, faster, and stronger too!
He's the first member-

DK! Donkey Kong! DK! Donkey Kong is here!

I don't need to explain Donkey Kong's fame.
Let's start talking about his best game!
So while the big monkey's still alive,
Let's begin this Famous Five!

(If those lines are lacking timing,
It's because I'm sh** at rhyming.)

The Perfect One

Donkey Kong Country (SNES)

Leave it to Beaver!

There's not much I can say about this game, but I'll try anyway; This was the game that really made Donkey Kong what he is today. We all know that 'Donkey Kong' on the NES is what made him famous, but this was the game that turned him into a promising franchise rather than a one-trick pony.

If you take out all those RPGs, this game has the best soundtrack on the SNES (Sorry Super Castlevania IV) with loads of unique tracks. I was on the verge of putting the GBA port in this spot, but the downscaling of the amazing music just pushed the original over the line. Even if the GBA game had the mini-game 'Candy's Dance Studio', which was Guitar Hero before Guitar Hero was Guitar Hero.

The levels of this game were what really made it stand out (Well duh...) since there was so much to do! There were secret photos to collect, figurines of animal buddies to unlock more mini-games, and various obstacles to keep the game fun, ranging from some diverse enemies to a wide range of barrels, animals, and landscapes with the sort of beautiful graphics that only Rare could manage on the SNES.

The boss battles were probably the weakest part of the game, even though they were still fun. Giant Beavers, Bees, Eagles, and in one case... a metal drum... even though they were all easy, it would usually take you one or two tries to beat King K Rool, especially if you wanted to beat him specifically with Donkey or Diddy.

This is also noted as the first appearance of Diddy Kong, who enjoyed a racing spin-off, a leading role in Donkey Kong Country 2, and can now be found beating the crap out of people on Super Smash Bros Brawl, and he does it all wearing a red baseball cap, even if it's not as cool as the one Ness wears.

The Close Contender

Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat (Gamecube)

I wish I could gather objects by clapping...

That's right, a game with the DK Bongos has managed to not only be called good, but actually be 'The Close Contender' to the perfect Donkey Kong game. Well, I was lucky enough to get myself some DK Bongos and a copy of Jungle Beat (Along with Donkey Konga) all for £20, so if you own a Gamecube, they're really not as expensive as you'd think.

Let's start talking about the levels; They're awesome. There are 18 levels in the game (Although 2 of them are just mainly a boss fight) and every level is made up of 2 other levels, which take about 5-10 minutes each, followed by a boss fight. The main aim of the game is to get lots of points by grabbing as many bananas as you can, which sounds simple if it weren't for one thing...

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

This game has one the best ideas for a 2D sidescroller I've seen since Viewtiful Joe. The aim is to get as many bananas (If you clap, you can collect all bananas within the red shockwave that appears) and to get combos, you can perform actions without touching the ground. For example, if Donkey Kong wall-jumps, that gets him an extra combo point. Same with ground-pounding, although you should only do that if you're going to bounce off someone or land in water, or you'll lose your combo.

The enemies are original and fun, and all can be dealt with by tapping the Bongos. Left moves you left, right moves you right, both of the Bongos makes you jump, and clapping is the action button. This sounds simple, but there are some more advanced moves you'll quickly get used to, like swimming, back-flipping, and ground-pounding.

The music is awesome. I'm not rushing onto Google to try to find the soundtrack anywhere, but if anyone complains about this soundtrack, you can automatically assume they're too hard to satisfy. Plus, I've heard complaints that this game is too long, but you really need to get used to the combos to actually finish it with the best ending. In every level, depending on how many beats you get (Represented by bananas, of course) you get different crests, with 200 beats being a Bronze, 400 Silver, 800 Gold, and secretly, 1200 Platinum. If anyone says this game is short, they obviously haven't unlocked everything.

That's not to say this game isn't manageable, but you may have to retry one or two levels. Especially once you find out there are people who can do THIS.

I should point out, you can only get a combo-point from one activity in one combo-run... That sounds weird, but let me explain. If you've backflipped (Combo 2) then gone to ground-pound (3) but landed on a giant plan stalk and swung yourself off it (4) and then came to a wall-jumping area, you wouldn't be able to make your combo increase just by constantly wall-jumping loads of times. One combo per activity. I've heard the maximum combo is 31, although the highest I've gotten is about 14.

I should also point out that frustration can strike when you don't want it to. I'm not as good as the guy in the picture above (See his amazing work on his Jungle Beat video playlist here!) but I'd managed to, on that level, get a combo of 2,500 beats, when a fecking mosquito stung Donkey Kong and he lost all those beats. I was swearing for a while after that...

Long story short; This game justifies the existence of the DK Bongos. You can get the 'New Play Control' version on the Wii, but it's not the same without the Bongos. You can't bash them repeatedly when you're punching one of the many bosses, some of which are *gasp* Kongs!

The 'Hit or Miss' Game

Donkey Kong 64 (N64)

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I really don't know what my opinion of this game is. I've played a few hours of it, and it's certainly not bad, but it hasn't grabbed my attention either, hence why it is the perfect candidate for the 'Hit or Miss' game.

The graphics are pretty good for an N64 game, since Rare was the master of these things at the time. The enemies are well-designed, the levels are entertaining, the controls are spot on... So why do I feel no longing to continue? I stopped playing about half an hour after I had to shoot buttons with the coconut gun.

I think my main problem with this game is just that it's one of 'THOSE' games. You know, the one's that are really good, but you have to get a few hours in to actually start giving a crap. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time was like that for me, just sitting there for a few months after I'd played the first few levels, then suddenly captivating me.

In the same way, this game had interesting characters, an amusing plot, and decent controls to go with entertaining levels. But for some reason, I'm just not into it, and it seems I'm not alone. It's not a bad game, just... it's a game you can describe by saying, "It's not a bad game, just..."

On the plus side, it had the DK rap, and the secret ending which features Cranky Kong overseeing auditions for a Donkey Kong game on the Gamecube, or 'Dolphin' as it was called at the time. At least this game did what countless Leisure Suit Larry games couldn't; Make people laugh.

The Underrated One

What better game to talk about that one named after the character himself? Donkey Kong!

No, not THAT Donkey Kong!

"HOW HIGH CAN YOU GET?" I don't know, but DK looks pretty stoned already

THIS Donkey Kong!

Yaaaay! Beautiful Monochrome Joy!

Whilst this is technically the forgotten game that started the Mario VS Donkey Kong series, I can't call it a Mario game, even if you only play as him, when the game itself is called 'Donkey Kong'. Anyway, let's crack on!

This is one of the best purchases on the Gameboy can could make. You remember all that cool stuff in those GBA and DS games, 'Mario VS Donkey Kong'? Well, surely the precursor would have to have been lacking in some of those things. There's no way they could have fit in the same controls, the same jumping mechanisms, the same backflipping, the same 3 collectables in each level to give you extra points, could they?

Well, they could. Rarely have I been more impressed with a Gameboy game.

One thing they had here but didn't have in the sequels (Which is really hard to explain) is portable switches. Let me do my best to tell you what makes them different from those switches in the GBA games that are colour-coordinated. If you touch a sign with a vertical ladder on it, you can put the ladder somewhere. It's your choice. You can put it ANYWHERE. It's not preset like the sequels, you really do have full control over wherever you want to put it. Obviously, it can't go through walls or water, or items in midair, but it's still a pretty clever idea to add strategy to the game.

There's a boss fight every 4 levels, in which Mario must make his way to DK before he grabs Pauline (That's right, Pauline is back in this game!) and runs off. There are also (Surprisingly for the Gameboy) little cutscenes in between each 4 levels, where you see DK getting away, and seeing Mario find out a way to follow him. It sounds weird, but it's amusing to watch, even if it is just for 10 seconds before I can start the next few levels.

Apart from that, this game is fairly similar to the GBA adaptation. But, considering this was on the Gameboy and not the GBA, I think this deserves the title of an underrated gem. Especially since I'd never heard of it until a few months ago.

The One to Avoid

It was tempting to take the easy way out and put the complete failure of a Wii racing game on here, but since I haven't played that game, I think it's better if I put something a little more close to home.

Donkey Kong: King of Swing (GBA)

... Urgh

This game is a little bit like a dumbed-down version of Jungle Beat, as in you only use the L and R buttons for the vast majority of the game. L makes Donkey Kong grab whatever's in his left hand and spin around on it, whilst R does the same for the right hand, so you can make Donkey Kong climb this way. He can also jump if you hold down both buttons and charge it up.

So, you want to know my problem with the game? Well... that's pretty much it! Whilst Jungle Beat has combos, and loads of stuff to do to get them, this game just has you climbing to the top and collecting bananas. It's also ridiculously tough to avoid the enemies considering how slowly DK moves. You can use 10 bananas to make DK invincible for a short period of time, but that doesn't last long. Chances are, you'll get bored of this title pretty quickly. I know I did.

This game is basically... a bad mini-game, made into an entire cartridge. Trying to jump is long and annoying, making every level take 5 times longer than it could, and if you jump at a bad angle, there's not much to stop you falling back down again. There's no room to avoid the enemies, and you end up using all your bananas in the first few bits of the level, only to lose the life in your very small health bar further on.

Overall, this game is... meh...

The Honourable Mention

Donkey Konga (Gamecube)

Konga! Kong-a! Get it?

Unless you live in Japan, you've probably got a maximum of 2 Donkey Konga games. You probably haven't even got those to be honest. It's a long-shot to find somebody else with one of them, let alone the sequel too. The main reason for that is simple: This game is kinda like Guitar Hero, except not as good. There, I said it.

Still, considering it would cost me £60 to get a Guitar Hero game and a controller, getting the DK Bongos and this game for £10 makes it worth a shot.

There are only 4 different beats you can do, including hitting the left and right bongos, separately and simultaneously, and clapping, which can also be activated by just clicking your fingers usually. Still, there's a bit more to the game than that. Some of the tracks are halfway-decent, with some even being better in the game, (At least, that's 'The Impression That I Get') than in real life.

There are a few different tracks taken directly from Super Smash Bros Melee, including the infamous DK Rap and even the Jungle Japes theme, along with the surprisingly fun 'Rainbow Cruise'. I believe there are a total of 31 songs in this game, and even though it sounds easy to only have 4 controls, try playing on the harder difficulties, then tape it, send it to me, and I'll send you back a tape of myself laughing at you.

There are also some fun mini-games to play with the bongos, which range from juggling bananas to helping DK climb up vines and collect fruit, to testing your timing and reflexes to drop metal barrels repeatedly on King K Rool's noggin. Genius!

Overall, it's still no Guitar Hero, but you should give it a shot if you have some spare time.

Well, there you have my famous five Donkey Kong games. Next time, I think I'll be taking on my favourite series of all time, Zelda, and determining the best, the most debatable, and the one that just plain sucked. No, I'm not picking the CD-I games, too predictable. No, I'm not taking the easy way out and picking a handheld game either. Or Zelda 2. Ah, screw it, just wait and see.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 52: Think of the Children!

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:41:08 -0400

Quick Edit: I should point out, this blog is fairly useless. I started it when 2 blogging issues were going on, but then I got bored... and was very busy played Golden Sun 2. I kept it, half-finished, until I decided to finish it today and post it, just for the hell of it. I wouldn't say the 2 blogging issues I talk about were resolved, but they did die down after a while. Hence the uselessness of the blog.

Anyway, enjoy!

WARNING!

If you want to understand in the slightest the tiny message behind this blog, you will need to read THIS (It won't take long.)

http://screwattack.com/node/29181

And you should also be aware of a recent nameless g1 who had trouble with a Top 100 games list. If you weren't here for that, don't worry about it, you should still get the gist of this blog. This is also by far one of the strangest blogs I'll ever write. Anyway, enjoy!

This is a story about a bunch of kids who all went to college at a big building named SCREWATTACK! The hero of this journey was a young lad named Keav... Kea... Kevin! That's it, Kevin! Anyway, Kevin was walking to school, feeling a tad tired. He was one of the prefects of the school, which meant that he had a few more responsibilities than the other kids. He could warn kids about bad behaviour, if they were REALLY bad, he could report it to a member of staff and they could get suspended, and he was also in charge of submitting work from other students to receive extra credit.

Unfortunately, life was tough for Kevin at the moment. The other kids had been overwhelming him and the other prefects with requests for forwarding their work for extra credit, and the staff at the school had been too busy to respond to all of the kids who kept breaking the rules. There had been one rule in particular that had been annoying Kevin a lot lately.

People had been taking their schoolbags into the library...

It clearly stated in the rules that you weren't meant to take your schoolbag into the library. Instead, you have to leave it outside in a pile, remove from the bag anything you wanted to take in, and take it in like that. Simple enough. If anyone was caught with their bag in the library, they were given a friendly warning and an explanation as to why they should try not to do it again.

Still, Kevin wasn't the only one with problems. A few metres ahead of him was Ulysses Ninja, or UN for short. He'd promised his teacher that he'd finish a large project, but he was having trouble coming up with things to say for it. It seemed like a lot of people at the school of Screwattack were having some problems lately.

Kevin had to walk past the library on the way to his classroom, and had already spotted several kids with their bags inside. Swearing under his breath, he continued to walk. Luckily for him, he bumped into his friend Brak... Brad! Brad was a fellow prefect so he could understand the annoyance Kevin was going through.

Morning was tough for Kevin. A bunch of idiots at the school were simultaneously making fun of him for his prefect duties, and then asking him to forward their essays to receive extra credit, and they couldn't understand why he would say no. He'd offer them constructive criticism, but that would only make them angry, thinking that he'd slagged off their work.

"Hypocrite!" shouted one angry child halfway through Kevin's second lesson. "I noticed all YOUR projects get extra credit!" Kevin sighed loudly, contemplating the idea of bashing that kid's face into a locker. They didn't realise; The fact that he could partake in projects worthy of extra credit was part of why he was a prefect in the first place! If he couldn't make anything worthy of extra credit, why would he be in a position to judge whether other people's work was?

Meanwhile, Ult... Ulysses Ninja was still worried about how he'd finish his project in time. His teachers had told him they wanted to see what he had to say, but his mind was going blank, until he spotted a vacant computer in the IT division...

It was break time for Kevin, and he'd already had to spend most of his precious free time chucking kids with bags out of the library, before finally finding a comfortable seat and sitting down with his trusty GBA. However, just as he was about to switch it on and be immersed into the world of Golden Sun, some kids dropped a pile of work on his lap and asked him to read through it. Being a prefect, it was his job, so he couldn't refuse...

Sleeping through most of his third lesson, he was relieved when lunch came about, only to see many more kids bringing their bags into the library. And so, Kevin did something everyone always knew he would do. He went a tad mental.

Grabbing his bag, he barged into the library shouting, "Look at me, I'm a stupid-dumbo-moron-idiot who can't follow the rules! I'll just bring my bag in with me, being a self-obsessed prick who can't understand the simplest of instructions!"

With that sarcastic outburst, he sat down in a chair, put his feet up on a nearby table, and began reading whatever book was nearby. Unfortunately, one of the prefect-haters known as Yu... Yancy, was sat nearby, and was not pleased with this display.

"Hey, you're a prefect, why are you breaking the rules like this?"

Kevin momentarily put down his book to reply, "This is a sarcastic parody of the idiots that actually DO break these rules! Bah!" Luckily for Kevin, Brad was nearby, and jumped in to defend him. “Kevin is merely emphasizing the point to these nimrods; the point that what THEY’RE doing is wrong! By parodying these simple-minded fools, he’s showing them how foolish they truly are!”

Unfortunately, Yancy was having none of this. “But surely if anything, you’re just encouraging this! After all, if YOU can break these rules, what’s to stop other people from breaking them too?”

All this noise was attracting attention from the other children. William Swordsman looked up from his homework, Whit Lee was getting alarmed, and even Peter Pon-tas, Oliver Master, and Theodore Bird were becoming intrigued with this shouting match. Brad was now saying, "If you don't like it here, just leave!"

"Alright, that's enough!" shouted the disgruntled voice of another student, annoyed by the fact that the argument's noise was drowning out the Kirby Dance on the Gameboy he'd snuck in. Sighing loudly as he walked, the student, Elliott, made his way towards the noise and politely asked what the hell was going on.

"He brought his bag into the library!"
"I was making a statement!"
"Your MOM was making a statement!"
"Your mom touches binmen!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" screamed Elliott, driven partly insane by the arguments. "Alright, I'll start with you Kevin. Why did you feel the need to bring your bag into the library?"

"Sometimes, the best way to make people feel stupid is to show them yourselves just how stupid they're being! I was delivering a parody of-"

"That's all fine and dandy," Elliott interrupted, "But are they really going to take it this way?"

"... What do you mean?"

Elliott pointed at a large, troll-like figure. "Hey you, troll! When you see this prefect with his bag in the library, does it make you feel like you're being made a mockery of? Do you feel deeply ashamed of your previous actions? Is it a scathing commentary on the state of students today?"

"Um... not really," the troll grunted in response. "If just makes me think that if he can do it, I can. Plus, if I ever get caught, I can just use him as an excuse. If he can do it if he's a prefect, why can't I?"

"See?" said Elliott to Kevin. "And as for you," he continued, turning to Yancy, who was smiling with glee, "You should know that prefects have a stressful job at the best of times. If you see one break the rules, it doesn't help to start an argument, because that makes them angrier. Just stay clear of them, and after a while they'll realise that they may have not acted to the best of their abilities. It doesn't do you any favours to have a prefect as your enemy."

With the matter seeming over, Elliott made the mistake of relaxing, thus opening him up to a whole new bombardment of questions.

"What can be done to stop prefects being so stressed?"

"I dunno, take a long bath, go on a picnic, blast some heads off on Resident Evil 4 until you feel happier, or you could even draw attention to the school noticeboard, which has a list of ALL prefects. Kevin's not the only one, you know! You could even hire some new prefects to help with the workload."

"Who would want to be a prefect?"

"I've previously stated that I wouldn't mind," piped up Simon Protagonist. "Plus, it wouldn't hurt if the prefects were given authority to actually ban students from the library, especially if they kept re-offending, or worse yet, kept advertising."

Just as Simon finished, a student stood up on a table and declared, "Sexy Teen Plus Pro Free Account Here Website!" Another stupid advertiser. Kevin took him out with a well-aimed Kevinarang before turning back to face Elliott.

"Well, I suppose your ideas could work..."

"Exactly... now if you don't mind, I desperately want to finish this Kirby game. Maybe I shouldn't stay in the library..."

Elliott turned on his heels and left, still hearing Kevin and Yancy curse at each other under their breath.

"Your mom still touches binmen."
"Your DAD touches binmen!"
"Your dad IS a binman!"
"... Your mum touches my dad?"

Yancy's eyes filled with tears. "Long lost brother?"

Kevin and Yancy were reunited at last...

However, as Elliott was walking away tiredly (He could perform a maximum of 2 good deeds per day) he saw another student sitting down, slumped against the lockers. Allowing himself to be distracted, he sat down next to the kid.

"Ulysses Ninja, right? I've seen you around before, what's up?"

Ulysses sighed. "My teacher... didn't like my project assignment."

"What was wrong with it?"

"She said I... may have copied some of it. It bore remarkable resemblance to a Wikipedia article of my subject."

Suddenly, Ulysses got very angry.

"I wrote the articles myself! It's not like I was copying anyone!"

"Easy tiger," calmed Elliott, "Look, try to see where your teacher's coming from. Millions of people could have written those articles, and all your teacher has to prove that it was written by you is your word. Plus, even if you did write those articles, that's no reason to copy and paste them for your project. Is there perhaps another reason why you did it?"

Ulysses Ninja stayed silent.

"I can picture the scene; You really wanted to make a splash, get known for your good work, and do a project that, in all seriousness, requires a major commitment and a lot of work. You didn't want to take the lazy way out and just make a project out of something easy, like a generic Top 10 or an interview of another student. God knows we haven't seen THEM before!

Maybe you started the project, but got criticism, and maybe you tried copying and pasting once, and nobody noticed, and you got praise. You knew that sooner or later, you'd have to depend on your own writing skills again."

Ulysses was still silent.

"Look, I take it you're passionate about what you were writing about. Why don't you just set out what you're going to write more? What's good about your subject? What's terrible? What's the best bit, what's the worst bit, the most annoying bit, the saddest bit, the most shocking bit?"

Elliott put his hand on Ulysses' shoulder. "We're all friends at the school of Screwattack. If you show us a bit of your work, we'll be happy to give praise where it's deserved and criticism where it's required. You told me part of your project was about a book or show or something named 'Kingdom Hearts', right?"

Ulysses nodded.

"Well, think of an in-depth thing you can write about it. What did you really enjoy? When did it make you laugh? What about it made you want to do a project on it? Can you do that?"

"... Yeah."

Elliott patted Ulysses on the back and stood up. "Well, nodody's stopping you. Go on, show us all how great your work can be."

Without waiting for a response, Elliott turned away again, not hearing the mumbled 'Thanks' from Ulysses. Partly because he felt his job was done, and partly because he really wanted to play his Kirby game. Either way, he had two free periods after lunch, so he was now free to catch the bus home and play more Tales of Symphonia.

Just another day of Screwattack school.

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Ideas for Lazy Bloggers 2: Gaming Implications

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:19:51 -0400

Sometimes when you're blogging, you don't want to go into depth about things that don't matter. You don't want to over-analyse things that don't make a difference to anything in the game. You don't want to spend hours writing about something that nobody even cares about that much, and only a tenth of the people who read it will understand it anyway. You don't want to spend your limited free time that could be spent relaxing, writing an essay about a miniscule gaming theory.

But sometimes you do...

It might be because it makes you look educated, it might be because it improves your writing, or it might just be because you find a particular thing in gaming fascinating and you want to share your enthusiasm with others, but there are times when you just want to write about... garbage.

I'll freely admit that this is the idea for lazy bloggers that will probably provide the least inspiration, because it's... dull. Still, it IS easy to think them up. I'm playing Tales of Symphonia, and I could easily come up with a few essays there.

1) How do the other characters represent the different sides and feelings of Lloyd, the protagonist?

2) How can the game's depiction of the Goddess Martel be interpretted as both pro or anti-religion?

3) Did whoever designed the game make it really long on purpose so that you feel like you suck when you've played it for 26 hours but you're still only on Disc 1... I'm back in Sylvarant now...

Apart from the last one, I think I could write a long blog about those, with detail and description. Still, I had to pick a topic for an example, so I went with one of the oldest speaking points about one of my favourite games.

Is the final battle of Earthbound one giant abortion?

It's official; Ness is pro-choice!

I should point out that I don't actually believe this theory; I just think it's really interesting. The game developers were asked about it, and they denied that Giygas is meant to resemble anything. I don't want to use the word 'speculation', because that usually means something is bad, but there's nothing wrong with just raising a few points of interest to explain why the Giygas-foetus theory has become well-known amongst Earthbound fans.

Well, I should start off by explaining that part of this strange theory comes straight from the mouth of Shigesato Itoi himself. He's basically... the man behind Earthbound, and his inspiration for the twisted villain is an equally twisted story.

When he was a child, Shigesato went into the wrong room in a movie theatre, and ended up seeing 'The Military Policeman and the Dismembered Beauty', in which one of the scenes includes a woman being brutally murdered whilst, which Shigesato later said felt like 'Direct attacks on his brain'. When he went home, he stayed quiet and worried his parents, and he used that as the inspiration for a lot about Giygas, from the distorted ball-shape which also looks a little like someone screaming, to the dialogue, including,

"It hurts, it hurts..."
"...I'm h... a... p... p... y..."
"Argh... Yaaagh!..."

Now, it's not just this that supports the Giygas-foetus argument. First off, you have to go back in time to fight him, because near the end of the game, you discover that Giygas is attacking your location from 10 years into the past. This completes what I like to call the 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban paradox', named after the book because there's a moment in it in which Harry saves the gang from dementors by travelling back in time and... saving himself from the gang of dementors. Yeah, it makes no sense. In a similar way, the world wouldn't have been destroyed by Giygas, because if it had, Ness wouldn't have been in the position to go back in time and attempt to stop him anyway.

Another weird thing to note is that you can't really say that Giygas is 'attacking' from the past, but rather remaining in place, waiting for Ness to turn up. It's almost as if he's not actually doing anyone any harm. One of the details in the theory focusses on the battle line, "You cannot grasp the true form of Giygas' attack!" saying that you can't comprehend it because he's just defending himself, but even I don't believe that one.

Speaking of being transported back in time, it's interesting to note that Ness and Paula, Jeff, and Poo cannot travel back in time themselves, but rather have to put their souls into robot bodies, which will survive being taken back 10 years in time. Whilst this was probably done purely because this was 1994 (95 in North America), so robots were cool, you could easily say it serves as one big metaphor for the group being a surgical implement.

You've probably spotted what they're walking on, and you're probably thinking, "What the hell is that?"

Well, while the Cave of the Past is nothing more than a very atmospheric final stretch of the game, with creepy music and annoyingly tough enemies, as expected, it also looks how you'd expect it to look. Grey, chunks of rock, it looks very "10 years in the past"-esque.

The final straight before Giygas though? Well, there are no enemies, the music is creepier, since it honestly sounds bit like an ultrasound (Well, it sounds like you'd expect an ultrasound to sound) and at the end, there's one giant cluster, which is Giygas. In the game, he's being held by the 'Devil's Machine,' which had a window on it that displays Ness' face, except with a blue hat, when Ness approaches. Some people think that this window bears a resemblance to something I can't mention here since there could be kids reading this, but it rhymes with 'serve fix'.

This is what it looks like in the actual game, but this is a vastly superior video I found on Youtube of an animated 'Giygas' Lair'. I honestly believe this is what it would look like if Earthbound was on the Gamecube/Wii.

Katie Dudley, you are extremely talented

Another point of interest is that when Giygas dies, he doesn't disappear or say "You defeated me!" Instead, he 'disintegrates'. I don't want to look too much into that because I'm eating some delicious ice-cream with cookie dough, and if I go into detail as to why Giygas' 'disintegrating' supports the foetus theory, it will probably destroy my appetite.

My final point is something that probably started this whole theory in the first place; The baby image in the Giygas boss battle. Whilst the image far above might not have made anything clear, let me just show you a closer look, in which I'm 99% sure you'll be able to spot the baby. If you have trouble, ignore the pink thing in the middle, you're looking at the black shape.

See it? If you still have trouble, look at the way the blackness curves on the left. That's his nose and mouth. See it now? If you still can't see it, pull a close family member in front of your computer and ask them if they can see it. If you still can't see it, just... give up, really.

And so, with 2 Youtube videos (Including the music near the beginning) and 4 pictures from Photobucket, that concludes why I can easily see why people would agree with the theory that the boss battle with Giygas is actually an abortion. The inconclusive point I thought about was because Giygas is pronounced 'Ghee-Gus', and that actually rhymes with 'Foetus' a little...

Anyway, I have a request for anyone reading this blog. Yes, you. Yeah, you. Really. You. Yooouuuuu!!!

You don't have to make a blog like this, but in the comments, try to think of at least one idea that could feasibly work. It's easier than it sounds; I could easily write another about how Pokey/Porky seems like the identity of a kid who would take a gun to school. If you disagree, bear in mind that one of the last things he says before his battle in Mother 3 is this, and it's truly chilling and insightful to his character.

"With my eternal life, I will see the world through to its end. Until everyone who won't like me is gone."

In unrelated news, Pokey also suffers by far the worst fate of any video game villain in the history of the world. Before you can beat him, he retreats into his 'Absolutely Safe Capsule,' which he doesn't realise can never be opened again. Ever. Plus, his years of time-travel have changed his life, so he doesn't die. Literally. In another interview with Shigesato Itoi, he said "If the world ended 5.5 billion years later, Porky would still be alive, but alone. Porky is truly a poem in himself."

So anyway, on that depressing note, thanks for reading! If, like me, you're an English student whose been trained to overanalyse things and look at every insignificant detail, then you might come across a few of these theories in games yourself. And if you do, don't be afraid to put it in a blog and post it.

Remember, I want to see some of the interesting ideas you guys can come up with about your favourite games. Does Navi represent Link's nagging self-doubt? Does Kefka represent the insanity in us all? Will Kratos ever come out of the closet?

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Famous Five: Mario Spin-Offs

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 16:30:32 -0400

It's been a while, bloggers, but I've eventually decided to revisit this old series of mine. Last time, we looked at the core games in the Mario series, the main games that stayed true to either 2D Sidescrolling or 3D Platforming. Today however, we look towards the spin-offs.

These choices were surprisingly harder to make, considering how wider the net could be cast over these games. After all, Mario Kart and Mario RPG games could easily fill a Famous Five themselves. Each. So narrowing down each and every Mario Spin-off to just five games and one honourable mention was a pretty hard task.

Still, I tackled the task at hand as best as I could, and hopefully none of my choices will be too controversial. Bear in mind how hard it is to condense the Mario series, especially when there are two standalone Mario RPG series (Paper Mario and Mario & Luigi) and my first choice doesn't even come from either of them!

The Perfect One

Super Mario RPG (SNES)

Dude, I just typed that...

Well, where do I start? The cheery musical themes that were on par with Chrono Trigger and Super Castlevania IV for sheer greatness? The simple but effective gameplay and controls? The battle system that rewarded quick reaction times with extra hits? The way you could choose which major aspect of your character was enhanced after a level-up? The graphics and animation that made Mario, Mallow, Geno, Bowser and Peach come to life?

Alright, the music. I'm not sure what I can say apart from 'It's awesome' but I'll try. It had no problem with the difference of areas in the game overall. There was happy music for towns and minor battles, as well as dark music for Bowser's Keep. Let's not forget the forest music while you're chasing Geno either, or the groovy theme of Booster's Tower.

The characters are interesting too. While Mallow is fairly useless, a lot of people were captivated by the puppet Geno, who has a larger cult following than most Mario games. It was nice to finally get Bowser on our side too, and I seem to recall a town where he comes across his old minions and there are some nice scenes...

This game also had a lot of secrets. Some were minor secrets, like finding a tune and then performing it on... tadpoles... to get a secret item. Others were pretty good, like walking onto an invisible path on a screen to get Mario's best weapon of the game, and others were...

...

The fact that Square snuck in a parody of a Final Fantasy boss into this game is pretty amazing. He even has the same battle tune as some bosses in Final Fantasy IV, and maintains the old-fashioned dignity of... being basically a sprite during battle, with no movement whatsoever. Nevertheless, definitely the oddest video game reference I've seen outside of 'I Wanna Be The Guy' fangames.

Actually, in Booster's Tower there's an even stranger reference, where Mario can walk behind a curtain, and come out as 8-bit Mario from 'Super Mario Bros', complete with sound effects, walking animations, and appropriate music. If you could only do this more than once in the entire game...

The Close Contender

Mario Kart Series (SNES, N64, GBA, DS, Gamecube, Wii)

Well, YOU try picking just one of them!

We all knew Mario Kart would be mentioned sooner or later, we just didn't know which game I would pick as the cream of the crop. Well, it's official; None of them.

Mario Kart is by far the most successful Mario Spin-Off series, and I'd say that honour is deserving. The tracks are fun and filled with Mario references, the characters each have their own ups and downs, and the items, whilst being a huge annoyance sometimes, do a good job of setting this apart from the average racer.

On the other hand do any of the games in the series deserve to be known as the very best? Well, let's examine the evidence!

Super Mario Kart: While this one could easily be called the best for reasons of both nostalgia and for starting the series in the first place, even the most diehard fan would have to concede that the tracks were not advanced enough to provide as much interest as the later games. Everything else was more than satisfactory, but in a racing game, the tracks mean a lot.

Mario Kart 64: See above. I really thought I'd be putting this as the best in the series, until I actually tried it. It's great on some accounts, like the graphics, which are good for their time, the items, which aren't as game-ruining as later additions, and the music, which is fun to listen to (Although the Rainbow Road track is a tad overrated.) My main reason for not picking this as the best is that the tracks are still a tad 'Meh...' and the characters are quite limited. It's also the game with the joint-lowest tracks, at a rather bad 16. What is the other game with this much? Well...

Mario Kart: Double Dash: As much as I've ranted about this game, it's not terrible. The music is great, albeit with 16 tracks, you'd expect a different tune for every one... The tracks are interesting, and although some are dull, the ones that are great are great enough to make up for the dullness of the dull ones. The problem? This is where items started to play a bigger role in deciding the outcome of the game, and although professional players can dodge red shells with ease, for the most of us, this game is one giant clusterf***.

Mario Kart Super Circuit: Did anyone really expect me to call this game the perfect one? No? Great, let's move on.

Mario Kart DS: It incorporated online play, and had an amazing number of tracks, but I'm afraid I can't call this the best Mario Kart game because it's basically the Wii version, but on a handheld. Besides, it doesn't improve upon the problems that Double Dash left behind.

Mario Kart Wii: While it is probably the ultimate console version, with past tracks, plenty of originals, new characters, new options, new music, new tricks, this version also brought new problems. The blue shell was as terrible as ever, and with the number of racers per race increased, there was even more chance of being hit with chain-chomps, homing eggs, and even more annoying projectiles. Oh, and rubber-banding is the AI's way of cheating. Stop it.

So, as you can see, despite every Mario Kart game being fun and enjoyable, I can't pick one to represent the lot, and thus the Mario Kart series as a whole makes it onto this list.

Don't worry, I'm not going to be cheap and put an entire series in one spot on this blog again...

Oh, wait...

The 'Hit or Miss' Game

Mario Sports Series (N64, Virtual Boy Gamecube, GBA, Wii)

Ok, so you keep your knees straight, your legs about a shoulder-width apart, don't forget to follow through on your swing and shout 'MAMA MIA!' when you get a good shot off...

These games fit rather snugly into the 'Hit or Miss' section. On the one hand, they've received critical acclaim from reviewers, and I've even seen games like Mario Tennis and Mario Golf on lists of people's favourite games of all time!

So how come I, and many other gamers, have no interest at all in playing them?

Well, for one thing, the gameplay is satisfactory. I call it satisfactory because I still think there are a few games out there you cannot improve on, and one of them is a small NES game I unlocked in Animal Crossing named, quite simply, 'Tennis'. If you EVER want to play a Tennis video game, this one's pretty good. The graphics aren't great, but it does what it promises. You move around your side of the court, line up a shot, and play tennis.
TENNIS.

So there is the argument that games like Mario Tennis are just regular tennis games with Mario characters on them, an accusation that is widely regarded as... true. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against 'Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour', but I would be hugely surprised if it sold just as well without the word 'Mario' in the title.

Besides, I tend to avoid playing these games because they're the ultimate form of laziness. You're putting on a game in which you make your character run around and play a sport (Or in golf's cause, walk around slowly and play a sport) when with quite little effort, you could probably find a place in which you yourself could run around and play the sport instead?

Don't get me wrong; I play Burnout because I like smashing cars and can't do so in the real world, and I play Batman Begins because I like singlehandedly ruining the plans of a criminal empire, which I can only do in real life on rare occasions, but sport?

In the Mario Sport series' defense, like I said, the graphics and gameplay are always satisfactory, and if enough people can enjoy the games, they must be doing SOMETHING right, although I am still annoyed at inexperienced newspapers who gave Mario Strikers: Charged a higher rating than games like Resident Evil 5.

... I apologise for the slight tangent.

The Underrated One

Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga (GBA)

MOUSTACHES HAS AN 'O' IN IT YOU DUMBASS AMERICAN!

This game is one of the greatest RPGs I've ever played. It doesn't just have a great puzzle system AND battle system. It doesn't just have great sound effects and graphics. It doesn't just have everything you'd expect in an RPG and more. It has... humour.

I know that, as someone who is still legally under the age of 18 for the next 6 or so days, I should be laughing at old people falling down flights of stairs, or every time Cartman swears, but I find my humour in either cynical, sarcastic and ironic ways, or just over the top exaggerration, although I've been known to appreciate a few puns now and again too.

Anyway, this game is an exaggerration. With quirky little animations of the characters, it's just constantly making you smile. Whether it's Peach kissing Mario, sending him into a lovesick daze, or when Luigi hits Mario with a hammer, making him half his normal size, or even during the small escort mission across the desert, when you find Peach after she's kidnapped, the way Mario and Luigi ignore her and give each other a tearful hug in celebration... You cannot resist this game.

It also includes Fawful, a sidekick villain who is a parody of broken 'Engrish' translation problems in older games, with his trademark cry, 'I HAVE FURY!'

Credit goes to Spooklord64 for this video, which shows everything I previously said, plus Luigi in a dress!

It's also one of the most reference-tastic games in existence, with nods back to Super Mario Bros 1, 3, World, 64, Paper Mario, and there's even a cameo by Professor E Gadd, and a Geno doll.

The Mario Bros have unique powers in this game. Mario can hold water in his mouth, be shrunk to half his size, learn to summon fire later in the game, and do a hover-jump over gaps when standing on Luigi. Luigi can be hit underground, or turned into a surfboard with the hammer (!?!) and also learns to summon lightning later in the game, and does a super jump when standing on Mario. Between these abilities, and a few more, the designers managed to make the game both new and innovative, but without making the game overly complicated.

Overall, this game is one of the best RPGs on the GBA. If you're a Mario fan or an RPG fan who still has a GBA/DS/Gameboy Player, you might want to give this game a try.

The One to Avoid

Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii)

How does a tubby plumber keep up with a supersonic hedgehog?

In all honesty, I'd probably have put one of the Mario Party games here, if I wasn't lucky enough to have never played them. We all know worse Mario games than this one, but they're either too obvious for this choice, such as the Virtual Boy Mario games, or they're not even technically Mario games, like Hotel Mario.

'Mario and Sonic' is not a particularly terrible idea for a game, but it boils down to shaking the WiiMote like a madman until you end up pulling a muscle. Let me put it this way; In 'Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat' at the end of most levels, there's a minigame in which you have to hit the DK Bongos as fast as you can in order to make Donkey Kong grab more bananas and get a higher score. Now, replace the DK Bongos with the WiiMote and Nunchuk, and replace 'minigame' with 'game'.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's the worst idea in the world, and I may even go as far as to say that it could be enjoyable for a few hours, but I can't see myself wanting to go back and play this again. To quote a friend of mine a day after playing this game, "My f***ing arms hurt like hell!"

The concept is similar to that of the Mario Sports series, and as such, my response is similar to my response to the Mario Sports series. Personally, I don't really care for it.

The Honourable Mention

Mario VS Donkey Kong (GBA)

I've run out of Mario captions!

It was tough deciding which Mario game that I'd left out so far would be brought back for the honourable mention, what with the Paper Mario series, Dr Mario, and even Mario Picross looking like it could have earned some discussion. Still, my vote would have to go for Mario VS Donkey Kong.

The story is simple, with Donkey Kong wanting to get a mini-Mario toy, but unfortunately, they're sold out, so he robs a store of them, making Mario chase after him to get them back. It has some high-quality cutscenes, mainly made up of images of Mario chasing Donkey Kong, although the images themselves are easily N64 quality. Seeing as story isn't a strong point in the game, I won't feel guilty for ruining the ending for you, since it's both one of the best AND worst endings you'll ever see in your life.

This video belongs to AlexGalaxy13

That's right, after Mario goes through all 6 worlds, and then all 6 extra worlds, you finally get the last toys off of Donkey Kong, and then... Mario feels sorry for Donkey Kong and gives him a toy to stop him from crying.

...

Is that not one of the greatest, but simultaneously silliest game endings of all time?

Anyway, the gameplay itself is a blast. Mario can backflip, handstand, somersault, and... carry stuff. The aim of each level is to use the switches around you to clear the way so that you can get a key to a locked door and advance to the second part of each level, in which you have to rescue a mini-Mario. You'll also be tasked with finding the 3 presents in these two levels, and you can try to finish within a good time to beat the preset high scores.

There are twists in each world that add new challenge to this feat, like ghosts that can turn into blocks, birds that fly across the screen dropping eggs, and more. It also helps that every seventh level, you lead the six mini-Marios you previously rescued to a toy box, where you can store them safely, and they become your health for the next level, which is always a boss fight with Donkey Kong.

In the extra world, each level is only one part, and all you have to do is find the mini-Mario, who has the key to the door, and get him to the door. You can still collect the 3 presents and try to beat the high scores, and I seem to remember 12 bonus levels that become available when you're scores are good enough. Overall, a very fun game, and a very fun Mario Spin-Off.

Well, that's all 6 Mario games for this blog. Next time, I'll be looking at Mario's oldest rival, Donkey Kong himself, and his very best work to date. Until then...

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Ideas for Lazy Bloggers 1: A Non-ScrewAttack Top 10

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:40:32 -0400

Howdy g1s, and welcome to a new mini-series. My Famous Five Donkey Kong games are still on their way, and I'm still interviewing DJGrandpa for Room 101 soon, but I've had several small ideas. You know, ideas that would be good for a blog or two, but then I'd just lose enthusiasm.

I figured I might as well put these ideas to good use by suggesting them to other bloggers in this series. Don't get me wrong; I'm loving the blogs on this site, especially all those random interviews (IT'S FUNNY CAUSE HE ASKED A QUESTION THAT I WOULD NOT NORMALLY EXPECT IN AN INTERVIEW SETTING! HAHAHAHAHA!) but I know there must be other g1s out there wondering what they can do to be original and interesting... and if they have no problem taking my advice, they could use some of these ideas I've had!

So for each of these little ideas I've had, I'll do one blog as an example for each of them. So, by the name of this blog, you can probably tell that my first idea is a Non-ScrewAttack Top 10, and some of you may even wonder what the heck I'm talking about. Well, I'll explain.

Idea 1

The Non-ScrewAttack Top 10 consists taking a Top 10 that ScrewAttack have done, and doing it yourself, but using NO choices that they have used. Whilst this sounds easy at first, it's pretty hard to carry out, and usually gains interesting results. I won't set any specific rules, but I would advise that if you carry out a Non-ScrewAttack Top 10 Genesis games or something, you don't use games in the same franchise. Otherwise, they could get a tad predictable.

So, for my example today, I went for one of ScrewAttack's more famous Top 10s, one for which I'd have absolutely no difficulty in coming up with different choices. So, ladies and gentlemen, I present you, a Non ScrewAttack Top 10 NES Games!

Apologies to River City Ransom, Battletoads, and Adventure Island. If this was a Top 13, you'd be here too. Also apologies to the Dragon Quest series, and Mother, otherwise known on the internet as Earthbound Zero.

10) Adventures of Lolo

Even though there were 3 games in this series, the original is the most well-known, and for good reason. It has an infectious musical beat, despite looping over and over, and each level provides you with a decent challenge.

Each level requires skills, strategy, timing, and sometimes a pinch of luck as well. I've often confused people by saying that Tetris isn't a puzzle game, because it's just... falling blocks of a different shape. This on the other hand, is a genuine puzzle game in which you really need to use your head to get through.

There are quite a few different enemies too. The weird glowing skulls, the medusa heads, the lizards that just... stand there. The armadillo that follows you. Plus the weird pink thing with giant teeth. That thing creeped me out when I saw it, and I have to admit that I jumped a little when it shot a sword at me across the room.

This game is in the same family as Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle when it comes to passwords that are insanely awesome. Not only is each password only 4 characters, but if you lose all your lives, then select 'Continue' at the main menu, you don't even need to type it in! It just remembers where you were! How very neato!

9) Kung Fu

Before there was Ryu Hayabusa, there was... Thomas. A simple ninja tasked with saving his girlfriend Sylvia from the evil Mr X. If old Sonic the Hedgehog games had never been made, this would be gaming with practically no story at its very best.

For an NES game, there are a lot of controls. You can punch/kick while jumping, standing, or crouching, and each gets you different amounts of points. Since the kick goes longer distances than the punch, you get less points for it, but usually in games like these, you don't really care about the points.

Most of the enemies in the game are quite similar; Stupid bad guys who rush at you, only to fall off the screen after being hit once. Still, as the game goes on, you meet more annoying people. Some have knives, some are midgets, and some of the are... circus jumping midgets... Probably some of the funnest video game enemies in the world. (In advance, to reply any grammar nazis who are going to tell me that 'funnest' isn't a real word; F*** off. Everyone knows what I mean anyway.)

Even though this game was only five levels long, it still felt like a good game. The graphics were satisfactory, the music was satisfactory... and let's face it; That 'BOING!' noise that gets made when Thomas is defeated is one of the greatest video game noises in the world. Complete and utter awesomeness.

Duck Hunt

I'll admit that, having played an IWBTG hack named 'I Wanna Be The Ultimatum' which was equal to IWBTG in every way, and on some occasions better, I have a slight grudge against this game for one of the harder moments, in which the foreground of the screen is taken up by the grunt from DOOM Space Marine who regularly shoots at you, and you have to guide his shots onto the ducks without dying yourself.

Still, the original Duck Hunt was a pretty fun game. Line up the gun, take precise aim, and shoot. It's kinda like an FPS game for the Wii, except 20+ years earlier, and with an actual gun. I was surprised this game didn't get lampooned by Animal Rights groups. I wouldn't have supported the complaints, but I'm surprised nevertheless.

Anyway, the game is quite addictive. It's one of the few games that makes it worth it to actually track down an NES and buy it rather than just using the easier option of emulators. I'm a peace-loving hippy at heart, but firing that plastic gun and getting a direct hit feels pretty good.

Plus, although the Duck Hunt dog is annoying, at least when he picks up the duck, you see the duck's eyes, and it looks disillusioned in a 'Great... Here I go again!' sort of way. Not in a 'You just shot me, and now I'm dead!' sort of way. If the fictional ducks in this game actually died rather than just falling down, it would be tougher for me to play.

7) Balloon Fight

An original idea for a game, Balloon Fight was downright fun. Floating around with balloons, crashing into other people and making them fall into the water at the bottom of the screen... this is just... fun.

The music is great, even by NES standard. Note that when I say 'NES Standard', I don't mean 'It was good, considering it was on the NES...', I mean 'It was a noticeably good piece of music on the NES, and considering how many others there are, that MUST be pretty good.'

There are fun multiplayer and single-player options, since you can play through the main game with one or two players. There's also a fun single-player journey in which you use your balloon to hover through floating mines, whilst trying to pop hovering balloons. I have to admit, I found out about 'Balloon Fight' through its minigame in WarioWare, so when I first played the 'Balloon Trip' bit on the actual game itself, I had no idea you could move left and right.

Still, despite my complete and utter idiocy, this game is still amazing. It's multiplayer is a blast, even if it is possible to reach whole new levels of pissing people off by 'accidentally' bursting their balloons. This game also introduced one of the weirdest deaths in video game history... being swallowed by a giant fish. How very normal.

6) Double Dragon

Yep, we've now crossed the landmark of 'Games that were good but would have never been on ScrewAttack's list' and gone straight into the 'Games that could plausibly have been on ScrewAttack's list' section. Brace yourself for a large dose of pwnage.

Double Dragon was one of the first 'beat-em-up' games, and it showed what the genre could really do. Outstanding music, responsive controls and graphics that, whilst not as good as Double Dragon 2, were still very enjoyable. You could attack with punches and kicks, and the control scheme actually WAS a tad better than Double Dragon 2, in which the A and B buttons didn't alternate your attack, but just which direction you were attacking.

The enemies were pretty simple, although they had a variety of weapons, like whips and bats. The bosses were tough, especially since this was an early game, so there weren't any sneaky sure-fire strategies; just hit and hope. Except that memorable fight with Abobo (I still don't know if that's the correct spelling) on a conveyor belt, in which he can hilarious fall to his death once you knock him down.

Even though I already mentioned the music, it deserves another reference. It was flat out brilliant, from the gloomy cave themes to the exciting title screen and first level. The ending theme wasn't a bad conclusion either. Billy and Jimmy Lee for the win... even if their name do make them sound a little bit like rednecks.

5) Bubble Bobble

Is there any entry on this list that DOESN'T have amazing music? Well, actually yeah, Duck Hunt didn't have that great a soundtrack, but... my point remains! I'm running out of different ways to say, "The music in this game is awesome!"

It's also strange how many original ideas the NES had. Here's one of the most treasured NES games, and nobody questions the fact that you play as a cute little dinosaur who shoots bubbles out of his mouth, which somehow trap the enemies, which you then jump into to kill, and then they turn into fruit...

Anyway, this game, like all others in this list, is in my opinion, awesome. The password system consisted of just 5 letters to remember, and whoever thought NES games were over quickly obviously never finished this one. This game is a LOT funner with a friend in multiplayer, since you can cover both sides of the battlefield in bubbles.

It's games like this that make me wish real life was more like video games sometimes... why can't we fight our battles with bubbles? They might not be over as quickly, but they'd sure as hell be funner.

4) Ducktales

I'm going to mention the Moon theme now, just so that I don't have to later; It's really, really good. One of the greatest video games themes ever. Really. Ok, now onto the rest of the game...

The gameplay is fun, since you're given a character with original powers. Scrooge McDuck can whack things with a cane, and... use a pogo-stick or something. Commander Keen, anyone? Still, as awesome as Commander Keen was, it's not on the NES, so back to Ducktales. You're basically running around, exploring and collecting points, eventually finding the correct way to go so that you can fight a boss.

The controls are smooth and the animations are simple. Although the Moon Theme is best known, the other music in this game is entertaining too. My favourite has to be the theme from Transylvania.

Anyway, this game was a pretty fine 2D platformer, with everything you'd need from a fun game. I feel like I should mention that there was also a criminally underrated sequel on the NES that nobody ever mentions any more. Still, as much as it deserves a mention, I still feel that the original was the best.

3) Mike Tyson's Punch Out

Wowsers! Now we're out of the 'Games that could plausibly have been on ScrewAttack's list' section and gone headlong into the 'Games that you were surprised weren't on ScrewAttack's Top 10'. This is getting pretty damn epic.

Mike Tyson's Punch Out is best-known for having an impossibly hard final boss, Iron Mike himself, who will beat you down with one-hit knockouts so fast, you'll barely have time to strap your gloves on. But, taking into account the rest of the game, you'll see why it's still so fondly remembered.

First off, the music went well with the fight. It wasn't amazing, but the title screen was a good tune, as was the scene in between cups. You also can't deny that this game has one of the best victory jingles after each non-'Title Bout' match. Those 6 seconds are an orgasm of NES sounds.

The characters are memorable; Glass Joe, King Hippo, Bald Bull... even Mr Sandman took time off from having songs written about him by Metallica to appear in this game. It's also worth noting that each character has a body double in this game, Glass Joe's being Don Flamenco, Soda Popinski's being Super Macho Man... the only exception is King Hippo. Still, the real question that arises from this is that somewhere in the real world, the android known as Mike Tyson must have been inspired by a guy named Piston Honda, who is HIS exact double from the game...

We need to track down Piston Honda, and stop him. But first, the next entry on the list.

2) Castlevania

If you haven't watched ScrewAttack's countdown lately, you're probably thinking, "Wait a minute... they DIDN'T put this on the list?" Well, I kind of agree with you. This is the game that launched the Castlevania series, which despite not being the best series in the world, is famous and respected amongst the world of gaming.

You play as Simon Belmont, who whips his way through various levels against skeletons, bats, monkeys, bats, medusa heads, and a few more bats. As is the case with so many games on this list, the music is legendary. Even though my personal favourite Castlevania tune is 'Bloody Tears' from Castlevania 2, the very first level of Castlevania has an undeniably great rhythm to it.

The secondary weapons are pretty handy too. You can pick from knives, holy water, boomerangs, axes, and even the almighty stopwatch. Although the stopwatch seems like the obvious choice, it's unlikely you'll ever beat 'Death', the penultimate boss, without resorting to the holy water.

The levels are fun, the music is great, and the challenge is still present, yet possible. Seeing as when you 'Game Over' you just start the level again, I was able to beat Dracula without any form of cheating. Although, once again, I did use the holy water trick on his second form. Still, a great game.

1) ...

Kirby's Adventure!

Probably my favourite NES game of all, Kirby's Adventure was everything you could want in an NES game, no, everything you could want in a game. The music was (Can you possibly guess?) awesome, the gameplay was timeless, the graphics were colourful, and the character was cute.

Plus, it has the greatest victory jingle in the world. Seriously. Everybody, do the Kirby dance!

Anyway, this game is probably the best 'Second game in the series game' ever. Kirby's Dream Land was fun and all, but Adventure was where things really kicked off. Suddenly, Kirby couldn't just suck up his enemies and swallow them, but he could steal THEIR SOUL! Well, their power at least.

Suddenly, rather than just swallowing enemies, Kirby was firing beams, lasers, cutters, and killing enemies in a variety of other ways. Nothing says 'Power' like turning into a rock and falling on an enemy's head. Or beating them to death with an umbrella. Or even breathing fire, or turning them to ice, or any other power in the game.

The game was also very large for an NES game. If I remember correctly, there were 7 different worlds, each with their own levels, minigames, and bosses. The penultimate level before the boss fight with Dedede actually makes the screen go black and white (Except for Kirby, who stays pink) and starts playing the Green Greens theme from Kirby's Dream Land. That's right, the penultimate level is a huge reference to the levels of Kirby's Dream Land, including a wide selection of the music in it.

Be warned though, if you weren't careful with the multiple powers, you could end up doing THIS:

Thanks to PekoponTAS for this, the best Kirby video in the history of the world

Anyway, apart from being unique and amusing, the different powers in this game also gave it great replay value. Try beating King Dedede with the wheel ability! Try using the sleep ability as many times as you can in a boss fight without getting killed! Try to beat Meta Knight in under 20 seconds!

So this concludes my Top Ten, and my first entry in this small mini-series. Remember, whilst this was probably the easiest choice out of a Non-ScrewAttack Top 10, that means it would be more intriguing if you picked something difficult. Go on, make a new Top 10 Mario games without any of the games ScrewAttack used, I dare ya!

Anyway, I think I'll let Kirby's Adventure end this blog, so thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Top Ten Books!

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:16:43 -0400

Being a writer myself, I love reading. Being an online writer myself, I get lots of things to read, most of them being unique and interesting. And, being a moderately successful online writer myself, you can be sure there are some large influences behind me. Whether it's the attempt to take a different view on a conflict, portraying your point through the eyes of another, or using fiction to portray your message, reading and writing have a very close relationship.

For the record, although I acknowledge that I sound like a snobby philosophy student, I should point out that I don't hesitate to criticise well-known books that I don't like. Shakespeare? Quite dull, long passages of text in which nothing interesting happens. Pride and Prejudice? Probably the most boring thing I've ever read in my life. Twilight? ... Well, I actually never read Twilight, since I'm sensible enough to realise that the book wasn't aimed at people like me, and I'm not one of those idiots who spends money on something they know they won't like just to complain about it!

Still, there are a lot of books I've read over the years. Some quick honourable mentions to begin with; Fantastic Mr Fox was my favourite book as a young child, followed by 'Hollow Tree House', an innocent book by Enid Blyton. 'Innocent' meaning it used words like 'queer' and 'gay' without being offensive. George Orwell's 'Animal Farm' was a great idea for a book, and one of my favourite books on this list hails quite strongly from a similar idea. Also, F Scott Fitzgerald's short story, 'Three Hours Between Planes' was great, although it was a very short story. So short in fact, that you can read it here!

If I had to pick just one honourable mention, Oscar Wilde's novel 'The Picture of Dorian Grey' has just been made into a mediocre movie, which is unfortunately not as good as the book. It features a young man who feels jealous of a painting of himself, since he will age and the painting won't, so he swaps. The painting will become old, he'll remain youthful. However, the painting becomes old a twisted with every bad thing he does, and in the end... read it for yourself.

But for now, let's dive right in. Onwards to the literature!

10) A Streetcar Named Desire

I know that this is technically a play and not a book, but it has a cover and some pages in between. That's close enough for me. No, that does not mean you'll be seeing the Beano on this list. Yes, I did used to read the Beano. Roger the Dodger was my favourite.

Anyway, onto the book at hand... Well, I had to read it in College, and I was intrigued quickly. When we were doing class readings, I played the part of Stanley, which is pretty amusing since Stanley is an oafish but strong testosterone-filled animal. Not to toot my own horn, but that's about as far away from me as you can get. They might as well have made his first line, "Man, I hate Gamecubes!"

The story itself is entertaining. Blanche Dubois is the main character, herself and her sister coming from a rich family. Blanche is in town, 'visiting' her sister, and Blanche is shocked to see her with someone like Stanley. However, as the play progresses, Blanche offends Stanley, and he holds a grudge by digging up old dirt on her. It turns out she might not just be visitting because she has spare time, and it turns out her sister, Stella, may not be the only one not living up to the 'rich girl' lifestyle.

I don't really want to say any more in case somebody reads this blog and, heaven forbid, wants to investigate some of these books. All I'll say is, Blanche reminds me very strongly of a typical fairy tale princess, even like Peach or Zelda on occasion. The difference being, no hero is on their way to save her.

9) A Clockwork Orange

It was never a question of IF this was going to be on the list; If you've read many of my blogs, you'd just KNOW that this would be on here, and some of you will probably be surprised to see it so low, especially since I talk about it so much.

I'll admit that I saw the movie before I read the book, and I actually only finished the book today, when I free period after my Statistics class. Other kids go to the common room to chat. Some kids sign out to go into the nearby town and buy stuff. I go to the library, and I even bring my own books most of the time... living on the edge, baby!

Anyway, I was glad to find out when reading this that it wasn't like MOST books you read after watching the movie. There aren't long periods of thinking, "This is so boring, why can't it just get straight to the next interesting part already, like it did in the movie?" Instead, the book is fairly short, for a classic, weighing in at around 140 pages.

The book follows Alex, a 15 year old boy who knows all the cool ways of having fun with his gang; rape, theft, ultraviolence, he does it all! However, when his gang start to argue about his leadership, and he accidentally murders a woman after breaking into her house, he's arrested and given the 'Ludivico Treatment', shockingly similar to a real-life treatment we learnt in Psychology known as Aversion Therapy.

Anyway, he's injected with something which makes him feel very nauseous, and at the same time, he's forced to watch the very acts of ultraviolence and rape that landed him there in the first place. After two weeks, his body has responded so strongly that the thought of anything you wouldn't expect from a 4 year old instantly makes Alex feel like vomitting.

After this, he's let out back into the real world, and there's a strange paradox since now that he's harmless, all sorts of crap happens to him. Overall, the book does have a happy ending- sort of. The reason it's so low on the list is mainly because it's harder to get into. Anthony Burgess made up some slang words to make the era seem more realistic, and this makes it hard to read sometimes.

Stupid White Men (How can you not love that title!?!?)

Is there really anything I can say about this without accidentally starting a political flame war? No? Well, I tried...

Rather than focussing on the content of the book, there are several reasons why they're so successful, so I can try to highlight them. First off, Moore's delivery is pretty amazing. Other political figures sound like the kind of guy you might see giving a lecture as you walk past a university hall. Mr Moore is the kind of guy you'd see in the street, and if you had a question for him, he'd say, "Sure! Fancy a quick question time over a Big Mac?"

He also has the ability to research and cite his sources without problems, and the uncanny talent to use extreme real-life situations in order to make a point. For example...

In his little rant about how the education system is having to 'Sell out' to advertising in order to make a profit, he could highlight the way exam boards let products into their exam papers. I still remember finding it suspicious when in my Science GCSE there was a question concerning how healthy the levels of iron in 'Special K' are. They even had a footnote thanking Kellogg's for allowing them to reference their amazing product.

Now, whilst Michael COULD have done that, he could just as easily do some research, and discover the amazing story of Mike Cameron, a student who was suspended from Greenbrier High School in Evans, Georgia, for ruining their 'Team Up with Coca-Cola!' contest by waiting until the students were meant to line up in red and white to spell 'Coke' and then removing his shirt to reveal... THE PEPSI LOGO!!!

That has to be the greatest news story I've ever heard in my life. It's even better than that 'Man Arrested for Molesting Horse' story I found a while ago (What made it funnier is that it was a specific horse which he was caught having sex with six months earlier...)

I'm not going to pretend that Michael Moore isn't biased, and I'm not going to support every statement he makes. But I am going to be honest and say that while many things about him are debatable, he writes damn entertaining stuff.

7) Paul Jennings Series

This is a tie, between a series of books I loved reading when I was younger, and they're still fun to read today. Paul Jennings is a great author for younger audiences, and if you ever see a book by him that starts with 'Un-' then be sure to check it out. Uncanny, Unmentionable, Unreal, Uncovered, Unbelievable...

These books are all collections of his zany short stories, each one being able to very quickly establish the plot and the characters. Usually, there's a unique twist, and there's also two main things in the story, which both work together to resolve in the final few pages. For example, in one story, two kids want to win one of those 'flying man' contests in which people jump off piers and comedically fall in the water. However, a bully steals their hang-glider. Then, they find a magic hat which, whenever it opens its eyes, instantly makes the wearer of the hat copy whatever it's just seen.

Sounds crazy, but it works, and at the end of every story, the two problems come together and sort themselves out. What makes the books more accessible to children is that most of the main characters in these short stories are children themselves. It's a cliché, but it works.

6) The Tulip Touch

This is another one of those books I had to study in school and ended up liking. I've read a few other books by Anne Fine, but none of them were this dark. This is a fairly exciting story about a young girl who makes a dangerous friend named Tulip.

The main story in the book is Tulip's descent into, well... evil. Abused at home by her father, Tulip has a very scarred upbringing. What makes this even more interesting is that these events aren't seen, just strongly implied and occasionally referenced. The story itself all comes from Natalie's point of view, a young-ish girl who moves into the area and befriends Tulip.

The book gets more entertaining when Tulip really starts to take a turn for the worse. When she's a similar age to Natalie, she enjoys a role in the school play, she LOVES Christmas around Natalie's house (Natalie's father makes a living out of owning hotels, which they occupy partly themselves) and she's a typical girl. As she gets older, she becomes a tad more twisted, tells constant lies, and seems more dark and sadistic.

It's interesting to see Natalie's point of view, since without a friend, Tulip would be even worse, and she has to decide whether to stay friends with this darkened teenager, or whether she should get the hell out while she still can. There is a not-so-subtle message in the book, that there should be more options to help a child who suffers through the things Tulip does, but it's also gripping to see what Natalie goes through as she tries to get people to help Tulip, without being dragged down with her too.

5) To Kill A Mockingbird

Finally, it's been a while on this countdown since I picked a book that EVERYONE would have likely heard of, but now we're getting into big territory; the place for the legendary books and novels.

Quite frankly, To Kill A Mockingbird is one of the most innocent, yet scathing accounts of racism to be published. Innocent because the book is narrated by Scout, a young girl in a 1930s town who at first, talks only about starting school and making friends. However, a few of the kids talk about Scout's dad, Atticus, one of the most famous characters in literature to date.

It's scathing because through the simplistic eyes of a child, it shows just how strange prejudice can be. Here we have a young girl, yet even she can see that treating other people differently because of race is wrong, something that cannot be grasped by many adults in the book, and sadly cannot be grasped by a couple of people still today.

This was a very awkward book to read in class, seeing as our teacher still made us read it out loud in turns, to make sure we weren't just staring at the pages and thinking of other things. It was awkward to read just because every time I had to read a section, there was a long pause every time the N word came up. My teacher told me it was ok to say it, but I'd always just wait and skip it. I've never been comfortable saying that word, and after seeing people who use it frequently, I don't think that's a bad thing about me.

Back onto the book, it highlights Atticus agreeing to defend a black man in court brought up against the charges of a white man, something which, at the time, would be impossible to win. Even though Atticus proves beyond doubt that the innocent Tom Robinson could not have possibly carried out the crime, the jury are more concerned about the colour of his skin.

Overall, it's a very good book with a wide range of memorable characters. Jem, Dill, Boo Radley... You could easily write essays about each, which is lucky for me, since I had to.

4) Enid Blyton's 'The Mystery Of-' Series

This is the last time I'm putting an entire series into one space, but if any series deserves it, it's this one, and I sure can't pick a favourite out of this lot. If I remember correctly, there were 15 books in this series, all including the Five Find-Outers, and dog.

These small detectives are the local children, known as Larry, Daisy, Pip (Short for Philip), Bets (Short for Elizabeth), and Fatty, the ringleader of the group, who just so happens to be... I wouldn't say fat, but... lovably chubby. It doesn't help that his full name is Frederick Algernon Trotteville. You don't need to study English to tell me what THOSE initials spell.

Anyway, along with a few other characters, like Fatty's dog Buster, the village policeman Mr Goon (The character who gave me the phrase of saying 'Gah!' whenever I was annoyed) and Ern, Goon's nephew who appears in one or two books, a mystery would arise and be solved, always by the kids. Children's books at their best.

Surprisingly, most of the mysteries still hold up against an adult audience. When I first got an eBay account, I discovered someone selling 8 of these books for about £2.99. The packaging was a fiver or so, but I couldn't have cared less, and soon found the others online too. Whilst some of the riddles are fairly obvious, and some of them are never even MEANT to be mysteries, I guarantee you that if you read all these books, at least 50% of the time you would be surprised at the endings.

Of course, since it's a kid's book they always have to wrap up everything neatly at the end, but that's only what can be expected. I seem to remember one mystery being surprisingly sexist at the end, in which Fatty realises that an old gypsy woman is a man in disguise because (amongst other reasons) she punched him earlier, and he reckons a woman couldn't have punched him as hard.

Before people get mad, may I remind you that Enid Blyton is a woman? That's the last thing about these books, they were written in a more innocent time. Hoorah!

3) Weirdo's War

Well well well, the last non-serious book I have on the list, and I consider this the cream of the crop when it comes to teenager's books. Kids can read it too, but there are definitely moments to make it entertaining for anyone.

The 'Weirdo' in the book is Daniel, a teenage nerd whose fine and dandy being left alone. Give him a notebook, and he'll gladly spend hours drawing, listing things, making calculations of anything... He'll do it, and he'll enjoy it. Strange, but that's how he is. Enter the secondary character, Tozer, otherwise known as Tosh. A typical 'Brawns over Brain' guy, he's gone to the same few schools as Daniel, but they seem to ignore each other well.

The story is told in a series of long flashbacks. At the beginning of the book, Weirdo and Tosh are stuck underground in a cave after a scavenger hunt gone wrong, and the main storyline is told throughout the flashbacks. It starts with the first meeting of Daniel and Tozer, the events that led them to the same school, the events that led them both to be on the same school camping trip, and the events that led them to being stuck underground with a 'mystery guest'.

What makes this book different is that although there are those typical realisations at the end of the book, ("My intelligence came in handy!" "And my brute strength could lend a helping hand!") I would not say that the story had a happy ending. Don't get me wrong, nobody dies or anything, but it's summed up by one of the strangest and surprisingly intelligent comments by Tozer as he talks to Daniel at the end.

"Reckon brains are a bit like that Spuds game (Their version of Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Mo) What you start with determines what you end up with, eh?"

2) 1984

Yep, George Orwell's 1984. A book I was introduced to last year when I had to compare it to Thomas More's 'Utopia'. Still, while Utopia was pretty boring, albeit thought-provoking, 1984 is an amazing book from start to finish.

The book follows the main character, Winston, who works in a world that is socially post-apocalyptic. A government named 'Big Brother' is in charge of everyone, and constantly monitoring everything you do. If you think of rebelling, they WILL move to stop you. You cannot stop the thoughtpolice.

Winston's job itself is to recover old documents and change them, literally altering the past. An old newspaper might say that Big Brother predicted a rise in unemployment, and if unemployment had fallen, Winston would simply change the past. For example, once in the book, it's revealed that the chocolate ration will be reduced from 30 grams a week to 20. Later in the week, when Winston observes yet another parade held in honour of Big Brother, it mentions that the parade is for, amongst other things, the fact that Big Brother recently raised the chocolate ration to 20 grams.

If that's not enough to persuade you what the government is like, they set up a 'Hate Week' in which everyone hates to the fullest, and halfway though their speech against the evils of Eurasia (Only 3 big places still exist on Earth, Winston's being Oceania and the other being Eastasia) when suddenly a message is brought in and the speaker suddenly changes the speeches enemies to Eastasia.

And everyone instantly believes it. Everyone instantly forms memories. Oceania had ALWAYS been at war with Eastasia.

Anyway, this book is one of those books that you are almost guaranteed to enjoy. It'll definitely get you thinking, at the very least. Winston's attempts to fight against the party, with a new female friend named Julia, may not be successful, and he may end up in the Ministry of Love (Ironically named, as it's a massive prison) but it's what goes on inside that's really intriguing. It's also where the phrase 'Room 101' comes from, so I'm grateful to it for that.

In all honesty, this would be number 1 if it were not for a relatively dull bit about halfway through when Winston is reading a book for a few pages. This book only finds itself at number 2 because it has that one, slight imperfection, whereas my number 1 choice just completely shattered all expectations.

1) ...

Maus

If you are going to buy any book on this list, make it this one. Please. I beg you.

The only graphic novel in comic-style enters the list at the number one spot, and it deserves so much credit for everything it did right, I honestly don't know where to start.

Alright, let's jump straight in. Maus, which I believe is probably the German for 'Mouse' is a tale written by Art Spiegelman about his father, and his father's journey, as a Polish Jew, through World War 2. This deserves even MORE credit since it tackled an issue that's already been talked about to the death, and still made it gripping and intriguing throughout every page.

In the book, the Jews are portrayed as mice, while the German Nazis are cats. The Poles are pigs, the Americans are dogs (Although they're rarely seen) and in one piece of out-of-place humour, one of his father's French friends in the camps is shown as a frog. In case you're wondering how exactly this plays out, here's a short extract showing the introduction of the 'Mice' to a labour camp.

The book includes the entire journey of Art's father, through meeting his wife as a young man, to the rise of Nazi power, and then his journey through several camps. Many of his friends die, which makes the choice for mice even more appropriate; For some of the scenes in this book, if they were human, I would be too physically nauseated and disgusted to continue reading, and that's not a bad thing. This book is brutally honest.

Part of the twist of this book is that it's a first-hand account, rather than a bunch of statistics in a textbook. This is what Anne Frank's diary could have been like if Anne had actually survived in a labour camp. The cruelty, the inhumane actions, the quick thinking of Vladek (Art's father) which helped him survive the torture and trials...

The other twist is that the comic don't just cover the story of Art's father in WW2, but also the conflicts between Art and his father once his father has grown old. In the book/comic, Vladek isn't just randomly talking, he's recounting the tale to his son because his son thinks it would make a good idea for a book. There's even a heated scene when Vladek tells his son he burnt all his wife's old diaries because they reminded him of the war, and Art lets out a large cry of anger. There were definitely some unresolved issues between the two, especially since Vladek himself actually reveals a prejudiced side when Art's wife stops the car on their way back from the grocery store to pick up a coloured hitchhiker.

This is a book that needs to be seen to be truly understood, and as long as I can find it in my heart to keep encouraging people to play Sphinx and the Cursed Mummy and XIII, I'll always have enough energy to tell people that this is the one book on this list I think everyone should read. I only discovered it about a week ago in my school library, but I instantly ordered the full version online for £12.99, and it's instantly become one of the most essential pieces of literature in my collection to date.

Well, that concludes my Top 10 favourite books ever. I know that this countdown will change over time, and I also know it can't have been as interesting to read as a few of my other blogs, but I just felt I owed it to the writers and the books that have influenced my own writing so much. Heck, I'd be interested in reading the choices of other g1s if they ever did this list.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Rants: 51: A Clockwork Console

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:51:25 -0400

"What's it going to be then?"

There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the LonLonMilkbar, making up our minds what to do with the coming evening. It was a cold, wintry swamp of a day, though dry.

The four of us were dressed in the height of fashion. We could yet not afford the costume worn by the richies and showoffs, but we showed our true patriotism nonetheless. Dim with his cheap wig, with false blonde hair spiked so sharp it could have killed a wandering creature. Pete, trudging around with the Guitar Hero controller he carried on his back, as if at any second he could strumple out a flashy beat. Georgie, with falsified 'Ratchet' ears on, pretending to be an animal, but an animal with more power than many a man.

And then there was I, Alex. I was content to wear my face-paint. One violent red dash and I was Kratos. Although we were brought up good and proper, well-bred like, t'was not human blood that ran through our veins, but Sony, through and through, and we'd slash anyone who suspected otherwise.

"What's it going to be then?" I repeated to my droogs, as they supped the white liquid that enticed us to our acts of anti-social threats. Lon Lon Milk was packed full of energy. Just right to perk you up for a night of 'ultraviolence', the word on everyone's lips after a drop or two of the forbidden brew.

After deciding soon enough just what to do with our enchanted evening, we staggered out into the streets, and there we viddied an old cashie. T'was what 'casual gamers' were called at the time, and it were an oldie as well. There's nothing your humble narrator hated more, my brothers, than an old drunkard, tapping away at the DS on the street, making such a ruckus that it might have been a possessed pianist in his guts.

But, my brothers and only friends, we soon took care of him.

After the beatdown, we retired to an abandoned clubhouse, where we came across Billy-Boy. He was a right nasty piece of work, and we came just in time to interrupt his game of 'In and out' with a crying young lass he'd found nearby. He played the same game we did; That is, not the consoles, for he was an Xbox player, but he did what he could get away with. If I could blame my ultraviolence on Kratos, he could get away with the old 'In Out' after a few rounds of Dead or Alive.

Although our thought patterns viddied the same track, we were still bitter rivals. Us with our Sony, Billy's gang with Microsoft, and although the four of us were outnumbered, I knew that Dim could unleash a monster with those chains of his. I thought for a second about passing, before spotting the Master Chief logo on the shirt of one of Billy's droogs. I viddied red, my brothers...

The original scene from the movie, one of the most famous and influential fight scenes ever shown in a cinematic sequence

After the fight was done, we split paths for the night. I took the lonely walk to my house. With my droogs gone, and my parents satisfied with my answer that I was merely 'Out', I was free to retire to my room once more, where I took solace in my favourite pastime.

Ah, my precious games. I knew well that they held no violent influence over a non-violent person, but for a violent person, they could provide relief and inspiration. Oh, how I loved to kill and kill again, my brothers, in my own virtual world. Knowing full well that if word ever got out into the human world, I could escape free once more.

By claiming I was a victim from these ferocious and horrible games, I could get media attention and avert the punishment. Twice I'd been up on charges of minor assault against droogs I had taken a wrong turn to, and both times it was my favourite games that got me off the hook. Oh, I loved them...

Kratos was my favourite. The way he could strike, time and time again, without remorse. Anyone, be they friend, ally, mortal, God, he didn't let anyone stand in his way, not for a second. And if they tried to avoid him, he could track them down anyway. He was the hero of the modern man like me. If he viddied some of my work, I'm sure he'd be as proud of me as I was of him.

It was one of these pieces of work however, that led to my downfall.

Earlier in the week, we may have had a minor disagreement in which Dim wanted Georgie to be the new leader, and I may or may not have wanted to keep my position as leader of the ultraviolents. So, my brothers and only friends, I had to resort to a bit of violence on the violent in order to change their wee minds. It didn't take much planning, nor perseverance before I was back in charge.

Another very famous scene from the movie. Another VIOLENT very famous scene from the movie

The next few nights were a blur of milk, ultraviolence, and driving. First night, we stopped at the house of a local Nintendo fan and tied up the bastard. His wife wouldn't shut it, so we tied her up as well and gave her the old 'In-out' treatment so well that Kratos himself would've been jealous. But on the night after, when we tried to use the same line to get into the house, we ran into a problem.

The woman, a Microsoft lover this time, had heard our opening line about an accident and wanting to use the phone to get issued permission to step inside, so she was wary. No matter, with the help of my droogs, I had soon clambered through a window, and was out for a cheap laugh, unaware that the police had been called.

She soon spotted me, and we began a heated debate. It turns out, she had all sorts of dirty paraphernalia. Old NES Zappers and Super Scopes and the like. Even a scummy old Rumble Pak. I couldn't have that, my brothers, could I? So I did what any self-respecting Sony fan would do, and perhaps hit one of them.

The dirty ***** didn't like that, and I soon found myself on the back foot as she tried to attack me. Me, of all people! I had no problem with violence, but as I stumbled back, I viddied her trip, and I couldn't help but viddy a chance for attack as well. I grabbed the filthy Super Scope from off her shelf and shoved it, as hard as my arms could muster, down onto her head.

It was then, my brothers, that your humble narrator actually felt scared. For you see, the sirens of the approaching police rang a-ring-a-ding-ding through the windows, and I had to scurry towards the exit, where my fellow droogs were waiting. However, they turned out not to be my droogs at all...

For it was they who attacked me, with a bottle to the face, in order to immobilise me until the pigs arrived. It seems they didn't appreciate their hardworking leader any more, and they were far more busy for me now. It was them then, that handed me to my worst enemy.

I held out, my brothers and only friends. I wasn't too worried by the police. They questioned me time and time over until it felt proper strange, as if they didn't care either. As if they were waiting for something. If it were something from me, I did not fulfil their desires. When asked harsher questions, I merely replied with, "I know the law you bastards."

It were then, at that moment, when a man burst in, and he was a right smiling chappy. He whispered in the ear of the constable, and they started laughing. They said to me, although I did not believe at the time, that the woman I had faught was dead. I'd killed her. I couldn't believe it myself when I heard from the interragator.

"You are now a murderer, little Alex. A murderer, yes!"

"Not true, sir. It was only a slight tolchock. She was breathing, I swear it."

"I've just come back from the hospital. Your victim has died!"

"... You try to frighten me, sir, admit so, sir! This is some new form of torture. Admit so, brother, sir!"

"It will be your own torture. I hope to God it will torture you to madness."

And would you believe it, that your friend and humble narrator couldn't even escape by laying down his dynamite card, his truth and all glory, like.

"I was led astray sir. The violence of others, the media, the games, anything sir! Speak up for me!"

But the police just laughed. While blaming petty crime and violence on scapegoats was acceptable and accepted, it seemed not so the case for serious crimes. And so, I'm afraid my brothers, the sad and weepy part of the story began, for I was taken into prison, with scumbags and perverts and dirt-poor peasants and the like. No Kratos or Niko for me now.

The jail was a festering building not built for the likes of me, your friend and humble narrator. It were dirty and full of right evildoers, the scum of the earth. Every one of them more despicable than the last. If I ruled over this ****hole, I'd have done them lot in years ago, without so much as batting my eyelid. They only understood violence. I were never like that.

But as time went on, my brothers, your humble narrator got word of something. A new treatment, like. If it could get me out of this hellhole after 2 years of confinement, I was willing to sign anything without so much as a single viddy if it meant I could be free. And so I volunteered myself immediately to be put forwards for this new trial, like. It were like a twisted cognitive therapy, but I didn't care. I was in and wanted out. I wanted my games and I wanted my life back.

On my first day in the trial, I was skeptical but happily aware that in a month, I'd be home free. They injected me with a strange serum, which they said was to help me with vitamins, but I could feel something morbid about it. It were not until they tied me down and strapped me in that I were scared again, but I yielded no complaints.

They held my eyes open with metal pincers, and had a little man next to me, constantly dropping water onto my eyes to keep them hydrated. As I feared what I would be forced to watch, images came up on the screen and my heart did a skippy-dip.

It were only Mortal Kombat, at it's very finest.

All the fatalities, all the blood, all the gore, I could have viddied it a hundred times over my brothers, and each time it would have been just as satisfying. However, at the beginning of the next movie, I began to feel strange. The serum was kicking in, and violent nausea swept over me like blood dripping from the Blades of Athena.

I cried out in pain, it were unbearable, my brothers, but would you believe that your friend and humble narrator was forced to keep watching them. Not only did they make me viddy God of War, and all my other favourite games, but even the non-violent ones, even the games I never played were forced onto my retinas as I wailed in distress.

In 4 weeks, they said I was cured. I couldn't viddy an image or even think of games without the violent nausea coming back. I was harmless, but just to test me in front of an audience, they brought out a gentlemen who beat me. As much as that bastard fought, I could never fight back, and he found himself leaving the stage with a round of applause as the others watched in glee.

But at least I was out.

Given my belongings, I was escorted out into the real world again. Miserable and alone, I went to the only home I had, only to find my loving mother and father devoted to somebody else. As I entered the room, I was shocked to see an unfamiliar face glaring back at me.

"Ma? Pa? It's me!"

They seemed frightened, but they'd read all the papers. They must have known my ticker was all cured up now.

"I'm home!"

My ma was the first to greet me back.

"A... Alex."

"Yes ma. Hope you're keeping fit, like. And you, Dad?"

"Er, yes... glad to see you back lad."

It were my ma that posed the question that showed their innermost ponderings though.

"Why didn't you let us know what was happening, son?"

"I just wanted it to be a surprise..."

I decided to tackle the problem of the stranger with my pa. This odd man was just glaring at me from cross the table, munching ticks of toast.

"Whose that strange fella on the sofa?"

"Well... he's Joe... he's the lodger."

You must be shocked to hear that your friend and humble narrator had come all the way back to be greeted with awkwardness and a replacement in my very house. My belongings, my pet snake, everything had been taken away. Joe soon made his intentions clear to me.

"I've heard about you. I know what you've done. Breaking the hearts of your poor grieving parents. So you're back? You're back to make a life of misery for your lovely parents, is that it? Well, over my dead corpse you will, because you see, they've let me be more like a son to them than like a lodger."

At that moment, I was thinking two thoughts at once, simultaneous like. One half of my brain wanted so badly to punch him harder than Chris Redfield and not stop punching until the red oozed out from under his big fat skull. But my other half was trying to stop, as I felt violently sick.

As I retched, Joe threw me further insults, none of which I had the power to even respond to. As my ma looked on in worry, Joe pulled her into a hug and told her I didn't have to worry about me any longer. A new wave of anger and nausea struck me, as I wanted so hard to fight him.

But as soon as I recovered, I knew I could not fight, so I had no choice but to leave. Out on the streets, your humble narrator's problems didn't cease. A homeless man recognised me as the cheeky young lad who'd attacked him many a'year ago, and wanted payback. I would've been done for, if not for the police intervening.

That is, until they saw who I was, and I saw them.

Georgie and Dim.

They threw all kinds of abuse my way as I was dragged into a car and handcuffed. Reminding me of my older days, they knew I would get nauseous. Manhunt, Gears of War, they described all of them vividly. I tried to appeal, but they could no longer viddy mercy or none of the like. They took me to a metal trough, one I would've smashed them over the head with if I could've passed the nausea, and shoved my head under. It were minutes and minutes until they let me up, gasping and dying, but still retching from their actions.

It were then that I stumbled across an old house. Had I been in a better state, I may have recognised it as a previous victim's house. I'd butted in with my droogs and tied up the old man, having some fun with his wife too. But now, my brothers and only friends, my memory was not at it's finest, and I found myself there once more, with little recollection.

I was in dire need of help, but luckily, the old man didn't recognise me for what I had done to him. T'was only fair; I was different now. He'd seen me on the news, and muttered something about a political weapon before sending me off to bathe. It was my first taste of kindness in this world I had encountered, but it were not to last.

As I found myself relaxing in the tub, I found myself humming the same tune I once had when I had invaded this man beforehand. An idle little ditty, I absentmindedly began singing the lyrics as I felt the water cool around me.

"I'm singing in the rain..."

Little did I know, the codgy old evil man could very well hear my mutterings, and memories came flooding back to him. Your friend and humble narrator didn't realise the horrific extent of his power until he invited me to stay for a meal afterwards, and forcefully suggested I try the wine. After sipping a bit, I found it pleasant and delightful; before the drug kicked in and I collapsed forwards onto my plate.

...

So what became of your friend and humble narrator?

I awoke later, and instantly felt nauseous. I wasn't being forced, but I could see things. Horrible things. I was trapped in a room upstairs in his house, showing only the most heartless, brutal kills of God of War. I tried not to look, but the music was still loud. The sound effects were as brutal as the actions themselves, and every blow Kratos landed on Perseus, I felt my very self.

I shouted and stomped and banged, but nothing could stop the evil man and his companions from keeping me there. As I realised the nausea would never end, I stumbled towards a window; one last chance for peace.

It took a few tries for my hand to get steady, but I managed to grab the handle and open it. I was ready to jump; Ready to end this vicious circle.

Did those therapists not realise that the human mind is not to be toyed with? Did it not dawn on them that everything can be related towards games of the video variety? Had they hopelessly cast the net too wide and was I about to suffer the consequences?

These were my last thoughts, my brothers and only friends, as I was about to hit the ground.

...

...

I woke up months later, in a comfortable hospital bed. I viddied no violence, no threats, and no nausea, no, naught but nurses and other medicals brooding over me. They showed great relief that I was ok, and surprisingly, when I felt angry or vengeful, no nausea came over me. I had to address this question to one of the nurses on the staff.

"Well, when I was all like ashamed up and half awake and unconscious like, I kept having this dream like all these doctors were playing around with me gulliver. You know... like the inside of me brain. I seemed to have this dream over and over again. D'you think it means anything?"

"Patients who've sustained the kind of injuries you have often have dreams of this sort. It's all part of the recovery process."

So that was it; I was recovering now. She completed the process herself with a simple test; Showing me certain slides and checking that my responses were adequate. She let me see the first one, in which Marcus Fenix and the like were standing over a body of a soldier. Marcus was saying, "He's suffered enough, let's leave him!" and I had to give the response of the soldier.

I took a minute to think and viddy the scene all to my lonesome, before the nurse asked me not to think too long about it.

"Erm... Bollocks! Give me that gun and I'll smash his face in meself!"

It was the first violent thing I'd been able to say, but the nurse smiled. "Very good Alex!"

She showed me more and more pictures, and my answers became more vivid. I was beginning to chuckle and laugh, and my mood continued on a high as my parents came in to tell me they'd gotten rid of that bastard Joe. Probably for the best, I'd have smashed his face in.

And then, my friends, your humble narrator was greeted by the mayor himself. He warned me of political parties wanting to use me against them in the next election, so he wanted me on his side. And then, as if to sway my mind, he let slip they had a new job open for me.

"We've decided that, since this therapy is no longer regarded as a success, we may have to find other ways of dealing with hardened criminals. Would you perhaps be interested in becoming our next... executioner?"

"Yes sir, ta very much sir!"

And then, to close the deal, he told me he had a surprise for me. As I closed my eyes, viddied right shut, they wheeled in an old friend of mine. He put the controller in my hand and I was reunited with my old friend Kratos. The media burst in, photographs were taken, and I was myself again.

I could see right then what the future held for a promising lad like me.

All of my enemies were defeated, and I remained victorious, alone...

They wept and begged for forgiveness as I killed them anyway. That old man would be first to go, followed by Georgie and Dim. They'd regret the ultraviolence, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Not your humble narrator.

Oh, I was cured all right...

Elmo's Room 101 with PekoponTAS

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 14:59:06 -0400

Ladies and gentlemen... my guest today is one of Screwattack's most valuable assets to blogging, an extreme Kirby fan who recently showed us his video-making talent, one of my favourite bloggers, and also a proud owner of a copy of 'Bugs and Lola' on the GBC, PekoponTAS!!!

So then Pekopon... let's get started! What's the first thing you want to put into Room 101?

BOING-FLIP!

Spring Mario

Spring Mario is quite possibly the worst Mario Power up ever. It’s impossible to control, you can’t defend yourself while using it, and you only need it in a few spots. This truly questions the term “Power Up” because you’re better off without it.

Elmo: Hmmmm... as someone who hasn't got that far into Super Mario Galaxy (I don't own a Wii... hence why I haven't got far) I don't know what spring Mario is. Is it basically like 'Spring Wario' in Wario Land 2 and Wario Land 4? That was pretty fun... Aw shucks, now I'm reminiscing about Wario Land 4's final boss fight... chucking a hammer and hitting your head with it...

Ah, I'm getting sidetracked. Anyway, even though Mario is known for power-ups, they seem to be hit or miss, with the exception of the fire flower. FLUDD is only in Sunshine, the bunny ears are only in SML2, and the cape is only in Super Mario World. Plus there was that weird one in Super Mario Bros 3 where Mario turns to stone. How handy.

So to sum up... what exactly does the spring Mario ability do, and why is it so useless?

PekoponTAS: Well, spring Mario makes you jump really high, but you can’t really walk while using it. You sort of bounce around, and it’s nearly impossible to control. It’s sort of like Hi-Jump from Kirby’s Adventure, only you can’t harm enemies with your jump. Also you can’t control your jump as smoothly as in Kirby. Basically it’s just a way to die in really cheap ways as you’ll often bounce right off a cliff through no fault of your own. When a power-up more often than not kills you, I’d say that’s a pretty crummy power up.

Elmo: Fair enough. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that if I put Spring Mario into Room 101, he'll just bounce right back up again... Plus, putting any form of Mario into Room 101 goes against everything to do with gaming. I don't wanna put in Mario... but I'll put in the spring. Springs can't bounce as high as Mario can anyway.

Spring Mario ability, in you go to Room 101! *Thud*

Onto your next choice!

This is the full extent of Elmo 3000's picture-making skills...

Die Hard Purists

Purists who like to play on the original consoles are fine with me as I can agree that sometimes the controls are better on the original system, but it’s the ones that go waaaay too far with it that drive me crazy. These are the people who say that you didn’t officially beat Sonic 2 because you used a state save on Virtual Console, or the people who say that you HAVE to pay 100+ dollars on ebay just so you can play EarthBound on the original system.

Maybe I don’t have the time or attention span to play Sonic in one sitting, and maybe I’m not willing to spend tons of money on a game I could easily just download. Then there are the people who insist you have all the official products. These are the people who say you need to use the official Virtual Boy headphones when playing the Virtual Boy, or the people who say you need the official AC adaptor. It’s just plain old annoying.

Elmo: *Cough* Play Earthbound on an emulator! *Cough* I'm inclined to agree with you because I had a commenter like that a while ago. It wasn't a mean comment or anything, but it was basically someone who disagreed with me because they were also a Brit, but they'd imported Japanese GBA games, they had an American SNES so they could play Earthbound, all those things. Whilst I respect the guy for going to such an effort to avoid stealing, I have to point out that not everyone has so much money.

I know I'm a fairly moral blogger, but when I have the choice of downloading a game for free that wasn't released here, or importing an old console and rare game from a different continent, which would total at least £60... I'm inclined to go for the freebie. Plus, I'm playing Mother 3 with a translation patch, whereas an imported copy would be Japanese, which I guess you would get used to, but it would still make the game incredibly harder to get into.

PekoponTAS: Yeah, it’s good to avoid stealing, but when it’s for an old game where any purchase wouldn’t be going to the developers, I feel that there’s not much point. Purists come in two flavours, the reasonable ones, and the really extreme ones. I fall somewhere in between the non-purist and reasonable purist. I’ll buy the original if it’s something I’m passionate about, but for any old cartridge that I’m only curious about, I’m not going to be a die hard purist and buy the cartridge just for that. Though now this is sort of just talking about ROMs again. I just feel that the die hard purists take things way too seriously, and it’s annoying when they tell you that you didn’t win since you didn’t play the original.

Elmo: I have to put this into Room 101, purely because if I didn't agree with you, I'd be a massive hypocrite. I'm against modern piracy, since you really are hurting developers, and I'm even against Gamecube piracy for the most part, since you can usually find the game you want without too much hassle, but tracking down dusty old broken consoles to play a game you could get for free on a computer is a very extreme case of morals. Too moral even for me.

Die Hard Purists, you're going into Room 101! *Smash*

Next choice!

Sounds like a great deal, until you realise that those 54 games are just mini-games from Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Wii Play... Gee, that would be clear to misinformed parents!

The jerks who buy the newest popular item and sell it overpriced on eBay.

I think it’s safe to say that these people suck. When Wii Fit came out for 90 dollars, people quickly put it on ebay for 300 dollars… AND PEOPLE BOUGHT THEM!!! These people are seriously taking advantage of the unfortunate parents who are desperately trying to get their kid the latest hot item, and since they don’t want to spoil Christmas or Birthdays, they fork over the cash. It’s totally unethical and it burns me up. I was cruising a forum once and saw a guy who said he found Wii Fits at a store, bought three of them, and sold two of them on ebay for 200 dollars each. He was bragging that he was being an ass, so I joined the forum solely to tell him that he sucks.

Elmo: Hmmm... to check this out, I looked through Play.com and eBay. Unfortunately, this means I actually had to recall some games that were released recently... yikes...

Well, a PS3 version of Resident Evil 5 is being sold by Play.com for £24.99, but the 'Limited Edition: Steelbook' version is almost £20 higher, sold by people on 'Playtrade'. Er... totally worth it...

I then checked out 'Madworld' which was £29.99 on Play (Who am I, Cheapy D?) yet some of the Playtrade users were selling it (Used or new) for about £20. However, there was one guy at the end selling it for £70.95. I should point out that this is just one guy... but still, seventy quid? Piss off!

I then checked Madworld on eBay and- OH PISS OFF YOU FRIGGIN' POP-UPS! I THOUGHT I DISABLED YOU!

Anyway, on eBay it was also £20 to get the game.

Still, I have seen people jacking up ridiculous prices to take advantage of misinformed people. It's kind of mean...

PekoponTAS: Well, for individual games it’s generally not too bad, but when it’s a new system or peripheral that people know will be hard to get like the Wii or Wii Fit, prices go sky high. When the Wii first came out, they were selling on ebay for about 500 dollars. Not only does it take advantage of parents, but it takes advantage of those not willing to traverse stores non-stop in hopes of finding the item.

Elmo: Yeah, it makes me annoyed to see people making profit off the naivety of others. Plus, it doesn't help that I can easily relate this to the jacking up of other prices, and since 'The Twin Snakes' is currently £55 on Play.com, there's no way I'm not putting something related to high prices into Room 101.

In those jerks go! *Thump*

Your next choice, sir?

Remember the old days like this, when colour was our friend?

Grey-Scale Instruction Manuals

Here’s one I really hate. Are companies REALLY that cheap to not print colour manuals? In the Super Nintendo days, pretty much every manual was filled with colourful detailed art, but now a lot of companies cheap out and print in grey-scale. And these aren’t poor companies either. Companies like Sega, Square Enix, and Konami continue to print in grey-scale, and for someone who loves reading the manuals, it really stinks.

Elmo: Ouch. As someone who buys second-hand Gamecube games, it's rare enough for me to even find a game that still HAS the manual. But still, colour is nice in making the instructions seem more interesting. All of my Gamecube games have colourful manuals (The ones that have manuals anyway...) so I can't comment too much. I do have a few grey manuals, but they were for games on the original Gameboy, years and years ago.

I can't judge how bad grey manuals are, but I CAN say that I really enjoy colourful manuals, so I'm inclined to agree with you here. I think it's because due to FPS games nowadays, games themselves are getting more grey and dull. Realism sucks.

PekoponTAS: I don’t know if that’s the reason. For a game like 'Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg', there was no reason for it to be in grey-scale. I can assure you though that once you get your first grey-scale manual, you will see that it stinks.

Elmo: (Runs off the look at copy of 'Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg')

Oh, for the love of... my eyes! My eyes!!!

The moment I get my sight back, I'm putting those manuals into Room 101... Must see colourful games... Where's my old copy of Pikmin and my friend's copy of Katamari Damacy?

Ah, all better. Grey Instruction Manuals, in you go to Room 101! *Smoosh*

Your final choice?

How could a game so cute and happy MAKE YOU WANT TO SWEAR SO MUCH?

Bad Endings

Not poor quality endings, I mean the endings that you get when you don’t get 100% or save all the hostages or whatever. I don’t care what I did in the game, I beat it, and I deserve a proper ending! Maybe I’m not one of those people who has to get 100% in every game, maybe I don’t have TIME to get 100% in every game! When I beat a hard game and see “Now try Hard Mode” or “but you didn’t collect all the stars” it feels like a kick in the nuts. What was the point of what I just did if I don’t get the real ending?

Elmo: I'm once again inclined to agree with you... I hated getting so far on Double Dragon 2, only to be told, "If you want to get further, play on 'Supreme Master' setting!"

As someone very obsessive, part of me wishes that games only had one ending. It sounds like it diminishes the replay value, but it's really annoying for me to play a game like 'I Wanna Be The Guy', since it wasn't enough for me to beat it on Hard. I had to beat it on Very Hard. And then I had to beat it on Hard resetting (not restarting) the game every time I died, so that at the end my death count was 0. Then I had to get the 6 secret items. Then I had to go through the whole thing with a total time of less than half an hour. Then I had to do THAT on Very Hard.

I think I've suffered enough... although most of my annoyance about this comes from the fact that I know deep down that I'm making myself do it... Well, I appear to have rambled about something completely different. Give us some good examples of some 100% games you hated. I for one couldn't get all Shine Sprites in Super Mario Sunshine, and the collectibles in Super Metroid were impossible to get if you wanted the best ending.

PekoponTAS: Donkey Kong Country 2 comes to mind. That game is hard enough just playing through, let alone trying to get everything. All so I can hear Cranky Kong say something different. I think the worst one was in Pokemon Puzzle League where there were about 20 different difficulty settings. Bomberman Land Touch also stands out as that game was freaking hard, and then at the end it says “Now try hard mode!” Stupid Hard mode.

Elmo: Well, if there's anything my nine plays of Resident Evil 4 have taught me, it's that multiple endings are NOT the way to get someone to keep playing your game. They just have to be fun, original, fun, entertaining, and fun instead. It also helps if they're fun.

Bad Endings, in you go to Room 101! *Crash*

Well congratulations PekoponTAS for getting all 5 of your items into Room 101, and thanks for being on the show. I enjoyed hearing what you hated; I love hearing other people ranting...

Anyway, I hope you other readers enjoyed the interview.

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo's Room 101 with: Tren!

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 13:00:48 -0400

Hello everybody. I'll start today's blog with a little sidenote; Today is my 18th birthday!

So... hurrah, I can now buy alcohol (Which I wouldn't) smoke cigarettes (Which I wouldn't) go to clubs (Which I wouldn't)... basically, this just means it will be less of a hassle when I eventually put aside my hatred for Kratos and try out the God of War series.

Anyway, my guest on today's episode of Room 101 is a blogger who recently celebrated his one year anniversary on the site. He also suggested one of Screwattack's hilarious 'Clip of the Week' videos, he's currently designing Gears of War levels on a game design course, but he still finds the time to make countdowns, 'Let's Play's, and various other beautiful blogging nuggets of gold. Ladies and gentlemen, Tren!

Tren: Ladies? There are ladies reading this blog? CRAP! Uhm, hang on...

... Alright! Got some cologne on and a dash of aftershave. No ladies will resist my charms now! Right Elmo, let's get this show on the road!

Elmo:Alrighty then. Your first choice?

Abandon hope all ye who get further than here...

Metal Gear Jungle Maze

Tren: Now, the NES port Metal Gear may be a sore spot to many fans of the series, as many feel (including the series' creator Hideo Kojima) to be a particularly poor port of the original game. Now, while I sorta agree that it's worse than the original version of Metal Gear, I still feel that the port is a good game on it's own. Sure, it may not be as stealthy as the original, but it's still good fun.

With the exception of those damn jungle mazes!

Now, for you who are a bit unfamiliar with this game, allow me to elaborate. At certain points in the game, you'll be trekking through the jungle, going to building to building. In some parts of these jungles, there are mazes. Sorta like that cross maze in the Legend of Zelda, in the sense that you have to go through each opening in a specific order if you want to proceed further. Unlike the maze in Zelda though, they have the audacity to add even more opening to the mazes. This all can make for a particularly frustrating experience, as you have to hit the right entrance up to 4-5 times in order to get to the next screen. In one of the mazes, you got a 1/3125th of a chance on getting the order correctly by just going random directions. Actually, let me correct myself a little here: It's not the fact that these mazes are in the game which annoys me.

It's the fact that during the game, you don't get ANY sort of hint on how to finish the damn maze. Yeah, that's right, NONE! No badly radio transmissions from Big Boss telling you to "GO LEFT, LEFT, UPPER RIGHT AND LEFT TO PROCEED TO PRISON BULIDING!". No cryptic hints from the P.O.Ws. NOTHING! Seriously, this might be the worst case of horrible game design that I've ever witnessed. Who puts an almost impossible puzzle in the game without even hinting at the proper solution?

Heck, how did ANYONE figure out this maze in the first place? You don't even know how many times you must go through the maze exits! You can walk through that place and loop through the same exact screen in ages without making any progress, and you wouldn't know it. Bah!

Elmo: I can definitely understand the frustration there. NES games aren't exactly known for making sense, but this just sounds overwhelmingly annoying. I haven't even got to that stage of Metal Gear yet, I can only get past people who 'feel asleep' and then I die when I try to sneak past them and they abruptly wake up and shoot me.

Anyway, although you mentioned the puzzle in 'The Legend of Zelda', I thought that pattern was a tad unclear. If I remember correctly, you have to find a woman and pay her 30 rupees, which wouldn't be so bad except she also accepts 10 and 50. I paid her 10 and she said 'That's not enough to talk', so I paid her 50 and she said, 'Boy, you sure are rich!' I gave up after that... plus, there are the 'Lost Hills' you climb to get to Dungeon... 5 I think. There's no clue of that in the game.

Games like Metroid are worse, when you have to bomb practically every block on screen, and at one point, fall through a fake acid floor. How many hours must you have spent exhausting all other possibilities before you just gave up and jumped into the friggin' floor? Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, what's different about the Jungle Maze? What makes it worse than other unclear NES objectives?

Tren: Well, at least in Zelda the solution for the forest cross maze is IN the game somewhere, albeit slightly hidden. But it's still better than none at all. And Lost Hills had only two entrances that made the screen scroll to a similar one, so it wasn't really all that complex compared to the Jungle Maze either. As for Metroid... I actually haven't played that game yet. Yeah, I know, someone at ScrewAttack who hasn't played Metroid? Crazy, right?

There is one more thing that I have to mention, though... there is an alternate route to the Prison Building that don't require you to traverse the Jungle Maze. The catch? It's freaking harder! Instead of navigating through the jungles, you can instead cross a corridor connecting two of the buildings. The catch? It's filled to the brim with those freaking pits of doom, which are square, black voids that appear when you move too close to them. Instant death, baby. Oh, and the corridor is also pitch black too, unless you got a Flashlight equipped.

Yeah, I'm going back to the Jungle Maze. At least that one won't freaking kill me.

Oh, and I forgot to mention... how do you get to this building that has a corridor connecting to the Prison Building? BY NAVIGATING THROUGH THE OTHER F***ING MAZE! GAH!

Actually, by looking at a map here, I must apologize and correct myself. Apparently, the corridor doesn't connect the two buildings. It's the same building. Building 3, to be exact. But that just means that both of the building's only entrances are blocked by Jungle Mazes anyways, so I'm still pretty annoyed. Oh, and a big part of Building 3 is also filled with gas as well, and it's pretty much a labyrinth (not a maze, though). And the pit-filled, pitch-black corridor...

Hey, can I put the entire Building 3 into Room 101?

Elmo: Well, it's very unprofessional to do such a thing, but sure! Having never got far enough in Metal Gear to even get any sort of weapon, I have nothing against people smashing the game to smithereens. I know that NES games can be long and annoying, but this just sounds like it takes the cake...

The Jungle Maze and Building 3 are going into Room 101, leaving a humongous gap in the game and on the map. Solid Snake will be confused... *Smash*

Your next choice?

OMG WTF IS DIS GHEY ****?

The "Kiddy games are lame" crowd

Tren: What is a 'true' gamer? To me, that is someone who's willing to give any sort of game a chance. It's someone who appreciates the gameplay most of all, regardless of the game's subject matter. Whether it's geared towards either the younger or more mature audiences, the 'true' gamer doesn't care. If it's a fun game, it's a freaking fun game. Simple as that. And while I may not be a 'true' gamer, I still gets annoyed by people who takes one look at a game, and then bases their entire opinion on that first impression, perhaps not even playing the game first. And the most annoying of these people are the ones who doesn't play a game because "It looks too kiddy!"

Example: A 'true' gamer (okay, I'm getting annoyed by those quotation marks) may criticize the Kirby games for being a bit too easy, but they may still enjoy playing the game. And then here comes... let's call him Bob. Bob takes a quick glance at a Kirby game which his buddy, George, is playing. Bob's response? "Oh man, that looks so gay. Play some real games, will ya?".

If you want to punch Bob in the face now, I wouldn't judge you. Quite frankly, people like Bob here annoys the hell out of me. Does a game need blood and gore with blurry brown visuals in order to gain the attention of Bob? Jeez.

Elmo: Ah, we've all heard stupid people denouncing perfectly good games because of their audience. Most of the time it's one of the popular candidates for kiddi-ness, such as Pokemon, Pikmin, Animal Crossing, pretty much anything on the Wii or DS... then sometimes they strike a nerve by accusing franchises like Zelda and Mario of being aimed at children...

There's a difference between being aimed at children, and being suitable for everyone, moron...

Anyway, whilst we've all had favorite franchises unjustly criticized for this, which game did YOU really enjoy that was criticized for being 'kiddy'?

Tren: Well, while I haven't DIRECTLY experienced being accused of playing 'kiddy' games (at least, not to my recollection), I do believe that there's a general consensus amongst some gamers who'd gladly put the Pokémon games on the 'lame' list. Really, it's mostly gotten that label as a kiddy game due to it's advertising, which I'll admit caters to the more younger crowd. It's still a very good RPG with a good chunk of strategy elements in it. But I guess the denouncers just can't see that and goes "Pokeyman? That's the game with all the cutsey monsters, rite? Go play some Wolfenstein, dude. Or are you a Nazi? You're a Pokeyman Nazi, aren't you? Get outta America!".

Well, I'm already outside of America in the first place, so I guess that wouldn't be so bad.

I also got one very good example... remember when Wind Waker was announced? Remember when some of the Zelda fanbase became VERY vocal and started to critizise the game for being to kiddy and cartoony? Heck, I bet words like 'boycott' were probably tossed around even back then. Well, joke's on them, as Wind Waker was freaking great. But I guess one part of the Zelda fanbase just couldn't look past the game's graphical style and decided to never even play the game to see if it's good or not. Idiots, the lot of them!

By the way, I'm not dissing on people that dislike Wind Waker for other reasons, as I know that there are gamers out there who didn't quite appreciate the location and the sailing aspect of Wind Waker. By all means, if you dislike it because the gameplay wasn't your cup of tea, then I'll respect that opinion. My beef is with those who just glanced at Wind Waker and went "Why's Link so cartoony? I want realism, damn it!".

Realism doesn't equal quality, people!

Elmo: The annoying thing about these people is that everything they don't like is 'kiddy'. If it doesn't appeal directly to them, they assume it must be 'kiddy'. Any NES game is 'kiddy' to them. Probably any Genesis and SNES game too (I've heard the old Mortal Kombat games called 'kiddy' for not being as realistic as the newer ones- morons...)

I WOULD put these idiots who reject any game that doesn't star Marcus Fenix or Kratos into Room 101, but there aren't any kiddy games there, so I'll have to find one I'm not fond of...

Opening the box is the most thrilling part of this gaming experience...

I know it has fans, but I've never been into Animal Crossing that much. It's like when in real life, you do a task to get a reward. This entire game felt to me like one big task, with no reward other than a few NES games, most of which were crap. The best ones were, as always, only available in special events in Japan. I've actually looked up the codes and they don't work on my version...

Oh, and don't get me started on that f***ing 'Sports Day' on Animal Crossing. 4 fun events that look like genuinely entertaining mini-games, NONE OF WHICH YOU CAN PLAY! Except of course, the non-sensical aerobics which you can do every morning, but probably don't because they're as dull and monotone as just turning the console off and looking at the blank screen.

The museum sucked too. I spent ages collecting all the dinosaur bones, and all I got was a 'Thanks!' from Blathers. Give me a real reward, ya feathered f***er!

*Ahem, sorry about that... anyway, I'm chucking this game AND kiddy gamers into Room 101, so that they'll be forced to play it forever. *Smoosh*

Tren: But, uhhh... don't they need a Gamecube to play that game? Hey, why not donate your own?

Elmo: ... HECKEDY HECK NO!!!!!!!!

Tren: Well... okay, I'll donate mine. My Wii's backwards compatible anyways, so I don't need the extra console.

Elmo: I AM NEVER PUTTING A GAMECUBE INTO ROOM 101! NEVER!

They can just read the manual or something... Anyway, next choice?

Wait, wasn't I in first a second ago?

Cheating AI

Tren: A good opponent AI is someone who will give you a good challenge, not be all that predictable, and of course, not frustrating. If an AI is pulled off well, you'll have a good time playing against it, and you may even find yourself congratulating your opponent, even if it only is just a whole bunch of command lines programmed into the game.

Unless the AI is a cheating bastard, that is.

And I got a prime example here: the Mario Kart games. Or, in my case, Mario Kart 64. While the cheating AI isn't really all that bad compared to other games, it's still the most noticeable. let me put it like this: You're absolutely DOMINATING the race. Your practically speeding through the track, finding the best route through the corners, dodging all the obstacles and generally driving in such a way that even the Stig himself would get goosebumps. You feel confident, and you watch the map in the corner. That's when you notice that despite pushing your kart to the absolute limit... the guy at the second place apparently drives DOUBLE THE SPEED! And is able to dodge stage obstacles by DRIVING RIGHT THROUGH THEM! The hell is this? Of course, this promptly stops the moment your opponent is within earshot of you. Only then the computer decides to follow the in-game physics. If you can see or hear them, the karts act normally. But when they slip out of your visual range... BOOM, lightspeed!

Now, I can understand that they included this in the game. It's simply a way to keep the action fresh if the player is simply too good for the computer to handle. And it rarely is a problem either... unless you suck too much and are leagues behind the first place driver. As I said, it may not be the most frustrating of examples, but it's certainly the most obvious. Elmo, can you think of a better example?

Elmo: The same thing used to happen to me in Big Red Racing. At first, I just thought that I was crazily good on the last laps, before I realized it was because the CPU racers weren't going at hyperspeed to catch up with me.

Anyway, although I've been hyping XIII like crazy lately (AND I SHOULD! IT'S AWESOME!) then there are also a couple of funny glitches. One involves opening a door and then running away just enough that you avoid a cutscene, so a boss doesn't jump out, so you find him just standing there instead... if you sneak up on him, you can kill him with the forearm blow. Utter pwnage.

However, there was one instance when I chucked a grenade into a room, and it killed 2 out of 3 people. The third guy ran into the next room to avoid it, but it was a boss room, so I went in, a cutscene started, and suddenly this guy who wasn't meant to be in the cutscene started shooting at me! As I couldn't fight back, needless to say I died...

Even though that's not cheating AI in the same way as rubber-banding in racing games, I wanted to chuck it in there... What's the craziest AI glitch you've ever encountered?

Tren: Okay, first off, mad props to you for mentioning Big Red Racing. I'd almost forgotten that game!

Anyways, we're moving on to glitchy AI now? Okay, fair enough... although I've been pretty lucky during my gaming life, and I've rarely come across any major glitches in the games that I've played, let alone AI glitches. Naturally, there are exceptions, but generally I've been pretty lucky. So I can't really remember any AI glitches that was all that serious or noticeable... sorry, man.

Well, I think the closest that I can get to a noticeable glitchy AI is from the first few Pokémon games released in the western world. But that's not really glitchy AI as much as it's a complete absence of an AI. Every opponent seems to just choose random moves without any rhyme or reason. The later games could at least pull off some decent strategies at times. Heck, Pokémon Red and Blue are pretty notorious for containing a whole lotta bugs, like the infamous Missingno, the fact that the move Focus Energy doesn't work at all, and that you can skip a dungeon in the game by using a Poké Doll. And to figure, the original first generation in Japan had even worse glitches!

Elmo: You can skip a dungeon?

*Offscreen, Tren explains to me that by using a Poké Doll against the ghost of Marowak in Lavender Town, the game thinks you've won the battle and lets you pass*

Wow... well, I can see your point... The strangest AI glitch I got was in Resident Evil 4. I was knifing someone who had a Type 2 Plagas, the type that can bite your head off if you don't get out of the way. Anyway, for some reason I just decided to go for broke and stand right in front of him, knifing like crazy.

I delivered the final blow with my knife just as he bit my head off. We both fell to the ground, defeated... and I laughed at the outcome. The only thing that got me annoyed was knowing that I did this by accident, whereas if I tried on purpose to do it again, it would take thousands of tries to get it just right.

I was doing this in the 'ritual' room where you find chanting zealots actually, and there are some pretty funny glitches there. If someone grabs you on the stairs, because you're on different levels of ground then it looks very screwed up. Plus, if you get rid of their means of escape (Chuck a flash grenade and jump down) then you not only have great knifing practise, but you can also climb back up a ladder, jump across some chandeliers, and laugh as you stand on one side of a metal grated door while they try in vain to grab you through it. You can actually knife and kick them through it sometimes...

It sounds like I'm defending AI, but... I am. However, I am NOT defending cheating AI. It's annoying, since when we lose, we have to accept that the game is just better than us, and the computer should be able to do this too.

Cheating AI is going into Room 101! *Thud*

Next choice please!

This picture goes in the 'Would be funnier if it wasn't true' category...

Ragequitters

Tren: Anyone who's ever played a game online may have come across this phenomenon. Which is why I'm kinda surprised that no one else has mentioned it in any of the previous Room 101s. However, I in this age of online multiplayer gaming, I must admit that I'm not really that big on that area. So instead, I'll concentrate on one specific type of ragequitters: real-life ragequitters.

So, let's go back to this Bob fellow. He's playing a game all by himself. He doesn't really show any particular emotion, but it doesn't look like he's having a bad time. He does what he usually does best: killing off baddies and taking names... when BAM, suddenly the game presents him with a challenge! Well, it doesn't seem like Bob is fazed by this, and he continues to play. He dies. He plays some more. He dies again. Okay, third time's the charm, eh Bob?

Bob turns off the game, and proclaims that it's the "worst game ever". And he does this without even sounding particularly frustrated.

Excuse me Bob, but... WTF?

Now, this is actually something that I've witnessed in real life. People who plays a game just fine, but the moment they face any sort of challenge within the game, it's suddenly not fun anymore and the game is "lame". Oh c'mon, a game is supposed to be challenging! Otherwise it would've been just boring from beginning to end. Actually, this may just not be ragequitting... this is "I'm-slightly-annoyed-that-I'm-not-as-good-at-this-game-as-I-thought-and-I-must-now-quit-just-to-save-face"-quitting!

Elmo: Hmmmm... I've come across ragequitters before, and they usually annoy me too. I've quit games in anger sometimes, but it's normally because part of the game is genuinely too hard for me, and I don't wanna toot my own horn, but that usually means it's too hard. You may or may not have seen me complaining about the final stages of Ninja Gaiden.

Ragequitters annoy me the most in multiplayer, but not online multiplayer. If it's online, the person you're playing against bought the game themselves and clearly likes it, whereas in real life, people can turn. One second it's, "Hey, let's pop in a round of Melee! I'll go easy on ya!"

Five minutes later, after accusing you of hacking the game, hacking the controller, and unfairly getting luck on your side because a fire-flower landed near you, he refuses to play any more on the ground that the game isn't good anyway. Yeah. Sure.

So... what's the most annoying multiplayer quitter you've experienced?

Tren: Well... to be honest, multiplayer ain't really all that big for me. Y'know, the lack of friends and such kinda hinders me on that regard. And my brother, while not really being all that much of a gamer anymore, is still pretty open-minded about games and such, so he rarely falls into that crowd... hey, would you accept a singleplayer ragequit instead? Because I got one that I'm not particularly proud of...

When I was fairly young (8 or 10, can't remember) I was playing Super Mario Bros. 3, which is generally assumed to be a very good game. In fact, I have yet to see a purely negative review of that game (now there's a challenge for you reviewers out there!). And I was doing great as well. I was at the last boss, Bowser, with a lot ot lives. About 80, if I remember correctly. Surely that's enough to take down the mighty Bowser, right?

Well, after dying about 5 times or so at the hands of Bowser, I didn't just turn off the console in rage, but I quite literally pulled out the NES power plug from the socket. My brother, who witnessed all this, asked me "Hey, what are you doing?".

Quite sheepishly, and trying to hide my anger (and probably failing), I just answered "I... I was afraid of Bowser.".

Yeah, that's more like a ragequit than anything else, young me.

Elmo: Wow. That's brave of you to admit, so well done. I've seen some ragequitting, although a lot of what I've seen comes from impatience. I had a friend who heard me talking about Earthbound, and wanted to actually give it a try. He got to the bit about 2 minutes in when you leave your house for the first time. He tried to go south. The south path was blocked. He said the game sucked and quit.

It was the same with Ocarina of Time. He tried it, got told he had to find a sword and shield, and quit. I hate people who don't give a game a chance unless it captivates them from the moment they turn it on.

As for my ragequitting... I usually don't ragequit when I should. If I'm playing against a horrible IWBTG fangame boss, or attempting another Viewtiful Joe level, I'll just get really mad, swear violently, and keep playing. While I usually finish games due to this underlying anger (I made Fire Leo my *****) it's not good. It also makes you look insane.

So I'm afraid I cannot put ragequitting into Room 101, since it's something in single-player that a lot of gamers should actually try if they're getting too mad at a certain part of a game. Sorry!

Anyway, your final choice?

Awwwwww....

The sleep ability from the Kirby games.

Tren: Ah, the Kirby games. It first started with the protagonist just eating his way through the opposition. And then he learned to actually gain the abilities of the enemies that he ate. And boy, what an assortment of abilities it was! From swords to LAZORS, throughout the Kirby series you get an impressive arsenal of weaponry to unleash on your enemies. Sure, some of them may not be all that powerful or helpful, but at least every ability is worth something, right?

Well, no. Not the Sleep ability.

Making it's debut in Kirby's Adventure (along with the "get the enemy's ability" game mechanic), the Sleep ability is pretty much a trap in a cute disguise. Basically, you see some new enemies just walking around, and occasionally fall asleep. You see them, and probably think to yourself "Haha, wonder what you get for eating these guys. Narcolepsy?". And you eat the snoozing baddie and find out... that you were completely right. Kirby suddenly goes asleep for a few second, completely open to all attacks, and you can't do anything about it. Damn, the game tricked me!

Now, I'm not getting angry that the ability is nothing more than a way to make Kirby a part-time punching bag. It's just a small trap, and actually quite a clever one. It's actually more with my own sense of defeat. When I get the sleep ability, and see that all it does is disabling you for a short period of time... I just can't accept it. I must find SOMETHING that the ability is good for.

Hey, maybe it can heal you while you sleep, just like the Rest attack from Pokémon... noooo, that's not it...

Wait, what about Jigglypuff's Rest attack from the Smash Bros. games? Yeah, it's probably just a really powerful attack in disguise! Okay, gonna get close to the opponent here... and I'll swallow the enemy... NOW!

...ARGH! Damn it!

And thus the evil cycle continues. My quest for finding at least ONE useful thing about the Sleep ability continues to the day I die... so Elmo, I guess the thing that I want in Room 101 is my own gaming insecurities.

Elmo: Hmmm... this really depends on what mood you're in. If you're in a serious mood, this ability has no realistic use and is therefore completely useless, but if you're in a more lighthearted mood, it's just a little joke. It's a bit like choosing whether you want to read a blog by Digital Debaser or Dastardly Dylan (The Battle of the Double D's?)

However, upon investigation, I found some uses for it.

In 'Kirby Squeak Squad', sleep gradually regains your health.

In 'Kirby Air Ride', if a player has the Sleep ability, they can pass it on to other people by crashing into them.

In some games, when awakening from 'Sleep', you can catch a glimpse of Kirby's teeth!

Taking these things into consideration, should the Sleep Ability still be put into Room 101?

Tren: Well, ehm, you see... errrrrm...

Pleeeeeease put the Sleep ability from Kirby in Room 101?

Elmo: Well, now I'm in a tough situation... On the one hand, this research has made me quite like the sleep ability. On the other hand, you did say please...

Alright, I'll put the sleep ability into Room 101, but I WON'T put 'Kirby when he's sleeping' into Room 101, because he looks so cool... Wait, if he doesn't have the ability, how will he sleep? I... This... AAAH! IT'S TOO TOUGH!

Sorry, I have to keep the sleep ability out of Room 101... It's just so cool!

Well, this was another fun Room 101 episode. Well done Tren, you got 3 things you hated into Room 101. Any last words?

Tren: Well, this was certainly a fun thing to write down. Y'know, these Room 101s are harder than they seem. It takes a lot outta you to both present and defend your own points and entries, especially when the answers that you get are so well written (but can one expect anything less from Elmo?). But do not be afraid g1s, it's still a very rewarding writing experience!

Elmo: Aw, shucks... thanks! Anyway, next time on Room 101, I believe I am interviewing another rising Screwattack star, DJGrandpa!

Thanks for reading!

-Elmo 3000, 18 years old today.

Elmo's Musical Rocky Horror Gaming Show!

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 19:05:51 -0400

SING-A-LONG WITH ELMO!!!

That's right everyone, I've devised another song. I did this once in a blog many months ago with the infamous Rick Astley song 'Never Gonna Give You Up', and I never thought I'd make another musical blog again. Then, I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show...

Not only is it a great movie, it also has a large number of amazing musical numbers, and while I can't stop listening to the Time Warp and fitting in as many references to the movie into my daily life as possible ("Elliott, go clean your room!" "Dammit Janet, I'm busy!) there's one thing that's been eating at me ever since seeing it.

The opening tune is named the 'Science Fiction Double Feature', which is basically a reference to a large number of old B-movies that were partly the inspiration of the Rocky Horror Picture Show itself. Well, there are a few lines that just SCREAM OUT to be made about video games. 'Dr X will build a creature', 'Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet', it's so incredibly easy to change the odd word and then observe the consequences.

Now, usually I'd do what I did last time, and just write the lyrics in underneath the original video. And, I will still post the original video here, so that you can listen to it and get a feel of the first song.

I beg of you, listen to this before you see my version, since half of the work of my version is purely that I was able to keep a lot of it relevant to the first one.

The original song... much better than mine

The franchises I was able to fit into this one big reference include... Zelda, Mario, Pokemon, Halo, Donkey Kong, Metroid, Lara Croft, Duke Nukem, Resident Evil, Megaman, Littlebigplanet, Prince of Persia, Final Fantasy, Guitar Hero, and Sonic the Hedgehog. If you're going to complain that I left a franchise out, bear in mind how hard it is to fit all this stuff in.

And now, the news you may or may not have been waiting for... after an hour surfing the net, getting an Amazon account, and spending 99 cents, I was able to download the karaoke version of the track, minus the lead vocals. In other words... I'm actually able to sing my version, fuse it with the version with no vocals, and... make it an actual song.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you, an adolescent nerd singing about video games. Enjoy, and don't forget to sing along!

Rocky Horror Gaming Show

Elmo Mack's Podcast

*Ahem*

"Great Deku Tree was ill, the day Hyrule stood still,
But he told Link, where to stand!
Lara Croft was there, in heat-proof underwear.
Duke Nukem the invisible man!
Then something went wrong, Diddy and Donkey Kong,
Both got caught up in King K Rool's jam!
Then at a deadly pace, a hedgehog entered the race,
and this is just how fast he ran..."

"Gaming fiction! (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) Double Feature!
Dr Wiley (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) will build a creature.
See zombies fighting (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) but Chris won't panic.
And Sackboy stars in (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) Littlebigplanet!
Whoa-oh-ow-oohhh-oh-oh-oh...
At the late night, double feature, gaming show!"

"I knew Leon and Claire were, adjusting their hair,
when the T-Virus took, to the hills!
And I REALLY got hot, when that Samus robot,
fought a Metroid that sucks poison and kills!
Prince of Persia said sand... helped him understand!
But casting it used lots of skills!
But when I was Cloud Strife, I said to my future wife,
I'm gonna give you, some terrible thrills!"

Like, a-

"Gaming fiction! (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) Double Feature!
Dr Light (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) will build a creature.
See zombies fighting (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) but Jill won't panic!
And Sackboy stars in (Ooh, ooh, ooh...) Littlebigplanet.
Whoa-oh-ow-oohhh-oh-oh-oh...

At the late night, double feature, gaming show!
Guitar Hero... Ha-looooooooo...

To the late night, double feature, gaming show.
Sudowoodo... Mari-ooooooooo...

To the late night, double feature, gaming show.
Miyamoto... Ninten-doooooooooo...

To the late night, double feature... ga-ming shoooooow!

...

FIN

Sorry that my vocal chords are as flexible as Stephen Hawking's. I tried to sing a tone higher, but just sounded really squeaky when I listened back to it...

Well... that's about it. Hope you enjoyed it, and who knows, maybe some other g1s can try to fit as many game references into an original tune can do a better job than me. Let's see how many mini-brentalfloss' there are running around! Try to fit in Pong, Pacman, Portal, and any other big franchises out there that I had to miss.

Thanks for listening!

-Elmo 3000

Elmo and the Moderators (Peace Mission!)

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 13:07:59 -0400

Guys, this is getting way out of hand. I offer up this blog as the official debating ground of the issue, since I don't want it erupting into other blogs.

Yesterday, I wrote my little idea of a post-apocalyptic world in which the Screwattack community was gone. I should point out that I didn't actually think it would come true, nor did I think that if it would come true, it would happen the very next day, but something seems to have gone wrong.

Moderators are getting stressed, and for good reason. Without taking sides, look at this logically for a second. New bloggers are signing up every day, and some of them are pretty good. If everyone on the site has the capacity to write intelligent and entertaining blogs, how do we pick which ones get top posted?

Along with that comes a multitude of other problems. If someone writes lots and lots of good blogs, but none of them are exceptional, do they get any top posts? If somebody writes exceptional blogs every day, should they ALL get top posted? How do the moderators really judge what is worthy of a top post and what isn't?

Most importantly, whatever happened to the old days where moderators were just normal bloggers like you and me, except they had power to do a couple of things for us? When did we start putting pressure on them and stopping them from just having a good time on the site, like us?

Probably my fondest memory of Debaser

Well, I'm going to try and be the mediator between this blog-forsaken argument, so let's start at the beginning. What the hell caused this in the first place?

Part of the problem is something we actually wanted; People sending recommendations of top posts. I can quote moderators on this. When Keavy addressed ten problems with the blogging system, I can quote directly from the blog.

If you write blog entries on a regular basis and have yet to see one promoted then one of two things is happening:

1. Your blog entries are not good enough for Top Posts.

2. Your blog entries disappear into oblivion before a mod can get to it.

Fixing both issues is pretty simple. For the first, look for issues with your writing and rectify them. Enroll in a creative writing class at your local community college or stop playing so many video games and do your English homework.

For the second issue, send a blog entry you feel was ignored to a moderator, like myself or digitaldebaser via PM. Please include a link in the PM, since it makes things really easy for us. We like it when things are easy!

To be honest, I don't think the moderators or me expected so many people to actually follow the rules. If we could all get back to the way things were, I'd gladly return to the days where I'd get called an ******* for having written two blogs in a row that were in the top post section at the same time.

Unfortunately, this has seen a rise in people sending requests for blogs that need to be top posted. Hell, I've done it, albeit mostly with other people's blogs. Still, I think we need to acknowledge a few things. First, even though you feel a little like a suck-up when you send in something for a request to be top-posted, don't, becuase you're not alone. There's been a rise in how many people do it, and it's not good.

Now, I think that rather than jumping right into criticising those of you who overload the mods with work, I might as well even the odds, so the first thing I'm going to do is try to talk directly to the moderators. Even though I tend to side with you, you're not 100% in the right about this either. I'm not saying I'm 100% in the right, since I've sent about 3 messages in the last week about blogs I saw too, but... there are problems on both sides, okies?

Now, to show my point about the moderators, Keavy gave me full permission to use this lovely comment of his, which I shall be injecting with little comments of my own.

I wish it hadn't come to this point, but us mods knew this day was coming. We've all been ignoring the blogs, deleting Top Post requests without reading them, and even jumping straight from the front page to the forums just to avoid the ****storm we face from the front page regulars (Who know who they are, so I won't name names) if we don't Top Post what they want us to Top Post.

It's a tad dramatic to cancel top-posts altogether because of the '****storm' on the front page. If anything, this is kinda what's turning this from a blogging problem to a full-scale site issue. Asking people to slow down their requests is a good idea, even if it sounds strange.

This particular mod simply had enough, told us all he was going to ignore the front page, and the few of us who still give a **** about the blogs sided with him.

I would class Keavy as a blogging friend on the site, but this does, in essence, remind me of another issue that happened recently. A certain blogger had been disheartened by the reaction to some of his blogs on the site, and while I don't approve of making an entire blog about it, I also know this blogger is a young person on the site, and still fairly new to blogging.

I wouldn't really care too much, if moderators hadn't said something on a certain forum poll.

Ouch! That was uncalled for... even though you weren't referring to me.

Obviously there are some large differences here between a blogger announcing resignation in a blog on the site, and a moderator quietly announcing it to other moderators, but neither of them were amazing ideas.

In all seriousness, Top Post was meant as a way for the best and brightest to shine. It was never meant for everyone nor was anyone supposed to be guaranteed Top Post status.

I am outraged by this- No, wait, I agree with this.

Unfortunately, **** got out of hand. We've done our best to ensure that the best bloggers got what was due to them, we tried our best to read every blog entry, and we did rely on the community to aid us in our efforts. Now, we realize we've created a community that cares more about e-fame and monopoly money than blogging for the love of blogging and reaping the rewards of their efforts.

People used to justify their Top Post by telling us about how passionately they felt about the subject at hand. Now, they tell us about the time they spent on the blog, how they get high marks in school, and how its unfair that certain people get Top Post status when they don't.

I'm definitely leaning towards the moderators on this one, even though I recall a top post by 'The Downesyndrom Kid' that was not very top-post worthy. I don't know whether a moderator was drunk or angry when that happened, but it's obviously caused a stir if a blog like this can get top posted, and blogs that are longer, more entertaining, better-researched, and... better, do not.

Still, that was a one-off. Maybe a moderator's cat fell on his keyboard, I don't know. Anyway, I do agree that to an extent, moderators should just have the right to say, "Sorry, I'm not top posting that."

Then there's the accusations that us mods abuse our power to Top Post our own work, how we play favorites, and how we deny Top Post status to specific users. I cannot speak for the mod team as a whole, but I have never done any of these things. Yes, there are bloggers I am fond of, but they have earned every one of their Top Posts and I have denied works they have written because I felt the work in question had no place on Top Post.

Alright, the idea of moderators denying 'specific users' is just ridiculous. If you ever suggested such a thing, punch yourself in the face now. When it comes to mods abusing their power, I'll cut the crap; We've all thought of it some time. It's not something to be proud of in the slightest, but we've all done it. Even when I'm number 2 on the leaderboard, I can look at Keavy overthinking the overthinker and think silently, "I did a rant about that..."

It's not something I bring up a lot because I recognise what it is; Pathetic petty jealousy. Somebody did something that got top posted, and I didn't. I can either whinge and moan about it, or I can take that moaning effort and put it into my next blog! Moderators write good blogs that are worthy of top posts because they know what MAKES a top post. That's why they were given the power to make things top post! So why should they not use this information to entertain people?

Us mods realized we've done everything but quit modding the front page in our efforts to get through to you guys that our job is not easy and we do not appreciate your attitudes towards us. Now, we've reached the point where we frankly don't care anymore. I'll keep posting my blogs, I'll delete spambots as I see them, but if you want something Top Posted, go ask someone else because I'm not doing it anymore and I know of at least two other mods that have said the same, which means you guys realistically have no one left to Top Post your blogs because the staff is too busy to do it and the other mods either don't have the time or don't care about the blogs enough to read them.

Admittedly, I've known there were problems in the blogging system like this for some time, but I wouldn't say everything was done to avoid it. Making one big blog and top posting it, showing the problems we're undergoing and asking people to take steps to avoid the problem... that would be a good idea. That's why I'm trying to write this to be honest. It's not JUST because my big sister booted me off the TV before I could finish watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

One of the main problems with writing this blog is that I am not a moderator, and therefore I do not know the extent of the problems. In my eyes, the only top-post debate I've seen going on for a while was Whitly's last SOMAR on Ocarina of Time between him and Debaser, even though I'd never say that was anything above a 'heated discussion'. For all I know, moderators are getting messages saying, "TOP POST THIS OR I'LL FOOKING STAB YA!"

Now, I turn to the community. Part of the problem is, as I said, there has been a massive rise in good blogs. Not exceptionally amazing, but good. Entertaining, amusing, and interesting to read. The problem is that we have to now find the point in between good and great, which is a task too hard for me, so I'll gladly do whatever most other people on the site would do; Leave it to the moderators!

I can see why people would be passionate about their blogs, especially one that they'd worked hard on. Heck, if my 50th rant hadn't got top posted, I'd honestly probably have messaged a moderator about it saying, "Come on guys, it's my 50th!" The difference is, I'm admitting to being an absolute ass about this, whereas some people do this for every blog they make. No offense if you do this, I'm sure you have every right to be proud of your blogs, but it must be very tiring for a moderator to sign in and see 10 messages about 10 long blogs, all of which the moderator has to read to judge if they're top-post worthy.

I'm not saying you should never request a top post from a moderator, but here are some helpful guidelines. When taking my GCSE in English, I had to study poetry by different authors, and all of them shared the characteristics of complaining about issues for which they offered no advice nor solution, so here I go, trying to help you guys!

1) Does your blog really need more attention?

If you put your heart and soul into a blog, and it gets one comment, that's justifiable to message a mod about. However, taking my Game Overthinker blog as an example, I got 36 comments. Do I really need it to be top-posted? Absolutely not! Sure, you get points, but trust me, once you get enough of them (Usually enough to get you on the leaderboard) they lose their thrill.

2) Do the points really matter that much?

Short answer, no.
Points don't mean someone is a better blogger than you, points don't mean you'll be recognised and loved, points just mean that if you have a few of them, your work is probably... pretty good. However, it's not written in stone. If you have barely any points, but your work is well-received, you've had confirmation that you're a good writer. Do you really need more?

I could replace 'points' with 'top posts' here. If you're happy with your work, and it's getting nice comments, why do you still feel like you need a top post to be sure it was good?

3) Should I message EVERY moderator about this?

Asking for a top post is like entering the lottery. Pick one. If you message every moderator every blog, chances are they'll get tired of you, and eventually they'll just stop top-posting your work out of spite.

4) Should I message every blog I do?

If, like me, you have a lot of time to write blogs, chances are you can put them up fairly regularly. So, if one of your dozens doesn't achieve top post status, is it really worth kicking up a fuss about it? We all write blogs that we think should be top post worthy. If we didn't think they were, we probably wouldn't post them! So as a whole, we need to accept that the final decision is out of our hands!

So to summarise, moderators, you haven't been flawless about this, but you have been under far too much pressure lately, and as for the bloggers, just calm down a little. Read a book, play some games. See that in the bigger scheme of things, it really doesn't matter whether you get a couple of hundred points, especially if, like me, you won't ever be able to spend them anyway. You guys have driven the moderators to the verge of insanity. If you check a blog, and truly think it's a top post, send it to a moderator, but if it doesn't get top posted, or if they say it's not good enough, don't drag it out any longer than it has to be. You're entitled to constructive criticism, but not entitled to drag out the same old thing until it becomes a serious problem.

In the same way, moderators, when you're under pressure and having a bad day, try not to take it out on the next private message you read. If the blog isn't worthy of top post, remember to give at least ONE constructive criticism of the post, even if it's just 'needs more pictures' or 'could use more detail'.

So anyway, let's hope this matter gets resolved as soon as possible. Moderators, take a few days off and relax, and bloggers, remember that this site is more about the community and the games rather than the points.

-Elmo 3000