The Unsung Heroes of Nintendo: Scrooge McDuck

so I'm chillin back with a some pringles and a coke right now. and the only way this situation could get any better is if I had a money bin to swim in latter. which inevitably leads my thoughts to the most bad ass duck to ever pimp strut into a saturday morning cartoon.

Scrooge McDuck

yea you heard me right. motherfuckin Scrooge McDuck. this guy was a total badass. if you don't believe just look at the evidence.

exhibit A: launchpad

He trusted his life to worst pilot in the history of aviation, launchpad McQuack, wow their sure are alot of irish guys in duckberg, but that's beside the point. the guy only took a crash course in flying, which means that this guy isn't even a liscensed pilot! but does scrooge care? FUCK NO! he hires that guy cause he's got pluck, or maybe cause he's the cheapest whore of a pilot around. either way he takes his life in his own hands every time he gets near launchpad. and every time launchpad inevitably crashes, he gets up brushes off his pimp jacket, checks his tophat, and proceeds to go on with the rest of his day.

Exhibit B single man

the man is a dedicated bacholer. not once does he ever have a romance, despite some of the beautiful duck women who try to seduce him. he's like no thanks toots, I'd rather sit here and count my money. cause if he did get married she would obviously be doing it for the money, divorce his feathered ass in a week and take HALF of his fortune. Do you know how many accountants it would take to divide a MONEY BIN?! my head hurts just thinking about all those numbers.

Exhibit C the video game

Nintendo and capcom thought he was so badass, that they made a fuckin kickass game about him. not one but TWO fucking games. in the first one he goes to the most extreme climates on earth and beyond. he goes to the amazon with no food or water, or even a machete, which normally the alfred molina is supposed to carry. he goes to THE HIMALAYAS with out even a pair of pants and fights a yeti.

Last but not least he goes to THE FUCKING MOON! that's right the fucking moon. to collect green cheese. I don't know about you but I wouldn't go anywhere for green cheese. butr scrooge did, and he did it without a SPACE SUIT! yea he didn't even try putting a fish bowl on his head. he just went to the moon and said "pfft I don't need air! I'M SCROOGE MCDUCK MOTHERFUCKERS! RECOGNIZE!" and the air got so scared of leaving him that it just decided to float around his head so he could breath.

Excibit D The Money Bin

The guy built the only landmark in duckberg, just to hold all of his money. which he swam in. i don't know if you know this but gold coins are impossible to swim in. they're amazingly heavy, if you go down even a few feet under gold coins odds are your going to be crushed to death. but not scrooge, he is a strong motherfucker, and doesn't take guff from anything not even his own money.

He also DIVES into his money headfirst, from thirty feet up, off of a diving board. normally diving head first into anything solid from thirty feet up is good way to quarantee your own demise. but scrooge just goes in like a duck in water.

...And Finally Exhibit E: the adventures

Scrooge was the richest duck in the world, pretty much the bill gates of all duckworld. but he didn't sit on his laurels and eat grapes out of duck pussy, oh no. he went on adventures to get MORE money.

AND he took his niece and three nephews with him. I have no idea where their parents are, but they must be dead, cause no parent would let their kids fly half way across the world to go on an adventure with an eccentric pimp dressing uncle, to find the lost treasure of the Jolly Ducker, or the lost city of atlantis. it's just not done. maybe they were bad stoner parents and got taken away and given to scrooge for safekeeping. that's the only explanation I can come up with.

closing statement

All in all I think Scrooge McDuck is one of the mightiest unsung heroes of our childhoods and needs to start getting the respect he deserves. if you still have doubts go watch an episode of the show and remember what I said, I'm pretty sure you'll change your tune. prolly to the ducktales theme song, man that song rocks.