Gizmondo Review - type Srassy

Hey g1s!

A while back, I got a stunning piece of semi-new software. It's amazing power and brilliant games shall be forever etched in our memories. It's many features made me cry for joy! It is the Gizmondo.

Yeah, I'm just kidding. It was voted by GT Countdown as the worst console of all time and the worst selling handheld of all time by Gamepro with around 25000 units. But does it really deserve this reputation? We'll find out, I guess. (Note: I only have 6 games for it but I'm sure that'll suffice)

I chose the Gizmondo for my first review because A: I happen to have one and B: Because most other people don't have one so I can say stuff and most people won't know if I'm right or not.

Anyhow, on to the review.

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(I have the add-free version but I'm too lazy to get a picture)

The first thing I noticed when I opened the package was how well presented the console was. The Gizmondo was sitting in a foam mould of sorts with a screen protector on. The package contained the Gizmondo battery, some headphones, the power adapter, USB connector cable, a demo card, an instruction manual in a sleek grey cover and a CD for installing software on your computer. While this may sound pretty standard, it was presented in a way that looked incredibly professional. In truth, I had almost forgotten that I had bought a Gizmondo. They had given me a very good first impression.

I had finished setting up the console and had inserted the first game in for reviewing (Sticky Balls) and plugged the power adapter in. I turned on the console. It blinked low battery at me. WHAT? You mean to say that even if I'm charging up the console, I can't do anything with it?!? That's right. I couldn't do anything with the console even though it was charging more power than it used to play any of its games. A long time later the console was at 40% max battery and was ready to be used. I turn on the handheld. 20 seconds loading time to load the Operating System (Windows CE). The battery life is a ridiculous 90 mins while playing games.

The systems good points are that it feels comfortable in the hands (sorta rubbery) and the game buttons are well laid out. The shoulder buttons in my opinion are easier to use than the PSP buttons.

Games
One thing I noticed with the game cases were that they were the same size as a standard DVD case if not bigger. Are you sure they're not big enough?? The games are on SD cards and the instruction manual seriously doesn't need to be that big!

Most of the games humor can be obtained by reading the back of the box.

Examples include:
Sticky Balls - "Sticky Balls is the candy coloured puzzle game Gizmondo fans can't get enough of." What fans?
Gizmondo Motocross 2005 = "Whether you challenge a friend via Bluetooth . . ." Do I know another person who owns a Gizmondo?
Toy Golf - "1 to 4 Players" I don't think anyone on earth wants to use one either.

Sticky Balls review
After starting up the game, I was greeted by the horrific intro (Click here for intro).

I was pretty stunned but when I started up the game, I noticed that the graphics were pretty bright and colorful and the gameplay and the physics seemed to work okay too. The music was pretty decent too! Every now and then the game would reward you for doing something good by saying the now classic phrase "Sticky Balls". The game can be pretty much summed up by comparing it to snooker. Except that the game is about making the balls of the same color, uh, stick together.

The main thing that bothered me was that the game lacked a bit of the personality the intro had. It would be nice if the balls had faces at least. :(

Overall it's an okay game but not my sort of thing. Probably one of the better games on the handheld but definitely not a system seller.

Gizmondo Motocross 2005
I don't have much to say about this game. The graphics are horrible and bland. Tapping the D-Pad will make you swerve and the sound is absolutely horrendous!

(Not to mention the winding tracks and the reaction time needed doesn't help gameplay at all.)

The motorbike sounds like an angry swarm of high-pitched bees and the sound doesn't change at all. You're also supposed to be doing tricks as well but I was having enough problems just getting the steering right to bother. Do NOT get this game.

Fathammer Classics
Fathammer Classics? Can anything on the Gizmondo be labelled classic?

There are three games on this card. Angelfish, Stuntcar Extreme and Super Drop Mania

Angelfish
2D shooter? Gotta check this one out! The graphics are okay and it was pretty crazy fun to play for the short amount of time I was playing it. Bunch of powerups will increase the beams spread and power.

Plot is the generic save the world from aliens but I don't think plots ever mattered for this sort of thing. Not much else to say for this one. Worth a try. ;)

Stuntcar Extreme
Stay away from this game. The graphics are awful, blocky and sometimes your wheels will disappear. The gameplay is slow and just not exciting to hold any interest. Funnily, the instruction manual calls it fast paced. Liars.

Even I'm getting bored just writing about it!

Super Drop Mania
Look at this image. What does it remind you of?

Did you say Tetris? I thought so too but it's actually sorta different. Pretty much you've gotta drop blocks on to blocks of the same color to get points. When the blocks reach the top you die. It may sound exactly the same still because it pretty much is but it's a lot harder.

It's a bright colorful game but lacks the addictiveness the original Tetris had. And the awesome tune.

Trailblazer

This is actually a pretty nifty game! You control a wheel through some crazy-ass virtual track thing to the end line before a certain time. You've got to jump over pits and go on speed tiles while avoiding the pink ones which slow you down. The action is fast paced and the music is mind-numbing and adds to the atmosphere. Interestingly enough, you can use your own music as the soundtrack if it is loaded on your Gizmondo which is a pretty sweet feature.

The graphics are pretty good and fits perfectly with the music. The controls work well and if you die, you respawn nearby and the time limit is reasonable enough so you don't get frustrated.

This a pretty fun game you might want to try out if you ever get the chance.

Hockey 2005
A very simple Hockey game that is fun for people just wanting a quick game but not for fans of actual hockey games like NHL.

The graphics are okay but a bit on the small side so most of the time I don't know what I'm doing. A basic tackle, pass and shoot control system but nothing too special. The game controls well but there isn't much motivation to keep playing. The players trash-talking can be a pain after a bit.

The cool bits about the game would be how the ice gets smeared with blood later on in the game and you get to control the ice-cleaner pre-game. A small touch but pretty nifty! :D

Toy Golf
This game is mini-golf. Really, really mini golf. But that's pretty cool! The graphics are beautiful and the toys and objects that are used as obstacles are well done.

The gameplay is fairly hard though because I suck at golf and because it's too easy to put a lot more power into the golf ball than you wanted causing it to sail off the table and out of bounds.

Because you're not likely to be good at this game straight away it may last a bit longer than some of the other games.

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Other problems I noticed with the Gizmondo while playing was that to swap SD cards, I would have to pull the power adapter out, power off the console, pull the card out, put the new one in, plug in the power adapter and turn back on. Far, far too much time spent changing games. Also the power adapter shouldn't be turning the console on at all! That's wasting even more battery life that the Gizmondo has almost none of.

The buttons on the top of the handheld are too small to press properly and, lastly, the sound was too hard to change. Sticky Balls, for some reason, is a really loud game and while the intro was playing I was getting deafened. I had to wait for the intro to stop playing before I could change the master volume. You could imagine the look on my parent's faces hearing a song about Sticky Balls playing through the house.

But by far my biggest gripe is with the games. Forgive my usage of the word but all the games are casual games. There is NO game and I mean NOTHING there in my collection that I can play for more than 10 minutes at a time. If Tiger Telematics really wanted to sell this thing they should have tried to get more games we could get into.

This blog has just proved that Gizmondo deserves its title as the worst gaming console of all time.

Later g1s. I'm gonna play some GBA stuff now. Finally a real console.

(Please comment guys. :D Took me 2 hours to make this blog. That's how much I care.)