The Wonders of Wally World

No, the Wally World mentioned is not the same theme park from "National Lampoon's Vacation." This Wally World is none other than the consumer of small businesses, the favorite hirer of the obese and the elderly, Wal-Mart! Where else could one go, with naught but the intention of buying ant murder traps, and wind up with a glowing green prize?

That's right folks. While traversing the Plains of Great Deals and weaving between the Valley of Savings, whilst avoiding the Mire of Self-Loathing, I happened upon none other than Ghostbusters one and two for the unreal price of $9.00 American. Who was I to deny myself the antics of Bill Murray, Dan Akroid, et al? Nobody, that's who.

When I finally found myself out of the everything-including-the-kitchen-sink area and into the food area, one of the first things - or collection of things, I should say - I passed was this:

A shitload of ranch dressing sitting idly (most likely mimicking the people who will inevitably purchase and consume these) next to an equally large bottle of barbecue sauce. If there had been a rubber nipple attached to either one of these, I would not have been any more surprised than I already was. This sight was not something I wanted to imagine.

I did anyway.

Sure, these were probably designed with parties in mind, offering consumers enough of their liquid fatteners to satisfy a mass of guests and party hoppers, but remember: this is Wal-Mart. I know I'm no twig, but my presence definitely brought the average body mass index down a couple points. Just when I thought the idea of people doing keg stands with ranch dressing couldn't get any worse, this caught my eye:

A plethora of plastic carafes filled with mayonnaise. Good God, that's a more disgusting imagination-based kegger. Remember that thing I said about liquid fatteners a few sentences ago? Yeah, move that down here. There are some people who love mayo and will defend its rights as a condiment to the death, but come on people. Does anyone need that much mayonnaise at any given time? I would certainly hope not.

After picking up a few groceries for myself, I finally found the medieval inspired ant dispatchers. The first thing that I noticed was the pesticides' placement.
The spray cans of bug-suffocating toxins were placed next to and across from human-suffocating toxins. Oops, I meant air fresheners. This really does not bode well for the seeing-impaired. Why do I bring this up? Because I saw a lady with a seeing-eye-dog there. Boy would that be a silly mix-up! The bugs would be living easy in sweet vanilla or April rains or just-washed clothing! Or the human residents will think that the air-freshener markets have gone to hell. Either way, hilarity will surely ensue!

Yeah, probably not. Besides, how would blind people know they have a bug problem? Unless they constantly step on bugs or find them in ... you know what? I'm not going there. Use your imagination.

Wal-Mart, as my good friend Chris once put it, is "a beacon of shit." Their main attraction is their diversity and low prices, as we all know, but God damn people. Surely there is a limit to the amount of mayonnaise one person would ever want in their home. Maybe if people had fewer jugs of ranch dressing sitting around they wouldn't have so many ant problems.