Hello g1s, I’m the Wandering_Swordsman, and this is… You know what? Screw the intro. This is the top 14 neutral characters in gaming, so they’re neither protagonists nor antagonists. They’re just people whom the game could’ve done without, but ended up adding to the game. There. Happy? By the way, since I spotlighted Error on a previous and rather recent blog, he won’t be on this list, and I’m going to put in a one-character-per-game rule (with slight exceptions). Let’s go.

#14- Eevee (Pokémon franchise)
Eevee is hands down the best neutral Pokémon ever. It is a normal-type, and on top of that, it can evolve into 5 other types (water, fire, electric, dark, and psychic). Yet if you just want a simple normal-type, Eevee certainly does the job. If you ask me, Eevee doesn’t receive nearly as much praise as it deserves. If I were to ever stumble upon one whenever playing any one of the games, I would certainly use it. Eevee is definitely underrated, and is definitely an exceptional neutral character.

Also, just look at the name. Eevee has got to be the most neutral name ever. Two e’s on one side, a v in the middle, and then two more e’s on the other side. That’s more neutral than pure dihydrogen monoxide with a perfect shade of gray inside of a circle with an eccentricity of one. That’s pretty neutral if you ask me.

#13- The Epopts (Final Fantasy IV)
In Final Fantasy IV, the Epopts are a group of councilwomen who pretty much make all the decisions when it comes to the land of Troia. Their dilemma when you first meet them is that the Earth Crystal is gone (something that you were looking for). When you retrieve the crystal, something happens, and the Epopts let you take the crystal. The funny thing is that according to them, the land will die without the crystal. Wait, what?! They let you take the crystal just like that, even if it’s crucial to their survival. It’s like you’re about to write an astrophysics test but end up giving your calculator to some guy from Winnipeg so he can buy a stapler. There’s generosity, and then there’s being stupid.

Oh, but their generosity doesn’t end there. Nope, because you are in such a dire situation (despite them not knowing what the hell is going on with you), they grant you access to all of their treasures. While this may be really good for you, it makes no sense. Even Link would be aghast. Imagine if you saw a Xi-Cascade, but unfortunately, that baryon just decayed and is now part-Lambda (one of the more dickish baryons) and part-Pion (the worst particle ever, it even makes the other mesons look decent). You pity the particle, so you go out to him and say, “Oh man, I feel so sorry for you. Here, have my testicles. You need them more than I do.” If you happen to be a Xi-Cascade and you are reading this, I like you a lot, but not that much.

Going back to the whole Earth Crystal thing, I just can’t imagine a group of women just simply giving up a massive crystal like that. I just simply cannot do it. While it is the Earth Crystal, meaning that it probably doesn’t have too much carbon in it, but it still certainly has some. Carbon is one of the greatest elements ever, and is the very reason why there’s the saying, “Diamonds are a woman’s best friend.” Sorry guys, but just this once, you’re going to have to swallow up your man-pride and admit that carbon is better than you. Women just love their carbon. Heck, it even has an entire major branch of chemistry dedicated to it (organic chemistry), much like women have an entire subject dedicated to them (or at least in the university I plan on going to). Carbon is made of so much win that it really baffles me as to how the Epopts were able to so easily give up the crystal.

However, you still have to give them credit. It’s beyond rare to see a group of politicians be anywhere near this generous. It takes a lot of character to be willing to give up such a valuable possessions to someone in need. The world needs more self-less people, let alone self-less politicians. The Epopts are the perfect leaders, for they provide a grand example for their people, and for the rest of the world.

#12: Square Block (Tetris)
 

I apologize for this obvious and clichéd choice, but what can I say? The square block is the most neutral block in Tetris. It’s not a protagonist that you pray for its arrival like the line, and it’s not the antagonist that you dread like the z-shaped blocks. Nope, just a block that you don’t mind having and don’t mind not having, therefore being the very definition of a neutral character.

However, don’t you go underrating the square-shaped block. After all, it’s in the shape of a box, and as we all know, boxes make the world go round the Sun with an orbit that contains a decent eccentricity. Boxes are a classic way of storing all sorts of junk, like kidneys, frog eyeballs, narwhal tusks, and even armadillos! While it is true that fibre optics are taking over with their incredibly efficient way of transporting large amounts of information through taking advantage of the concept of the critical angle of light rays, we still must pay our respect to boxes. They risk their lives day in and day out fighting for our freedom by transporting waffles without waffling them. They are unselfish, humble, and forgiving. They can even be used for abysmal cosplay. Boxes, we shall never forget thee for the unfathomable contributions you guys have made to our society. We salute you.

#11: Flash (Mars Djinn) (Golden Sun)
Flash is by far the most useful Djinn in either Golden Sun game. Whenever you use it, the Djinn creates a protective barrier for everyone in your party right at the beginning of a sequence, and lasts for that turn. The barrier strongly protects you from all attacks (it doesn’t 100% protect you, but it is a total life saver when fighting some of the more brutal bosses late in the game). There’s also Granite, but it’s nowhere near as strong as Flash. In The Lost Age, there’s also Shade, and while it’s most certainly good, it’s just not quite up to par with Flash.

Unless if you’ve played Golden Sun, you have absolutely no conception of just how great this Djinn is. There’s an extra boss in the game called Deadbeard, and oh God, he is a mother of a boss. Unless if you’re party is grossly over-powered, you are going to need some serious strategy in order to beat him, and very likely Flash is going to have to be a part of that strategy. Deadbeard does more damage than seeing Mario naked, and he attacks multiple times per turn, with some attacks doing damage to your whole party. The strategy I used in beating him was having Isaac and Garret use Granite and Flash back and forth, while Mia and Ivan attack (with Mia healing every few turns). Such conservative strategies are needed to take down such bosses.

The funny thing is that Flash is found on a path that leads to a tornado that takes you to Crossbone Island, which is where Deadbeard is. The path is a tricky one to spot, for it requires the use of the Reveal psynergy. If you’re wondering about the Djinn, they are definitely neutral characters. Almost all of them engage you in combat if you try to capture them. These magical critters can be annoying to catch, but can also be very rewarding. Normally, neutral characters are more useless than a sack of rotten cinnamon buns, but these guys are actually worth the effort of hunting down. Besides, if you collect all the Djinn in both games, you get the honour of fighting one of the hardest bosses in RPG history (seriously, I saw on Youtube a guy with a totally maxed-out level 99 party lose to him).

#10: The Ladies (Zelda II: The Adventure of Link)

I’m talking about those ladies that invite you into their homes to “heal” you. Yeah, they are awesome. First of all, you get all your health replenished, and you don’t even have to pay a rupee. It sure beats having to pay anywhere from 50 to 500 bucks just to stay at some run-down shack with no difference in quality, no matter what the price. However, what really makes these ladies great is exactly how they heal you. Come on, we all have dirty enough imaginations to realize this. They heal you by…

…making you brownies! Of course! Brownies are just the greatest things ever after waffles and pancakes. In fact, I just finished a bag of brownies. Their uncontested goodness that just melt away in your mouth, creating a tranquilizing sensation that takes you away from all of life’s trouble, a whole universe of love in your oral cavities… Almost nothing beats a well-made brownie. That is why the Zelda II ladies get a spot on this list. They blow the Epopts out of the 2-methyl-2-butanol in terms of their generosity. Man, Zelda II sure seems to have a plethora of great neutral characters!

#9- Cragnons (Super Paper Mario)
The Cragnons are probably the most craggin’ species ever, brah. There is just something so crag about them. I can’t put my finger on it, brah, but something about them just makes them incredibly cragging. Maybe it’s the fact that their guardian is the Big Rock Who Watches. I mean, who in the crag would worship that?! People who are totally craggin’ brah! On top of that, there is the Nerd Cragnon, who identifies the Cragnons’ “rivals” as Floro sapiens. Oh, and then there’s the director Flint Cragley.

Yeah, I’m not making any of the above stuff up. The Cragnons are a silly species, with rather humourous ways of thinking and talking. Actually, that whole chapter with them in Super Paper Mario is hilarious. Actually, the whole game is hilarious. Super Paper Mario has a LOT of text, but much of that text is hilarious (there is even an Error reference). Yet one of the most memorable parts was much of Chapter 5, which is where you’ll find these Cragnons. They manage to provide comic relief in a game that mostly is comic relief. That’s pretty impressive.

#8- The Goalies (Super Mario Strikers [Charged])
Goaltending is the most underappreciated position in football (yes, I am calling it football, smite me). Rarely are you considered a hero, but when you make a mistake, you get stoned to death. Believe me, when it comes to football, I much prefer the midfield (I have played every position). Yet it’s even harder to be a goalie in the Mario Striker games. The goalies never get any of the glory, yet they must face extreme momenta coming at them every game.

The Mario Strikers games mix football with lacrosse. What do I mean by that? They are the single most violent sports games I’ve ever played. How can people refer to Mario games as kiddy after this? Absolutely obliterating your opponents is completely legal in this game, plus the perimeter has an invisible electric fence. The goalies don’t actually have to deal with that, but damn, they’re pretty much like field lacrosse goalies, except they have to face more shots from shorter distances. Or you can consider them to be like box lacrosse goalies with pretty much no equipment. They are given American rugby helmets in Charged (yeah, I just said American rugby), but that doesn’t help too much, especially considering the fact that they have it exponentially worse in Charged with those mega-strikes. Just play the game and you’ll see what I mean. They’re often knocked back into the goal with those shots!

What bugs me is that all the goalies are the same; they’re all Kritters. Why the Kritters from the Donkey Kong games? I’ve got no idea. They may as well make a Super Mario Waffle game and have the strawberries be pillows. Pillows are not tasty. As for the Kritter goalies, they make it onto this list for the fact that they have one of the most difficult jobs in all of gaming, and yet they receive so little appreciation.
#7- Sandbag (Super Smash Bros Melee and Brawl)

Why does Nintendo hate Sandbags so much? What have they ever done to them? Those asshats at Nintendo just out of nowhere started using Sandbags for the Home-run Contest in the last two Super Smash Bros games, and they’re even used as items in Brawl whose sole purpose is to get beat by the characters to pump items out of them. That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all! This is a cold hard case of discrimination against Sandbags!

The Sandbags were a peaceful people, never bothering anyone, just minding their own business. Then one day, the Nintendo crew arrived and captured the Sandbags against their will. Enslaved, the Sandbags were shoved onto the platforms next to a baseball. Then some of the strongest Nintendo characters would come in and use the bat to try to hit the Sandbags as far as they could. It is inconceivable of how in this day and age, this kind of brutality is acceptable. The reason why Sandbag is on this list is to bring awareness to the general public of this atrocity. We need to put an end to Sandbag slavery. Sandbags have rights too, and besides, there’s always a chance that they’ll eventually mutate into Moogles and kill everyone. That would be the best case scenario. I can’t imagine the worst…

#6- Jerry the Bob-omb (Paper Mario TTYD)

You totally saw this one coming. Whenever you complete a chapter, you can find Luigi in Rogueport, and he’ll tell you of his own adventures to find the Golden Compasses and Princess Eclair. He’ll also be accompanied by a new partner in each chapter. After you complete the 3rd chapter, Luigi tells you of his perils in Plumpbell Village while being accompanied by Jerry the Bob-omb. This is the story that Luigi weaves:

”Once we made landfall on the Strudel Continent, we made for Plumpbelly Village. Once we got there, though, we immediately noticed that something was wrong. We learned from the mayor that the town was ruled by a giant snake named Hizza! He said that his own daughter was gonna be offered up as a sacrifice to this beast, too! So, of course, being heroic, I offered myself up to go in her stead! Brave, huh? Now, the custom was for sacrifices to be dressed as brides, so I got all dolled up... I was one hot sacrifice, Bro. I looked so good, I fooled our foes and got in Hizza's lair. It was kind of rough fighting in that gown, but I managed. Chiffon really chafes, Bro! I finally found Hizza... and the snake had a second head on its tail! Talk about scary! I fainted real quick, but when I came to, I managed to distract both heads... It reared up, fangs bared to attack, and at that moment, I deftly lunged left! His gaping mouths smashed into one another... and he vanished in a cloud of smoke! A shining plate fell down on the spot where Hizza's body had been coiled... Yes! Another compass piece! I set it, and it pointed east, to Circuit Break Island! Just as I was about to leave town, the mayor asked me to stay and marry his daughter. I thought about it--she was sorta cute--but we ended up sneaking off the next morning. I mean, I still have to save Princess Eclair from the Chestnut King! And...when the Marvelous Compass activated this time, I heard somebody's voice. It was so beautiful, Bro... I'm certain it was Princess Eclair's voice! My heart began to race! That's when I realized it: Princess Eclair... I think I... Oh! I kinda zoned out there. Umm... So, yeah. We set sail again after ditching town... And somehow we managed to get back here to Rougeport. And here I am!”

Now if you go talk to Jerry, this is what he says: ”Hi, I guess. I'm Jerry. I'm a Bob-omb from Plumpbelly Village. Nice meeting you. Sorry I sound so down, but you would be too if you saw Luigi dressed as a bride. I'm serious. It scarred me. It was honestly scarier than that giant snake-thing. I feel I now have a moral duty to stop Luigi from ever dressing as a bride again. I have to protect the world from my fate. That's why I'm sticking close to this guy.”

Wow, Jerry has got to be one of the noblest neutral characters ever. He knows the true meaning of morality and responsibility, not to mention heroism. In technical terms, he’s definitely a neutral character, but if you ask me, he’s more of a hero than Mario. Stopping the world from fire-breathing turtles and some other weird people is cool and all, but saving the world from the horror that is Luigi being dressed as a bride… Absolutely epic! My hats off to Jerry the Bob-omb, the greatest neutral hero of all time.
#5- Private Cabana Butler (Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker)

In this game, you can actually gain the rights to own your own island after helping a certain person out. On that island is a cabana, which has a butler… who is a painting… who talks. Yeah, a talking painting of a butler. Radical! I mean, that whole concept in itself is worthy enough to deserve a spot on this list. On top of that, while in the cabana, Link actually gets sophisticated text options for once! Just try to imagine a pre-teen wearing a silly green tunic while carrying a sword, a shield, and a bunch of other random assortments of items, talking in a way that’s more stereotypical of snotty rich people than anything else you’ve ever heard.

The question that one must ask is how in the hydrogen peroxide is a painting able to maintain a whole island? The area is cleanest place in the entire game, and if you break those pots inside of the cabana, when you return, they’ll be right there standing all neatly. Also, the butler manages a mini-game of sorts, and if you succeed, you get a purple rupee (50 rupees). How does a painting store all that money, let alone manage a mini-game? Though it is kind of creepy how a painting of a butler has control over an island. Oh well, he’s still the coolest butler ever. Not even that Deku scrub butler in Majora’s Mask is this awesome.

#4- The Wonder Chef (Tales series)
The idea of a talking painting of a butler is pretty ridiculous, but this… The Wonder Chef is a guy that hides as inanimate objects in different places throughout the world, and when you approach that object, he appears and teaches you a new recipe. Sorry butler, but this takes the waffle in terms of “What the fudge?” things. I mean seriously, what the fudge? Oh, and in Tales of Symphonia, there is a little sidequest where the Wonder Chef is going up against a “Dark Chef” and you must use Regal (a guy in your party, he’s the ultimate man, no joke) to go up against this Dark Chef in a cooking battle. At the end after winning, according to the Wonder Chef, you won because the Dark Chef doesn’t put enough love into his cooking. I apologize, but I must reiterate: What the fudge?!

In Tales of Vesperia, there’s a skit where the party questions the whole idea of the Wonder Chef. They brought up many legitimate points. First of all, how does he turn into objects? Second of all, what would happen if you were to break that object? Third of all, what if you don’t find the object and miss him entirely? That also raises more questions. Why does he want to teach you recipes? How is he able to suddenly go from city to city just like that, waiting for you? Does the guy have a life? When a butler who is a painting who can talk who can perfectly maintain an island makes more sense than anything, then you know there’s some messed up muffins going on.

The two-hundred and thirty-two złoty question is: Exactly what the fudge is the Wonder Chef? He’s got skills that would make even make people from Mizuho jealous. The fact that he can turn into inanimate objects instantly is pretty flabbergasting. The Wonder Chef is definitely a fitting name. Trying to figure out the logic of this guy is harder than any cosmological theory. Remember: The key to being a good cook is to put love into your cooking. Without love, there can be no succulent waffles or pancakes. Or muffins. Those need love too.

#3: Kishuna (Fire Emblem 7)
Kishuna is the Frankenstein of video games. He was one of Nergal’s first “Morphs”, but he ended up being a total failure. Nergal (the game’s main antagonist) threw him away like rubbish, disgusted by this appalling creation. Morphs are basically zombies in a sense that Nergal creates and has complete control over. However, since Kishuna was cast aside, he spends the rest of his life… if you can call it life, wandering throughout the world with no purpose or value. He is a magic seal, so if you go anywhere near him, all magic will be nullified. There are a total of three chapters (all extras) in Hector’s quest in which you can find Kishuna.

The thing about Kishuna is that he is the first Morph to have any emotions. While he doesn’t say a single word, it’s quite clear that he has been severely tormented. The scarring on his face and his general demeanor tell the whole story. He is listed as an antagonist, but he’s not really on anyone’s side. Kishuna was trapped in the chasm between the living and the dead, knowing only pain, suffering, and despair. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually wanted you to kill him.

One of the Fire Emblem’s strong points (and trust me, it has a lot of them) is the characters. While playing this game, you will come across a plethora of characters. The beauty is that every single one of them has their own distinct personality and back-story. Kishuna is on this list because he’s a prime example of this. He doesn’t utter a word, he isn’t an integral part of the story, but he still is his own universe within game. It’s the little things like these that make gaming an art form, something more than what it may appear to be.

#2- Anju & Kafei (Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)
Best. Sidequest. EVER! The whole Anju & Kafei shtick in Majora’s Mask is one of the most emotional things I have ever witnessed in video games. Anju & Kafei are a pair that are engaged and have their wedding coming up. A part of the wedding ceremony is that the two must present special masks to each other. However, a short while before their wedding, Kafei’s mask gets stolen by Sakon the thief, and on top of that, he gets cursed by the Skull Kid, leaving him looking like a little boy. At that point, Kafei disappears. What follows is a long rollercoaster of every emotion there is.

One part that stood out for me (other than the end of the sidequest) is the conversation Anju has with her mother on the night of the 2nd day. You can see this conversation if you manage to get the Room Key in the inn and approach the crack in the wall of your room at the right time. Anju’s mother tells her that Kafei may have likely run off with Cremia (a good friend of Anju’s that runs the ranch), and that Cremia needs him more than she does. Anju’s mother also tells her that she best evacuate the next day, since surviving the Moon is the important thing. Anju mostly sighs in agreement, but if you actually do the sidequest correctly, you’ll see that she stays at the inn. She tells you that she made up her mind and will wait for Kafei because she trusts him. Despite everything and him making a sudden disappearance, she still trusts him. Wow.

As for Kafei, he is engulfed by the vehement flames of fury. He manages to chase Sakon all the way to Ikana Canyon (somehow), and is willing to wait an eternity to gain access to Sakon’s hideout. It’s when you’re inside of Sakon’s hideout that you see just how much of a ******* bastard he is. The Gerudo thieves in Ocarina of Time have at least some kind of honour (though the pirates in this game are pretty nefarious). This guy has none. He puts Kafei’s mask on a conveyor belt and sets up a trap that sends the mask towards a bottomless pit, all just so he can get a chance to escape. In fact, the hideout is one major contraption itself, and even the Jigsaw would be envious. Though that whole part of the game is something else, as you control both Link and Kafei. Link deals with the enemies in the hideout, while Kafei deals with the puzzles. The whole ordeal is incredibly frantic and climactic. If you fail, then you’ll be left with a sour taste in your mouth. If you succeed… well, it’s not over yet.

When you get through Sakon’s hideout, it’ll be 12am, just 6 hours before the Moon annihilates Termina. Kafei grabs the mask and runs as fast as he can back towards Clock Town. If you warp back to the town and wait beside Anju at the inn, the experience that will be unfolded onto you is something else. The music, the sound effects, everything… This part is as close as I’ve ever gotten to crying. Anju displays an insurmountable faith, willing to wait for her love till the very end. It is beyond relieving when you see Kafei open the door and run towards Anju. They share their love, you get a mask, and they stay there, willing to wait for their imminent ends. Death has no meaning, for through their love, they have discovered immortality.

How is it that a pair of neutral characters can create so much emotion? These two show the true value of love, life, death, trust, anger, fear, determination, dedication, and so on. The Legend of Zelda series has plenty of great characters, but these two are the best ones by far. Midna doesn’t even hold a virtual particle to these two, and she’s a main character in Twilight Princess. I am utterly stunned and enthralled by the Anju & Kafei sidequest, for it accomplishes in being the paradigm of emotion in any medium.

#1- Tobi (Okami)


He’s a freakin’ card, he’s only in the game for 10-15 minutes, and yet he has more personality and character development than anyone else in the entire video game universe! He works as a gatekeeper on Oni Island, which is basically Hell on Earth. At first, he appears to be an antagonist, but then within an incredibly short time, he undergoes some major character development and really turns out to be a neutral character.

The thing about Tobi is that he has a lust for competition. While he should just be automatically preventing Amaterasu from progressing through the dungeon, he gives her a chance to pass through a series of races. What you have to do is try to reach nearest gate before Tobi does. The first gate is pretty simple, but it gets tricky afterwards. You have to jump on platforms, evade obstacles, and even take on some enemies and defeat them as quickly as possible.

Now let’s discuss the character. One thing that will strike you instantly is his courtesy. He is the most well-mannered character ever. However, he does come off as cocky at the start. “I am merely just warming up.” Yeah, that’s a statement we’ve all heard. Yet at the end, he becomes more humble and gains respect for “Full-Throttle Ammy.” That’s some character development right there. Unfortunately, as you pass through the last gate, Tobi loses his life because he was unable to fulfill his duty as a gatekeeper. That surprisingly was exceptionally solemn and sorrowful. Within a short time, you somehow garner respect for Tobi.

There are multitudes of characters in Okami that could take this spot on the list. What many achieve is some kind of enlightment, or display an important value of life. Tobi has a job. He must keep intruders out. However, he loves competition. He lives for the thrill of racing. Should he set out to accomplish his responsibilities, or should he set out to accomplish the goals of his life? Follow orders or follow his heart? He chose the latter, and he lost his life for it. Yet, what does it mean to live? Maybe he never really was living while merely accomplishing the goals that another has set for him. By doing what he wanted to do, he finally got to breathe the air of true life, thus making his death a worthy one.

All of those events are what really makes him respectable. While he is a bit cocky at first, he clearly has a strong sense of morality. He eventually accepts that you are the faster one. He also accepts that he had failed his task. Instead of pulling off some cheap dirty trick, he lets you go on and dies as a result. He was fair, and he kept his promise of not impeding on your progress if you beat him. If you can keep a promise, even if it means losing your life, then that is remarkable. That is what leads to Tobi being the most respectable neutral character ever, and that is why he is #1 on this list.

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Well, there you have it you spoony bards. The greatest neutral characters ever. If you actually read through all of this, well, thank you. Thank you very much. You deserve a brownie. What are some of your favourite neutral characters? I may potentially like to hear from you. Unless if you happen to be a meson. Then just shut the hell up and leave. As for the rest of you baryons, pentaquarks, or whatever the muffin you are, again, thanks for reading, thanks for being great g1s, and thanks for putting that cookie down. I really appreciate it.