Under the skin's blog

Looks nice, don't it?

Hello, guys, it's me, UTS, coming back with another of my reviews that you all love to hate.
So today I'm telling you why you should or should not buy a WiiWare title called Onslaught, for, well, the Wii.

Can you guys tell me what happens to every big name celebrity after a few successful works and a few time in limbo? Yeah, they get bad at what they do. Crash Bandicoot was one of such celebrities for me. But do you want to tell me what those celebrities also leave behind?

Call of Duty 4, Modern Warfare was a huge success, wasn't it? All you kids playing online, pwning each other in a festival of verbal obscenities and hails of drop-shot. And then came CoD5, world at war.

For those of you who don't know, I hail from the far off land of Portugal. You know, next to Spain. Not France, mind you.
Well, I've always wondered just what was wrong with this country when it hit me, after months of hearing an ad on the radio.

I believe I've played this game up to reviewable lengths, and avoid myself of slipping away any important spoilers about the story so bear with moi.

OK, so how many of you fellers have played Persona 3?
Some of you, I hope. What about The World Ends With You?

IT PRINTS MONEY!!!

But not only does it print money, it's also a dang fine little system. I'm not going to enter stupid debated on DS vs PSP or whatever, I'm just here to inform you on my tiny little list of the DS's top 5 fails and wins.

For all that don't know, the original Resident Evil on the original Playstation was a 'groundbreaking' title in the area of the survival horror genre of gaming.
You'd control Chris 'The Tank' Redfield or Jill 'Golf cart' Valentine through a ginormous mansion with serious crow infestation problems and a real issue with keeping things tidy. Of course, they're not carrying any kind of communications device and are afraid to step out of the mansion because of a couple of zombie dogs, preferring to slay hordes of dudes with horrible hygiene problems and Albert Wesker.

You know, I was looking around some old PSX games I have when I dredged out a priceless treasure under all my bootleg CDs.

Yup, you read it right. Hogs. Of. War.

No, not those old motorbikes your grampa used to drive when he was out there shooting in nam, these are actual pigs.

And you know what?

I FUCKING LOVE THIS GAME!!!

I know we're all banging this way too much but I can't stop myself from doing this.

But for now, I have to say THIS:

Who the hell translated what that black assed gangster wannabe said?

I can't understand anything he says!

He's like... mumbling. It doesn't make any sense. =/

And why did he just throw those games to the floor? What was he saying then? Was it like "Oh look, alone in the dark, let me break this thing I bought by accident"?

I really really didn't get anything he said. =/ Can anyone help?

Who would have though?

The first game ever, yes. Actually, the first VIDEO game ever. Pong. Two white rectangles and a white square. The birth of gaming, the birth of US, as gamers.

(lolwut, looks like I was mistaken. Apparently, the first video game was Space wars in the university computers. Pong was the first video game to be commercially successful and developed for the masses. Oh well, everyone can make mistakes.)

Back in the olden days, Atari ruled us all...

Maybe you guys have read my other blog where I talk about gaming in Portugal. If not, do it. Why? Because it's sweet. And it portraits a very grim future for gaming if all of it keeps up.

But this time I'm gonna spam you with the KINDS of gamers that shape this blood-built country you all know and love to hate...

In a totally conventional and boring way.

Because, we all know how you guys like categorized topics, and this is how a "normal" portuguese gamer sees the rest of the basement dwelling dwabs. (The "normal" gamer's gonna be the last.)

Has anyone noticed that pretty much the only company out there that doesn't really rely on realism to sell games is Nintendo? Sure, Facebreaker's a breath of fresh air, and so will be that... mushroom... game that coming out, but... seriously, guys.

It's mostly about the graphics, really.

Every game nowadays tries to look as real as possible, but do you see what they're sacrificing?

All games look brownish and gray and they're just boring to look at. The only time we get a break from that is when you're thrown inside a volcano, where you just see red.

If not for various reasons I'm sure Hal Labs took in consideration.
Sure, the fans want a Smash Bros to play on the go, or with friends without having to carry a big ol' Wiimote around every time they go to a gaming marathon.

But they never asked themselves this:

"Why is Hal Labs refusing to get a river of cash by not making a Smash Bros on the DS?"

Actually, they did, they just never thought of the reasons.

And these are the reasons I THINK a Smash Bros on the miracle handheld would NOT work.

Reason 1: Multiplayer games

So let's go back to 1987, birth year of the Contra series.
Konami was famous back in the day for their lines of successful action games for the arcades and the NES, while today it is famous for many other awesome games.

But the one that stood out from the good old 8-bit times was none other than the incomparable and previously mentioned Contra.

Contra is a series that had a very interesting history across the times, beginning it's humble roots on the arcades across the world, being ported to the homes with the magic of Nintendo and receiving an undeniable popularity in the States.

For sake of convenience, if you don't want to sit down and stare at black shapes that resemble letters for five minutes pretending you're enjoying yourself, leave now.

For those who want to sit down and stare at black shapes that resemble letters for five minutes pretending you're enjoying yourselves, please continue.

This is a list of games that I CURRENTLY own in my possession and in my house (more particularly, in my room).

For the GameBoy:

Super Mario Land (I think it was the first game I ever played)
Pokemon Yellow (First game I bought with my own cash)

Pfffffffffffffffff....

I skipped the last "Blog Day" because I didn't have much to say about it, and I was gonna skip this one too because I really don't know if "this" is crazy or not.

I mean, it probably isn't, because Craig already said people did what I did and he didn't sound too surprised (or even 'disgusted' at their insanity).

But before I get to my point, here's the 2 runner-ups for craziest thing (Yes, I'm a very 'not-crazy' guy).

In third place IS:

Giving away 20 Duel Masters cards to my friend's nephew to get my hands on "Blaze and Blade".

Come on, don't play dumb, you know what I mean.

I don't mean Wii Music or Virtual Cricket, I'm talking about what YOU guys wanted to see being interactive.

When I was a little kid, everyone in the block was like "man, "THIS" game would be awesome, can you imagine a game of "THIS"? You could rip off heads, drink their blood and burn them as an offering to Satan. And then do it again." Of course, they were talking about the Teletubbies.

AND IT WAS AWESOME!

But forget the teletubbies, I want to know what YOU G1s would like to see interactive. But there's a catch...

This is in no way a PSP review, a bash, a fanboy rant, nothing like that, honest. What it is, is a little story, a funny one I wanted to share with me fellow G1s.

So, this is the thing, ya? Read attentively.

When you next go out, look around you.
You'll (probably) see buildings, cars, a couple of trees or vegetation growing out of the sidewalk. But where are the children? You know, those monkey-looking things that cry and whine when they want something: "I want an ice cream", "Stop talking to gramma and let's go home", "I need my flu shot" or something.

Bioware is now taking Sega's role to spam our embedded mailboxes in our minds with more blue bomber, I mean badger games.

This time the little meth-addict prick rips off Mario's RPG line of games (namely the paper Mario series) and makes a little Arr Pee Gee of his own.

Add a little Elite Beat Agents, some Zelda and a tiny bit of Final Fantasy, and what do you get? A mangled broken pile of DS carts, that's what you get.

Anyway, this is just a "first impressions" of the game rather than a full critic because my battery died a little after I started playing the damn thing.